sanskrit Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 (edited) So he wanted to get laid, hasn't yet, and then -volunteers- that he is leaving in a month out of some kind of spite? Doesn't make any sense at all. If his objective were to use OP, he could still easily do that. Assuming he had no care for OP's feelings, why doesn't he just have sex with her for three weeks then fade? Isn't it more likely that he was just having fun with a few casual dates before leaving, then started to develop some feelings that compelled him to bring the issue to a head now as opposed to a) having his or OP's feelings grow more, or b) misleading OP? As far as persecuting him for using text as opposed to something else, I am usually anti-text for communicating things of this nature, but it's fairly obvious here that the guy just did it in the moment in order to get this off his chest. No idea why he is being judged so here. Women claim to want men who communicate, but then teach men that the less communication the better, as any honest attempt at sincere communication will be twisted against us, second-guessed, and even vilified. This thread bears that out in spades. Why should we attempt to communicate in that kind of environment? Edited October 15, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Mellisa Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Reverse psychology? I guess the same thing could be said of girls not wanting to jump into bed with a " casual" date but they do anyways even after being told by their date they don't want anything serious. All we do know is that he did tell her, and that in itself has illicited a response from the OP. I suppose a more reasonable explanation would be that the guy knows she likes him but he's suggesting " casual/ sex" without coming out and saying those words. If the OP does continue to see him, she's well aware that that's all he really wants. I hadnt really cared at all up till seeing that message.I suspect how he could ever tell that i like him cause i didnt know that and i had tried to keep it casual and cool the whole time.Just more info, we left the night as this: I asked for time in the middle of our making out-he on top of me in his bed(he lifted me up and carried me there while we were dancing and i let him...) Knowing it was 10 pm said i had to leave to catch the metro. So we got up and he walked me to the door, and was about to go out to walk me to the metro station and i told him that he didnt have to so he stayed. And then like 20 minute later, i got that message from him. To drop a even bigger bomb, i'm a virgin and he knows it. We never talked on the phone and only texted when he wanted to hang out together and it usually was kinda last minute...
Author Mellisa Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 How old are you guys? Me turning 25 and him 31
bac Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 But how does telling her he's leaving soon promote this hypothesis? If he was just after sex, why would he tell her he's leaving soon? That would be counterproductive to that strategy. Wouldn't he wait until AFTER they'd had sex and THEN tell her he was leaving if sex was his ultimate goal? Guys who are only after sex do not wait longer than they set for themselves as the right time to wait. Different guys have different time to wait. Some will drop a girl after the first/the second/the third date without a kiss/or sex. If a girl behaves very attached, they will drop her after the first sex. If a girl behave OK, they will try her for FWBs. If she does not want to be a FWBs/a bootie call, they will drop her after the third intercourse. If she states that she wants to be a FWBs, they will keep her on their list for fun untill she drops them.
dispatch3d Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 somebody is makin a big deal out of a potentially fun 3 week fling uh oh!
flying Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Isn't it more likely that he was just having fun with a few casual dates before leaving, then started to develop some feelings that compelled him to bring the issue to a head now as opposed to a) having his or OP's feelings grow more, or b) misleading OP? As far as persecuting him for using text as opposed to something else, I am usually anti-text for communicating things of this nature, but it's fairly obvious here that the guy just did it in the moment in order to get this off his chest. No idea why he is being judged so here. I agree with this; this was my first reaction on reading the OP as well. He likes you, OP, and it seems to me that that's what prompted him deciding to spill this info all of a sudden. I agree that it kind of doesn't makes sense that he would do it if all he wanted was to get laid. I don't think text was the right way to do it, but people can do stuff out of awkwardness, not necessarily nefariousness. This could just have been awkwardness on his part. At least he told you the truth. I didn't like his second message to you, however, from the perspective of holding out hope that this could go somewhere despite his leaving. I think he made it pretty clear he doesn't intend for that to happen. And it was rather clumsy of him to say it's hard leaving "places" - both because it's impersonal and because it suggests you're part of a pattern. I think I would take that as a gentle hint that this isn't going anywhere. You're only three dates in, so I would detach if I were you. I'm sorry.
2sure Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 He waits until the third date to tell you he is leaving the area in a month?? What a jackass. He thinks he was "reeling you in" and now goes in for the "our last chance" kill. Poser. Response: "Hey, thats cool. Good luck with that. Tell you what, since you have been so nice I'll let you take me to dinner somewhere nice one time before you leave." Order the most expensive thing on the menu, get drunk. Have them wrap your dinner to go and tell him your meeting friends. Blow him a great big kiss as you wave goodbye forever.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Guys who are only after sex do not wait longer than they set for themselves as the right time to wait. Different guys have different time to wait. Some will drop a girl after the first/the second/the third date without a kiss/or sex. If a girl behaves very attached, they will drop her after the first sex. If a girl behave OK, they will try her for FWBs. If she does not want to be a FWBs/a bootie call, they will drop her after the third intercourse. If she states that she wants to be a FWBs, they will keep her on their list for fun untill she drops them. Ok, this still doesn't make sense to me. If he's leaving, then he's not going to be trying to set up a FWB arrangment. That isn't to say he wouldn't happily have sex with her before he leaves, but telling her he's leaving allows HER to make good choices for HERSELF and doesn't use her. I just don't get the implications that he's trying to use her for sex when his news doesn't help him achieve that goal, especially knowing now that she's a virgin. Honestly, if I'd been making out with a guy and then left and he told me he would be leaving soon and wanted me to know that now that we'd fooled around, I would be grateful, not suspicious. I would say something like "Thank you for telling me this, as it will help me make an educated choice about how I want to proceed. I'll be in touch when I know for sure."
pandagirl Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 My most recent ex told me he might have to move away 2-3 weeks after I met him. It wasn't a definite, but it was on the table (work situation). He did end up moving away shortly after, but it was too late because we were already in love! So we did long-distance. We're broken up now, but that is beside the point.
BruceLeroy Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 This is the one thing about women that confuses me the most. Getting all sprung on a guy they barely know. Or suddenly liking a dude more than they did AFTER they find out the chance of something down the road is unlikely. He is going away and now he all uber man of great potential? Was seeing a girl for a month back at my previous school casually. I didn't get any sense that she cared about changing that at all. We only went out like four times. the very moment I told her I was going to be going to a different school, she wanted to crawl in my butt and make a nest. The rest of the time I tried to spend with her all she could do was pout. WTF?
Insanitylater Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I have a problem with the way he chose to tell you.. I mean, I get that he doesn't have enough invested to owe you a sit-down chat. But a phone call woulda been nice! Most people under 40 are total a**holes with communication nowadays. Should be a surprise to anyone that people do this.
Author Mellisa Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 My most recent ex told me he might have to move away 2-3 weeks after I met him. It wasn't a definite, but it was on the table (work situation). He did end up moving away shortly after, but it was too late because we were already in love! So we did long-distance. We're broken up now, but that is beside the point. How did you know that you were in love? It must be the very strong feelings that you had for each other that compelled you to try long distance.2-3 weeks is too short to tell right? Well, i guess in your case you both just knew while in my case i got nothing from this guy and i showed nothing so i highly suspect if there is anything going on between us.Sorry about your broke up, long distance is never easy, it rarely works out unless you both are so sure it's with the right one and worth the works.
Author Mellisa Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 Honestly, if I'd been making out with a guy and then left and he told me he would be leaving soon and wanted me to know that now that we'd fooled around, I would be grateful, not suspicious. I would say something like "Thank you for telling me this, as it will help me make an educated choice about how I want to proceed. I'll be in touch when I know for sure." I'm with you on that.I dont think he's a bad person who is only after sex. If he does ask to meet again, i'll go and make the most of it(not talking about having sex). And i'll deal with "three weeks later" after three weeks.If there is anything between us, that's what i'm going to explore by seeing him again.If i end up being the only one that get attached at least i'll know i've given it my best shot(not talking about having sex lol). I shouldnt have sex with him right?
Author Mellisa Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 This is the one thing about women that confuses me the most. Getting all sprung on a guy they barely know. Or suddenly liking a dude more than they did AFTER they find out the chance of something down the road is unlikely. He is going away and now he all uber man of great potential? That's a good point raised! Honestly i'm confused about that too..before that i didnt even know i had real feeling for this guy and was in the mindset of"just see how it goes", but now all of sudden, i'm talking about "getting attached" or "having my heart broken",i dont know what is wrong with me... Was seeing a girl for a month back at my previous school casually. I didn't get any sense that she cared about changing that at all. We only went out like four times. the very moment I told her I was going to be going to a different school, she wanted to crawl in my butt and make a nest. The rest of the time I tried to spend with her all she could do was pout. WTF? So you didnt like her? How did it end? How do you think i should behave? Any advice for me?
CrestfallenNoMore Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I shouldnt have sex with him right? This is something only you can answer for yourself. Only you will know when you're ready Though, if you're asking strangers on a message board whether we think you should give up your virginity, I think you should strongly consider the possibility that you aren't mature enough yet for sex.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I'm with you on that.I dont think he's a bad person who is only after sex. If he does ask to meet again, i'll go and make the most of it(not talking about having sex). And i'll deal with "three weeks later" after three weeks.If there is anything between us, that's what i'm going to explore by seeing him again.If i end up being the only one that get attached at least i'll know i've given it my best shot(not talking about having sex lol). I shouldnt have sex with him right? Is that a rhetorical question? Do you see yourself giving up your virginity to a guy who just told you he was leaving?
Author Mellisa Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 This is something only you can answer for yourself. Only you will know when you're ready Though, if you're asking strangers on a message board whether we think you should give up your virginity, I think you should strongly consider the possibility that you aren't mature enough yet for sex. Well, being a virgin, dating is not easy,i have to say i do start thinking about the question like after the third date, in one hand i want to get the virginity thing over with and that i am tempted to have sex cause i feel like i'm turing 25 and still a virgin i should be able to enjoy sex like most people do right? But, on the other hand, i also question if the other perosn is worth it or if i'll regret it later... I used to think i should wait to give it to the guy that has proven his love to me but you know how guys mind work..Maybe i'll never find a perfect guy to lose it to so why not get it over with with this guy? So under what condition should i consider the move?
CrestfallenNoMore Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 (edited) Well, being a virgin, dating is not easy,i have to say i do start thinking about the question like after the third date, in one hand i want to get the virginity thing over with and that i am tempted to have sex cause i feel like i'm turing 25 and still a virgin i should be able to enjoy sex like most people do right? But, on the other hand, i also question if the other perosn is worth it or if i'll regret it later... I used to think i should wait to give it to the guy that has proven his love to me but you know how guys mind work..Maybe i'll never find a perfect guy to lose it to so why not get it over with with this guy? So under what condition should i consider the move? YOU need to define under what conditions it is acceptable to lose your virginity. None of us can answer that for you. Like you, I held on to my virginity into my 20s, thinking I would wait until I fell in love. When that didn't happen on my schedule, and I realized I was ready, I gave it up on a one-night stand. I've never regretted it. One year later, I met the man I would eventually marry, but I still didn't regret it. I didn't care then and I don't care now what anyone else thinks about my decision because it was my decision and I knew I was ready. In other words, I wouldn't have solicited advice from strangers on a message board about whether or not I should be having sex. If you doubt to the degree that you feel compelled to ask others whether you should, the answer is "you shouldn't." Edited October 16, 2010 by CrestfallenNoMore
BruceLeroy Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 So you didnt like her? How did it end? How do you think i should behave? Any advice for me? I liked her fine but we had not known each other long enough to realistically have an attachment that I was going to start factoring her in on life decisions. And before she knew I was leaving, she had not found any reason to start making decisions with me in mind. It just ended. I told her she was building me up to be something unreal. Even if I'd changed my mind, I wasn't that guy she was getting worked up about. I was just an idealized person because I wouldn't be around to disprove the ideal she had building. She got mad and told me to go home. I was leaving in three weeks at that point. We stopped dating and didn't talk much but she did come out with friends before I left town long enough to have a drink before she took off with her friends to some other place. Look at it this way, you can be Idealized girl to him too. A fond what if memory. You should just start thinking of him as a friendly aquaintence.
Author Mellisa Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 I liked her fine but we had not known each other long enough to realistically have an attachment that I was going to start factoring her in on life decisions. And before she knew I was leaving, she had not found any reason to start making decisions with me in mind. It just ended. I told her she was building me up to be something unreal. Even if I'd changed my mind, I wasn't that guy she was getting worked up about. I was just an idealized person because I wouldn't be around to disprove the ideal she had building. She got mad and told me to go home. I was leaving in three weeks at that point. We stopped dating and didn't talk much but she did come out with friends before I left town long enough to have a drink before she took off with her friends to some other place. Look at it this way, you can be Idealized girl to him too. A fond what if memory. You should just start thinking of him as a friendly aquaintence. So is it that guys usually dont develop feelings in a short time say after three dates? If you do, what would you do?
bac Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Well, being a virgin, dating is not easy,i have to say i do start thinking about the question like after the third date, in one hand i want to get the virginity thing over with and that i am tempted to have sex cause i feel like i'm turing 25 and still a virgin i should be able to enjoy sex like most people do right? But, on the other hand, i also question if the other perosn is worth it or if i'll regret it later... I used to think i should wait to give it to the guy that has proven his love to me but you know how guys mind work..Maybe i'll never find a perfect guy to lose it to so why not get it over with with this guy? So under what condition should i consider the move? IMO, Not with him because he is not good enough for you. Dating is hard for everyone not only for virgins. Most women do not enjoy sex as much as you think. IMO For many women it takes years to figure out what sex is about. BTW to enjoy sex you need to know how to masturbate and how to have an orgasm with yourself. You can be a virgin to masturbate and have an orgasm. If you are capable of having O with yourself, you are already enjoying sex. You are right that most people enjoy sex, but those people are probably males. I think that you might meet a guy who is much better that the guy. A guy who cares for you and who can appeciate that he is the first. Also, decisions based on depression and low self-esteem are typically not the best. But, decisions based on positive attitude and high self-esteem are much nore beneficial.
BruceLeroy Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 So is it that guys usually dont develop feelings in a short time say after three dates? If you do, what would you do? I am only one guy and I don't speak for all. No I can't see myself planning my life around someone I've only had a few dates with. I can't say what I'd do as it has never happened. I ttakes more time than a few dates to really know someone. And I think you know that.
Idalis Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 IMO, Not with him because he is not good enough for you. Dating is hard for everyone not only for virgins. Most women do not enjoy sex as much as you think. IMO For many women it takes years to figure out what sex is about. BTW to enjoy sex you need to know how to masturbate and how to have an orgasm with yourself. You can be a virgin to masturbate and have an orgasm. If you are capable of having O with yourself, you are already enjoying sex. You are right that most people enjoy sex, but those people are probably males. I think that you might meet a guy who is much better that the guy. A guy who cares for you and who can appeciate that he is the first. Also, decisions based on depression and low self-esteem are typically not the best. But, decisions based on positive attitude and high self-esteem are much nore beneficial. I agree that this does not seem the guy to have your first sexual experience with just based on his actions so far. But I do disagree on the rest, just based on my own experience. I was a virgin, well in to my late 20's, and I never took it like a burden as some seem to portray it nowadays, like its a hot potato and you just have to get rid of it. While I think you might not totally regret it if you lose it to a one night stand. I also believe you will be really glad if you DON'T and just wait for the right guy to come along. I tried masturbating once in my mid 20's and felt sort of awkward, b/c I wasnt really sure what I was doing anyhow :/ and I just gave up and decided when the time was right it would be. Once I did have sex with someone I'd been seeing for a while who really respected me, and treated me right, and whom I loved, it was really magical. I realized I didnt have to have any experience by myself or with other people, which I thought was really interesting since all I had heard was that my first time would be awful and I would hate it. I didnt hate it one bit, I'll tell you that much Enjoy being a virgin, and treasure it, most people aren't that choosy to wait for the right one, but you can be It might not be the person you're with forever (although in my case I hope it is) but it should be someone you remember forever and not someone who fled in the night. Thats just my opinion, based on my own experience, but I hope it helps .
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