BIGGEST shock of my dating night

[Mellisa]

Hi everyone, i'm new here and need some advice with my stituation

 

Yesterday was my third date with this guy, everthing was great, he made me pasta and we had dinner in his place. We danced and made out a little and then i left at around 10pm. On my way back in the metro, there came a message from him and it read:

 

"I wanted to tell you something tonight.I'm not staying for much longer,i have to leave in November when my contract finishes. I like seeing you,you are very cute,but i understand if you dont want to meet me again"

 

It was like a lightening rod and for a slipt seconds i felt like a stab in my heart. I didnt see it coming, how could i? I had just started getting that giddy feeling and told my best friend that Mark is making pasta...i had thought this time i got to be the cool one and i wouldnt give my heart out easily. I never had much expectation or hopes but read the message then i still felt extremely hurt.More sadly, it made me realize i wanted to see this guy and i didnt want it to just end like that.If whatever little hopes i might have had, it all crushed into million pieces at that moment.

 

Probably not a good idea to see him anymore now that i know he's leaving in three weeks right?It'll just make me more attached and vulnerable and i'm so scared of getting my heart broken again.Part of me still want to see him maybe for one last time, i dont know..I dont know if it would change anything...My best friend said"it's not like you can actually make him stay for you so what is the point?" I think i have issue with just giving up and letting it go cause i always feel like i have to do everything and leave no regret even if it ended up breaking my heart. I dont even if i have strong feelings for that guy or not but still i feel like i should go there one more time...

 

Woke up today and felt like crap,Am i letting myself get attached too easily? Do you guys have advice for me in this situation?should I be more angry instead of other feelings cause he could have told me earlier?

 

Well,that explained why i didnt feel like we were dating...maybe he's just lonely and wanted some company and i actually let it broken a piece of my heart so stupid!

 

P,S. He's a british

[Titania22]

Things change and he could come back. It's up to you, if you don't want to see him again, and risk increasing your heart ache/break. But when I really like someone (and it's really rare that I do), I want to enjoy every moment I can before they are gone. In life there are no promises, people leave, die, things happen. Of course it always hurts when people we like/love are no longer part of our existence. But I am happier knowing that I got to know them at all and I made the most of the opportunity.

 

It means my sadness is tinged with a little happiness.

[that girl]

It was like a lightening rod and for a slipt seconds i felt like a stab in my heart. I didnt see it coming, how could i? I had just started getting that giddy feeling and told my best friend that Mark is making pasta...i had thought this time i got to be the cool one and i wouldnt give my heart out easily. I never had much expectation or hopes but read the message then i still felt extremely hurt.More sadly, it made me realize i wanted to see this guy and i didnt want it to just end like that.If whatever little hopes i might have had, it all crushed into million pieces at that moment.

Seriously, how big a deal to you is this guy? While I do think it is possible to meet someone and just know they are the one, this doesn't read like that to me. It seems more like overdramatic personal issues are creeping in ("I got to be the cool one.")

 

should I be more angry instead of other feelings cause he could have told me earlier?

 

Uh, it was three dates and you don't seem to have slept together yet.

 

Obviously, you can't handle casual. The question is, could you handle long distance. If you could, it might be worth finding out how he feels. If you think this is the guy, long distance makes sense, but it sounds like this might be more about personal validation.

[Idalis]

I have a problem with the way he chose to tell you.. I mean, I get that he doesn't have enough invested to owe you a sit-down chat. But a phone call woulda been nice! Or even an email NOT sent after you just left his place fresh from what sounds like a romantic evening. I'm pretty sure you wouldnt have like the message regardless of how it was delivered but it sounds like he intentionally wanted to stop you in your tracks, either that or he is completely dense as a human being.

 

I think its natural for it to hurt b/c those first few dates when everything is wonderful is when you form the biggest attraction to someone, and he threw you a curve ball. If you do decide to see him again, it might be hard to enjoy any more time with him.. b/c thats gonna be on the back of your mind.

 

I hope it works out, whatever you decide to do

[Mellisa]

Seriously, how big a deal to you is this guy? While I do think it is possible to meet someone and just know they are the one, this doesn't read like that to me. It seems more like overdramatic personal issues are creeping in ("I got to be the cool one.")

 

 

Uh, it was three dates and you don't seem to have slept together yet.

 

Obviously, you can't handle casual. The question is, could you handle long distance. If you could, it might be worth finding out how he feels. If you think this is the guy, long distance makes sense, but it sounds like this might be more about personal validation.

 

Well, it was a little dramatic i agree, but why did he have to text me that message after i JUST left...He's probably not the one but how could i tell with only three dates. I like being with him though and just wanted a chance to see it might go with him. It hadnt been a big deal up till i got that message..dont understand why i have these feelings now..

[xpaperxcutx]

I have a problem with the way he chose to tell you.. I mean, I get that he doesn't have enough invested to owe you a sit-down chat. But a phone call woulda been nice! Or even an email NOT sent after you just left his place fresh from what sounds like a romantic evening. I'm pretty sure you wouldnt have like the message regardless of how it was delivered but it sounds like he intentionally wanted to stop you in your tracks, either that or he is completely dense as a human being.

 

 

Guys like these are not merely dense, but selfish.

 

If he had been more than aware about his short stay where the OP is, he shouldn't have bothered to date anyways. At least not seriously.

 

The only reason he even decided to you tell you (OP) is because he thought he was being the better person. Really, there's no point to continue since you're aware you are attracted to him but will probably not settle for an LDR.

 

Oh and it's probably better that you hadn't slept with him either.

Edited October 15, 2010 by xpaperxcutx

[xpaperxcutx]

Well, it was a little dramatic i agree, but why did he have to text me that message after i JUST left...He's probably not the one but how could i tell with only three dates. I like being with him though and just wanted a chance to see it might go with him. It hadnt been a big deal up till i got that message..dont understand why i have these feelings now..

 

Like I said, in his mind he's probably thinking it's better late than never to play the good guy, so that even if you decide to choose later on that you want to be with him, he'll be less the guilty offender of hurting you.

 

A particularly thing happend to me in the past where I slept with a guy only to have him tell me he just gotten out of a relationship and was sleeping with another girl asides from me.

 

As soon I heard that, I didn't want anything to do with him.

 

It's one thing to lie and another thing entirely to lead someone on by omission.

 

And I am aware of your feelings. You probably did see potential with him ( especially since he made you pasta) but gestures should not cloud your overall judgment to his character. Is he worth a short fling? Are you capable of handling a short fling? Those are questions you should ask yourself.

 

Age old adage- plenty of fishes in the sea.

[spiderowl]

A few things struck me about your posting and a few questions arose.

 

I can well imagine how you feel as you were building something, little by little, with this guy who then sprung on you that he's leaving. No wonder you feel shaken. There is nothing wrong with becoming attached to someone you like, nature arranges this for us and we have little choice. The only choice we have is how we manage the feelings.

 

For him to say he's leaving and not to have told you up front causes one to question what he was doing in the first place (which indeed you did). Was he just seeing it as a casual relationship? Is he still?

 

The way he told you, by text, is a bit off too. Cynical me wonders why he didn't tell you before you both started making out.

 

It sounds like he'd like to carry on seeing you till he goes away. I don't know whether it's my British culture or not but describing you as 'cute' doesn't convey any feeling of attachment to you as a person. He could have said something with feeling, like "I know I'm going to miss you" or "I've started to feel attached to you". What he said seemed more like he saw you as a cute kitten to play with (again, I know I'm cynical so please bear this in mind).

 

He also effectively said he'd understand if you didn't want to see him any more as he is going. He didn't say he'd understand if you didn't want to see him again, but he really wanted to see you, or he'd understand if you didn't want to see him again as he had to go, but he is really starting to question whether he wants to go. He's dumped his status on you as a fait accompli after seeing you a few times, not saying anything, and knowing he must have been building up your hopes. He does not express any regret. I do not detect any sense that he isn't going to go or that he is intending to come back.

 

I'm sorry but the whole story you've given presents itself as light playtime for him and you becoming increasingly attached. It's hard to know what to advise except that in your position I would be asking why he hadn't mentioned it before. Has he got any plans to come back (be wary of trusting these)? I'd also be listening very hard for what he is not saying, in particular, is there any genuine indication that he has started to feel anything for you as a person as opposed to someone he could have a laugh with and physical fun with for a while?

 

I do think it was unfair of him not to mention this before dating you. You've done nothing wrong in growing to like him. I'm just sorry that he wasn't more upfront about his travels.

[bac]

Well, it was a little dramatic i agree, but why did he have to text me that message after i JUST left...He's probably not the one but how could i tell with only three dates. I like being with him though and just wanted a chance to see it might go with him. It hadnt been a big deal up till i got that message..dont understand why i have these feelings now..

 

I am a woman. But, from what I know about men, he expected to have sex with you that night. But, it did not happen. His manhood got dramatic that you did not want him for sex and he decided to get rid of you because he thought that you were hard to get and, also, you were not attracted to him enough. He also thought that he was not attracted to you enough to pursure you further. He thought that he was just wasting his time with you, so, he was looking for a very polite excuse/half-truth to get rid of you for sure. Moreover, perhaps unconsciously, he thought that he would feel some better if he would hurt your feelings.

Edited October 15, 2010 by bac

[Mellisa]

A few things struck me about your posting and a few questions arose.

 

I can well imagine how you feel as you were building something, little by little, with this guy who then sprung on you that he's leaving. No wonder you feel shaken. There is nothing wrong with becoming attached to someone you like, nature arranges this for us and we have little choice. The only choice we have is how we manage the feelings.

 

For him to say he's leaving and not to have told you up front causes one to question what he was doing in the first place (which indeed you did). Was he just seeing it as a casual relationship? Is he still?

 

The way he told you, by text, is a bit off too. Cynical me wonders why he didn't tell you before you both started making out.

 

It sounds like he'd like to carry on seeing you till he goes away. I don't know whether it's my British culture or not but describing you as 'cute' doesn't convey any feeling of attachment to you as a person. He could have said something with feeling, like "I know I'm going to miss you" or "I've started to feel attached to you". What he said seemed more like he saw you as a cute kitten to play with (again, I know I'm cynical so please bear this in mind).

 

He also effectively said he'd understand if you didn't want to see him any more as he is going. He didn't say he'd understand if you didn't want to see him again, but he really wanted to see you, or he'd understand if you didn't want to see him again as he had to go, but he is really starting to question whether he wants to go. He's dumped his status on you as a fait accompli after seeing you a few times, not saying anything, and knowing he must have been building up your hopes. He does not express any regret. I do not detect any sense that he isn't going to go or that he is intending to come back.

 

I'm sorry but the whole story you've given presents itself as light playtime for him and you becoming increasingly attached. It's hard to know what to advise except that in your position I would be asking why he hadn't mentioned it before. Has he got any plans to come back (be wary of trusting these)? I'd also be listening very hard for what he is not saying, in particular, is there any genuine indication that he has started to feel anything for you as a person as opposed to someone he could have a laugh with and physical fun with for a while?

 

I do think it was unfair of him not to mention this before dating you. You've done nothing wrong in growing to like him. I'm just sorry that he wasn't more upfront about his travels.

 

Thanks, i like your sharp analysis! You seem pretty good at reading signs.To give you more information, i think we started off dating quite causal almost like just hanging out, neither of us had expressed any feelings. I thought it was completely ok to take it casual and just see how it would go. Neither of us had any idea how the other person felt. I like him but i had thought i should wait and watch and try not to get myself too invloved until i'm sure how he feels.Do people show much emotions with only three dates? I dont know if it's the "take it slow and try not to freak the other out" or it's the"he's just not that into you"?The problem was i could have had all the time i needed to play casual and watch until i figure the whole thing out but now i feel like i need a quick sharp look into the situation and make the cut cause it's time.

 

So to say if i do decide to meet him again, should i be asking the questions that i have never asked or even slightly hinted? If i do, i would be making it pretty clear to him that i cared and i'm not sure i should show him that i care...do you think i should show him that i care? Honestly i dont quite know for sure that i care but i want him to care...am i being too confusing? Just so want a chance to see how it can go with this guy...

[bac]

Thanks, i like your sharp analysis! You seem pretty good at reading signs.To give you more information, i think we started off dating quite causal almost like just hanging out, neither of us had expressed any feelings. I thought it was completely ok to take it casual and just see how it would go. Neither of us had any idea how the other person felt. I like him but i had thought i should wait and watch and try not to get myself too invloved until i'm sure how he feels.Do people show much emotions with only three dates? I dont know if it's the "take it slow and try not to freak the other out" or it's the"he's just not that into you"?The problem was i could have had all the time i needed to play casual and watch until i figure the whole thing out but now i feel like i need a quick sharp look into the situation and make the cut cause it's time.

 

So to say if i do decide to meet him again, should i be asking the questions that i have never asked or even slightly hinted? If i do, i would be making it pretty clear to him that i cared and i'm not sure i should show him that i care...do you think i should show him that i care? Honestly i dont quite know for sure that i care but i want him to care...am i being too confusing? Just so want a chance to see how it can go with this guy...

 

Melissa, he was probably trying to reject you because you were not easy for sex.

He might be a player and he does not have any feelings for you simply because he is a man. Men do not have feelings so fast as women do. He has already hurt your feelings and it is a fact of reality. That was the real him.

Keep in mind that what you think and fantasize about him is not true. It is just your fantasy. The real guy is different. There is a chance that if you continue to believe in his feelings for you, you might behave irrationally and you might get hurt again.

[Mellisa]

I am a woman. But, from what I know about men, he expected to have sex with you that night. But, it did not happen. His manhood got dramatic that you did not want him for sex and he decided to get rid of you because he thought that you were hard to get and, also, you were not attracted to him enough. He also thought that he was not attracted to you enough to pursure you further. He thought that he was just wasting his time with you, so, he was looking for a very polite excuse/half-truth to get rid of you for sure. Moreover, perhaps unconsciously, he thought that he would feel some better if he would hurt your feelings.

 

Wow, seriously, all he needed to do was just stop calling and i would get it...do you think that is possible? Does anyone ever get excuse from man like that to prove it can really happen? If that's the case, i shouldnt bother with it at all!

[xpaperxcutx]

Wow, seriously, all he needed to do was just stop calling and i would get it...do you think that is possible? Does anyone ever get excuse from man like that to prove it can really happen? If that's the case, i shouldnt bother with it at all!

Most guys can do just about anything to get what they want - sex, money, girls- in said order.

 

If you were ready to have sex with the guy on your 3rd do you think he'd turn it down? Even if he didn't like you, he'd probably still sleep with you.

[Mellisa]

Melissa, he was probably trying to reject you because you were not easy for sex.

He might be a player and he does not have any feelings for you simply because he is a man. Men do not have feelings so fast as women do. He has already hurt your feelings and it is a fact of reality. That was the real him.

Keep in mind that what you think and fantasize about him is not true. It is just your fantasy. The real guy is different. There is a chance that if you continue to believe in his feelings for you, you might behave irrationally and you might get hurt again.

 

That's a new perspective and i appreciate it! Do you think i should find it out by confronting him up straight? Or he has already proven himself a man not worthwhile?

 

Thing is my answer to that message was " I dont know...Maybe we should meet one last time to say goodbye properly. I'm so scared of getting attached and have my heart broken" and he texted back" I know, i understand.I hate leaving places, it's never easy. I'd like to meet you again. I still have over 3 three weeks. I'll send you a message soon"

 

Anyway comment?

[Idalis]

I am a woman. But, from what I know about men, he expected to have sex with you that night. But, it did not happen. His manhood got dramatic that you did not want him for sex and he decided to get rid of you because he thought that you were hard to get and, also, you were not attracted to him enough. He also thought that he was not attracted to you enough to pursure you further. He thought that he was just wasting his time with you, so, he was looking for a very polite excuse/half-truth to get rid of you for sure. Moreover, perhaps unconsciously, he thought that he would feel some better if he would hurt your feelings.

 

I agree with this!!

[Idalis]

I'm liking this guy even less with that response. You put yourself out there and expressed your fear and he responded with a very general, impersonal response. He hates leaving "places" ?? I agree with the posters that stated he probably wanted a quick fling before he ships home, and things probably weren't moving fast enough for him physically.

[Awesome Username]

Melissa, he was probably trying to reject you because you were not easy for sex.

He might be a player and he does not have any feelings for you simply because he is a man. Men do not have feelings so fast as women do. He has already hurt your feelings and it is a fact of reality. That was the real him.

Keep in mind that what you think and fantasize about him is not true. It is just your fantasy. The real guy is different. There is a chance that if you continue to believe in his feelings for you, you might behave irrationally and you might get hurt again.

 

 

Best advice ever. He wanted to get laid before he left, not caring whether or not you'd get hurt from it. Him texting you that message that makes him seem like a good guy is actually a sh*tty way of getting you to agree with a FWB situation for a few weeks.

 

Ignore this jerkwad pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeasseeee!

[OceanGirl]

That's a new perspective and i appreciate it! Do you think i should find it out by confronting him up straight? Or he has already proven himself a man not worthwhile?

 

Thing is my answer to that message was " I dont know...Maybe we should meet one last time to say goodbye properly. I'm so scared of getting attached and have my heart broken" and he texted back" I know, i understand.I hate leaving places, it's never easy. I'd like to meet you again. I still have over 3 three weeks. I'll send you a message soon"

 

Anyway comment?

 

 

I wasn't sure until I read that message. You are putting your feelings on the line, even telling him that you are afraid of getting your heart broken. His response was completly void of any emotion. He is stating facts. He could have said anything to convey that he is going to miss you, that he is getting attached too etc etc. Not to mention that he should have called you.

 

It's like you said "I really like you" and he responded with "I understand".

[Star Gazer]

His response was completly void of any emotion. He is stating facts. He could have said anything to convey that he is going to miss you, that he is getting attached too etc etc.

 

It's like you said "I really like you" and he responded with "I understand".

 

But why should he feel that way after only 3 dates?? You should not "miss" someone or be "attached" after 3 dates.

 

And his message wasn't devoid of emotion. He said he hates leaving places, it's never easy, and that he wants to see her again.

[xpaperxcutx]

I wasn't sure until I read that message. You are putting your feelings on the line, even telling him that you are afraid of getting your heart broken. His response was completly void of any emotion. He is stating facts. He could have said anything to convey that he is going to miss you, that he is getting attached too etc etc. Not to mention that he should have called you.

 

It's like you said "I really like you" and he responded with "I understand".

 

That and the fact that he wrote " I still have over 3 three weeks. I'll send you a message soon" equates- I'll probably won't ever contact you again and I'm only writing that I will to let you down easily, but if, in case I ever do call, it'll be before I'll leave, and we can make our " memories" together.

 

Of course, I'm sure we all know what those " memories" will be.

[bac]

That's a new perspective and i appreciate it! Do you think i should find it out by confronting him up straight? Or he has already proven himself a man not worthwhile?

 

Thing is my answer to that message was " I dont know...Maybe we should meet one last time to say goodbye properly. I'm so scared of getting attached and have my heart broken" and he texted back" I know, i understand.I hate leaving places, it's never easy. I'd like to meet you again. I still have over 3 three weeks. I'll send you a message soon"

 

Anyway comment?

 

You can not confront people up straight successfully. But, you can go with flow and let the person be himself. If you let him be himself, he will show you his true colors. The true colors are real and therefore they are different from your fantasies and expectations about love and attachment.

 

As for you, it is too early to talk about attachment and heart broken after 3 dates. Things like that are not favorite of men. Men do not like that and they do not understand that. Something like that can be a reason for instant rejection.

 

You might want to continue dating the guy if you both want that. If he hurts your feelings, you might learn smth from that. Therefore, next time, perhaps, you will be wiser and more mature emotionally.

Edited October 15, 2010 by bac

[konfuzd]

This really doesn't seem to me like there is any hidden message or agenda. The guy cared enough to let OP know his situation, but didn't care enough to put himself in a position where he's having an awkward and uncomfortable face-to-face with her.

 

I don't think this guy should be forced to lock himself in his bedroom due to the fact that he's only in town short term. He has every right to go out and date, and I think OP should appriciate that he was up front rather than just stringing her along to get as much as he wanted from her and pull the classic dissapearing act.

 

My advice would be to go see him, if you enjoy his company and take it for what it is. No expectations leads to no dissapointment. Don't miss out on an opportunity to have one fun night just because it won't lead to a fun life together. You will still be able to meet "the one" if you wait, but right now, you can just have fun with "this one".

[CrestfallenNoMore]

But why should he feel that way after only 3 dates?? You should not "miss" someone or be "attached" after 3 dates.

 

And his message wasn't devoid of emotion. He said he hates leaving places, it's never easy, and that he wants to see her again.

 

I know, right? After three dates you feel like finding out this information is a "stab to the heart?" Really? Do you normally invest so hard, so soon?

 

I read it more as he realized things were progressing towards feelings or something physical and he wanted to let you know he was leaving. Sure, he should have told you in person, no doubt, but jeez, it's not like you guys even had any exclusive relationship talk unless I missed something?

 

Decide if you want to spend whatever time he has available with him. If no, then don't and date someone else.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

Melissa, he was probably trying to reject you because you were not easy for sex.

 

But how does telling her he's leaving soon promote this hypothesis?

 

If he was just after sex, why would he tell her he's leaving soon? That would be counterproductive to that strategy. Wouldn't he wait until AFTER they'd had sex and THEN tell her he was leaving if sex was his ultimate goal?

Edited October 15, 2010 by CrestfallenNoMore

[xpaperxcutx]

But how does telling her he's leaving soon promote this hypothesis?

 

If he was just after sex, why would he tell her he's leaving soon? That would be counterproductive to that strategy. Wouldn't he wait until AFTER they'd had sex and THEN tell her he was leaving if sex was his ultimate goal?

 

Reverse psychology? I guess the same thing could be said of girls not wanting to jump into bed with a " casual" date but they do anyways even after being told by their date they don't want anything serious.

 

All we do know is that he did tell her, and that in itself has illicited a response from the OP.

 

I suppose a more reasonable explanation would be that the guy knows she likes him but he's suggesting " casual/ sex" without coming out and saying those words. If the OP does continue to see him, she's well aware that that's all he really wants.

Edited October 15, 2010 by xpaperxcutx
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