Deceived

[Too Much]

I've been married for 10 years to my W and we have 2 beautiful young children together. Like many marriages, we've had our share of ups and downs through the years. However, last year at this time, we had a particularly bad period whereby she alleged that I was a controlling spouse and was verbally and emotionally abusive. (This is because our arguments usually end up in shouting matches). We did not speak for 4 months and reconciled thereafter. We work together out of necessity (family business) and its a situatio she is extremely unhappy about. After the reconciliation, things were okay for the next 6 months (still ups and downs, but no more screaming battles and feelings seemed to improve). Suddenly, things began to go sour again about 2 months ago. I felt she had become distant and withdrawn from me. Lack of affection 9handholding, cuddling, etc.) has long been a complaint of mine and I have felt for a long time that she loved me but was not "in love" with me. I approached here to talk about my feelings of neglect and we argued and she told me the flame has gone out, that we don't talk about anything anymore except the business and we are entirely different people. I was extremely hurt by this.

 

Last week, I was using the computer when I accidentally stumbled onto diary entries she made over the past month. She mentions she had been in contact with her teenage boyfriend from 20 years ago, who is married and just had a child. She writes in a tone that addresses him directly and describes how she is unable to let go of her feelings for him, how she is not jealous that he has a wife, how she thinks about him all the time, how he will always have a special place in in heart and how unhappy she is in our current marriage. She repeatedly mentions how her feelings are that she is unable to let him go and to move on, at least not without seeing him one last time. Needless to say, I was devastated. I approached her about this and she did not even flinch. She simply passed it off as diary entires, said she and her ex-boyfriend talked on the phone on several occasions, that he is not aware of the feelings she has and that these were simply random thoughts of emotion that she was feeling various times. I told her we were done and I made an appointment to meet with a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings. I just don't see how I can trust her anymore, but I worry about my children. Am I doing the right thing?

[Windsurf66]

First of all, what was her response when u said u were done and wanted a divorce? If she could not be bother, then why should you

 

If she does not want a divorce, and she is willing to go for MC, and to stop all communication with her ex.bf to work on yr marriage, then there is a chance of saving yr marriage.

 

If not, get out early while you can. Why stay in a unhappy marriage with someone who is already emotionally unfaithful to you? Divorces and remarrying are extremely common, nowadays

[jnj express]

At this point you are doing what you need to do----if she has had thoughts for the old lover----that may have been what was driving a dagger into the heart of your mge.

 

At least she will know you are serious about the future---and if is w/out her so be it.

 

Make sure she knows that the future of the mge., is up to her---in that you will not live in a situation where she is not fully focused on her own mge., and nothing else

 

You cannot control what she does, but you will also not stand by and be dissed----The future is now in her hands----mge., or no mge---its up to her---she either goes NC, and stays that way immediately---or you will file

 

She also needs to show remorse, contriteness, transparency----and follow your boundaries----which need to include no social websites

 

Draw your line in the sand and stand your ground

[health]

I've been married for 10 years to my W and we have 2 beautiful young children together. Like many marriages, we've had our share of ups and downs through the years. However, last year at this time, we had a particularly bad period whereby she alleged that I was a controlling spouse and was verbally and emotionally abusive. (This is because our arguments usually end up in shouting matches). We did not speak for 4 months and reconciled thereafter. We work together out of necessity (family business) and its a situatio she is extremely unhappy about. After the reconciliation, things were okay for the next 6 months (still ups and downs, but no more screaming battles and feelings seemed to improve). Suddenly, things began to go sour again about 2 months ago. I felt she had become distant and withdrawn from me. Lack of affection 9handholding, cuddling, etc.) has long been a complaint of mine and I have felt for a long time that she loved me but was not "in love" with me. I approached here to talk about my feelings of neglect and we argued and she told me the flame has gone out, that we don't talk about anything anymore except the business and we are entirely different people. I was extremely hurt by this.

 

Last week, I was using the computer when I accidentally stumbled onto diary entries she made over the past month. She mentions she had been in contact with her teenage boyfriend from 20 years ago, who is married and just had a child. She writes in a tone that addresses him directly and describes how she is unable to let go of her feelings for him, how she is not jealous that he has a wife, how she thinks about him all the time, how he will always have a special place in in heart and how unhappy she is in our current marriage. She repeatedly mentions how her feelings are that she is unable to let him go and to move on, at least not without seeing him one last time. Needless to say, I was devastated. I approached her about this and she did not even flinch. She simply passed it off as diary entires, said she and her ex-boyfriend talked on the phone on several occasions, that he is not aware of the feelings she has and that these were simply random thoughts of emotion that she was feeling various times. I told her we were done and I made an appointment to meet with a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings. I just don't see how I can trust her anymore, but I worry about my children. Am I doing the right thing?

 

Divorce could bring more problems. If she didn't cheat I say work it out.

You deserve much better though. She sounds like she didn't heal properlly from her last relationship . Also she has no respect for her exes son and family - very selfish, almost homewrecking style. Be careful, I wouldn't put up with her crap - yet divorce may Not bring you the peace you want - know what you want out of this.

[trippi1432]

Too Much - Just a thought, but are you perhaps jumping the gun on the divorce thing? Your wife sought emotional support somewhere else...have you really examined why? At this point, your wife has not had a physical affair.

 

Marriage is not a business transaction, nor is your wife merely a business partner in your life. She needs love, attention and emotional support in a loving and caring marriage, just like you. Given the arguments and blowups, those things eat away at a marriage...especially when neither of your are truly listening to each other anymore.

 

I think your marriage is salvageable if you both are willing to put in the investment. On the other hand, if love is merely the cost of doing business...you may lose more than just your assets.

[tojaz]

I told her we were done and I made an appointment to meet with a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings. I just don't see how I can trust her anymore, but I worry about my children. Am I doing the right thing?

 

Ok, let me get this straight. You were worried about your marriage, were working through some issues but it sounds like life had sort of gotten in the way. Then you find out your wife still has a soft spot for her ex High School squeeze in her thoughts when things are a bit rocky....... SO YOU DIVORCE HER?

 

Tell me theres more to the story man! What prompted you to snoop? One rarely "stumbles" onto and reads a months worth of journal entries by accident.

 

Lets start here, most people, when things get rough, tend to reminisce about times that were better. With the stresses of life, business, family, taking a toll on a marriage, obviously simple HS love is going to seem a lot better by comparison. How could it not? So things get rocky between the two of you and shes remembering a simpler time when love was easy and the face that is connected to those memories are this guys, all be it 20 years ago.

 

If you want out and are looking for an excuse, then i guess you found one, but if its not what you want then my advice would be to get to work! Talk to her about the whats and whys rather then the accusations and broken trust.

 

TOJAZ

[HopelessinDTW]

Well...here's the thing. Everyone here comes with some bias when giving advice. In reality, everyone has differing limits to what they can put up with. BUT..there are children involved, and that plays a MAJOR role in what you need to consider. Divorce will affect them negatively, and unless you and your spouse can really make sure damage to the kids is limited...there is no guarantee they will make it through without some scars. So, you really need to weigh all these factors (your wants, kids well-being), and then make a decision. In my particular case, I was served divorce papers, and knew she has an emotional affair going on (like you she denied it, and said it was just talk). I still thought there might be a chance of reconciling...A month later I caught them having sex...that was my limit.

[What_Next]

You will get all sorts of opinions here on LS. They all will hinge upon what the person went through.

 

Now in my case I discovered an emotional affair my STBX had years ago. At the time I put a stop to it, but we never did deal with it the proper way. We BOTH should have gotten to the bottom of what was going on. If we had her physical affair might not have happened.

 

If I were in your shoes I would play detective for a while. I would discover the length and depth of the affair at this point. Yes I am calling it an affair because that's what it is. If it were emotional only and there was no physical aspect, given the children etc I would say you at least should dig deep and see if you can fix things.

 

DO NOT simply sweep this under the rug, deal with it. Deal with it right away. That means MC and IC, likely for you BOTH. Also it means 100% cut off ALL COMMUNICATION with the OM. It needs to be verified as well.

 

Good luck.

[hopesndreams]

She simply passed it off as diary entires, said she and her ex-boyfriend talked on the phone on several occasions, that he is not aware of the feelings she has and that these were simply random thoughts of emotion that she was feeling various times. I told her we were done and I made an appointment to meet with a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings. I just don't see how I can trust her anymore, but I worry about my children. Am I doing the right thing?

 

Yep, you are doing the right thing.

 

She is the queen of bullsh*t.

[trippi1432]

She simply passed it off as diary entires, said she and her ex-boyfriend talked on the phone on several occasions, that he is not aware of the feelings she has and that these were simply random thoughts of emotion that she was feeling various times. I told her we were done and I made an appointment to meet with a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings. I just don't see how I can trust her anymore, but I worry about my children. Am I doing the right thing?

 

Yep, you are doing the right thing.

 

She is the queen of bullsh*t.

 

I'm sorry, I can't agree with this Hopes. I think.....(no, I know) that anyone can be pulled back from an emotional affair if the other person is (a) aware of it and (b) really wants to salvage the relationship.

 

Case in point - Over ten years ago...and I think of it more a one-sided emotional affair, I had a best MM friend at work. I wasn't married at the time, but I was deeply committed to my now exH even though his drinking had become a problem in our relationship....I know now that I wasn't happy...even back then BUT....It's the only thing that I will ever give my exH credit for in 15 years. He saw signs....I guess back then he was a little intuitive...shame he lost it on the intellectual and emotional side of our relationship. Of course he narrowed his perspective on what some men find most valuable sometimes...sex. But, the fact is..he attempted to try in the only way he knew how....and for that, I changed my mind about leaving him. Why, because he made an effort..because he promised to change, not just for me, but for our family....because he made me feel wanted. At the very core of the female ego...isn't that what we really want? Isn't that what men want as well...to feel wanted and needed?

 

Fast forward to a decade later....the last "date" my exH would have...delivering a Buddah to his drinking buddy..I picked the Buddha for my own reasons...introspectively, call it a last gift to a life now left behind. It was supposed to be OUR day...instead..at the end of the day, it was about his friend...his drinking buddy...or maybe..it was about a business that encompassed our lives and became an interloper. At any rate, a choice was made, a marriage and a commitment left behind for what? PRIDE....SELFISHNESS AND GREED.

 

Too Much - I have 3 generations of family businesses on you - three decades of men who have relented that their lives were a mess except for the women they loved. If you truly love her, you could salvage this...if marriage is just a business transaction to you...then there is no hope, and you will continue on your course for other reasons. It's my hope that you make the right decisions....at the end of the day, we just all want to feel accepted by those who we love.

Edited October 16, 2010 by trippi1432

[hopesndreams]

I'm sorry, I can't agree with this Hopes. I think.....(no, I know) that anyone can be pulled back from an emotional affair if the other person is (a) aware of it and (b) really wants to salvage the relationship.

 

Case in point - Over ten years ago...and I think of it more a one-sided emotional affair, I had a best MM friend at work. I wasn't married at the time, but I was deeply committed to my now exH even though his drinking had become a problem in our relationship....I know now that I wasn't happy...even back then BUT....It's the only thing that I will ever give my exH credit for in 15 years. He saw signs....I guess back then he was a little intuitive...shame he lost it on the intellectual and emotional side of our relationship. Of course he narrowed his perspective on what some men find most valuable sometimes...sex. But, the fact is..he attempted to try in the only way he knew how....and for that, I changed my mind about leaving him. Why, because he made an effort..because he promised to change, not just for me, but for our family....because he made me feel wanted. At the very core of the female ego...isn't that what we really want? Isn't that what men want as well...to feel wanted and needed?

 

Fast forward to a decade later....the last "date" my exH would have...delivering a Buddah to his drinking buddy..I picked the Buddha for my own reasons...introspectively, call it a last gift to a life now left behind. It was supposed to be OUR day...instead..at the end of the day, it was about his friend...his drinking buddy...or maybe..it was about a business that encompassed our lives and became an interloper. At any rate, a choice was made, a marriage and a commitment left behind for what? PRIDE....SELFISHNESS AND GREED.

 

Too Much - I have 3 generations of family businesses on you - three decades of men who have relented that their lives were a mess except for the women they loved. If you truly love her, you could salvage this...if marriage is just a business transaction to you...then there is no hope, and you will continue on your course for other reasons. It's my hope that you make the right decisions....at the end of the day, we just all want to feel accepted by those who we love.

 

I have ZERO tolerance these days AND for the rest of my life for any type of cheating.

 

I used to be of the belief that infidelity and yes, even those "little pesky EA's", can be overcome. I no longer feel that could be a possibility anymore.

 

My advice will be reflective of that now and in the future.

 

Life is grand without a cheater. Kick em all to the curb where they belong.

[trippi1432]

I have ZERO tolerance these days AND for the rest of my life for any type of cheating.

 

I used to be of the belief that infidelity and yes, even those "little pesky EA's", can be overcome. I no longer feel that could be a possibility anymore.

 

My advice will be reflective of that now and in the future.

 

Life is grand without a cheater. Kick em all to the curb where they belong.

 

yep...I've been there...but I also believe, hope..that there is one person out there who cares enough as long as I do..care enough. Not a one of us who were hurt deserve what we got. We throw up the walls of hate to hide behind that which might be good for us.

[hopesndreams]

yep...I've been there...but I also believe, hope..that there is one person out there who cares enough as long as I do..care enough. Not a one of us who were hurt deserve what we got. We throw up the walls of hate to hide behind that which might be good for us.

 

Trippi, OP is acting upon his W's cheating commendably. She is either in or out. She will continue to BS him as long as he allows her to. He isn't allowing it!

 

As for the walls of hate, I have none. How is being with a cheater good for anyone? She has proven herself dishonest and untrustworthy. No point in being with someone like that. None.

[trippi1432]

No, I agree to a point...but if the "other side" never learns how to share in love and commitment, then emotional affairs will always end in divorce rather than a lesson in listening to what the other person needs/wants in their life.

[hopesndreams]

No, I agree to a point...but if the "other side" never learns how to share in love and commitment, then emotional affairs will always end in divorce rather than a lesson in listening to what the other person needs/wants in their life.

 

Are you saying that people can drive people to have A's? Is an A supposed to be a wake-up call for those betrayed to make everything right?

 

The onus is on her and she has taken no responsibility for her behavior.

[Too Much]

Ok, let me get this straight. You were worried about your marriage, were working through some issues but it sounds like life had sort of gotten in the way. Then you find out your wife still has a soft spot for her ex High School squeeze in her thoughts when things are a bit rocky....... SO YOU DIVORCE HER?

 

Tell me theres more to the story man! What prompted you to snoop? One rarely "stumbles" onto and reads a months worth of journal entries by accident.

 

Lets start here, most people, when things get rough, tend to reminisce about times that were better. With the stresses of life, business, family, taking a toll on a marriage, obviously simple HS love is going to seem a lot better by comparison. How could it not? So things get rocky between the two of you and shes remembering a simpler time when love was easy and the face that is connected to those memories are this guys, all be it 20 years ago.

 

If you want out and are looking for an excuse, then i guess you found one, but if its not what you want then my advice would be to get to work! Talk to her about the whats and whys rather then the accusations and broken trust.

 

TOJAZ

 

Tojaz, thanks for your comments. There is more to it. We've had problems throughout our marriage and I feel we both have resentment and bitterness towards one another. However, I've always loved her and would work though anything except infidelity and dishonesty. I took a marriage vow and would not walk away unless I knew there was cheating going on. IThat is one thing I cannot accept. I believe once they've cheated on you, it is only easier to do it again. Remember, we had issues last year that caused us to cease all communications for 4 months. Living together was truly unbearable. I thought we recovered. I thought things were going int he right direction. Then 2 months ago, I sense we started having problems again. We would argue often. She wasn't treating me as kindly and I felt we were distant from one another. It all started when seh got a call from an old teenage friend out of the blue. This friend located her through our business website. They talked about old times. This friend provided my wife with her facebook page. Through that facebook page, my wife found her long lost teenage love. They started communicating by phone. There were 4 calls made that I know of, each lasting over an hour. My wife explained to me she was simply communicating with an old friend who had recently had a baby. This friend was going to be leaving the country in a while. I thought nothing of it. Then when our relationship turned cold, I started digging.

 

In reading the diary entries, she writes directly to her lost love. She mentions she began thinking about him everyday since he contacted her. She thought about him the whole time on his plane ride overseas. She says he emailed her a picture of his baby and she tries to imagine what his wife looks like from the baby's face. She tells him she is unable to let him go and that she wants to own his soul, mind and body. She mentions she does not believe old lovers can ever truly be friends. She states he is the only person who truly knows her. She also complains about her marriage as making her miserable and that it is all my fault. That I am controlling and that she wants a divorce but doesn't know how to tell me. She indicates she feels trapped. She states she is unable to let him go and that she would like to see him in person one time. She states he has a part of her heart forever and describes it as innocent teenage love. When i appraoched her on this, she didn't even flinch. She tried to tell me it was all my fault and how we were not compatible as mates. I was hurt because just a month earlier, we celebrated our 10th anniversary and all seemed well. Can't explain it. But I thought these are her thoughts. This is the truth. What is left to save? How would I ever trust again? We talk agin later on and she agrees again the marriage is heading towrds divorce. Several days later, wife contacts a friend of ours, says she is lonely and depresed and wants to talk. So, what am I supposed to do? I don't think she is willing (or has the ability) to put in the work necessary to regain trust. She still has all of his contact information by her computer (email, phone address, etc.) Help!!

[trippi1432]

Are you saying that people can drive people to have A's? Is an A supposed to be a wake-up call for those betrayed to make everything right?

 

The onus is on her and she has taken no responsibility for her behavior.

 

 

No...the onus is on both of them...THEY should both take responsibility....I think that is what I have been trying to point out here...however...the OP being a sound man who, I hope sees his wife as a woman who needs his love and attention rather than a business partner (something just from his post that he himself acknowledged) why spin a negative innoconatation on it unless that is all you know yoursef?

 

Hopes - reality hit you hard...but is it fair to hit everyone else that way?

[sartrelazyeye]

I've been married for 10 years to my W and we have 2 beautiful young children together. Like many marriages, we've had our share of ups and downs through the years. However, last year at this time, we had a particularly bad period whereby she alleged that I was a controlling spouse and was verbally and emotionally abusive. (This is because our arguments usually end up in shouting matches). We did not speak for 4 months and reconciled thereafter. We work together out of necessity (family business) and its a situatio she is extremely unhappy about. After the reconciliation, things were okay for the next 6 months (still ups and downs, but no more screaming battles and feelings seemed to improve). Suddenly, things began to go sour again about 2 months ago. I felt she had become distant and withdrawn from me. Lack of affection 9handholding, cuddling, etc.) has long been a complaint of mine and I have felt for a long time that she loved me but was not "in love" with me. I approached here to talk about my feelings of neglect and we argued and she told me the flame has gone out, that we don't talk about anything anymore except the business and we are entirely different people. I was extremely hurt by this.

 

Last week, I was using the computer when I accidentally stumbled onto diary entries she made over the past month. She mentions she had been in contact with her teenage boyfriend from 20 years ago, who is married and just had a child. She writes in a tone that addresses him directly and describes how she is unable to let go of her feelings for him, how she is not jealous that he has a wife, how she thinks about him all the time, how he will always have a special place in in heart and how unhappy she is in our current marriage. She repeatedly mentions how her feelings are that she is unable to let him go and to move on, at least not without seeing him one last time. Needless to say, I was devastated. I approached her about this and she did not even flinch. She simply passed it off as diary entires, said she and her ex-boyfriend talked on the phone on several occasions, that he is not aware of the feelings she has and that these were simply random thoughts of emotion that she was feeling various times. I told her we were done and I made an appointment to meet with a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings. I just don't see how I can trust her anymore, but I worry about my children. Am I doing the right thing?

 

You may want to try couple's counseling first?

I mean, have you exhausted all other avenues?...because divorce should really be the last option.

[Steadfast]

People sometimes have unrealistic expectations concerning their spouses and what marriage is supposed to be. Personally, I feel many are deeply influenced by the media (television and movies) who often present the storybook-type romance as typical. It's the reality vs. fantasy syndrome.

 

Who hasn't pined for an old flame or developed a crush? While happily married I fell madly in love at least twice during our 16 years. I didn't act on it, didn't want to. I knew what it was, or more specifically, wasn't.

 

I support HND's take on cheating yet find myself agreeing with Trippi too. On the surface and given the info presented, I see the OP overreacting and displaying some of the controlling behavior his wife has accused him of.

 

I'd cut to the chase and simply determine if she wants to stay. For now, leave love out of it because that emotion has taken a beating between them. At some point, after fairness, honestly and trust has been re-established I'd address the issue of romantic love. Doing anything else right now is like waxing a wrecked car. You have more pressing issues.

[Too Much]

No...the onus is on both of them...THEY should both take responsibility....I think that is what I have been trying to point out here...however...the OP being a sound man who, I hope sees his wife as a woman who needs his love and attention rather than a business partner (something just from his post that he himself acknowledged) why spin a negative innoconatation on it unless that is all you know yoursef?

 

Hopes - reality hit you hard...but is it fair to hit everyone else that way?

 

Trippi, thanks for sharing. No, I do not view my relationship as a business transaction. I love my wife and would do anything for our relationship. But I need to know she is also willing to do the same. When we talked, she indicated clearly that the flame we had is out in her heart. Her diary entries indicate she wants a divorce. She did not show any remorse. She is having feelings for a married man who just had a baby. I'm not sure if it's my responsibility to shoulder the entire load. She has not shown any sign of wanting to work on the marriage. Why is it solely my rsponsibility when she is the one who wrote she wants a divorce?

[Too Much]

People sometimes have unrealistic expectations concerning their spouses and what marriage is supposed to be. Personally, I feel many are deeply influenced by the media (television and movies) who often present the storybook-type romance as typical. It's the reality vs. fantasy syndrome.

 

Who hasn't pined for an old flame or developed a crush? While happily married I fell madly in love at least twice during our 16 years. I didn't act on it, didn't want to. I knew what it was, or more specifically, wasn't.

 

I support HND's take on cheating yet find myself agreeing with Trippi too. On the surface and given the info presented, I see the OP overreacting and displaying some of the controlling behavior his wife has accused him of.

 

I'd cut to the chase and simply determine if she wants to stay. For now, leave love out of it because that emotion has taken a beating between them. At some point, after fairness, honestly and trust has been re-established I'd address the issue of romantic love. Doing anything else right now is like waxing a wrecked car. You have more pressing issues.

 

Steadfast, I'm not trying to be controlling. that's why I'm asking if I'm doing the right thing. I just don't sense she is really that interested in working things out (or more likely she dons't believe there is the possibility things can work out). How am I supposed to do this alone? Remember, she said in her diary she wanted to divorce.

[trippi1432]

Trippi, thanks for sharing. No, I do not view my relationship as a business transaction. I love my wife and would do anything for our relationship. But I need to know she is also willing to do the same. When we talked, she indicated clearly that the flame we had is out in her heart. Her diary entries indicate she wants a divorce. She did not show any remorse. She is having feelings for a married man who just had a baby. I'm not sure if it's my responsibility to shoulder the entire load. She has not shown any sign of wanting to work on the marriage. Why is it solely my rsponsibility when she is the one who wrote she wants a divorce?

 

Too Much...thank you.....but I'm not going to candy coat it ....are you talking at the woman you know or are talking with the woman YOU KNOW? Maybe she is screaming out in those journal entries how much she needs you..she needs someone to understand her..why is it your responsibility? Because she is your wife..and you are her responsibility because you are her husband.

 

Please...don't rush something that you will both regret. I don't think you really want to end it...you will find many here who will validate it for you, but you are the only one who knows your situation. If you both don't open up to each other how can you both make the next stage in your marriage? Marriage is not a constant...it changes as you both change...embrace that.

 

Now, I will tell you, I've been on here long enough to give this advice...stop this before it goes further..if you tell her it's over..you could drive her to someone else and only validate a physical affair...this is where many LS men have gone wrong...the NC, the 180 is only about you and it's about when you truly are ready to move on...I don't think you are there.. I think you love her and I think she loves you...you just both have to show it to each other. This "ea" shows how much she needs you...and she wants you to need her...please, go to MC and rediscover each other. LS is slowly becoming the place of those who either didn't...or weren't afforded that chance.

[Windsurf66]

is she willing to go for MC, make the commitment to work on your marriage, and end contact with her old flame?

 

If no to any of the above, then start making preparations for a divorce. Start getting some evidence of her emotional/physical infidelity (e.g. her diary), emails etc. Start meeting new friends, and prepare to get on with your life. You have waste 10 years with this unfaithful woman, don't waste anymore, there will be someone out there who will truly love you with sincerity. Not this whore

[Steadfast]

 

....are you talking at the woman you know or are talking with the woman...

 

**SNIP**

 

Now, I will tell you, I've been on here long enough to give this advice...stop this before it goes further..if you tell her it's over..you could drive her to someone else and only validate a physical affair...this is where many LS men have gone wrong...the NC, the 180 is only about you and it's about when you truly are ready to move on...I don't think you are there.. I think you love her and I think she loves you...you just both have to show it to each other. This "ea" shows how much she needs you...and she wants you to need her...please, go to MC and rediscover each other. LS is slowly becoming the place of those who either didn't...or weren't afforded that chance.

 

 

I agree. If there is the slightest chance, you must try. If it ultimately ends in divorce, it is imperative to your healing that you know you tried. This is not to be taken lightly, and one reason why most will advise that you slow down, take a breath and think. Some words can't be taken back.

 

I'll say it again; it's time to lay the cards on the table. This will take much courage on your part, because she may tell you some things that you're not going to like. Still that is better than if she's closed off. You can't make the mistake of overreacting, which will make her shut down even more. You must show her that you love her. Don't tell her. Show her. You do that by allowing her to express what's bothering her. Get to the bottom of it.

 

Remember: every relationship has compromises.

 

If she remains distant or becomes even more closed off, then you'll have no choice. The key again here is communication; tell her that won't do.

 

Better for me, or anyone to advise you on more on getting the right perspective and mindset than telling you about my failed marriage. A very dear friend teaches this mantra: "Teach someone how to think, not what to think." Love is the critical element, but there are legions of divorced couples that love each other. Without trust, consideration, honesty and a true and honest sense of caring, you're doomed to fail.

[tojaz]

Tojaz, thanks for your comments. There is more to it. We've had problems throughout our marriage and I feel we both have resentment and bitterness towards one another. However, I've always loved her and would work though anything except infidelity and dishonesty. I took a marriage vow and would not walk away unless I knew there was cheating going on. IThat is one thing I cannot accept. I believe once they've cheated on you, it is only easier to do it again. Remember, we had issues last year that caused us to cease all communications for 4 months. Living together was truly unbearable. I thought we recovered. I thought things were going int he right direction. Then 2 months ago, I sense we started having problems again. We would argue often. She wasn't treating me as kindly and I felt we were distant from one another. It all started when seh got a call from an old teenage friend out of the blue. This friend located her through our business website. They talked about old times. This friend provided my wife with her facebook page. Through that facebook page, my wife found her long lost teenage love. They started communicating by phone. There were 4 calls made that I know of, each lasting over an hour. My wife explained to me she was simply communicating with an old friend who had recently had a baby. This friend was going to be leaving the country in a while. I thought nothing of it. Then when our relationship turned cold, I started digging.

 

In reading the diary entries, she writes directly to her lost love. She mentions she began thinking about him everyday since he contacted her. She thought about him the whole time on his plane ride overseas. She says he emailed her a picture of his baby and she tries to imagine what his wife looks like from the baby's face. She tells him she is unable to let him go and that she wants to own his soul, mind and body. She mentions she does not believe old lovers can ever truly be friends. She states he is the only person who truly knows her. She also complains about her marriage as making her miserable and that it is all my fault. That I am controlling and that she wants a divorce but doesn't know how to tell me. She indicates she feels trapped. She states she is unable to let him go and that she would like to see him in person one time. She states he has a part of her heart forever and describes it as innocent teenage love. When i appraoched her on this, she didn't even flinch. She tried to tell me it was all my fault and how we were not compatible as mates. I was hurt because just a month earlier, we celebrated our 10th anniversary and all seemed well. Can't explain it. But I thought these are her thoughts. This is the truth. What is left to save? How would I ever trust again? We talk agin later on and she agrees again the marriage is heading towrds divorce. Several days later, wife contacts a friend of ours, says she is lonely and depresed and wants to talk. So, what am I supposed to do? I don't think she is willing (or has the ability) to put in the work necessary to regain trust. She still has all of his contact information by her computer (email, phone address, etc.) Help!!

 

Well first Im going to suggest you read some of the posts here again, Including mine, but from the perspective of what her side of things might be. I dont see that here, I see what you have made your mind up is happening and are acting in that direction, your right ther IS more to it!

 

Im curious about the title of your thread "Deceived". Where did she deceive you? You asked, she told. She has all his (A suspected OM) information right next to her computer, in plain sight! Leaves diary passages accessible on a shared computer? (Since trust is so important I will assume you were not snooping) From what you (the suspicious party) have written I don't see an affair, or cheating, I see a woman who yes has a school girl crush on the fantasy of her highschool boyfriend, and I see her thinking back when she is having a hard time in her marriage. Seeing things she would like to have in her own.

 

TAKE THE HINT! Sounds an awful lot like a child dog earing a toy catalog before christmas if you ask me. Think about it, and decide what you WANT not what you feel is a forgone conclusion. If every couple divorced when they wondered "What if" the divorce rate would be 100%

 

TALK TO HER!

 

TOJAZ