Tricia23 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I'll do my best to keep this story short, but a few days ago, my relationship of 6 months ended. It was a very different relationship I was ever in. From the beginning there seemed to be something that wasn't right. We had our share of arguements and problems. But to be honest, I dont think he was over his ex. He dated her 6 years ago, so I dont know how that could be, but that was my guess. I am the type of girl to bring my all to the realtionship. I give everything, and I love hard. He seemed to love me too, but I felt he wasn't giving me his all. In the beginning I was the one who was very hesitant to date him in the beginning, but I gave him after he told me, he'd never hurt me etc.. Well I was wrong. He became very verbally abusive, and very hurtful towards me recently. Like the idiot that I am, he asked for my forgiveness, and of course I forgave him. He would always tell me I was the one who needed to change, (because when we fought, I wouldnt leave him be, I just wanted to talk out our problems, and apparently he didnt like that so he would get angry and lash out at me) So this last time, I guess I said something sarcastically and he didnt like it, so needless to say, that was it for us. He didn't want to have anything to do with me... and he left. So here I am upset, and sad. Yes I know I should be happy he's gone, and move on, but I'm not. I felt I gave it my all, I gave him my heart as he promised not to hurt it, and he did. He just didnt care. I need some advice on what to do. Why was he like that? Was there really something wrong with me? Or was it just him? I know I was wrong for not leaving him be, but I'm the type who wants to work out our problems. Not leave them to get worse. I'm drowning in such sadness over here. Any advice would be so helpful....
skydiveaddict Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 but I gave him after he told me, he'd never hurt me etc.. Well I was wrong. I'm very sorry that you got hurt. the only advice I can give you is are you willing to trust someone again with your heart, and go with it. For me the answer to that question is no.
WTRanger Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 You can never promise someone you won't hurt them. That's an impossible promise, just as when I was leaving for deployment I couldn't promise my family I would return. Certain things are beyond our control. You can do your best in a relationship to not hurt someone, but you can't promise things won't go south. Trust, that's all you have. Trust in that things will work out the way they work out. It sounds like that given time and healing, you will realize you didn't need this asswipe in your life. No one should EVER tell the other person in the relationship that only they are the one who needs to change.
really-broken Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 It was his problem not yours. You deserve a lot better than that. Yes love can be strange, I personally am struggling with why I still love my ex even months after we broke up, and she moved on, but I think love is one of these things that is very difficult to rationalize or understand. It might be very difficult to determine why he was like that, but there's a possibility that there are some things he just didn't tell you and were going on in his mind.
Author Tricia23 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Oh I completely understand that nobody can promise not to hurt you, but they type of hurt I experienced with him was absolutely awful, and I truly mean awful. I was the most amazing person to him. I offered to help him in ANY way possible. But he never seemed to open up to me as much. And when I aggrivated him, the verbal abuse came out. Then he said I needed to change. It was just an absolute roller coaster. No, I can't trust at all. Ive been broken too badly to do so. But I felt I was really in the wrong. I did ALL I could to try and change, but it wasn't good enough. He said he wasn't going to let me ruin another minute of his life!!!! Thats the thing, I NEVER ruined his life. Just because I didnt leave him alone when he was mad!! Is that any reason to verbally abuse someone and say they ruined their life? I honestly dont think so. I guess there was more I never knew, and its sad, because I would have been there through anything.....
WTRanger Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 But at some point you have to respect yourself to know when enough is enough. You have to learn your own boundaries in relationships. With some people, the more you try to help the more you anger them. You really have to learn when to step back. You also have to understand that if you aren't comfortable with someone like that, you need to end the relationship as it's not healthy for you.
really-broken Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Oh I completely understand that nobody can promise not to hurt you, but they type of hurt I experienced with him was absolutely awful, and I truly mean awful. I was the most amazing person to him. I offered to help him in ANY way possible. But he never seemed to open up to me as much. And when I aggrivated him, the verbal abuse came out. Then he said I needed to change. It was just an absolute roller coaster. No, I can't trust at all. Ive been broken too badly to do so. But I felt I was really in the wrong. I did ALL I could to try and change, but it wasn't good enough. He said he wasn't going to let me ruin another minute of his life!!!! Thats the thing, I NEVER ruined his life. Just because I didnt leave him alone when he was mad!! Is that any reason to verbally abuse someone and say they ruined their life? I honestly dont think so. I guess there was more I never knew, and its sad, because I would have been there through anything..... I am sorry to hear all of this, it must feel very awful. But this is all the more reason to let your feelings go, because he was not right for you. Never ever do I personally consider it right to verbally abuse anyone in a relationship. I am a guy and I would never do anything to hurt my girlfriend - relationships are there to make us happy and to feel supported, as well as to satisfy our emotional needs and explore ourselves and the other person, but if you reach a point where someone hurts you and you are trying to help them and are giving them all you have, then they are just not worth it. I personally would keep the possibility open to trust someone again if this happened to me, because being in a loving and caring relationship to me was an experience that is worth sacrificing a lot for, even though I ended up being hurt in the end. In short, don't give up on love - not on a person, but on love. You can give up on a person.
Author Tricia23 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 So basically, the more you try to help a person, the more upset they get? I dont understand why. Is it because they want control of their own life, and they dont want anyone to help them or offer advice, because they think someone is trying to take over? I've never met anyone like that before. Thats a bad quality to have I think. I figured that when you help someone, they appreciate that. Yes, I know I should have left earlier, but I guess i'm too nice, and I believe in people too much. I just dont get why someone would be so ungrateful and rude to someone who offers so much and alot of love. Is it a real reason to leave someone just because I didnt stop talking when we were fighting? Seems like he found everything wrong with me...
WTRanger Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 The thing is, you think you are trying to help but the other person sees it as annoying nagging. If someone tells you that they don't want to talk,then you continue to pry that just frustrates them. If you have brothers or sisters, then it's like them nagging you to do something. The best things is to offer help, then if the other person doesn't want it then you back off and let them deal with the problem. Sometimes people just don't want help, they want to figure it out on their own. Then if they really need help, they will seek it. But it's not always up to you to constantly offer help.
kaycstamper Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Sometimes you can give too much, too fast. Instead of being appreciative, they see you as needy and they don't respect you and treat you badly. Hold back more until the other person has earned your trust and is giving as much as you, let them see that you respect yourself first and foremost. Sometimes when they find fault with you they are looking for a way out but instead of them getting you to call it off, you're tenacious and trying all the harder, so they treat you all the worse...a bad vicious cycle to get into. Unfortunately with those kind of people, they often don't communicate effectively and are socially immature so you can't get them to level with you and be honest about how they feel...and then again, they might not even be in touch with themselves enough to know how they feel. Sometimes they feel bad for treating you badly and don't know why they do but then when they're around you they feel bad about themselves so they might begin withdrawing. My best advice is to back off, go on with your life and concentrate on YOU. Good luck!
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