Do I really want a ring, or is it just peer/ biological clock pressure ??

[Idalis]

Hello... I'm new here and have read quite a few posts.. and its good to see that I am not alone in trying to make a go of an LDR

 

bf and I are both 30.. our careers are not where they need to be due to the economy, but we're both well educated, and have very marketable experience if we were to CHOOSE to settle down..

 

My BF is great.. we are pretty much meant to be, I mean we argue, and have our differences but its always good about 95% of the time. We're not that far from each other (3.5 hr drive) so we see each other every w/e or worst case scenario twice a month. We get along great, his family loves me, my family loves him.. we're happy.

 

the ONLY issue I might have is that my BF is the strong & silent type .. in person our conversations are fabulous, we laugh, we chat, we watch TV, we cuddle, we go out, we're together nonstop on the weekends we're together. Its only a problem sometimes when we're apart and he gets sort of cold. If I remind him that I need more from our relationship then he makes the effort and calls/ texts/ video chats more, as needed.. so its a problem that would be non existent with out the LDR situation.

 

So, my problem is ... we've talked about marriage in the course of our 2 year 4 month relationship, and its always like a road block. My BF says that he doesnt have anything to offer me yet and that he's working on it and until then he wouldnt propose. I'm completely okay with this b/c I do want someone that does have something to offer financially. I'm old enough to know that the fairytale doesn't end at the altar and I want financial security. I make decent money for myself and he has a startup business that will eventually grow but it could take years. It seems like all our family is getting married (his & mine) all our friends, everyone. Or they're having kids :/

 

I feel selfish b/c if it wasn't for the fact that I want kids.. this would be a non-issue... but I feel the pressure of the ticking clock that says what if I cant have kids later on?? What if I wait two years and he still doesn't propose?? I've already planned that the longest I will wait is 2 additional years.. but until then do I just assume this will happen?? I do NOT want to become one of those girls that nags her man for a ring.. I want it to happen b/c he wakes up one day and can't live with out me.

 

I have 5 sisters.. all are married, and when our family gets together on those odd weekends when he cant be here my heart YEARNS for a family so badly!!! And if he IS here or when we're at his family's and we get the "so when are you two getting hitched" "you're perfect for each other" "dont let her get away" and he says that HE'S not ready it makes me so humiliated and I can't help but feel resentment. I don't want to be this person.

 

Before I met him I was so settled with the idea of being alone forever.. I'd seen what love did to people and didn't want it and I'd been hurt so badly. And now that he's in my life I just wish we were on the same page on that one issue...Sorry for such a long post.. I guess it feels good to get this out there, Opinions or thoughts are welcome.

[SophieA]

I'm sure you've heard this a billion times, but I'm going to say it again. Everyone has their own timeline for getting engaged/married/babies.

 

I totally get where you're coming from b/c I've been there. Both of my sisters were married and their husbands proposed loooooooooooong before my fiance did. I struggled with the "why aren't we there yet?" far more that I'd like to admit. It took him over 7 years to be ready and I was not always patient.

 

Like you mentioned... you want it to be because HE asked and really wanted it... not b/c you pressured him. So I think what you're doing is the right thing. You've set a timeline in your head. If it hasn't happened by that time, you walk.

[Idalis]

Thanks!! the whole timeline thing is so true, and of course to a great extent I believe it! Sometimes it just gets hard to see all the wedding dresses, and the babies while we're 'living the teenage dream'. But I realize that what I have is really good on its own, just not according to societal pressures, and to some extent my own desire to be a wife & mom.

 

One of our mutual friends just got married to some girl he'd known for 6 months, b/c she kept harassing him about it and he's really insecure!! And of course they're all wrong for each other, they were talking divorce two weeks later, yet I allow myself to feel that because they were married that validated their relationship more than ours. My mind knows thats crazy talk.

 

I do want it in the best, happiest way possible...but, like you , I don't know how patient I can be :/

[SophieA]

Thanks!! the whole timeline thing is so true, and of course to a great extent I believe it! Sometimes it just gets hard to see all the wedding dresses, and the babies while we're 'living the teenage dream'. But I realize that what I have is really good on its own, just not according to societal pressures, and to some extent my own desire to be a wife & mom.

 

One of our mutual friends just got married to some girl he'd known for 6 months, b/c she kept harassing him about it and he's really insecure!! And of course they're all wrong for each other, they were talking divorce two weeks later, yet I allow myself to feel that because they were married that validated their relationship more than ours. My mind knows thats crazy talk.

 

I do want it in the best, happiest way possible...but, like you , I don't know how patient I can be :/

 

You sound so much like I sounded. I completely understand your feelings.

 

As long as you have made it clear to him that you do have that desire to be a wife and a mom and he told you that he wants to be a husband and father...then all you can really do is wait until he is ready. The ball is in his court now.

[folieadeux]

I completely understand where you’re coming from. Everyone has their own internal timeline for these things. It’s inevitable. Some people, regardless of gender, are just ready sooner or later than others. I’m right at the age you and your SO are and can completely relate about feeling the pressure even more when it seems like everyone around you is settling down.

 

The key is to try not to put pressure on the situation, while still keeping your goal in mind. You have every right to want to get married and start a family when you’re ready and not wait years and years for that to happen. It’s just so darn easy to get carried away when you’ve met the person you want to do all these things with.

 

Enjoy your time together; it'll happen when it's meant to.

[Idalis]

I have brought this up and we've had serious conversations about it. We're both sort of transitioning in our careers and therefore, financially, I know it doesnt even make sense to get engaged right now. Still, part of me wishes we could throw caution to the wind.. but of course I know that would be dumb b/c we would be struggling, or worse, settle for a career path that would pay the bills but not make us happy.

 

If I wasn't 30 yrs old I would be ecstatic with what we have, b/c time wouldn't be an issue.. he's what I wanted since forever.. And 9 times out of 10 I am ecstatic. Just sometimes..... I crack and want it ALL, mainly when people start pushing their agenda on me.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I think you're right and I just need to enjoy it

[Crazy4what]

Worst thing you can do is rush things and end up in a wrong path.

 

Enjoy your time together like the other poster said.

 

Kinda sucks tho hes cold when he is only 3 hrs away hehe.

[Eeyore79]

We're both sort of transitioning in our careers and therefore, financially, I know it doesnt even make sense to get engaged right now.

 

Um... since when was love a financial decision? I wasn't aware that getting engaged cost anything apart from a few hundred dollars for a ring! It sounds like you're making excuses to rationalize why he hasn't proposed to you yet.

[Idalis]

Love isn't a financial decision, which is why I'm not questioning his love. Marriage is a financial decision, and thats what I want. Not a new piece of jewelry.

I guess a ring means different things to different people for me it means a 6 month engagement.. and I know that is not a possibility right now.

 

Crazy4what - We lived near each other the first year and a half of our relationship so its taken some adjustment to the whole long distance thing. (3 hrs of driving is more draining that it sounds, unfortunately) We never talked on the phone for the first year and a half, since we saw each other every day, if we did it was just to make plans.. so going from that to depending on electronics for communication has taken some effort. But its gotten a lot better...

 

thanks for the feedback!

[rebeccajones]

Hi Idalis, you recently replied to one of my posts. I came across yours. I was in a similar situation and I chose to leave it. I too felt like you I did not want to become that nag. It was just so hard because I am so ready and when I see children and families I just think how lovely it is and how important children are and how I'd like to help raise one. Anyway he was not ready. I knew from the beginning really he was not thinking of marriage or children, but I did not realize he would not change, my mistake. Anyway I may have jumped the gun it's just I was becoming annoyed with him and we did not seem to be moving in that direction. I thought it was a natural step (marriage/family), we love each other and we want to be a team in this life. He did not see it that way I guess! You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, I know it's tough and you do have time. I am much older than you. It's a tough situation I hope it works out. Try to forget about it for a while. See if he responds.

[aerogurl87]

Um... since when was love a financial decision? I wasn't aware that getting engaged cost anything apart from a few hundred dollars for a ring! It sounds like you're making excuses to rationalize why he hasn't proposed to you yet.

 

I have to agree with Eeyore79, you can have a wedding in 6 months, it may not be a giant wedding with all the bells and whistles, but you can get married. What's a marriage certificate, like $100? And really if you two did get married wouldn't you be saving more money by being able to pool together to pay living expenses and then you wouldn't be so stressed about money? I really see this as an excuse as my parents got married 27 years ago and had a wedding for $300. When you really love someone, money isn't an excuse in not marrying them especially if it's something you really want to do.

[Idalis]

Hi Idalis, you recently replied to one of my posts. I came across yours. I was in a similar situation and I chose to leave it. I too felt like you I did not want to become that nag. It was just so hard because I am so ready and when I see children and families I just think how lovely it is and how important children are and how I'd like to help raise one. Anyway he was not ready. I knew from the beginning really he was not thinking of marriage or children, but I did not realize he would not change, my mistake. Anyway I may have jumped the gun it's just I was becoming annoyed with him and we did not seem to be moving in that direction. I thought it was a natural step (marriage/family), we love each other and we want to be a team in this life. He did not see it that way I guess! You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, I know it's tough and you do have time. I am much older than you. It's a tough situation I hope it works out. Try to forget about it for a while. See if he responds.

 

Hey! I hope you're feeling better

Thanks for your kind words! I was feeling pretty down the day I wrote this after letting people get to me. (Acquaintances, not friends) And I get frustrated with myself at not being at the point where I want to be yet, in my career, but its a lengthy career and I knew this going in to it, and it will payoff, I just need patience!

I don't know if it was reading and posting on here, or just an incident that happened with my bf but a very strange calm come over me about this whole issue. (Not to say it will never come up again) But we got in to a little argument (completely unrelated, and completely petty) and I happened to be at my parents house about 4 hours away from him. I went to bed, upset & annoyed with him, when I get a text at 8am to go to the door. There was my bf cold and tired. He couldnt sleep and drove to see me for the day. I was supposed to go meet him and help him out. And I don't know it was just something about it, can't explain it but it made my worries dissipate.

 

That sucks about the guy you walked away from, but if he did not want what you wanted down the road then you probably did the right thing! I ended a relationship like that once and I know it was the best thing I ever did!

 

Family is very important to both my bf and I. We both come from huge families and want the same thing (well definitely not as huge) You know, the BBQ's, get-togethers, church on Sunday, road trips with the family, vacations. We lived almost parallel childhoods, oddly enough, and those are some of our favorite memories, and something we want to create with time!

 

I have to agree with Eeyore79, you can have a wedding in 6 months, it may not be a giant wedding with all the bells and whistles, but you can get married. What's a marriage certificate, like $100? And really if you two did get married wouldn't you be saving more money by being able to pool together to pay living expenses and then you wouldn't be so stressed about money? I really see this as an excuse as my parents got married 27 years ago and had a wedding for $300. When you really love someone, money isn't an excuse in not marrying them especially if it's something you really want to do.

 

I have already decided that if wanting a marriage certificate ever gets more important to me than being his gf I will be the first person to walk away and cut my losses, so to speak. But right now I know that being ANYONE else's wife would not make me nearly as happy as being his gf.

 

I can see how it might sound like an excuse I suppose, to think its JUST about money. Its about certain different variables, all with in our control which is why we're working on things to get them to where they need to be. I'm lucky that I have a lot of siblings and I've learned from some of their mistakes with out having to make them myself.

 

(Just on a side note but I do want a wedding Doesn't have to be lavish by any means but has to be a church wedding with all our family members to share in our day!)

 

That is sweet about your parents! Mine have also been married for 37 years and still going strong.

[Romance]

I'm only 20 and i'm in a hurry to get marrried and have babies! So I can only imagine. The idea of getting married is just so fun and beautiful to me.

 

I hope he asks you soon!

[Els]

I honestly think that this problem is one shared by many women, due to a dilemma caused by both society and biology. Education is taking longer and longer; the high school cert of yesterday is the bachelor's degree of today. People take longer to start working and achieve financial security. 'Minimum living standards' are higher. Men have been made to think that their life must be perfectly set with everything perfectly in place before they should even dare think about a family; another school of thought is also telling them that marriage is a commitment that they don't want to be in yet, 30 is still young, they need to find themselves first, etc. Which is probably kind of true, depending on how you look at it.

 

Yet, biology is not changing. Women are most fertile in their teens and 20s, and this has always been the case. Not only that - younger men as well, contrary to what many like to believe, produce better and more virile sperm, increasing chances of fertilization and chances of a healthy baby. Also, alongside with the pressure on men to retain eternal bachelorhood (and thus paradise), there is opposite pressure on women. Women who marry late or don't marry are considered less desirable, whereas women who get a mate early are considered lucky or desirable.

 

This results in women almost always wanting marriage earlier than men, even though the wiser ones among them don't pressure their men into it.

 

Personally, I would not care a bit for marriage if it weren't for society. But I too am human, and I must admit that in your position I would be anxious as well, if only purely due to biological/peer pressure. What can you do about it? I really don't know. I only know that I've seen plenty, plenty of women in this position and having trouble with it.

[Idalis]

I agree with everything you said!!

It really isn't an issue for ME, its more when people start questioning the validity of my relationship that I start to feel like we need to get married to prove that we are in love and serious about each other. As evident by the divorce rates, a marriage certificate doesn't prove anything! Its just society saying 'okay at least you got married' even if it didn't work, to me that just reeks of settling, but of course its happened every now and then that I've bought in to that same notion.

 

I like your sig, it seemed relevant to the topic

[StephanieB]

I SOOO relate to you.

Me and BF have been together over 6 years.. LDR for 4 (different Universities), then we moved across the country together and lived together for 2.. now I am back in school (on the same side of the country as him, but still a 5 hour drive away).. and his sister who moved out here a year ago is engaged and getting married to a guy she has been with for a year now (My BF is the oldest of the siblings).

We both have said that we don't want to get married until I am done school but secretly I'd love if he asked me!

I never cared before, but lately I have been getting so many people ask why we aren't engaged yet.. and I am starting to think I don't have a good answer to that question.

I act tough like I don't care when we get married because we are so solid and don't need a ring to prove it but secretly I would be thrilled if he popped the question!