hard to kill

[joey66]

EMRs are so hard to kill. It's easy to get into an A and near impossible to make it end. Even when you think it's over it comes right back and bites you in the butt. Months of NC can be ruined by one accidental meeting.

 

Why is that? Why won't it die?

[Fieldsofgold]

EMRs are so hard to kill. It's easy to get into an A and near impossible to make it end. Even when you think it's over it comes right back and bites you in the butt. Months of NC can be ruined by one accidental meeting.

 

Why is that? Why won't it die?

 

If I could answer that question, I would be on Oprah, instead of posting on LS for free!

 

You've popped into my mind several times the past couple of weeks. I've wondered how you were doing. I'm sorry things aren't better for you.

 

If I may ask, what happened?

[bentnotbroken]

Murder is a sure way to make sure it's dead.

[Star_Bright]

I've wondered the same thing... it was/is much harder for me to break up with ex MM and stay broken up. It's harder for the feelings to die and harder to move on.

 

I think it's because we look back and realize we never should have done it but thought it was worth it. So when it doesn't turn out, we feel foolish. I guess that is one explanation, I'm sure there are others, but that one rings true to me.

[Circular]

EMRs are so hard to kill. It's easy to get into an A and near impossible to make it end. Even when you think it's over it comes right back and bites you in the butt. Months of NC can be ruined by one accidental meeting.

 

Why is that? Why won't it die?

 

Reading all the threads and knowing my own experience I've become acutely aware that these relationship stick in your mind a lot stronger than any other. When I was dating in college I don't think I was much affected after even two months after a break-up. Now, more than six months later I'm still thinking WTF !?! Why am I still hanging on to this so strongly. And, when I was in college I didn't always turn around and start dating again, I usually spent a few months hanging with my friends and just chilling. Ok, so I've done that, and I've been working on having fun with my W but still.... Of course, it didn't help that I saw her a few weeks ago (didn't say much to her) but here I still am... stuck...

 

I can only conclude as to what I've said before in another thread. That there's no real closure. You don't have enough time with them and real 'life' time experience with them to draw a proper conclusion that it 'wouldnt work' and without knowing that there's always the possibility in your mind that it 'might have worked and might have been the best of all worlds' and without that closure there's always the wondering. And, all it takes is seeing, talking, etc... that person again to make you wonder and that's basically 20 steps backwards.

[UntoldStory]

I've thought so much about this very thing, and my two cents: there's no good way to get closure because usually it's a secret. So you can't grieve the breakup the same way you would a normal relationship -- ie telling everybody, having your two weeks of looking like s**t, your two months of not wanting to have any social interaction at all, etc... With an A, at least one of the partners HAS to focus on something other than grieving the end of the A (whether it's working on a divorce or putting a marriage back together). No way to get good closure.

 

Of course, "normal" relationships can end without closure too, but there's something about the secrecy of the A that really prevents it.

[Circular]

I've thought so much about this very thing, and my two cents: there's no good way to get closure because usually it's a secret. So you can't grieve the breakup the same way you would a normal relationship -- ie telling everybody, having your two weeks of looking like s**t, your two months of not wanting to have any social interaction at all, etc... With an A, at least one of the partners HAS to focus on something other than grieving the end of the A (whether it's working on a divorce or putting a marriage back together). No way to get good closure.

 

Of course, "normal" relationships can end without closure too, but there's something about the secrecy of the A that really prevents it.

 

Yea, the secrecy thing plays a big part. Typically your ex will be socialized with your friends. So when you say "Hey man, I broke up with X" and they say "Dude, WTF took you so long" you have instant validation to reinforce your choice. Of course you can always have the idiot friend who says "Wow, you're never going to find a woman that good again."... There is something about social validation though.

[Fieldsofgold]

Yea, the secrecy thing plays a big part. Typically your ex will be socialized with your friends. So when you say "Hey man, I broke up with X" and they say "Dude, WTF took you so long" you have instant validation to reinforce your choice. Of course you can always have the idiot friend who says "Wow, you're never going to find a woman that good again."... There is something about social validation though.

 

I think you and Untold Story both make very good points. I think especially the fact that you never had a chance for a RL relationship, so you didn't ge to learn what a b*t@h she really is, or how horribly he embarrasses you in public. I think the lack of real life experiences, the "what if's", the idealizing of the person/relationship, in some cases the lack of opportunity to mourn and wail and openly grieve it, and the lack of social support all add up to take their toll.

[MorningCoffee]

I agree about the effect that secrecy has, and the lack of social reinforcement such as Circular describes.

 

And I think part of it, too, is that yes, the AP is gone, but not gone as if she had died. Gone from my life, but not from the world we both still inhabit (if that makes sense). Takes a real effort of will to convince myself that she is "dead to me" for all practical purposes. Some days I believe it better than others.

[UntoldStory]

And I think part of it, too, is that yes, the AP is gone, but not gone as if she had died. Gone from my life, but not from the world we both still inhabit (if that makes sense). Takes a real effort of will to convince myself that she is "dead to me" for all practical purposes. Some days I believe it better than others.

This,

 

I think especially the fact that you never had a chance for a RL relationship, so you didn't ge to learn what a b*t@h she really is, or how horribly he embarrasses you in public.

this,

 

Yea, the secrecy thing plays a big part. Typically your ex will be socialized with your friends. So when you say "Hey man, I broke up with X" and they say "Dude, WTF took you so long" you have instant validation to reinforce your choice. Of course you can always have the idiot friend who says "Wow, you're never going to find a woman that good again."

and this. Yes. This is why it is so f'ing hard.

[desertIslandCactus]

Murder is a sure way to make sure it's dead.

 

Listen to you ...

[secretlady76]

Normally the A stops because an external factor forces it to, for example d-day, or guilt or circumstance, rather than it stopping because one or both of you got fed up of eachother. And, as some people here have already noted; because it doesn't develop like a 'normal' relationship; i.e you don't discover the APs bad points because you don't really spend enough time together to reveal them and real life elements don't come into play such as bills, mortgages, kids, not putting the toilet seat down even; in a way you're living a pretend life with them....very strange..

[delirious]

Because when you break up it is not usually because you have fallen out of love with them, it is because of some external cause. And you have never gotten to experience that love to its full capacity unconditionally so it stays new, mostly in the IN LOVE stage and never quite gets to the next.

[jthorne]

Murder is a sure way to make sure it's dead.

Kind of what I was thinking. It will die if you want it to.

 

And there's one sure way of making a change: tell his wife she's living a lie.

[2sure]

Ugh. I miss my husband so much. He is the first thing I think of and the last everyday. Plus I dream about him. My heart is broken. I loved and adored him. I'm the one who left.

 

I had to. I had to protect myself from him and his cheating. So, I'm angry a lot of the time and just as much of the time I am heartsick.

 

But I know from past experience and sense that only time and distance can mend a broken heart and stop my missing him.

 

Still, for a long time before and at the beginning of the divorce it was SO hard for me to speak to him or see him and not fold. He desperately wanted me to stay and ....I'm weak.

 

The No Contact was nearly impossible when I was still thrilling when he would call me and was still reaching for the phone to call him at night. We were still in love, but it was not a healthy thing for me. Because he was the one that cheated, because I was a good wife...he wanted me back, I knew he would always leave that door open.

 

I had to shut it and lock it. No Contact was only possible if I burned the bridge completely. During the divorce, I fought dirty and in the end he hates me.

 

He is no longer an option no matter what.

I had to do it like that.

[secretlady76]

Kind of what I was thinking. It will die if you want it to.

 

And there's one sure way of making a change: tell his wife she's living a lie.

 

Yes, I think the only way to stop it is to not give it any fuel. NO CONTACT! I just say to myself that MM has fallen off the planet, he doesn't exist and then I get on with my life. It's quite easy because I don't see him anymore and it's pretty easy to avoid him these days. He doesn't contact me (never did much anyway) and I don't think he couldn't care any less to be honest so I haven't got to worry about that bit. I did bump into him not so long ago and all that did was to reinforce why I need to stay NC. He's pretty much a stranger these days.

[TigerCub]

Ugh. I miss my husband so much. He is the first thing I think of and the last everyday. Plus I dream about him. My heart is broken. I loved and adored him. I'm the one who left.

 

I so understand all those things. I'm going through them, and it was a MM!

The pain is still real though. The love was real.

I'm sorry that you had to go through that as well

 

 

Still, for a long time before and at the beginning of the divorce it was SO hard for me to speak to him or see him and not fold. He desperately wanted me to stay and ....I'm weak.

I don't think you're weak AT ALL!

I think it took so much strength for you to leave him despite the fact that you love him so much and that you missed him terribly.

You're anything but weak.

 

The No Contact was nearly impossible when I was still thrilling when he would call me and was still reaching for the phone to call him at night. We were still in love, but it was not a healthy thing for me. Because he was the one that cheated, because I was a good wife...he wanted me back, I knew he would always leave that door open.

 

I had to shut it and lock it. No Contact was only possible if I burned the bridge completely. During the divorce, I fought dirty and in the end he hates me.

 

He is no longer an option no matter what.

I had to do it like that.

I think knowing that he wanted you back, and knowing that you still had love for him, yet you still went ahead and did what you had to do because you KNEW it is what you need to do for you. I think that takes so much strength, and it must have been really hard.

 

Sucks that love turn to hate after certain circumstances, but you did what you needed to do.

 

I think you're a very strong person

[joey66]

If I could answer that question, I would be on Oprah, instead of posting on LS for free!

 

You've popped into my mind several times the past couple of weeks. I've wondered how you were doing. I'm sorry things aren't better for you.

 

If I may ask, what happened?

 

Hi Fields. Thanks for thinking of me.

 

Things are fine. I haven't seen or spoken to MW in a while. And that was just a casual hello. We haven't "talked" in many months.

 

I actually had someone else's situation in mind when I started this thread. Whatever the reason, and there have been a lot of good possibilities suggested, the fact is that As seem to linger forever.

[pureinheart]

EMRs are so hard to kill. It's easy to get into an A and near impossible to make it end. Even when you think it's over it comes right back and bites you in the butt. Months of NC can be ruined by one accidental meeting.

 

Why is that? Why won't it die?

 

Hi Joey, this can be true for any R...Joey, your feelings for her were real, this was not some fly by night R that can be forgotten just like that. Seeing her renewed most of what you felt.

 

Especially guys do not just say I am done and I don't feel anything, even if you meet another (forgive me if you have and I have not seen it on LS) and you run into her, you will still have feelings! You are real Joey and not superficial...I've always enjoyed listening to what you have to say.

 

After being in a NC state for so long a few years ago, the first time he called I was mush. I hesitated concerning calling him back, and the only reason I did is because he arranged for a mutual friend to call me and "let me know" he was well on his way to becoming single.

 

Love is love period.

 

I am happy to say that my exfiance is just about out of my heart, I have lost that "longing" desire and don't want anything to do with him. I he were to call me now I would be uneffected. That is EXTREME progress for me as this was a very abusive man...he was generous in other ways and we had a lot of fun...BUT he was abusive.

 

For real Joey, I am still working out a R from 1997 because I idolised him...he used to stare at really skinny women, so I felt I needed to be skinny (I had put on a bit of weight at that time)...so I did some things to loose weight and got way too skinny, people began to comment.

 

Joey, I know this the above paragraph has nothing to do with much of anything, and I don't know why I said this...but it did help me.

 

((((((((((hugs)))))))))) The worst is over, and the best is yet to come!

[Just a stone's throw]

Hey Joey66,

Nice post. I'd have to say it's like you'll always remember your first.... I had never been or even thought about being unfaithful in my M until he came along. Then a R, however dysfunctional, developed. It's very hard to forget that he was the one you "gave it up to". But time and distance can cure all if we let it.

 

NC is the way to go, in my book.

 

JAST

[ladydesigner]

Hey Joey66,

Nice post. I'd have to say it's like you'll always remember your first.... I had never been or even thought about being unfaithful in my M until he came along. Then a R, however dysfunctional, developed. It's very hard to forget that he was the one you "gave it up to". But time and distance can cure all if we let it.

 

NC is the way to go, in my book.

 

JAST

 

Great post JAST. While I do not feel those rollercoaster emotions after the ending of an EMR I do still think about him every now and then and I say exactly what Circular said WTF? Why am I still giving him my thoughts. I wonder if it will ever go away completely, I am not sure it will. I don't even look back at my first love the way I do with this. My XAP was not the nicest to me after ending with me, he made me feel really insecure, something I have had to work on rebuilding for a long time now.