Lethe Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Hi, I'm new here. This is a bit long, but I promise it's at least somewhat interesting:p I dated a girl briefly during the early part of last year. I'd be dishonest if I said we were ever “official,” but it was certainly more involved than your average friends-with-benefits relationship, and was certainly headed in a serious direction. She was, at least on paper and in ideal conditions, THE girl for me in nearly every category. Our conversations were fluid, our senses of humor equally irreverent and morbid, we had many mutual interests, and it certainly seemed like the chemistry was there. After a few months, I began to hear from her less, occasionally receiving positive spikes in attention and time spent together. However, it was ultimately a downward curve. It's something I should have expected. She had gotten out of a long relationship just 3 months prior to starting to see me, was involved in some extremely heavy and difficult schoolwork, and by all accounts from other people speaking in retrospect, was a complete mess who neglected nearly all her personal relationships during that time. Naturally, after we had completely stopped seeing each other, we tried to keep each other around as friends. I naturally became resentful, and although this stopped me from trying to pursue her, it did not stop me from being attracted to her. Les than 2 months later, she began dating one of my friends. This obviously did not sit well with me, as she had insisted that she was my friend, yet did not reveal any of her involvement with him until they were fairly well established. For the sake of keeping the peace in our social circle, beyond a few initial hostile conversations with both of them, I maintained my silence and tried to get over it. In the 11 months or so that they dated, I essentially accepted that they were a long-term couple and that I had missed the boat. I did not neglect to date others, to “fool around,” and what have you, although I never did find another person during the past 18 months that I would consider “relationship material.” However, that gnawing feeling in the back of my head, the idea that I needed to be with her for whatever reason, never went away. This is the first time in my life that such a feeling about a past relationship persisted for so long. Well, back in June, my friend and this girl broke up, and because of his initial lack of consideration for what I would think about his dating a girl that had toyed with me, I don't feel any obligation to “stay away” from her. She has been friendly to me, may have even been mildly flirtatious at times, but due to her having graduated and me moving about an hour south, we do not have much opportunity for socializing with each other. I've been hesitating to make a move for a few obvious reasons: I initially didn't want to make a move because I certainly did not want to be a rebound. I worried about the potential social consequences making a move would have. I have a sneaking suspicion that the way to make this work does not involve any overt attempts to ask her out but that the interest and familiarity needs to first be rebuilt from the ground up. She plans on attending grad school and is likely to move much farther away than the 60 miles that currently separates us in less about 10 months' time. I'm not in a situation where I'd be realistically be able to relocate. So here are my questions. Is there any good that could come of pursuing this? If so, how should I go about it? Anyone else ever been in a similar situation? The reason this whole thing concerns me so much is because I value myself for being a rational person. For whatever reason, this curiosity refuses to go away despite the fact that I can see why there many reasons to think it's a bad idea. For whatever reason, on an instinctual level, it feels like something I have to do. I haven't acted on it yet, and I thought I would ask a few complete strangers about whether its even a remotely good idea and the best way to find out for myself, keeping in mind the environmental constraints. Feel free to ask for any other information you think might help. Thanks!
TheBigQuestion Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Hmm, I can't say I've ever been in a situation where that happened and I actually still was interested in the girl to any degree afterwards.
JungleLover Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 What are you expecting from her? What do you want from her? Here is a person who dated you then your friend and now you want her to get back with you and she may be moving farther from you in less than a year. Generally, my point if view is women who dated my friends are off limits to me. Additionally, what kind of person bounces back and forth between friends? It's just something to think about.
Author Lethe Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 What are you expecting from her? What do you want from her? Here is a person who dated you then your friend and now you want her to get back with you and she may be moving farther from you in less than a year. Generally, my point if view is women who dated my friends are off limits to me. Additionally, what kind of person bounces back and forth between friends? It's just something to think about. That's generally my point of view too. However, I probably should say that for this reason and others, the guy in question is not really what I could call a "friend" anymore to me or our mutual friends. Therefore, I don't particularly feel the same obligation to remain distant from the girl. This is because he did not give me the same courtesy back in the day. I guess I just want to see if there is any opportunity for a real relationship. I am definitely aware that there are many downsides to it. One thing that plays into it is that there have been very few women in my life that have had any sort of profound effect on me. She was one of them. A perceived scarcity factor could be in play here.
JungleLover Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I guess I just want to see if there is any opportunity for a real relationship. I am definitely aware that there are many downsides to it. One thing that plays into it is that there have been very few women in my life that have had any sort of profound effect on me. She was one of them. A perceived scarcity factor could be in play here. I knew you would say that he really wasn't your friend to escape that roadblock. I would be concerned about what effects she would have on you considering she is a person who would jump back and forth between friends. Lets not forget that she will be moving soon. It sounds like your mind is made up and you just looking for a few thumbs up to just go ahead and do it. Go ahead and do it just to satisfy your urge although I don't think much good will come of it besides that.
Author Lethe Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 No, no. You misunderstand. I'm not particularly headstrong about actually going through with this. If I was, it would've happened a while ago and I would not be on this board. I've had 4 months, after all. I was using the term "friend" in the past tense, as I don't really think you can count someone who I've spoken to maybe 5 times this year is actually a friend. That and other issues between us have kind of made him a persona non grata. His tendency to hook up with people's sisters, people's ex's, etc, has contributed to that without a doubt. Honestly, I'm here because I'm trying to sort out what's going on in my head before I decide on whether or not to do anything, and I would encounter way too much hostility to entertain these hypotheticals with my real-life friends. I do appreciate the commentary though, and I think this is going in the right direction.
JungleLover Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I think there is enough going on here and in the past not to do it. Not to mention that you eventually became her friend then she dated one of your "associates." What I am seeing is that she lost interest in you, you got transported to the friendzone, you then got frustrated because you were trapped there then she dated your ex friend or whatever. Now she may move away in 10 months and you still feel instincts propelling you foward to do something. Go for it but I wouldn't expect anything outside of having an itch scratched.
Author Lethe Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 I think there is enough going on here and in the past not to do it. Not to mention that you eventually became her friend then she dated one of your "associates." What I am seeing is that she lost interest in you, you got transported to the friendzone, you then got frustrated because you were trapped there then she dated your ex friend or whatever. Now she may move away in 10 months and you still feel instincts propelling you foward to do something. Go for it but I wouldn't expect anything outside of having an itch scratched. Good thoughts. I obviously haven't made any decisions yet. *I "friend-zoned" her, actually.
clueless24 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 To be honest, I was lonely and needed attention and signed up for match.com. I didn't know what I wanted. I was a midwest girl at heart and wanted to stay in the midwest for residency and was looking for company. I was in a long term relationship for 7.5 years from 18-26 years. Then at 27 I subsequently became involved with a classmate of 3 years in a casual friends with benifits type of thing and I couldn't accept that was the only possibility. I wanted a relationship because that's all I really knew how to do. Long story short, I never dated before this and I went into the dating scene with the giddy 18 year old attitude with a guy i met on match. com. At the same time, I was debating about my career choices. Med school has put me behind the dating scene and I was unable to cope with my previous breakups and never really grew emotionally; because I didn't have the time. I sabotaged the relationship because I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I was pulling myself in two directions, career wise I didn’t know what to do and where I wanted to go and relationship wise, I wanted something stable. I was short sighted and lacked the experience to control my excitement and emotions and jumped into things too fast and expected too much. I behaved and reacted inappropriately. Then I became that insecure girl, perhaps that dumb girl, that no guy never wanted to date. I ****ed up and didn’t know how to deal with it at the time. To answer your questions...she's moving away in 10 months...she's confused as to what she wants and probably is in her worst state of mind about he dating scene. She's probably an awesome person but not a long term potential right now until she's settled somewhere. I know because I am that girl. If you can reconnect with her and keep it on the friends with benefits level on both of your behalf then go ahead and reconnect. If you feel like you will attach, remove yourself to save you and her the time and pain of going through tough times again.
Author Lethe Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Clueless, thanks a lot for your insightful and heartfelt contribution. This girl's M.O. as far as dating goes has been "I'm going to be out of here soon so I don't know what to do" for at least the past two years. It's one of the many excuses she initially gave me. I'm pretty sure she had even used the phrase "being pulled in many different directions" with me as well. Granted, that didn't stop her from dating another guy for almost a year, but I guarantee the fact that she's leaving played a role in their breakup as well. It doesn't help that there really aren't too many graduate programs in her field of interest (veterinary), and the hardest ones to get into are the closest ones to where I live. All in all, this is just a very crappy situation and I'd be lying if I said it didn't upset and irritate me considerably. This just HAD to be the one person in my life with whom I connected more strongly than anyone else. The worst part is, there isn't really much I can do. If I do somehow "go for it," I run the risk of alienating my social circle (not all of them are exactly crazy about her behavior towards me back in the day, as I said) and the risk of failure. If I succeed, what you're saying is that I'm basically in for a roller coaster ride and a long-distance relationship at best. One thing you said that really resonated with me was the impact that your work and school situation had on your dating life. She is a person in an extremely high stress and busy field with a remarkably low tolerance for stress, and this basically wrecked a lot of her friendships for a good year. Despite my previous infatuation with her, I also recognize that she has these shortcomings, even if a lot of it is caused by her inability to cope with being busy and effectively compartmentalize her life. I am far more emotionally detached from her now than I was 18 months ago, but I really don't think I'd be able to handle an FWB relationship with her.
clueless24 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Lethe, I am glad I could share some insight. It's good that you recognize you can't be involved in a FWB situation with her. It's not easy as people make it out to be. I wish many many times I had remained lonely rather than be involved in FWB or signing up for match.com. I learned the hard way and tortured myself for my mistakes. I became obsessive about what I did wrong, because I wasn't raised that way, because that's not who I am. It's up to you whether you want to deal with the pain now, or the pain later. Neither is pleasant, but you decide what's more damaging to you. Ultimately, you have to act in your best interest and seek your benefits. I used to be that people pleaser and thought I could change people. At some point in your life, STOP PLEASING PEOPLE THAT WONT PLEASE YOU. You friends perhaps at times knows what's best for you; but do understand that just because a person messes at a point in time doesn't mean they can't learn and improve and become a better person later. You'll be amazed at how some of the most successful people are the most insecure. We pursue education and neglect relationships. We can't give attention but seek the most attention. We think we got our **** together and the world revolves around us but we **** up. she's probably in the exploratory phase of her life. Maybe perhaps remain friends and leave it up to chances, to life, to happiness if it does happen. I don't know how old you are, but perhaps you are still young. Go on dates, have fun, meet people. Don't do anything to anybody you wouldn't want to endure yourself but do take chances. Be spontaneous. Realize the consequences but don't concern yourself with judgments. But then don't judge either =). Hopefully that helps, I am pursuing psychiatry as a career, a change since **** fell apart in my life. Feel free to express yourself. take care.
Recommended Posts