Same here, contact dwindling, but she says everything is fine.

[Guitarjeff]

I just read a post by Lovebug about her SO attempting less and less contact, yet saying nothing is wrong. It was by a woman, but I am a guy who is in the same boat with my girlfriend, so I guess it matters not what sex you are, it can happen to anyone.

 

My SO and I were in a real fairytale love for the first four months, things kind of slacked off since then, she rarely ever text me, even when I know she makes time to text others. She tells me she loves me, but these days it just feels like words, no actions like most everyone has when they are in love. She says she misses my voice, yet has the power to call me any time, knowing I love for her to call, and yet she CHOOSES not to. I don't really mind because I am just getting tired of hearing her say she misses my voice when she can do something about it and wont.

 

I constantly write this woman love songs and love poems, I am a worrier too and she told me she was when we first met. Check out my site at soundclick and look at all the songs, I have pictures of her with the songs.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=86023&content=music

 

I have dozens of love poems I write for her, like this one:

 

My darling, as you lay sleeping my thoughts caress your essence, they hover over you and rain rose petals down on your soft hair. Your breathing such a sweet whisper, your breath the fragrance of heaven, your touch the embodiment of love. Here's a poem for my beloved.

 

If you were the sun I would take in your rays

and listen for the flowers to sing in May

I would forget my days and dream you to come

I would lay down by the meadow in oblivion

In the water a naughty child slip-slides away

Not far behind her home, she showed me the way

where her mischievous time begins to run

her destiny she knew had just become,

She strode away and suffered on her own

In thoughtful adoration She's not alone

In her eyes I beheld a tear she had cried.

with the Kings Mountain there just standing by,

She hid with me in a lovely place.

I once again beheld her harmonious grace

 

The point is, I am a romantic, and she told me she was as well, and she was madly in love, sending me deep, incredibly loving emails and messages. The last few months that has tailed off considerably on her part, while I have remained the same, I have changed nothing about my love or the intense way I naturally show it. I am feeling more empty by the month, and we also haven't made any realistic plans or set any goals for our future because she says her and I started at a different place, she just out of heartbreak and a marriage breakup. Problem is, she never told me this stuff during the first few months of incredibly intense love, only after she began pulling back.

 

She swears nothing is wrong, but just tries to tell me she needs to build her foundation back, and it's been 9 months now and her foundation looks just fine to me. The point is, I would have never been in this intense state had she not came here with me to start with. I have been waiting for months now, trying to allow her space to understand what she wants, but isn't it fair at some point for me to say, "time has come for me to deserve to know what our future is?

 

I have told her that just because I want to know if we are headed for marriage and a life-long love doesn't mean I am trying to force her to get married right away, I may even want to wait longer than her. In other words, I don't mind being in a holding pattern as long as I know what airport I am going to, that's all.

 

I myself may want to wait another year or two, maybe even three, I just want to be able to enjoy thoughts of a life together forever, be able to talk about our love and plans enthusiastically, look forward with excitement at our goals and direction. I feel like our love is in limbo, and I have been waiting patiently, and in 3 months it will be a year since we have been together. I feel like that when that one years mark comes, I will have every right to then tell her that I want some answers about our future and how we intend to have that go and how we are going to get there. Like I said, I don't mind waiting, but at some point the limbo existence has to end, doesn't it?

 

So I have seen many such posts on here and by both female and male feeling the same. I haven't changed a single bit in how I have expressed my love since we fell in love, but she has. I am trying to be understanding. We have seen each other 3 times in person, twice in England, once here in the states, and we have spent probably 15 days and nights together. I have met most all her family, I like them, they like me. Her 17 year old son likes me fine.

 

Why do people have to change when others don't? Why doesn't she stay the same as many of the females here do? All I want is to be in love and feel it and act on it, that's it. It causes me pain to live in limbo like this, but I have been waiting it out because I love her and if we are truly soul mates then nothing will keep us apart, but there must be a time when I deserve some answers and some forward looking ideas about what we are to do in the future, isn't 1 year a reasonable amount of time to expect some answers and plans about the future?

 

I may show her your responses, including those who don't agree with me to be fair, so I hope I get a few. Am I simply too intense and expressive with my love?

 

Thanks

[folieadeux]

Hi Jeff, I play guitar too, but I digress.

 

In all seriousness, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your approach, per se. You’re doing what’s natural for you in a relationship. The problem lies in the fact that your SO seems to have changed her feelings, or is possibly having second thoughts, about the situation she’s in with you right now. If it’s not working for one person, that’s all it takes for there to be a problem. I personally don’t think it unreasonable for knowing where you stand with someone after being together a year (long distance or not). My only suggestion would be to try to talk to her about your feelings because it’s not fair to you for your needs not to be met.

 

The huge red flag that I see here is the fact that she says she misses you, yet seems to avoid contacting you. This just doesn’t make any sense to me, but I suppose it is possible that some people just need more or less communication than others. Either way, I think talking to her and, depending on how that discussion pans out, maybe setting some time aside for a visit would definitely help. The distance may be just getting to her, and this is her way of coping.

 

Best of luck!

[Guitarjeff]

We do talk, every day, on skype when she goes to bed usually for an hour or so, and for around an hour and a half when she wakes up. but, we used to talk 3 hours when she woke up, and several times during the days, and the kind of talk has changed, like when I want to just talk about our love, I feel she wants to change the subject Our conversations are much more small talk now and far less about our love. So she does contact me, but it's always her deciding when to call and what time to call.

 

I don't want to come off as if she doesn't talk because we are putting in an average of 2.5 to 3 hours per day on skype. It's just that it's now 80 percent small talk, 7 percent sex talk, and 3 percent talk about our love and how love each other. The first few months it was about 50 percent love talk, how we felt about each other, how we needed each other, 15 percent sex talk, and about 35 percent small talk. Basically, our deep love talks have pretty much fallen off the edge of the table.

 

Again, I don't even mind the drop off as long as we are clear about where we are headed. Three more months and it will be a year, and then I believe it will be time for me to ask for some better clarity about where we are headed and to have some kind of realistic plans and a time table, not even a strict one, just something in general. I think I will be able to say at that time that I am being reasonable and have been patient and I am being fair in feeling like I deserve some answers.

 

I love this woman, and I know she does love me in a deep way, but it's not like it used to be and I have never changed a bit. When she told me she was feeling the same, she said that was such a strength about our relationship--that we both were on the same level. I am just wearly of living in limbo, and I feel i deserve better and I deserve to have some answers about the future, or I need to be set free to find the real love of my life.

[Guitarjeff]

And another guitar player here? That's great. How long have you been playing? Did you have a listen to my playing? I love playing and doing it for a living, though a meager living it is.

 

Hi Jeff, I play guitar too, but I digress.

 

In all seriousness, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your approach, per se. You’re doing what’s natural for you in a relationship. The problem lies in the fact that your SO seems to have changed her feelings, or is possibly having second thoughts, about the situation she’s in with you right now. If it’s not working for one person, that’s all it takes for there to be a problem. I personally don’t think it unreasonable for knowing where you stand with someone after being together a year (long distance or not). My only suggestion would be to try to talk to her about your feelings because it’s not fair to you for your needs not to be met.

 

The huge red flag that I see here is the fact that she says she misses you, yet seems to avoid contacting you. This just doesn’t make any sense to me, but I suppose it is possible that some people just need more or less communication than others. Either way, I think talking to her and, depending on how that discussion pans out, maybe setting some time aside for a visit would definitely help. The distance may be just getting to her, and this is her way of coping.

 

Best of luck!

[Guitarjeff]

ha ha, you are probably right. I just wrote and recorded her a song yesterday after I made this original post. She hasn't heard it yet.

 

All yesterday, written and recorded in probably 5 hours. The whole thing was recorded while sitting on my bed. Amp was on the bed with mic proped up in front on the blanket. Microphone was mounted on small desktop mic stand and I was laying down on the bed as I sang. Now all I need is a fridge and a toilet in my bedroom and I would probably never come out of here, lol.

 

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=9760235

 

 

 

 

You swept her off her feet, which was new and exciting. Now she's used to it and taking you for granted. It's time to stop spoiling her so much...or find a woman who enjoys that romance more than this one.

[folieadeux]

You swept her off her feet, which was new and exciting. Now she's used to it and taking you for granted. It's time to stop spoiling her so much...or find a woman who enjoys that romance more than this one.

 

Unfortunately, I'm getting a similar vibe here.

[folieadeux]

And another guitar player here? That's great. How long have you been playing? Did you have a listen to my playing? I love playing and doing it for a living, though a meager living it is.

 

I've checked out your stuff...you are very talented and your professionalism shines through for sure. I've been playing for the better part of ten years now, but only as a hobby. It's never a meager living when you're doing what you love everyday.

[Guitarjeff]

I've checked out your stuff...you are very talented and your professionalism shines through for sure. I've been playing for the better part of ten years now, but only as a hobby. It's never a meager living when you're doing what you love everyday.

 

 

See what you think of this one

 

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=9783689

[folieadeux]

See what you think of this one

 

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=9783689

 

Sounds great! What kind of acoustic are you using?

 

How are things with you and your SO?

[habs53]

Same problem here. She told me everything is fine but she is very busy. Basically dont hear from her at all anymore. Something has definitely changed and i asked her tonight to tell me what that was.

[Guitarjeff]

Sounds great! What kind of acoustic are you using?

 

How are things with you and your SO?

 

 

Using an old Yamaha acoustic,

 

Things are well the last few days, we have been talking a lot and she has been expressing love better, but this has happened before, so it may go back to the way it was any time. We had a long talk over the last couple nights and she says she cant envision her life without me, only that she cant say if it's a lifetime love with marriage in the future. I explained to her that I dont mind the holding pattern, but at some point I am going to want and need to know what airport we are going to. I said that when that happens, if she can't answer me then, and we cant begin making realistic goals, that drifting in the breeze with an open-ended future will not be meeting my needs in the relationship, and that it would mean our paths would then head off in different directions, and that we werent meant to be together. This seemed to move her and she has been very close and loving the last two nights, but still hasn't come off her position. I explained to her that I would not be wrong for needing to know some direction at some point, and that she will have the option to say no.

 

I'll keep you updated, but yeah, I think I have spoiled her with love, poetry, songs written for her--enough for a CD, and I think she got used to it and stated taking me for granted. I'm going to give this a few more months, which will be over a year together, and then I am either going to know what airport we are going to, or I am dragging out the parachute and jumping out of the plane. I am not willing to keep flying on a plane that seems to be going nowhere. At that time I will know inside that I have waited a reasonable amount of time to deserve to have some answers. If i dont get them, I'll know she probably will never have them.

[Guitarjeff]

Same problem here. She told me everything is fine but she is very busy. Basically dont hear from her at all anymore. Something has definitely changed and i asked her tonight to tell me what that was.

 

 

Let us know what she said habs. People in our situations need very PRECISE communication, and you DESERVE t have your emotional needs met, or a relationship isn't worth it. Let me say that again, BOTH PEOPLE INVESTING IN A RELATIONSHIP DESERVE TO HAVE THEIR NEEDS FULFILLED, or something is wrong. if there not being fulfilled, then you wait and sacrifice for a reasonable amount of time to give the relationship a chance to be fulfilling to both, and once you get to a point where it is causing you to be more unhappy in it than happy, it's then time for your paths to diverge and go in another direction.

[folieadeux]

Using an old Yamaha acoustic,

 

Things are well the last few days, we have been talking a lot and she has been expressing love better, but this has happened before, so it may go back to the way it was any time. We had a long talk over the last couple nights and she says she cant envision her life without me, only that she cant say if it's a lifetime love with marriage in the future. I explained to her that I dont mind the holding pattern, but at some point I am going to want and need to know what airport we are going to. I said that when that happens, if she can't answer me then, and we cant begin making realistic goals, that drifting in the breeze with an open-ended future will not be meeting my needs in the relationship, and that it would mean our paths would then head off in different directions, and that we werent meant to be together. This seemed to move her and she has been very close and loving the last two nights, but still hasn't come off her position. I explained to her that I would not be wrong for needing to know some direction at some point, and that she will have the option to say no.

 

I'll keep you updated, but yeah, I think I have spoiled her with love, poetry, songs written for her--enough for a CD, and I think she got used to it and stated taking me for granted. I'm going to give this a few more months, which will be over a year together, and then I am either going to know what airport we are going to, or I am dragging out the parachute and jumping out of the plane. I am not willing to keep flying on a plane that seems to be going nowhere. At that time I will know inside that I have waited a reasonable amount of time to deserve to have some answers. If i dont get them, I'll know she probably will never have them.

 

I think the conversation you had was exactly what you needed to do. Communicating your honest feelings without extending any pressure on her. You've more than set a reasonable time frame for things. She'll either be on board or she won't. It's nothing that anyone can force or change. Life is too short to be in unfulfilling relationships. I'm hoping she comes around, but until then, enjoy the time you get to spend together. Her coming around more lately definitely seems to be a good sign.

[Guitarjeff]

Just got off skype with her, and she has been so loving and deep for days now. Maybe she's turning the corner, realizing how much we mean to eacdh other. She is my wonderful flower, and I can't imagine ever wanting someone else when I lived all these years and was never able to share what I share with her. I hope very much that it works out between us, I have lived a bit of a wild life because I have been a musician since I was 16, playing in bands and such, so I lived a a little more than usual, you might say, but that lifestyle always made me unhappy inside, and I have always had a shade of darkness in my soul, yet when I met my beautiful woman, our minds were like long lost souls that were once as one. She was wonderful tonight, and moved my soul to it's depths.

[folieadeux]

Just got off skype with her, and she has been so loving and deep for days now. Maybe she's turning the corner, realizing how much we mean to eacdh other. She is my wonderful flower, and I can't imagine ever wanting someone else when I lived all these years and was never able to share what I share with her. I hope very much that it works out between us, I have lived a bit of a wild life because I have been a musician since I was 16, playing in bands and such, so I lived a a little more than usual, you might say, but that lifestyle always made me unhappy inside, and I have always had a shade of darkness in my soul, yet when I met my beautiful woman, our minds were like long lost souls that were once as one. She was wonderful tonight, and moved my soul to it's depths.

 

So glad things are looking up for you! I can relate to the musician factor. It's an awesome life, but not always the most conducive to settling down when you're gigging.

[Guitarjeff]

So true. What kind of acoustic do you have? Have you performed anywhere with your guitar?

[folieadeux]

So true. What kind of acoustic do you have? Have you performed anywhere with your guitar?

 

I've been "retired" from playing for a number of years now. My SO does currently. I used to have an Ibanez acoustic and now work with a Fender Strat just for playing around at my leisure.

[atypicalG]

Hey everyone!

 

I'm new here, and this post seemed an apt place to introduce myself / make a first post. I'm a 1st year PhD student, and met my SO near the end of my senior year. Our summer was great but now I'm away for grad school, so we've been in an LDR for a few months now. It's working so far, but it's really hard - or at least I think so. She's been in an LDR before, and so has more 'experience' in the area, but it's new to me. It'll be 4 weeks until I see her again, and that just seems like an eternity to me.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to comment on Guitarjeff's post because it seems to describe almost exactly how I feel. I haven't written songs or poems, but everything else seems to be exactly the same for my situation. I feel like I'm the 'needy' one, and that I don't really feel 'needed' in any way. Not that there needs to be an overwhelming display, but I like having reassurance via the 'little things', like a text, email, or a facebook 'poke'. She is wary of more serious commitments beyond bf/gf in general, and doesn't like the idea of the institution of marriage. I think I can deal with all that, but only as long as I was still getting some sort of reassurance about our commitment to each other - I guess I tend to be needy/insecure, and while I'm working hard to improve, I just get stressed from school/work.

 

We have no problems now - we both love each other and promise we don't want to find anyone else. And we're willing to compromise on certain things to make the LDR work out. But, having the reassurance that Jeff describes below I think is what I want, but I don't know how to get it (not that I'm sure we're quite at that stage yet in our relationship, but if knew that it could someday be a possibility...); I want to know our goals and direction, I guess, but I don't think she's ready to talk about it. Sigh.

 

Anyway, just figured I'd make myself known on here and chip in to posts.

 

 

I myself may want to wait another year or two, maybe even three, I just want to be able to enjoy thoughts of a life together forever, be able to talk about our love and plans enthusiastically, look forward with excitement at our goals and direction.

[aisle_seat]

I hope things work out for you and her, GJeff. I've been with my SO for about 16 months and we've seen each other 3 separate times for about same total time as you and your girl (we're in the states on opposite coasts). Each successive time was more intense than the last and completely validated how we feel about each other as we talk about when we're apart. About 2 months ago she started a new job that has her extremely busy during the day. I work, too but always have time to send her several emails during the day, but often she cannot reply to them. I have no doubts about her feelings towards me at all, but it's been tough to not hear from her during the day as often as I used to. She's also a single mom (two kids, 9&10) so her evenings are very busy, too. I completely understand and do not at all resent her increased lack of availability...I know it's not her choice. She used to write me long emails about how she feels about me but just doesn't have the time recently. We do talk almost every night and on weekend evenings late into the night and she does tell me how she feels on the phone; she is quite loving. And she does apologize for not writing as much...I tell her not to worry, I'm not going anywhere Because she is so busy, and because I know where her head is at, I feel it's my responsibility to step up to the plate and do what I can to make her feel secure. In other words, I can't respond to her diminished communication with less myself. I'm able to do that because I trust that my feelings are returned.

 

I responded to your post because in some ways I can identify with you and your situation. From what you've said I think you're doing everything right; I'm a firm believer that, when in an LDR, you've got to go above and beyond what you might otherwise need to do to share your feelings because you just can't maintain that emotional closeness otherwise. She sounds as though she's in an uncertain place and that's making it somewhat difficult for her to express herself to you. Glad to hear that may be improving though you have a right to know where she's at mentally with your relationship. Best to you.