Daisy_May Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Just needed a place to get this off of my chest for a moment, haven't really talked to anyone about this yet. MM is moving out tomorrow into his own apartment.... and I'm a nervous wreck. Im not moving in with him but do plan on continuing this "relationship", I just think moving in would be too much to soon right away. I did tell him it was me or the W a month and half ago and if he wanted to be with me than he would do this but he did tell me that he's been miserable for the past 4 years but why wait this long to leave? He said its because that he doesn't like to be alone which than makes me think its just an exit affair and than I guess I just scared that maybe in a month down the road, he'll regret this and go back to her, even thought W told him he would not be allowed back in once he moved and that she would change the locks on him. I didn't want him to feel rushed or pressured but my heart can only take so much so which is why I told him it was either me or her but I dont want that to backfire on me when all of a sudden he thinks that it was too soon to do this. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and hasn't ever had this "connection" with anyone but me, the usual stuff I guess I am just doubting everything will work out...I'm hoping but I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time.
jennie-jennie Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 There are no guarantees with love. But it sounds like your MM is off to a good start. Do take one day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time as they say, and I hope everything will turn out well in the end. There might be setbacks, but trust the bond you two have and hopefully you will get through this.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 i don't get it...you got your victory over the wife, and you are a nervous wreck?
Barby Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I have been a member here for a very long time...mainly a loveshack "lurker" but I had to comment on this one...seeing all these "OW" stories, very rarely does it seem that they work out....(not to be a downer) it could be because they are so busy and happy with the outcome and creating their new lives with their "MM" that they don't have time to update...or....well whatever the reason is I sincerely hope you will keep us posted and I wish you the best. IMHO I don't believe "EVERY" MM/OW situation is the same...so...with that being said...I'll be keeping an eye out for future updates... Good luck, hopefully all stays well.
Sexiness Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Just needed a place to get this off of my chest for a moment, haven't really talked to anyone about this yet. MM is moving out tomorrow into his own apartment.... and I'm a nervous wreck. Im not moving in with him but do plan on continuing this "relationship", I just think moving in would be too much to soon right away. I did tell him it was me or the W a month and half ago and if he wanted to be with me than he would do this but he did tell me that he's been miserable for the past 4 years but why wait this long to leave? He said its because that he doesn't like to be alone which than makes me think its just an exit affair and than I guess I just scared that maybe in a month down the road, he'll regret this and go back to her, even thought W told him he would not be allowed back in once he moved and that she would change the locks on him. I didn't want him to feel rushed or pressured but my heart can only take so much so which is why I told him it was either me or her but I dont want that to backfire on me when all of a sudden he thinks that it was too soon to do this. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and hasn't ever had this "connection" with anyone but me, the usual stuff I guess I am just doubting everything will work out...I'm hoping but I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time. I think u should relax and enjoy the time with him.... It's nerve racking for him also and he just needs his own space to breathe and relax with u.... Help him relax and help him remember why he fell in love with u and just take it slow...... Plan something nice and SIMPLE to get things off his mind
Star_Bright Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I understand how you're feeling! I told ex MM not to contact me unless he moved out, and then he did move out, and I was like OMG what now. In our sitch it didn't end up working out because silly little me thought "moving out" meant "on his way towards a divorce" but really it meant "let me do the bare minimum for SB to keep me in her life and also not have to get divorced." BUT it is a step in your direction and that's big. I think it's really big. It's good that you're not living together. I'm sure he will be confused and torn and have a lot of emotions to deal with. IMO it was much much harder on our relationship after he moved out than before. That makes things real and shows everyone just how messed up and hard the situation really is. I do believe it is possible to get through it but it is very hard. Good luck to you, just do what makes you happy and try to live your own life (but I know that is hard when you're always wondering what he's going through and thinking etc.)
Author Daisy_May Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Thank you for all the best wishes! I'm deff going to take it one step at the time, I'm not trying to rush him into anything really quick and I just want him to be happy and take his time with the rest So I guess I'm excited nervous....
Grace2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Hugs. it's not easy when they move out. I agree with the PP, it definitely becomes more "real", and this can be good or bad (or good AND bad). Mine moved out a little over a month ago, then filed for D, and that same day we were outed (though we were not longer in an A). D-day has been good in that now everyone knows, and there's no need for us to hide or try to protect anyone...but bad in that we lost several friends, our BS's are both furious (though we were both separated when the A happened), and are hell-bent on keeping the two of us apart. It was easier flying under the radar...but if this is what we have to do to start healing our lives and move on, then we'll take whatever bullets may come. just take it day by day, don't angst too much over what may be around the corner. Each step towards being together permanently brings new hurdles...so when you hit a plateau, enjoy it!
KarmasTestDummy Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 You've got one extra thing many ow don't! You've got a strong pissed off BS that said "this is it". The flip flopping conflicted mm is usually a result of being pulled in both directions. Bs typically aren't always ready to let go either and beg them to come back or start falling to pieces and make him feel guilty for putting her through that. Nope not yours...she said don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. Here's where you need to be careful now. If she is that strong, she's gonna be doing some 'housecleaning'. Throwing his stuff away...buying some new clothes, maybe getting a new completely different hair cut or color. She might redecorate the family home, start going out and hanging out with friends more independently, or taking the kids on family holidays. He WILL notice the nuances and it will become alluring to him. He will start to see her as the woman he fell in love with in the first place, and he may be the one begging to return. So, the stronger and secure you are the less likely he is going to see you as clingy and insecure while she is showing off strength.
jwi71 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Excited nervous is a good thing imo. However, I must ask - why hasn't he filed for D yet? If you don't know ask him. Be careful and guard yourself until the D is final.
Confused4Now Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I understand how you're feeling! I told ex MM not to contact me unless he moved out, and then he did move out, and I was like OMG what now. In our sitch it didn't end up working out because silly little me thought "moving out" meant "on his way towards a divorce" but really it meant "let me do the bare minimum for SB to keep me in her life and also not have to get divorced." BUT it is a step in your direction and that's big. I think it's really big. Which is why people say let him come to you with finalized divorce papers in hand. A person who has done the work have taken all the steps from a legal point to end a marriage. Chances are he probably has done the emotional part as well. You have a better chance of succeeding if that is done rather than hand holding him through the whole entire process/divorce.
siuys Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Good luck, and yes, take it a day at a time because you will realise that the fun is just beginning. In my situation he moved out 3 months after we met and has been an emotional wreck ever since tho' getting better. We've had NC, broke NC, back to seeing each other and it's a hard 'relationship' to be in. At the end of the day, the divorce process is his to sort out, the experience his to figure out. Being there is not necessarily the best thing. I guess it depends on if you can get what you want right now from this R given the limitations because he will unlikely be there 100%. It's simply not realistic in most cases. Although many have the opinion of not seeing him until he has his D paper in hand, I am not 100% sure about that. It will make things clearer no doubt, and may be what you need further down the line. I try to focus on the R now, this week, next week and not on the ultimate goal i.e. his D because I have to try and gage if realistically this is the man I want to be with, and because he is separated, every week is enough of a challenge already. In my situation every week is a little different, and I realised we can not 'fix' anything, whether it be NC or whatever so we play it by ear. I also myself don't know how long I can be in such a R without going mad, so whether he gets a D any time soon is almost irrelevant as he will need to have separated for at least one year before any filing can be done. Anyway, sorry about the waffle. I wish you good luck. It's a new beginning for you, but the journey is a long and hard one. Be prepared and never lose yourself and never put too much focus on the R. It's important that you live your life fully. All the best.
Brokenlady Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 i don't get it...you got your victory over the wife, and you are a nervous wreck? Dex, it isn't about the wife. And it isn't about "victory." It's about wanting to be with the one you love and knowing your relationship isn't secure yet. Don't you get that? When the MM moves out, it feels like there's more to lose if he goes back to the W....because there is. You lose of real legitimate relationship instead of a phantom hidden one.
Author Daisy_May Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 Broken Lady you said exactly how i feel...I just couldnt describe it....
TurboGirl Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Yes thanks Broken Lady, I was just about to address Dexter. Its not about winning victory over the wife. Daisy May, relax & enjoy... suggest you keep your guard up until he's filed for D, which depending on where you live, can be NOW or maybe some time. Glad to hear that he is getting his own place, not planning on coming to stay with you! Smart move. Give him some time, it will be adjustment for him. If he's got the strength to get through 3-4 month, IMHO, you have a really great chance that things will work out as you are wishing. Understand about being nervous... you have crazy thoughts like could he change his mind, and will things work out, etc. Relax and let life happen, its all we can do, anyway.
nayeli_forever Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 (edited) i can empathize with your feelings to some extent. My MM is moving out in a couple of weeks and this will be a new start to our R too. But instead of feeling like a nervous wreck, i've chosen to be cautiously optimistic. Neither of us knows what the future holds: our MMs could decide they want to go back, we could decide our MMs aren't the guys for us or ???? Who knows? The best thing we can do is just continue to be who we are as individuals. I continue to live my life as I have been pre-MM -- with the exception of one thing, and that is not dating other people. Added info: Forgot one thing: He has not talked about D at this point and I'm okay with it (surprisingly). Everything in its time. I want him to be with me on his own accord not because he was pushed in a certain way (I learned that mistake from a previous LTR). Edited October 16, 2010 by nayeli_forever added info
Dexter Morgan Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Dex, it isn't about the wife. And it isn't about "victory." It's about wanting to be with the one you love and knowing your relationship isn't secure yet. Don't you get that? from day one when trying to get a MM to leave his wife, it IS about gaining victory over the wife. Its not the ONLY goal, but it is about beating the wife, even if its just a small part of the equation. And OW/OM on this site have admitted as such as well.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Yes thanks Broken Lady, I was just about to address Dexter. Its not about winning victory over the wife. its not solely about winning victory over the wife, but it is part of it, whether yall wanna admit it or not.
Spark1111 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 You've got one extra thing many ow don't! You've got a strong pissed off BS that said "this is it". The flip flopping conflicted mm is usually a result of being pulled in both directions. Bs typically aren't always ready to let go either and beg them to come back or start falling to pieces and make him feel guilty for putting her through that. Nope not yours...she said don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. Here's where you need to be careful now. If she is that strong, she's gonna be doing some 'housecleaning'. Throwing his stuff away...buying some new clothes, maybe getting a new completely different hair cut or color. She might redecorate the family home, start going out and hanging out with friends more independently, or taking the kids on family holidays. He WILL notice the nuances and it will become alluring to him. He will start to see her as the woman he fell in love with in the first place, and he may be the one begging to return. So, the stronger and secure you are the less likely he is going to see you as clingy and insecure while she is showing off strength. Wow KTD, some really interesting insight here and some very good advice, too! You are describing my sitch to a tee, and I was a fBS. None of my behavior was in any way designed to win back my fWS! It was fueled by anger at his lying and a desire to move on with my life as I contemplated filing for divorce. Hell, I even told him to go be with his soulmate and told the kids to treat her with kindness!
Confused4Now Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 its not solely about winning victory over the wife, but it is part of it, whether yall wanna admit it or not.For me victory is fixing what was inside of me that got me in the mess in the first place. Also working on myself to create or have an authentic emotional self. To me that is VICTORY.....
Spark1111 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 For me victory is fixing what was inside of me that got me in the mess in the first place. Also working on myself to create or have an authentic emotional self. To me that is VICTORY..... That is victory! Congratulations Confused4now!
Spark1111 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 its not solely about winning victory over the wife, but it is part of it, whether yall wanna admit it or not. Well, it certainly could be Dex. He loves me more....I am the better choice....so why doesn't he choose me? All valid emotions in the triangle. It can and DOES set up an unspoken competition with the spouse.
BB07 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 For me victory is fixing what was inside of me that got me in the mess in the first place. Also working on myself to create or have an authentic emotional self. To me that is VICTORY..... Excellent point!
KarmasTestDummy Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Wow KTD, some really interesting insight here and some very good advice, too! You are describing my sitch to a tee, and I was a fBS. None of my behavior was in any way designed to win back my fWS! It was fueled by anger at his lying and a desire to move on with my life as I contemplated filing for divorce. Hell, I even told him to go be with his soulmate and told the kids to treat her with kindness! And he came crawling back to you a broken man on his knees didn't he? Couldn't stand to see you happy and getting by just fine on your own. My 'ex' h did that. Wasn't until I finally said I don't want him anymore that he committed to ow, but he still cries and tries to hug me' and smell my hair and sneak in his apologies and beg me back every time, a year later. She may have him, but I could have him back at the drop of a hat if I wanted him back, and that's something very real and true OW need to think about. It's been over a year and a half since I left him...and he says he doesn't go a day without regrets. I think I just reminded myself of yet another reason why me' and exmm should not ever go back...I think if w asked him back he'd leave. He truly is no stronger than 'ex' h.
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