Sebastianthebear Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Ok, this is long, but I really need some advice. I’ve been with this girl for about a year. She left me this weekend, and I cannot understand why. I met her when I was ending a relationship I’d been in for 14 years. My now ex girlfriend and I realized we had gone through a lot together, we’d done some pretty bad stuff to each other, and we were really just better as friends than as romantic partners. It wasn’t a horrible breakup, but my ex was lonely in her new town (across the country) and so probably called me more often than she should’ve for the first few months or so. We used to talk several times a day, but then it was cut down to once a day or maybe even just once a week. I figured she’d eventually get over it, and I think everyone should get over things at their own speed. My ex was humiliated I’d broken up with her, and because we worked together before she moved, she threatened to never talk to me again if I told our office mates we broke up. I was trying to be respectful of her feelings, so I didn’t tell anyone (except my new girl of course, who also works in our office) that we’d broken up. This summer, girlfriend was pretty frustrated that we had been dating in secret for so long. I had to leave the country for four months, and during that time she decided to move on with another guy. I was devastated. The thing was, I had already decided it was time to move on and tell everyone we were together. I was just waiting to get back to the country to tell my girlfriend that. My ex seemed ok with other people knowing, so I felt good about the decision. I just never wanted to hurt anyone. I am completely crazy about the girl I’ve been dating this year & over the three months she was with this other guy I showed my girlfriend exactly how important she was to me. I told my roommate (also a co-worker, it’s a small world), I told my family. I haven’t told the rest of the office, because we aren’t very close, but if it came up I would tell them, no doubt. I did everything for this girl—bought her flowers, wrote her a love letter, and put up with her having a boyfriend and trying to push me away for a long time. After three awful months of her dating someone else, she finally did about two weeks ago. Two weeks ago she finally decided to break up with her (now-ex) boyfriend to go out with me. We were taking it slow, but we both were definitely feeling connected again. It is awesome. Then last week my ex girlfriend called me with some awful news. We’ve been talking on the phone maybe once ever week or two, no big deal. She was diagnosed with breast cancer—they needed to take a biopsy this past Tuesday. Well, she has nobody where she lives yet, and her family lives in another country. She pretended not to want me there, but I knew she needed someone really close to her to take care of her. I told my girlfriend I was probably going, and asked if she’d be ok with it. She looked pretty upset, and said she didn’t know if she could deal with it. I left her house after about half an hour of talking about it, called my ex back, and bought my ticket. For several days my girlfriend was pretty upset, but said she’d try to deal with it. Well, on Sunday afternoon (I was leaving Monday, flying back later today) I came over and she begged me not to go. Like, was crying uncontrollably & begging me not to do it. I told her I was going, that it was in my nature to help a friend in need. She said that we were over. I just don’t understand…. Why is this something to break up over? How can my girlfriend not see that I am just friends with my ex? There is no romantic interest there, she just needed a friend. Well, my girlfriend called and sent a ton of texts when I was on the plane. She was completely freaked out, begging for me to stay in a hotel or to come home early. She offered to pay for a ticket even, to get me home. I told her I wanted to work it out with her and would talk to her when I got back. But my friend really needed me, so I hung up the phone. My girlfriend wouldn't stop calling me, and my friend was really scared about her biopsy the next day, so I turned my phone off. I called my girlfriend back the next afternoon, but she says she felt completely rejected, betrayed, and abandoned, and isn’t sure she can trust me. I didn’t do any of those things—I left for four days to take care of a FRIEND. I didn’t do anything to hurt anyone, I thought I was doing the best for everyone. I just can’t say no to someone in need. Now my girlfriend isn’t sure she wants to be with me anymore. She says unless I agree that I made a mistake in going, and will stop all contact with my ex, that she can’t be with me. She thinks my relationship with my ex is getting in the way of my relationship with her. How can I get her to see that the only person that thinks my ex is in the way is my girlfriend? My ex and I are not interested in being together. I can’t believe she’s asking me to do this—how can I prove to her that she is my priority, that my ex is just my friend, and that she can trust me?
thatsonlyme Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I believe this is one of the reasons why friendships with exes hardly ever work. Just try to put herself in her shoes. Imagine her going out of town to be with her ex boyfriend alone. I'm not a very jealous person but I'd have hard time accepting it. Being on good terms with an ex could work but being their best friend... dunno. Good luck
kaycstamper Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 If you want to have a current relationship you need to lay the old relationship to rest. How would you feel if you were in her position? As it stands, you are between a rock and a hard place, not wanting to ditch your friend in need but not wanting to lose your current GF either. That's a decision only you can make because no matter what you decide, it's going to cost you. What would your ex do if you weren't there? Does she know it's going to cost you your current relationship?
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