foundmysoulmate Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 HI I posted before and got some mixed replies, I guess would be the polite way to say it but based on my situation I expected it. Even though the section is support for the OM and OW I am seeing that is not always the case. To summarize my situation, I am married it has been a rocky time with my spouse, things with him are better now but there is a mountain of hurt that we have been through. I am involved with a married man and we see each other often, have gone away together, celebrate anniversaries (monthly) and fell in love with each other before being intimate. He is the love of my life and I believe we were brought together for a reason. Anyway... I have a few questions that I guess I just am curious about others experiences. 1. How long did your affair last? (if in fact you ended the affair) 2. How many affairs have you had in the past? 3. Was/is it an EA PA or both? 4. Did your spouse find out? If so how did that go? 5. Did you stay with your spouse? 6. If not did your affair last? 7. Was the other person you were involved with married? 8. Did their spouse find out? 9. Has anyone ever married their affair? 10. Were you able to trust if id did last? because of the affair... Thanks!
Circular Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 HI I posted before and got some mixed replies, I guess would be the polite way to say it but based on my situation I expected it. Even though the section is support for the OM and OW I am seeing that is not always the case. To summarize my situation, I am married it has been a rocky time with my spouse, things with him are better now but there is a mountain of hurt that we have been through. I am involved with a married man and we see each other often, have gone away together, celebrate anniversaries (monthly) and fell in love with each other before being intimate. He is the love of my life and I believe we were brought together for a reason. Anyway... I have a few questions that I guess I just am curious about others experiences. 1. How long did your affair last? (if in fact you ended the affair) It started as an EA, so it's hazy as to when it actually 'started', but I'd say about 18 mo. of being 'in it' and about 6 years of knowing each other and being friends. 2. How many affairs have you had in the past? This is the only one. 3. Was/is it an EA PA or both? Started out as an EA, moved into a PA. I think the PA becomes hard to avoid once you're deep into the EA. 4. Did your spouse find out? If so how did that go? Nope. 5. Did you stay with your spouse? Yep. 6. If not did your affair last? NA 7. Was the other person you were involved with married? Yep. 8. Did their spouse find out? Nope. 9. Has anyone ever married their affair? NA 10. Were you able to trust if id did last? because of the affair... I think if we had left our spouses there would need to be a period of time we were apart from each other. Maybe only limited contact, I'd also think we'd need to go to counseling to get it out on the table and discuss all the elements of the A and understand for both our sakes what happened so we could work around the trust issues that I'm sure are to arise. Thanks! Answers in bold above!
UntoldStory Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 (edited) HI I posted before and got some mixed replies, I guess would be the polite way to say it but based on my situation I expected it. Even though the section is support for the OM and OW I am seeing that is not always the case. To summarize my situation, I am married it has been a rocky time with my spouse, things with him are better now but there is a mountain of hurt that we have been through. I am involved with a married man and we see each other often, have gone away together, celebrate anniversaries (monthly) and fell in love with each other before being intimate. He is the love of my life and I believe we were brought together for a reason. Anyway... I have a few questions that I guess I just am curious about others experiences. 1. How long did your affair last? (if in fact you ended the affair) About a year 2. How many affairs have you had in the past? Zero 3. Was/is it an EA PA or both? Almost entirely EA. 24 hrs in person. 4. Did your spouse find out? If so how did that go? Nope 5. Did you stay with your spouse? Separating now, but not with the intent to be with AP. It needs to happen regardless of what happens with xMM. 6. If not did your affair last? It's not an A anymore. We'll see if it can continue as a long-term relationship, if he decides to leave his W. Right now we're in NC as he's waaaaaaaay confused. 7. Was the other person you were involved with married? Yep 8. Did their spouse find out? Not as far as I know, but I have suspicions that she has suspicions. 9. Has anyone ever married their affair? Not so far!! 10. Were you able to trust if id did last? because of the affair... N/A Thanks! In bold above. Edited October 14, 2010 by UntoldStory wordsmithing
ladydesigner Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 HI I posted before and got some mixed replies, I guess would be the polite way to say it but based on my situation I expected it. Even though the section is support for the OM and OW I am seeing that is not always the case. To summarize my situation, I am married it has been a rocky time with my spouse, things with him are better now but there is a mountain of hurt that we have been through. I am involved with a married man and we see each other often, have gone away together, celebrate anniversaries (monthly) and fell in love with each other before being intimate. He is the love of my life and I believe we were brought together for a reason. Anyway... I have a few questions that I guess I just am curious about others experiences. 1. How long did your affair last? (if in fact you ended the affair) It was EA for 8 months and a PA for 6 weeks, then back to EA/LC "friends" for another year before I went NC 2. How many affairs have you had in the past? None 3. Was/is it an EA PA or both? Both 4. Did your spouse find out? If so how did that go? No 5. Did you stay with your spouse? Yes 6. If not did your affair last? N/A 7. Was the other person you were involved with married? No but in a five year long-distance relationship 8. Did their spouse find out? Not that I know of, she suspected he was cheating at one time though during our PA 9. Has anyone ever married their affair? N/A 10. Were you able to trust if id did last? because of the affair...N/A Thanks! My particular affair was a revenge affair although the emotional connection with my XOM was there before I discovered my H's infidelities. So I guess you could say I was in a EA before I decided to make it physical. My XOM ended with me. I probably would have had a D-Day if he had not. I was pretty lost in my "fog." My XAP would not have been a good match for me, I can see that clearly now. His ending with me was a gift as my M is stronger now than it has been in years. H and I are communicating better too. I hope you get the answers you are looking for;)
Confused4Now Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 1. How long did your affair last? (if in fact you ended the affair) Affair lasted about 5 years....affair as far as I'm concerned ended middle of this year. 2. How many affairs have you had in the past? Technically I would say 2 3. Was/is it an EA PA or both? This one was mostly EA even though we got physical. However I stopped the physical cause... I just wouldn't accept sloppy seconds even though she assured me that they slept in different rooms. 4. Did your spouse find out? If so how did that go? I told my spouse about 4 months after I moved out. She was not happy however at that time she had disclosed that she had a affair with MM. Which why she thought I left in the first place. 5. Did you stay with your spouse? NO....been legally Divorced now 17 months. 6. If not did your affair last? I would say it's more of concluding than moving forward. 7. Was the other person you were involved with married? Yes 20+ years 8. Did their spouse find out? Yes they did as I went knocking on her door to get my answers. 9. Has anyone ever married their affair? Well I think in my fantasy I saw me being married to her...but not anymore. 10. Were you able to trust if id did last? because of the affair... This is the one thing I kept drilling in my head over and over again. This thinking I finally realized and allow me to step away. I'd always wonder if she'd to this to me if I was married to her? Thanks!My affair for me was a exit affair. Even though she will try to get in touch at times...I figure her and hubby got in a fight. I didn't need to be a part of that anymore.
katielee Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Originally Posted by foundmysoulmate 1. How long did your affair last? (if in fact you ended the affair) about 3 months 2. How many affairs have you had in the past? zero 3. Was/is it an EA PA or both? both 4. Did your spouse find out? If so how did that go? I told my spouse after 3 weeks, I was miserable. I didn't end it until 2 months after that, however... 5. Did you stay with your spouse? Yes,and we are very happy and in MC. I have NC with MM. 6. If not did your affair last? NA 7. Was the other person you were involved with married? Yes they were HS sweethearts married for about 13 years. 8. Did their spouse find out? Yes my husband gave MM opportunity to tell his wife but when he didn't, he showed up and talked to her and gave her evidence. 9. Has anyone ever married their affair? NA 10. Were you able to trust if id did last? because of the affair... This is why it never would have worked... look at the big picture, would you rather be married to a cheater or not? Because this is a fact that cannot be ignored. Your MM is a promise breaker and so are you... so am I, and I'm having a hard time with myself right now. Thanks!
TinaniT Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 1. How long did your affair last? (if in fact you ended the affair) 2. How many affairs have you had in the past? 3. Was/is it an EA PA or both? 4. Did your spouse find out? If so how did that go? 5. Did you stay with your spouse? 6. If not did your affair last? 7. Was the other person you were involved with married? 8. Did their spouse find out? 9. Has anyone ever married their affair? 10. Were you able to trust if id did last? because of the affair... Thanks! 1. ~6 months? 2. it was first for us both 3. both 4. Nope. Probably some suppositions and neither would lie to the question but haven't brought it up 5. No 6. We are engaged 7. Yes 8. answered above. 9. we are engaged 10. I trust him completely. It's not worth being in a relationship if you can't trust. I'd leave him.
JAGeezer Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 3. Was/is it an EA PA or both? both Not to nitpick...okay, yes I'm nitpicking...but your previous posting history makes it clear that you claim to have had an EA only. Now you say it was both an EA and a PA. Which was it, how much previously unmentioned PA are we talking here, and does your H know that it was both? JAG
katielee Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 (edited) ................................ Edited November 2, 2010 by katielee
pureinheart Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 ................................ Right on Katie!
Katharin Clifton Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 My particular affair was a revenge affair although the emotional connection with my XOM was there before I discovered my H's infidelities. So I guess you could say I was in a EA before I decided to make it physical... His ending with me was a gift as my M is stronger now than it has been in years. H and I are communicating better too. My affair was a revenge affair too. For years my H simply took me for granted. I have been married for 11 years and I have always placed my family first. I was always the dutiful wife and devoted mother. But recently, something in me just snapped. I just could not take the emotional and psychological abuse that my husband was dishing out to me on a daily basis. I became rebellious and turned my back against the values on which I had been raised. Frankly, I was very surprised that I got myself involved in an affair as I had always thought that it would be my H. During my affair, I found myself falling for my MM. I began to withdraw from my marriage and my H felt it. That made him suspicious and he even confronted me about it. But I denied it point blank and even told him he had no right to speak that way to me considering the way he has been treating me all these years. He backed off and started changing his attitude towards me. Initially, it felt really weird to have him treat me so nice. I just wasn't used to it. But slowly, I feel my heart warming a little towards him. I say "a little" because I am just not willing to open myself up to hurt again. Right now, I am not 100% sure what I should do. But I have placed my MM in the past and looking to the future with or without my H. To me, as long as my H is still a good father to my kids, I can stick it out for a while longer. I certainly don't love my H. I feel some affection for him given out 11 years together but to me, he's more like a friend than a lover. I am not sure how my story will continue to unfold, only time will tell.
issohard Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 1. How long did your affair last? (if in fact you ended the affair 6 months, still ongoning but I have to let it go 2. How many affairs have you had in the past? None 3. Was/is it an EA PA or both? Both 4. Did your spouse find out? If so how did that go? Just suspicions on both sides 5. Did you stay with your spouse? Yes but still considering 6. If not did your affair last? Still ongoing but really difficult 7. Was the other person you were involved with married? Yes 8. Did their spouse find out? Just suspicious 9. Has anyone ever married their affair? N/a 10. Were you able to trust if id did last? because of the affair... You can't never trust even yourself
Heather1 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 1. How long did your affair last? (if in fact you ended the affair) 1 year EA, 2 year PA, back to EA for the past few months due to his guilt 2. How many affairs have you had in the past? first for both of us, because of the situation & how slow it developed, I do believe him on that one. 3. Was/is it an EA PA or both? Both, how could it not be? 4. Did your spouse find out? If so how did that go? I told him a few months in, when I thought it was over. He understood, he knows I've never been very attracted to him & wanted to stay M. I would say his is an unusual response, because he doesn't want me to cut the OM out of my life entirely. He says I'm happier when I'm in contact w/ him. 5. Did you stay with your spouse? yes 6. If not did your affair last? N/A 7. Was the other person you were involved with married? yes 8. Did their spouse find out? nope, doesn't know who I am 9. Has anyone ever married their affair? N/A 10. Were you able to trust if id did last? because of the affair... I like the "I don't trust myself" comment. Personally, I would never re-marry after I've blundered my way through this. I would never expect another person to sign a forever contract with me after what I've put my H through.
greengoddess Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Heather if you don't mind me asking why did you marry your husband if you've never been attracted to him?
Heather1 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I know now that wasn't fair to him & he's always known, before I did. I was in my 20's & wanted kids already & stability. The men I was attracted to didn't want a relationship w/ me. Didn't mean to t/j
September Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 1. How long did your affair last? (if in fact you ended the affair) 2 years 2. How many affairs have you had in the past? Me - None Him - He had an EA early into his M. 3. Was/is it an EA PA or both? It was an EA for first 6 months then became a very PA for 18 months. 4. Did your spouse find out? If so how did that go? Yes, I told him (not by my choice though). It hurt him greatly but with lots of talking we worked our way through it. I have been very lucky, he has put the hurt and anger aside and we have great friendship now. 5. Did you stay with your spouse? No, we separated and have been for 15 months. We won't be getting back together, we are better friends than lovers - now. 6. If not did your affair last? I left to be with my xAP. He was caught not long after me. He was kicked out initially but decided that he wanted to be with me and got his own place. That lasted for 6 weeks. Out of the blue and completely unexpectedly he went back home. He and I ended one year ago. I still would have left at some stage as our M was an empty shell. 7. Was the other person you were involved with married? Yes, he has been M for over 20 years. 8. Did their spouse find out? Yes, and as you can imagine, all hell broke loose. 9. Has anyone ever married their affair? N/A to me but I have heard of it happening a lot. 10. Were you able to trust if id did last? because of the affair... Had we stayed together, I would have been fine with it but now if he ever did change his mind, I would have big issues with it. Being thrown under the bus the way I was, has made me think a lot about these issues. I think for me now I will have trust issues when meeting a new partner, not so much about cheating but more about being hurt again. Being dumped by him really really broke my heart, soul and confidence... See above...
ComputerJock Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Katielee your answer to JAGeezer's question about you previous post came out as ---------------- did you have a pa and does your husband know? Which post did you lie, this one or your previous posts?
Mrs. Jones Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 1. How long did your affair last? (if in fact you ended the affair) 26 months 2. How many affairs have you had in the past? Me - 1 year long distance EA very early in my marriage. He - A PA for 4 months about 12 years ago...so he says. His AP partner ended it. 3. Was/is it an EA PA or both? Ours was an EA for the first 4 months then became a PA for the remainder. Our physical was not frequent, but amazing. 4. Did your spouse find out? If so how did that go? Yes, a "friend" was informing him anonymously over a course of 2 months. We are working on our marriage and are in a wait and see mode as we know this will take time. 5. Did you stay with your spouse? Yes, for now. I will not stay in the M I had before the affair and he knows this. I am still not convinced I can stay, as I do not feel the same way about my H as I did for my MOM. 6. If not did your affair last? NA 7. Was the other person you were involved with married? Yes, he has been M for 30 years. 8. Did their spouse find out? Yes, twice. First time I'm sure he told his version, second time the "friend" sent her a video so she actually saw how we were together. 9. Has anyone ever married their affair? NA...but I know people do. 10. Were you able to trust if id did last? because of the affair... If we stayed together, I know for the most part I would trust him as I knew how he felt about me. We were good for eachother in many ways. We were crazy for and about eachother. We both felt we were "the one." Thanks! See bold. I am still not convinced it is over...and I am not in denial. I know it's over for now and I am moving on in my own way. But I feel in my gut that our paths will cross again...maybe not now, but in a year, 5 years, 10 years down the road. There was a lot of chemistry and we shared an intellectual bond I had not experienced with any other. I know he feels the same.
Got it Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 1. How long did your affair last? (if in fact you ended the affair) The affair lasted a little over a year before he separated. 2. How many affairs have you had in the past? In hindsight and learning about affairs I probably had maybe an EA or poor boundaries when I was younger, when my husband and I were dating. 3. Was/is it an EA PA or both? It was both. 4. Did your spouse find out? If so how did that go? No, I separated a little over a month after the affair started as I was already planning on divorcing prior to meeting sMM. 5. Did you stay with your spouse? No 6. If not did your affair last? Yes until sMM left his marriage. 7. Was the other person you were involved with married? Yes 8. Did their spouse find out? Yes 9. Has anyone ever married their affair? We have yet though we talk about it. There is no rush and just enjoying our time together. 10. Were you able to trust if id did last? because of the affair... Yes I am able to trust him .
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