He ran without ever letting me see his face

[FalseHope]

"There's no one in this whole world who knows you better than I do. Do you know what it means to be lovers? It means even though you’re miles from me I can still feel the level of anxiety you are having and the mental anguish you must be feeling knowing you will have to come home to me and tell me you aren’t in love with me anymore. There isn’t much I don’t get about you but what you’re doing now has me lost. Maybe though, I don’t really want to understand.”

 

Sadly this entire ending story takes place over texting, oh how you laugh at me technology. (Real quick I'm 23 and he's going to be 25 this year)

 

It’ll be three years in January 2011 but we didn’t make it to spend it with each other. It began pretty typical, I was dating another boy and he was with another girl. We worked at the same place in different departments and didn’t even know each other existed. I was of no interest to him and he was of no importance to me. To make it short we found each other and discovered we were strangely alike. Sounds pretty familiar, right? I found him amusing and he enjoyed chasing after me. It was a wonderful game until I found myself in his arms and wondering what my heart was doing. He had already given his to me and had taken mine without me looking. I have always been a very independent woman and wasn’t afraid of falling. I knew what I wanted in life, I was going to finish up my undergrad and become an Electrical Engineer, get my masters and go work for a good company. Possibly get married down the road and have children. I was busy with playing the violin and actively seeking thrill sports like snowboarding, skateboarding, rugby and anything else I could get my hands on that would be one more thing to conquer. A good night to me though was rolling down hills, playing in mud and finishing up the night with a good book in my favorite bookstore with an iced coffee. He changed all that. He wanted into my world and I found his new. Bars, clubs or being with his friends didn’t really interest me for long. I wanted more. We went to museums, vineyards, painted together, etc it was perfect. People around us claimed we were the perfect example of true love.

 

"When we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness - and call it love - true love."

 

We both have family problems, probably him more than me. We found sanctuary in each other and ended up moving in together after a year of exclusive dating. I realized quickly he wasn’t as resourceful or able to solve “the problems of life” as quickly or efficient as I was able to. So slowly I organized both our lives without even thinking and was able to make sure everything “work out” without breaking a sweat. He seemed to enjoy it, having a stress free life I’m sure was very enjoyable at first. Plus I made a great study buddy since he was an engineer too. I’m not really sure where it went wrong, probably during those rare times he made me feel insecurity. That’s when I knew I had become completely vulnerable to this boy. The insecurity grew but I never showed it, other than the few times I’d have my explosion of anger then retreating into silence. Our fights were rare but some days I couldn’t get those moments of where he made me feel like a fool and I’d retreat into my shell. He never knew what to say during those times he just sadly took it. He changed a lot to please me and I hardly knew when I was hurting him. He never spoke up once when my words became too much.

 

August 2010 rolled around and he decided to talk about getting married. However, life has a funny way of messing everything up. His family issues rose again and finally he could no longer ignore them. His mother and sister needed help financially/mentally (major issues there I rather not get into it) and the only possible choice was to have them move in with us as he was their only available family. So I found a house in a good neighborhood so his sister could go to a decent school and his mother would feel safe in a good community. During September 2010, that first week I had a meltdown. I wasn’t used to him giving all his attention away and reserving a small portion for me. I had accepted early on there would be changes but he did it so drastically and denied changing that I couldn’t take it. I withdrew, left the house without saying where or what I was doing, and fell into depression in silence. Finally I realized I was being completely selfish and apologized to everyone for being irrational and promised to be better. I was much better and very helpful. He sat by and observed while I slowly became the “man of the house.”

 

Something had changed during that time in him. He was distant, cold, distracted and hardly wanted anything to do with me. I approached him several times and he’d deny it. One night he surprised me and asked what if he didn’t get better. In my head I knew I would have to leave but my heart said I should work it out. So I answered “we’d fix it.” Then the next night he said he wasn’t sure if he was in love with me anymore. At first I didn’t know what to say but found myself collapsed on the floor ready to throw up. When did such a strong person become so dependent on a man? I shook and cried. Of course I begged him to stay and fix this with me. He just hugged me till morning. The next day he texted me that he needed space and time to think things through. He loved me but wasn’t in love with me and found there was hope in our relationship. He promised to date me and that everything could be wonderful in a year again. I believe it was a ploy now to just get me out of the house, sadly I knew there wasn’t any other choice.

 

He didn’t come home that night but instead took refuge in a mutual friend’s house crying that he’d have to come home and break my heart. All night I stayed up going over all the warning signs, breaking things down logically and trying to analyze how this could be salvaged. It couldn’t if the other person did not want to. I feared he was going to run despite him promising to fix it. I began to wonder, “Am I really such a horrible person? Is this why I’m alone tonight without anyone to call?” When it came down to the final confrontation he couldn’t face me. He looked away or had to wear a mask, he knew I could easily read his every movement and see right through him.

 

So I moved out, decided that I’d let him contact me. He texted me nearly every day about very neutral things, “good morning” “Work is going okay.” I answered neutrally as well. I realized this game we were playing could tip at any point and he was controlling it all. Finally he ended it last week on Tuesday by saying “We need to take this time to concentrate on ourselves. The changes you have made for yourself are too late. I find I miss you less and less each day. It’s different now. If we want to have a chance at being friends or more we’ll need to take this time apart. I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now. ” So now we’ve entered into a no contact mode. This has been a very difficult journey for me as I feel he’s just running than trying to fix something worth saving. He felt “used up and tired.” Even though I hardly showed any emotions I was feeling here, I can say that I am a wreck. Any thoughts? Even now I’m still unsure why he’s on this journey to “find himself” or why he’s deciding to take it now. Why didn’t he want to fix it and is running from me? He’s so negative in commenting about me and our relationship to his friends but is positive when he speaks to me. I want him to come back but all I can do is move forward. He’s a coward for not telling me face to face and deleting me from his friends on Facebook all because he didn’t want to read my updates on me moving on. It all just seems confusing to me.

Edited October 14, 2010 by FalseHope

[SadGirl23]

Been up and down on this hill..

 

NC for good. If he truly still misses you and thinks of you, he will say those exact words, If he wants to be back with you, he will be at your doorstep.. anything else like a "hi, how are you, goodnight or happy halloween" or just check ups to see if you still are okay with text message/email/unnecessary contact. That is why NC is for the best.

 

Trust me on this, my ex thought it was okay to make me feel this way. I couldn't believe it.. to contact me like nothing ever happened like if I never had a "heart or emotions". He made me feel like a robot, like if he had control of me to make me feel happy one day with positive words, and feeling like "I am a nobody but a memory" the next moment. It hurts as much when I kept in contact with him trying to figure him out, and it hurts as much knowing we no longer speak. But I rather not speak, to not know what he is doing whether he is out with friends, out with a new girl, or sitting at home trying to really figure out what he wants from the relationship.. Whatever he is doing, NC is helping me to keep my sanity.

 

I don't talk to my ex, NC for almost month already, and he still trying to ease his way back into my life somehow, someway, any excuse. Although I don't know if it could be a road to reconcilation in a odd form of way, or just false hope but whatever it is, I know and he knows he no longer has me on a string. He is now curious as to what the hell I am doing in my life and "what is new with me". I'm done with crying, feeling sick about him.. It's not love, so who the f*** I think he is to allow me to feel this way?! I'll just NC for my peace. Yeah I cry still, sometimes I don't.. but atleast HE knows I'm not bothering HIM!

 

my experience:

-5 years in a relationship

-broke up with me with no good reason on the phone 2.5 months ago other than confused

-refused to see me since the breakup

-string me as a friend of "hey how are you?" to a "i miss you so much"

-came back to me at 2 months by crying that he wants me back

-changed his mind the next day with no notice, no phone call

-NOW wants me back in his life to go to church with him either out of guilt to make me think he is a "good person" or b/c he is trying to better himself. Oh yeah, and also admitted there is no one else he is seeing?

 

I'm still at NC trying to get thru all this

Edited October 14, 2010 by SadGirl23

[Pink_orchid]

He'll come back if he's bothered. I hope you'd think twice or make him beg. Good luck.

He sounds very mixed up.

 

I got involved with a guy who just did a complete 180 on me so I know what you're going through.

Edited October 14, 2010 by Pink_orchid

[FalseHope]

Yeah I figured no contact would be the best thing for now and to keep myself focused on important things going on in my life right now. I've also been trying to lose myself in activities that I've never done before and have wanted to do for a long time. It's helping a lot. Speaking to older women in general has allowed me to see their point of view since they most likely have gone through something similar to this. Most of them think he's immature and will need to take this time to grow up. Meanwhile I will need to concentrate on myself; I digress.

 

Our mutual best friend who still remains in contact with him says he is just procrastinating with his feelings towards me. He deals with it like "well I'll deal with how I feel about her tomorrow." It's very frustrating to know he's just taking his sweet time in figuring himself out while I'm taking leaps to fix me. My friend also noted that there hasn't been much progress or change in his "new routine" he comes home from work, spends time with his family, goes to school and comes home. Over weekends he'll go see a friend, then possibly study. Nothing different to me.

 

People tend to agree with you two, that he sounds confused. He even admitted as it was ending that he was lost. However now he's telling my friend that he isn't anymore. I find that both a regrettable statement and possibly a lie. Perhaps not an obvious lie but more of a statement of a one tracked mind who can't see any other possibility. He's a hard case to crack simply because he's willing to just run or put me out of his mind. He finds remembering anything about me stressful and for lack of better words "disgusting." Not that the idea of me is disgusting more the situation and the relationship as it "turned sour" became something he regrets. He wishes he spoke up before this happened but I'm still not sure what that could mean.

 

He feeds his ego for now by getting feedback from old ex girlfriends he finds no interest in other than their similar experiences and allows them to pat him on the back for his bravery of running from me. They make him feel safe that he is doing the right thing all the while the rest of us look on confused and wonder why he's just taking his time and pulling in these "feel good" words. My friend feels it might take years for him to complete his new orbit and make his way back towards me with nostalgia in his head. I hope it doesn't take years, but the way he's going it sure feels that way. I wouldn't take him back immediately regardless if he showed up heartbroken over his decision tomorrow, he is by no means stable again and we'd end up right back here. I'd make him work for my trust again as he challenges the idea of me actually changing for good.

 

Patience isn't one of my strong points and I don't enjoy waiting around for something to happen. For now I put it on the shelf and hope it won't take years.