Am I reading too much into this?

[SecretSquirrel]

Would this make you uneasy also, or am I reading too much into this:

 

I recently got home from being away for a few days and bf was on his laptop; he left it on while we were hanging out. I was telling him about my weekend when I remembered that there was something I wanted to check out online (that I had learned about over the weekend). Since his computer had been on and mine was packed away still, I asked if I could use his.

 

He was very hesitant, and was like "Oh you mean now? I guess so."

 

He got his computer, which required a password to log on (this is new, and as I don't use his computer much, I have no idea when he decided to password protect it, but this was never the case in the past several years); then, instead of giving me the computer (as I was sitting right next to him) he asked me for the name of the website, and had me tell him which links I wanted him to click on while HE navigated the website, instead of letting me.

 

This weirded me out a little, but mostly I'm :confused: about the password thing.

 

I've always felt his phone especially, but also email/chat was a closely guarded secret, and didn't particularly like it, but didn't think much about it until now. Now I'm very uneasy.

Edited October 14, 2010 by SecretSquirrel

[colliejoanie]

This one hits a little close to home. I may be bitter though, so take it how you like!

 

I was living with a guy for three years. About a year into it, he started being really secretive with his computer. I started getting suspecious and asking him about the password changes and the time he spent on the computer. He accused me of being nosy and possessive. I started snooping and of course found e-mails to girls or websites he'd been on.

 

Point is, for two years I felt like I was doing something wrong in suspecting HE was doing something wrong, and then he left me for a girl he'd been e-mailing for the entire time we'd been dating. HEART BROKEN!!

 

So, I have no advice. Sorry!

[Eeyore79]

I have done the same thing before when my partner asked to use my laptop. It wasn't anything suspicious, I just didn't want him to see the porn sites I'd been on and he didn't give me time to clear the history.

[SecretSquirrel]

I started getting suspecious and asking him about the password changes and the time he spent on the computer.

Sorry to hear that. My bf spends a lot of time on his computer/phone, but the time on the computer, at least, is generally in the open when he's on it...though fairly frequently I will be making dinner or something, he will tell me that he's going to change real quick (or whatever) and be down in 5 minutes; 40 minutes later I have to go get him because dinner's ready, and turns out he's been on his computer the whole time. Don't know if that's suspicious or not.

 

I have been uneasy about his phone and the time he spends on it, and he says that when he's on his phone 99% of the time he's using the calculator, but I have no way of knowing that. When I try to peek at what he's doing, he is never on the calculator, he is always texting someone who's name I can't make out, and occasionally on FB or email. His phone is also password protected, but makes sense to lock as it has a touchscreen on the outside...but I don't like how the password is a huge secret - he always used to unlock his phone in front of me, and without even trying I eventually saw him do it enough times that Iknew his password - as soon as he realized I knew it he changed it and makes sure to hold his phone away from me everytime he unlocks it.

 

I have done the same thing before when my partner asked to use my laptop. It wasn't anything suspicious, I just didn't want him to see the porn sites I'd been on and he didn't give me time to clear the history.

 

That doesn't explain the new password - his computer has never been password protected in the years I've known him.

Edited October 14, 2010 by SecretSquirrel

[cyberfriendxx]

 

I've always felt his phone especially, but also email/chat was a closely guarded secret, and didn't particularly like it, but didn't think much about it until now. Now I'm very uneasy.

 

The thing is - there's a difference between something that is 'private' and something that is 'secret'.

 

We are all surely allowed privacy in parts of our lives - and perhaps it should extend to phones, pc's etc. Probably everyone would agree with that.

 

Whether someone has the right to keep something 'secret' from you - well I think that's where there are wildly differing opinions.

 

If it's new behaviour it probably means he has something to hide - although it may just be something private it could always be something far worse.

 

If it makes you uneasy why not just ask him and see what he says? You'll get some idea from the way he replies to you.

 

Good luck

[Eeyore79]

My ex was very pushy and suspicious when it came to my privacy; he would peer over my shoulder and insist on looking at my emails etc. After a while I got annoyed and started to refuse - not because anything was going on, but because I became resentful about him not trusting me and nosing into my private business all the time. This of course just fuelled his paranoia, and in the end he dumped me because he was totally convinced I must be cheating.

[Aulie]

I was in a situation like this with my ex before. He was extremely secretive and would do things like hide his phone under his pillow at night. Once, before bed, he even put his phone into the pocket of a pair of shorts that he hadn't even worn that day.

 

Another time he was sitting next to me and got a text and looked at it but shut it quickly. I asked him who it was and he said it was a blank text from a friend. I knew he was lying so I checked the phone when he went to sleep and it was from this girl he used to see before we got together. All it said was 'Boo ' but it was sent at 1am on a work night. He lied to me for 2 hours before he finally admitted who the text was from, but that was after I said I had looked at it.

 

It wasn't like I cared if he kept in touch with her. She even called him a few weeks before with some kind a crisis (excuse to talk to him) and I was giving him advice to give to her to try to help her out.

 

Needless to say I eventually found more sketchy messages to other girls. I hope your situation isn't like mine, and he's just embarrassed about looking at porn or something.

[Star Gazer]

SS, I may have you confused with someone else, but haven't you been getting a little impatient about waiting for a proposal?

[SecretSquirrel]

My ex was very pushy and suspicious when it came to my privacy; he would peer over my shoulder and insist on looking at my emails etc. After a while I got annoyed and started to refuse - not because anything was going on, but because I became resentful about him not trusting me and nosing into my private business all the time. This of course just fuelled his paranoia, and in the end he dumped me because he was totally convinced I must be cheating.

I understand what you're saying, and would understand feeling that way...

 

However, we don't have a history of distrust or snooping, we both tend to leave the other alone when we're on our computers. The only time I peek at his phone is when he is sitting next to me in a social situation, like a date; I might glance at it out of the corner of my eye if he's been on it for several minutes...I think in those circumstances it's perfectly naturally to be like "Dude, what are you doing?" If I ask him he always gives a BS answer and immediately closes the screen so I couldn't see what he was doing if I looked, and puts it away.

 

@Star Gazer, yes, that's me....

[Chocolat]

Why is it that people think that once they are in a r/s the other party has no right to privacy? I have a password on my laptop and it's not because I am corresponding with old bfs or potential new ones. I just believe that I am entitled to some measure of privacy, as is my SO.

 

I don't look at my SO's computer or phone and I don't expect him to look at mine. Not because either of us have antyhing to hide but simply because everyone is entitled to private thoughts and actions, provided those are not harming anyone or violating trust.

[Aulie]

Why is it that people think that once they are in a r/s the other party has no right to privacy? I have a password on my laptop and it's not because I am corresponding with old bfs or potential new ones. I just believe that I am entitled to some measure of privacy, as is my SO.

 

I don't look at my SO's computer or phone and I don't expect him to look at mine. Not because either of us have antyhing to hide but simply because everyone is entitled to private thoughts and actions, provided those are not harming anyone or violating trust.

 

I think it's less about the privacy and more about the change in behaviour that's the issue here.

[SecretSquirrel]

Why is it that people think that once they are in a r/s the other party has no right to privacy? I have a password on my laptop and it's not because I am corresponding with old bfs or potential new ones. I just believe that I am entitled to some measure of privacy, as is my SO.

 

I don't look at my SO's computer or phone and I don't expect him to look at mine. Not because either of us have antyhing to hide but simply because everyone is entitled to private thoughts and actions, provided those are not harming anyone or violating trust.

 

I don't think this is a privacy issue. The point is that, as far as I know, neither of us has ever violated the other's privacy in any way, shape or form, but all of a sudden he password protects his computer. He's ALWAYS had privacy, why all of the sudden does he feel the need to make absolutely positive that I can't access his computer?

[Chocolat]

I don't think this is a privacy issue. The point is that, as far as I know, neither of us has ever violated the other's privacy in any way, shape or form, but all of a sudden he password protects his computer. He's ALWAYS had privacy, why all of the sudden does he feel the need to make absolutely positive that I can't access his computer?

 

You said earlier that you don't know how long he has had the password:

 

this is new, and as I don't use his computer much, I have no idea when he decided to password protect it

 

So it may not be all of a sudden.

 

Depending on the OS he's running, he may have decided to create separate administrator and user accounts (recommended even if he is the only one using his computer) and prompted for a password for each.

 

There could be many reasons for password protection. Why is this an issue for you? What else is happening (or not) in the r/s that makes you feel that the reason for the password is something negative?

[Chocolat]

I think it's less about the privacy and more about the change in behaviour that's the issue here.

 

So putting a password on one's computer is a change in behavior? Absent other indicators, I think that is a big leap.

[SecretSquirrel]

You said earlier that you don't know how long he has had the password:

 

 

 

So it may not be all of a sudden.

 

Depending on the OS he's running, he may have decided to create separate administrator and user accounts (recommended even if he is the only one using his computer) and prompted for a password for each.

 

There could be many reasons for password protection. Why is this an issue for you? What else is happening (or not) in the r/s that makes you feel that the reason for the password is something negative?

The last time I recall using his computer was 2 or 3 months ago, so sometime in the last 2 or 3 months is "all of a sudden" given how long we've known each other.

 

The only thing that has changed is that he has password protected a computer that only he and I have access to, and it is a recent change.

 

My bf is not the type to suddenly take such a measure just because it's recommended, nor would he ever be organized or "safe" enough to create separate accounts on the computer...he does not use the computer for anything but FB, email and pictures.

Edited October 14, 2010 by SecretSquirrel

[Aulie]

So putting a password on one's computer is a change in behavior? Absent other indicators, I think that is a big leap.

 

How isn't it a change in behaviour? Someone who hasn't had a password on their computer for years all of a sudden puts a password on his computer. There must be some reason why he's decided to start using a password. Now whether this is to hide something or for some innocent reason is not really for us to say because we're not him, but to be honest either reason is a possibility.

 

SecretSquirrel I think you should talk to him about it if it upsets you. You should be open with him about your feelings and also try to understand where he's coming from as well. If you're uncomfortable with his sudden need for privacy, that doesn't make you wrong. Some people are very open and other people value their privacy. Neither is wrong, but all you can do is talk to him about how you feel. He should be respectful enough to listen to what you have to say and try to understand why you feel the way you do.

[Jannah]

This weirded me out a little, but mostly I'm :confused: about the password thing.

 

I've always felt his phone especially, but also email/chat was a closely guarded secret, and didn't particularly like it, but didn't think much about it until now. Now I'm very uneasy.

 

So you are mistrustful towards his phone usage, mistrustful towards his email/chat usage and mistrustful towards his PC usage (PC = personal computer).

 

What are you mistrutful towards (i.e. where does this "mistrust" stem from exactly). Is it because you are an untrusting individual in general or just towards him in particular?

 

Have you ever discussed with him, your thoughts and fears, when something like this surfaces?

[SecretSquirrel]

SecretSquirrel I think you should talk to him about it if it upsets you. You should be open with him about your feelings and also try to understand where he's coming from as well. If you're uncomfortable with his sudden need for privacy, that doesn't make you wrong. Some people are very open and other people value their privacy. Neither is wrong, but all you can do is talk to him about how you feel. He should be respectful enough to listen to what you have to say and try to understand why you feel the way you do.

This is really good advice, thank you.

 

So you are mistrustful towards his phone usage, mistrustful towards his email/chat usage and mistrustful towards his PC usage (PC = personal computer).

 

What are you mistrutful towards (i.e. where does this "mistrust" stem from exactly). Is it because you are an untrusting individual in general or just towards him in particular?

 

Have you ever discussed with him, your thoughts and fears, when something like this surfaces?

I don't know that I'm mistrustful, exactly, I'd have to think about that. I do have a deep need to KNOW things, and I don't mean in a snooping around way, I doubt I would ever do that. What is he doing on his computer for an hour while I'm making dinner, when he wasn't even supposed to get on it in the first place? I will ask, and he says that he's sending an email, and what the email is regarding and to whom it is addressed...but if I see the screen there's about 2 lines of text on it, and he insists that he's been working on the email the whole time, but I don't understand how it takes an hour to write 2 lines, and he's still not done.

 

Especially given the fact that he is on his computer (email/FB/whatever else people do online) ALL day at work.

 

What is he doing on his computer for 8 hours on a Sunday??? I have a hard time believing he has that many personal emails to address, or that FB can absorb someone's attention for that long.

 

It's just a mystery to me how that happens, because I can't relate even a little, so I guess I make up possible scenarios in my head, because his explanations don't make any sense to me.

 

Also, upon further reflection, perhaps I am a little distrustful.

 

He had ended his previous relationship the week that we met. I didn't know this at the time, but he was living with this girl and I think it took her a month or two to move out after the fact - while from day one that we met we talked literally every day by text, online chat and email - at that point it was just friendly, but on the flirty side, we hadn't hooked up or anything, but knowing how much time he spent texting and on his computer while she was still in the house....I guess that's what's in the back of my mind making me uneasy, though I have no other reason to imagine anything.

 

I have brought this up with him, maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago, and all he said was "this is different". That's when he told me that 99% of the time he's on his phone he's using the calculator. He has also said that if he does something to make me distrustful to tell him so he can stop, but how do you tell someone who is not your child that they have to limit their internet/phone time to an hour a day?

Edited October 14, 2010 by SecretSquirrel

[Ruby Slippers]

I think the fact that he has changed his behavior is suspicious, and there are things on his phone and computer he knows you would be upset to see. This may just be porn, but it could also be hook-up sites, flirtatious e-mails, or worse.

 

I'm all for privacy, but I also think that people with nothing to hide are not nearly so concerned about it.

 

The boyfriends I've had who were the most open and honest were not secretive about these things, and the ones who had more of the wandering eyes (and probably mind) kept everything much more close to the chest.

[Jannah]

I think the fact that he has changed his behavior is suspicious, and there are things on his phone and computer he knows you would be upset to see. This may just be porn, but it could also be hook-up sites, flirtatious e-mails, or worse.

 

I'm all for privacy, but I also think that people with nothing to hide are not nearly so concerned about it.

 

The boyfriends I've had who were the most open and honest were not secretive about these things, and the ones who had more of the wandering eyes (and probably mind) kept everything much more close to the chest.

 

Opposite for me. The ex-F was very non-private with his phone, email, internet, etc., and he cheated on me. I don't think it makes a difference in terms of what people find suspicious, its subjective. But I think in OP's case, she needs to address her concerns with her boyfriend rather than prolonged speculation.

[GooseChaser]

Do you think he lies to you? Dishonesty would be a big concern to me. There needs to be trust and honest communication in a relationship.

[atlnay]

He had ended his previous relationship the week that we met. I didn't know this at the time, but he was living with this girl and I think it took her a month or two to move out after the fact - while from day one that we met we talked literally every day by text, online chat and email - at that point it was just friendly, but on the flirty side, we hadn't hooked up or anything, but knowing how much time he spent texting and on his computer while she was still in the house....I guess that's what's in the back of my mind making me uneasy, though I have no other reason to imagine anything.

 

I have brought this up with him, maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago, and all he said was "this is different". That's when he told me that 99% of the time he's on his phone he's using the calculator. He has also said that if he does something to make me distrustful to tell him so he can stop,

 

how do you tell someone who is not your child that they have to limit their internet/phone time to an hour a day?

 

Unfortunately you don't. I mean you can, but what do children do? Rebel. Expect that to happen. You can't monitor his usage to such a degree, he can simply move whatever he is doing to work.

 

OP, I think the first paragraph is what has your radars going off. You were on the other end of him being involved with someone and realize deep down, if he did her like that, he can do you like that. There's a quote, however you got them, is how you will lose them.

 

Not implying your BF has done anything wrong at this point, it's up in the air.

 

However this:

 

When I try to peek at what he's doing, he is never on the calculator, he is always texting someone who's name I can't make out, and occasionally on FB or email.

 

at the very least suggests he is lying to you and constantly questioning him, making it into an issue is only pushing him to be more covert.

 

If you succeed in getting all his passwords and his phone is an open book, it won't stop him from cheating (if that is what he is doing) it'll only force him to use alternative methods.

 

Which is where, honest and calm communication comes into play. How would you handle him telling you the truth? Will you get upset? Cry? Throw a tantrum etc?

 

You need to lay off for a few days, get back into a good groove with him and then have a talk with him about your concerns. As you lay them out, just watch him. Is he jittery? Avoiding you? Irritated? Comforting? Apologetic? What?

 

Based on how he reacts, you'll have a better idea on how to proceed next. Sorry you are dealing with this and good luck to ya!

[dispatch3d]

he's insecure about something he's doing on the computer it sounds like. This could literally be anything. If you approached it from a very understanding and accepting point of view where he felt safe to talk about it and you wouldn't judge him, then he'd probably be comfortable sharing whatever it is.

 

You really have to obey by the above stuff.

 

If you accuse him of cheating on you, or accuse him of looking at porn or something, then it ain't gunna fly.

 

My 2 cents.