colliejoanie Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 (edited) I know that being needy and insecure is SO unnatractive! So, why am I doing it?? I've been dating a really wonderful guy for about a month (well, kind of. we dated for two weeks and he went out of town for two weeks). He's coming back on Saturday. We text every single day, nearly all day, and we've been skyping the past four nights. My problem is that I've initiated the texting most mornings. And, I've had a few too many glasses of wine on a couple of occasions and drunk texted him. He always responds favorably. He says he doesn't mind the drunk texts, and he ALWAYS texts back if I text him first. But I still feel like I like him more than he likes me. I'm wondering if I do the whole NO CONTACT with him, will he wonder what's wrong and think I don't care, or will he do what seemingly every other guys does and come chasing me? I'm really trying to just live in the moment with this one and let things happen, and then I friggin text him.....again!!!! Sidebar: I really hurt my back two days ago, and a guy I know offered to give me a free massage. The guy I'm seeing asked me last night if I was going to actually take him up on the offer and I said, I don't know. He said "it's not really free. he wants more. just tell him the guy you're seeing is back in town and he's going to give you a massage". THATS promising, isn't it??? A little hint of jealousy, AND now he's the guy I'm seeing?? Edited October 14, 2010 by colliejoanie
Eeyore79 Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I don't think you should do NC - that's like cracking a nut with a sledgehammer. You don't want to make him think you don't care, you just want to be slightly more unavailable. Don't always be the one who texts him first in the morning; wait for him to text you first sometimes. Don't text him when you're drunk. If you're texting repeatedly, take slightly longer to reply to some texts - leave it for half an hour before you reply, and make sure you're sometimes the one who ends the text conversation. Don't reply to every single email, or at least don't reply right away. If you're constantly available he'll start to take you for granted, and you'll appear needy; you must have your own life which doesn't revolve around him. If you were truly busy and had your own life, you wouldn't be able to text all the time - why are you not occupied with other things? (friends, hobbies, work, etc)
atlnay Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 (edited) I know that being needy and insecure is SO unnatractive! So, why am I doing it?? From the other persons view in the relationship it isn't attractive and can help hasten the end quicker. If you are already showing him these signs after 2-4 weeks of dating, it can be a red flag in HIS mind. Insecure isn't too bad, as most everyone is, as long as you can manage it well and don't really on him to boost you up every single time. Neediness = clingyness and is something you should figure out where it comes from. If you truly want to stop doing it, a good move it to invest in some self help books or seek therapy. I've been dating a really wonderful guy for about a month (well, kind of. we dated for two weeks and he went out of town for two weeks). He's coming back on Saturday. We text every single day, nearly all day, and we've been skyping the past four nights. In the beginning of relationships, daily contact is fantastic and can be a high, however, be careful of 1) doing it too much and 2) getting used to it. Overkill on communication is another thing that can end a relationship. If you start to expect the daily communication and he's over it, you'll be frustrated. Do you have hobbies, friends, social circle, activities? If not, get some now. If so and you've neglected them, pick them back up to fill your time. It'll make you less needy, you'll have tons more interesting things to talk about when you talk to him in a few days and you won't be so dependent on his attention. My problem is that I've initiated the texting most mornings. And, I've had a few too many glasses of wine on a couple of occasions and drunk texted him. He always responds favorably. He says he doesn't mind the drunk texts, and he ALWAYS texts back if I text him first. He's not minding the drunk texts now as he doesn't know you yet and is learning your reactions to everything in general. Over time, as the drunk texts take on a different flavor, say you were mad at him for something and use the drunk text to vent your feelings, he's going to mind. You need to understand why you are using alcohol to express what you really want to say or ask him. But I still feel like I like him more than he likes me. I'm wondering if I do the whole NO CONTACT with him, will he wonder what's wrong and think I don't care, or will he do what seemingly every other guys does and come chasing me? If you do the NC thing for him to come chasing you, you are setting your relationship up as a game. He may respond once or twice to that but over time you'll have to NC longer as he won't be as receptive to that tactic. A healthier thing to do is to limit the initiation, till it's a bit more balanced. Don't stop contacting just to see what his reaction would be as much as tone down the daily texting to give him a chance to miss you, but don't drop off the face of the earth either. Sidebar: I really hurt my back two days ago, and a guy I know offered to give me a free massage. The guy I'm seeing asked me last night if I was going to actually take him up on the offer and I said, I don't know. He said "it's not really free. he wants more. just tell him the guy you're seeing is back in town and he's going to give you a massage". THATS promising, isn't it??? A little hint of jealousy, AND now he's the guy I'm seeing?? Be careful about the jealousy game. Men REALLY don't like the idea of their women with another. In the beginning when they are trying to court you, they understand there maybe others, but once you've made it official, why would you have another guy come over and massage you and tell your boyfriend that? What if he told you, while he is out of town, he hurt his back and this chick wants to come over and give him a massage? You already said you are insecure, how would that make you feel? When you hurt your back, your sweety should've either offered to assist in making you feel better next time he saw you OR you should've texted him you need his medical attentions stat! lol Jokes aside, try and work on yourself with managing your insecurities. Pace your new relationship, so you enjoy the little moments as you are learning each other and seek other activities/people outside your relationship to balance your life a bit. Good luck to ya! Edited October 14, 2010 by atlnay
Author colliejoanie Posted October 14, 2010 Author Posted October 14, 2010 Thanks for your insightful replies. I didn't text him this morning. He got ahold of me around 11, so that's good. To shed some more light on me, yes I am going to counseling right now. I left a four year abusive relationship a year and a half ago, and six months ago he tried to kill me and is now in jail, so I've been in counseling since. Counseling has help immensly. I'm starting to feel like I deserve something good to happen to me. I guess when this guy came into the picture, I knew what a great guy he was and I panicked! Because everyone has left me, including parents (in a foster home). Until now, I've NEVER been this needy and anxious. I've dealt with things pretty strongly. I hope I can salvage this relationship, but regardless, him coming in to my life at this time has been a blessing. Yet another life lesson learned.
atlnay Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Good for you CJ, I am not a liscenced counselor or therapist, I just read a lot and am a people observer so good for you on getting therapy and it's probably a good move to print your first post and show it to your therapist, they, knowing your background best, will probably give you the best advice. Living in the moment is so HARD, but sounds like you are on the right track...aware of what your issue is and are actively working on it. Good luck with your new beau and enjoy the the newness
Recommended Posts