esther0123 Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 (edited) I can't quite tell if his behavior was teasing or a form of underhanded insult. He obviously has a strong opinion about me, but I can't tell if it's negative or positive! What happened was that I went to a party -- his --, and he basically spent the ENTIRE night talking about me, talking to me, interrupting me, etc. He kept saying stuff about my personality (things that are very obvious, ie. I talk alot, I say whatever that is on my mind, I am opinionated) that everyone in the room knew already (we all worked together). which were...neutral? Some of them sounded like they could've been taken as an underhanded insult, some of them as a mere observation? Also, he continued to say things such as "I figured you out," "i KNOW you, all this talk about partying and boys (I talked about frivolous things like this with my peers of same age) is bull****! I KNOW you"... and when I would have conversations with others, he would then interfere, make it all about him (whilst talking about me, randomly, uncalled). He also said, at some point during the night, once again, out of the blue, "I KNOW YOUR GOAL," which left everyone, including myself, totally puzzled. He also mentioned something like "you think you can talk to people and get what you want right?" "when you want something, you talk to people and they get it for you" and I said, sarcastic "that's EXACTLY how everything happens to me" and he said "So what do they do? 'you're so cute, let me take you out for a coffee'?" and I replied sarcastically "You got me, that's precisely how I get by in life, no real aptitude, no real intelligence, just my social charm!" and he replied "OH NO! that's no good!" I mean,there were points during the night when him and I would exchange sarcastic jokes, and he would comment on things that I had mentioned in a more conquering manner... (ie. when I said I liked a certain comedian, he immediatey jumps in and says "I like him too, I also like *** and ***, do you know them?") He was drinking and towards the end of the night, the drinks obviously started getting to him, but even from the beginning of the party, I could tell that his attention was fixated on me (for whatever reason). He is actually my superior, married with kids, and I don't know if I should take this as a workplace bullying, or some other form of behaviour. Edited October 14, 2010 by esther0123
Ella whispers Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I think that he either has a crush on you (run) or he and other guys at the party were talking about you and he wanted to make sure your attention was on him(ego).
Raderick Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I think that he either has a crush on you (run) or he and other guys at the party were talking about you and he wanted to make sure your attention was on him(ego). In general I don't know how either is bad but in context maybe the second one would create red flags.
D-Lish Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 He has a crush on you- obvious... incrediby obvious. Remember the whole thing when you were younger and the guys that liked you for lack of a better avenue pushed you into the mud instead of engaging you because they were so immature that they couldn't be real? We can forgive the 11 year olds for acting like this- how old is this guy?
Author esther0123 Posted October 14, 2010 Author Posted October 14, 2010 he is 40!!! that is precisely why I was SOOO confused. and I am in my early 20s.
Author esther0123 Posted October 14, 2010 Author Posted October 14, 2010 Also, it was in front of everyone who worked there! I just thought it was quite inappropriate, and because it was in front of everyone, his behavior led me to think that it was humiliation (though I wasn't really humiliated.. either due to thick skin or because I was on good terms with everyone working there)...I have no clue.
Surrealist Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 For a start this guy should be careful. I'm 40 years old as well and recently was flirting with a cute chick at my work in her early 20s but there's no way I would make those kinds of comments at any time at any place. You should be careful as well, especially if he has power over you in your job and the authority to dismiss you. Be careful where you go and also how far you let this guy make any kinds of advances on you even if you are interested. Remember the saying, 'don't screw with the crew'.
Cee Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Him being your superior makes his behavior inappropriate. Not to mention married with kids. Hope he backs off. His crush on you mixed with his ego sounds like a total nightmare. You might want to quietly read the employee handbook on sexual harrassment and file the info away for future reference. If this behavior moves to the workplace & not only at a party with colleagues, it might be wise to document his words/behavior and go to HR.
Author esther0123 Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 Couldn't it be that he found my personality to be annoying and a "challenge" to his authority? I do have a strong personality, and though I never "challenged" him in any way, nor do I think I was obnoxious or rude.. It could have been perceived that way..? He is definitely one of those boss with a massive ego and I can see him getting touchy about something like that. Or am I just in a complete denial of the whole situation to avoid the "he has a crush on me" theory?
dispatch3d Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Also, it was in front of everyone who worked there! I just thought it was quite inappropriate, and because it was in front of everyone, his behavior led me to think that it was humiliation (though I wasn't really humiliated.. either due to thick skin or because I was on good terms with everyone working there)...I have no clue. This is kind of hard to explain, but I would agrue that noone's intent is "humiliation". Or at the very least, I think it's very very rare. Basically everyone is focused on their OWN emotions not OTHER peoples. So he/you whatever would never think in terms of making someone else feel another way. They would only focus on how they are feeling now, and how to correct this feeling. For example, you feel humiliated and made fun of. Or something of that sort. He is more likely to feel anger towards you, or maybe he feels lust, it's hard to say. I think guessing his exact feelings or intent is fruitless. To me, I'd want to figure out ways to avoid this problem in the future. Doing things like saying can we talk about something else, etc, is more than fair. "You're making me uncomfortable. I don't like talking about myself. Yadayada" Basically you have give him some negative feedback when he starts talking about this stuff. Bam he'll stop doing it (noone likes continuing to do things after negative feedback! The likely problem is you talked to him more because he was getting you riled. Which is why guys sometimes make fun of girls instead of going for what they want. They get more attention (which is a short-term benefit!). ie. people dont' think I'm going to make HER feel terrible. They think, I FEEL terrible, and then they are a dick to another person.
theBrokenMuse Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 This is kind of hard to explain, but I would agrue that noone's intent is "humiliation". Or at the very least, I think it's very very rare. The intent of workplace bullies are usually that of power, control, domination and subjugation. Humiliation is just one of the easy and a commonly reported means a bully uses to acquire it. (not saying that this guy IS one, just that it's much more commonplace than you might think.)
carhill Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Sounds like your host/boss needs to learn a bit about social grace and etiquette. Not your job to teach him. I would assign no significant meaning. If he takes it into the workplace, sting him with a HR spanking. I'd politely decline his social invitations from now on. Given all the attention he was giving you, he wasn't properly taking care of his other guests. Better to not attend so he has more time to do so
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