Tendency to overthink/overanalyze?

[Els]

After carefully thinking about the issue I mentioned in http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t249112/ , I realized a possible cause of this. Ironically, after lots of thinking, I came to the conclusion that I 'think too much'.

 

I've always been like this, and it hasn't only been limited to relationships. When others do something, say go out, they just do it. In my case, I often spend half an hour dithering around and thinking, "Well the weather forecast predicted that today will be the last day of sunny weather this week, and I should capitalize on that by taking a hike to that place I always wanted to go, but if I go out tomorrow I can drop off the mail that I will only have ready tomorrow so I won't need to take an extra trip to the post office. But my period might possibly be coming today and I'm reliant on public transport to come back so it'd suck being stuck in the hills away from home with menstrual cramps when I could be comfortably lying in bed and sleeping them off - but what if it doesn't come and I waste the last day of sunny weather? And the bf might be back later than usual today so I can stay out for longer, but...."

 

In the interest of not boring you people to death, I'll cut it off here, but hopefully you get what I mean.

 

And that leads to the area of relationships. When we have a very heated, or emotional, or serious discussion, I find myself thinking about every possible nuance and implication of every single thing the bf said during the discussion... up to several weeks later. I find myself wondering, "Did he mean x when he said this? Or did he mean y? Or was it really because of z?" Now, the obvious answer is, "Just ask him!" Occasionally I do, but remember here that asking would start another serious relationship discussion. And if I were to bring up every single one of those thoughts to him, even if I did it in the nicest way (ie "Hey, I was just wondering what you meant when you said x?"), there would be discussion probably every other day. And I don't think anybody would want or deserve that.

 

And I think that is the root of the problem in my previous thread. That there have just been too many 'talks'. Too much seriousness and too little fun. Our relationship was never the 'fun-fun ooh lets hang out noone has any problems' type of relationship - we battled a lot together, individual problems as well as circumstances that threatened to tear us apart, and we both put in a huge amount of effort and sacrificed a lot in various ways to overcome the distance (we were LDR for 2 years out of nearly 3 that we've been together). But I think I created some unnecessary problems as well, and thus exacerbated that.

 

Basically, we have had some pretty bad arguments in the past, two of which led to near-breakups. I won't delve into details here, because those are very complex and would require a LOT of words to explain fully, but lets just say that it was a culmination of circumstances and both of our peculiarities. Hurtful things were said, by him more than me - not abusive/insulting, but just hurtful.

 

I simply can't let go of some of them. Just a few days ago, he came back from work and held me and excitedly told me how he had planned a pamper weekend for me during our last week at his rural posting. It was so sweet. I told and showed him so. But I had also been thinking about it for days, and I just had to ask him why he had said (certain hurtful things) during our last big argument about a month ago, and what he had meant by them, and how it had made me feel. You could literally see his facial expression drop.

 

Now, I am thinking about something that he had said during that conversation. It never ends, does it? I think I'm putting too much stock into words. He doesn't think words, especially words said during arguments, should be analyzed all over and thought about all the time and made into absolutes. I think that's a healthier way to deal with arguments. But how do I stop?

 

I feel I need to be able to separate 'real issues' from 'issues in my head due to something he said'. Should I really be bringing up stuff from arguments long past when at this current moment, his actions are making me happy? I usually write in a journal when the urge strikes, instead of steamrolling him with it. It works a little... but I think that's just suppressing the problem, not really solving it. I am still overthinking... I'm just burdening him less with it.

 

It's not that I have nothing to do, even. I have many hobbies and goals - I could do with more friends, but that's easier said than done when I've just only relocated to a new country. It's just that once I fixate on something, I can't get it out of my head. 'Take a walk' - yeah, right. The last time I tried, I took a 2-hour walk and was thinking about the issue almost the whole time, although catching sight of some newly-hatched birds near the end perked my mood up considerably. From my experience, only addiction works. The last time I had this problem in a previous relationship, I threw myself into a very fast-paced and thought-intensive and addiction-causing video game and everything became okay. I don't think this is the most constructive way of doing things.

[Katherineos123]

Els, you have described, to a T, my own thought processes... and its kinda freaky. Get out of my head!

 

Its not that I particularly fight too much with my man, but I have to constantly remind myself to learn to not sweat the small stuff so much...

 

For example, the other night, my brother was in town with his girlfriend, so myself and the guy Im currently seeing, watched a movie with them on Saturday night... As we were going to bed, my guy looked at me and kinda sighed a little and rolled his eyes slightly. Which I understood as him being irritated about spending time with them. Which upset me. When I brought it up, he told me that he was just tired, and wanted to go to bed.. But I harped on it.

 

Both you and I have to actively learn to pick and chose our battles. Obviously your boyfriend loves you very much, he plans weekends for you, he gets excited to see you, and yet, you bring up issues which should have been long since resolved... Which leaves you back at square one.

 

Theres always SOME sort of spiral of negativity or imposed threats you can get sucked into... It is always going to be there... this is a form of obsession, intrusive thoughts, with the compulsion being the "talks" your bf is getting so sick of. It seems a form of OCD, and maybe it should be treated as such, through learning new and helathy coping mechanisms.

 

Live in the now, and TRULY appreciate the good times when they are good, hash out the bad times when they occur, but leave them there, and dont look back.

Edited October 14, 2010 by Katherineos123

[Els]

Heh, Katherine, glad to see I'm not THAT abnormal. I have to run in a bit, so I can't give your reply the well thought-out answer that it deserves. I can only say: I wish it were as easy as that. Small things I can brush away. But certain things said during arguments, when interpreted or seen in a certain way, could potentially mean very bad things about the relationship. I'll try to leave an example in a later post.

[Els]

Right, I'm back. Basically, the things said and the person presented during arguments is a completely different person from the bf that I know - it's a selfish, irrational bastard who can't be bothered about our relationship. He always turns around after, but it happened. And I don't know how to stop that 1% from haunting and hurting me, even though the other 99% of the time is really good.

 

How did you stop the downward spiral?

[that girl]

This seems really complicated.

 

When we have a very heated, or emotional, or serious discussion, I find myself thinking about every possible nuance and implication of every single thing the bf said during the discussion... up to several weeks later. I find myself wondering, "Did he mean x when he said this? Or did he mean y? Or was it really because of z?" Now, the obvious answer is, "Just ask him!" Occasionally I do, but remember here that asking would start another serious relationship discussion. And if I were to bring up every single one of those thoughts to him, even if I did it in the nicest way (ie "Hey, I was just wondering what you meant when you said x?"), there would be discussion probably every other day. And I don't think anybody would want or deserve that.

This to me is a little crazy. To be mulling over an argument months later and fixate on a specific phrase? I need things to be resolved within a few days of a fight and I can't think of a time when I held on to a couple of words for months.

 

The closest parallel I can think of from my own life is when I stayed with a friend for a few days in another city. It turned out that we had very different expectations and we got into a minor fight. There was no name calling, it basically was about me wanting to leave a party early because I had to leave at 5am the next morning and she didn't want to leave or give me the key. This didn't work for me and I eventually convinced her to leave with me, but we were both annoyed and felt the other person was out of line. I left thinking "This is someone I should never live with or travel with" but to me, that was the end of it. Months later, she brought it up again, needing resolution and the friendship ended because of it. Our ways of dealing with conflict were just way too different.

 

So that's where I'm coming from and what I thought of when I first read your post.

 

But this is a whole different situation

 

Basically, the things said and the person presented during arguments is a completely different person from the bf that I know - it's a selfish, irrational bastard who can't be bothered about our relationship. He always turns around after, but it happened. And I don't know how to stop that 1% from haunting and hurting me, even though the other 99% of the time is really good.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend does not know how to fight fair. Now I'm not sure if you are part of the problem or if you are oversensitive, but fights shouldn't generally haunt you.

 

I think you need to do some searching about your own communication style and any possible triggers that really upset you. And then try to calmly discuss how you both can handle fights better. I'm not sure how old you are or how long term the relationship is, but some short term couples counselling might not be a bad idea.

[Els]

That_girl,

 

Thanks for your reply. I don't want to reveal exactly what was said during the fight, because I have somewhat succeeded in forgetting a lot of it by now, and don't want to dig it all up again. But basically, the last one (that's still affecting me a month later) was a huge one, probably one of the Top 3 in the 2.5+ years that we've been together, and it spiraled into a near-breakup. He had a bad day in which I could literally see his mood dropping to the point where he was snapping at everything, and unfortunately he also got under my skin, and the argument started. He was basically saying that the relationship was just a huge burden on him and brought him no happiness whatsoever (drama speak)... and that he didn't care about the fact that 3 months ago I'd just moved to his country to end our LDR. After trying to logically explain to him how most of the burdens were really self-created by himself and his own expectations of himself, and that it HAD brought him happiness as evidenced by occasions A, B, C, and D (to which he stubbornly answers, "Well, at least if you're gone I'll know that I'm the one creating the burdens instead of you and I can live with that (?!) and I may have been happy then but I'm not now (?!) so the happiness then means nothing to me (!?) etc")... I finally gave up and told him through tears that if that was really what he wanted, fine, give me 10 minutes to get out of his place and he never needed to see me again. He went quiet for a long time before he turned around and said (in a completely different voice and demeanour) that no, he did care, he did want me with him, he doesn't want me to leave, etc.

 

So yes, during that 1% of the time, he's pretty messed up. I understand that what he said then would have been a dealbreaker for most people. But you have to understand that the other 99% of the time, he's the kind of guy that most people only dream about. Treats me like a queen lots of the time, and yet we have mad passion even after 2.5 years, etc.

 

But for fear of derailing this topic, I think we should get back to the topic at hand - I also overanalyze way too much. That not only stems from the situation at hand, but also partially contributed to the situation. There are other, smaller things that he says that don't bug me as badly as the abovementioned argument, but still bug me more than they should.

 

For example, he says, "I feel that you should take the 1 year postgrad course in a separate state from me next year because it will be better for you, as it will be cheaper, you can complete it quicker than the 1.5 year course where I am, and you'll have the opportunity to live in a nicer city (all true)." That suddenly latches onto my mind the next day and I wonder, "Gosh, does that mean that distance only affects me and not him? Does that mean that during 2 years of our LD I was the only one missing him and not the other way around? And if that is the case, is it just because he handles distance better than I? Or is it because he just cares less? It's true that I was the one planning the entire move to be with him this year. But he is also supporting me financially out of his already-limited student budget to make the move possible. So that means that he does want me near, because why else would he do it? But..."

 

You get the point. I understand that it may be 'crazy' - which is exactly why I'm asking for help with it. Saying it 'sounds crazy' doesn't really help me stop it, to be honest.

Edited October 15, 2010 by Elswyth

[carhill]

OP, with over 18K posts, you probably feel I over-think things. Here, on LS, I often do. IRL, I *live* it, melding the work here and in MC into seamless feelings and behaviors. I don't analyze interactions. I feel them.

 

Now, planning a project, like building something or doing a remodel, for example, I definitely do over-think things. That's the engineer brain at work, visualizing all possibilities. Can it sometimes paralyze? Sure, definitely. That's where having balanced relationships comes in. My best friend is a diver and doer. He just pushes forward. In that regard, we make a great team, with him moving forward and me handling the logistics. I think, in marital or BF/GF relationships, you can have this dynamic as well. A synergy of complimentary styles. The key is believing in each other.

 

My best advice wrt over-thinking? Acceptance. Accept things as they are. It's OK. That doesn't mean to let those things rule you, but psychologically accept them in neutral emotional state.

[tigressA]

Oh goodness I am so glad I read this thread. I am the exact same way! My BF always says that I "think too much" and that I can never just see things as they are. It is a problem with me. I have let little things about him and our relationship really bother me; I overthink them and make a mountain from a molehill, and we have a fight about it. Recently I have started trying to do what Carhill has posted--accept. Accept things as they are. Don't try to "figure it out".

[Allisha]

Oh goodness I am so glad I read this thread. I am the exact same way! My BF always says that I "think too much" and that I can never just see things as they are. It is a problem with me. I have let little things about him and our relationship really bother me; I overthink them and make a mountain from a molehill, and we have a fight about it. Recently I have started trying to do what Carhill has posted--accept. Accept things as they are. Don't try to "figure it out".

 

Is it really rude that I thought of you first when I read this thread?

 

*hides*

[Els]

OP, with over 18K posts, you probably feel I over-think things. Here, on LS, I often do. IRL, I *live* it, melding the work here and in MC into seamless feelings and behaviors. I don't analyze interactions. I feel them.

 

Now, planning a project, like building something or doing a remodel, for example, I definitely do over-think things. That's the engineer brain at work, visualizing all possibilities. Can it sometimes paralyze? Sure, definitely. That's where having balanced relationships comes in. My best friend is a diver and doer. He just pushes forward. In that regard, we make a great team, with him moving forward and me handling the logistics. I think, in marital or BF/GF relationships, you can have this dynamic as well. A synergy of complimentary styles. The key is believing in each other.

 

My best advice wrt over-thinking? Acceptance. Accept things as they are. It's OK. That doesn't mean to let those things rule you, but psychologically accept them in neutral emotional state.

 

Oh goodness I am so glad I read this thread. I am the exact same way! My BF always says that I "think too much" and that I can never just see things as they are. It is a problem with me. I have let little things about him and our relationship really bother me; I overthink them and make a mountain from a molehill, and we have a fight about it. Recently I have started trying to do what Carhill has posted--accept. Accept things as they are. Don't try to "figure it out".

 

I wish I could 'accept', really I do. Unfortunately, I am a 'fighter' and a 'fixer'. I don't believe in letting things happen as they may - if I want something or I think something needs to be fixed, I will fight to the end to do it. Honestly, I think if I had not been this way, we would still be LDR (or broken up, as a result of that). The odds against me managing to get to him might have seemed insurmountable to some. Whereas, as he has said, he is a 'coper'. He would rather endure suboptimal conditions for a prolonged period of time if he thinks nothing can be done about it, instead of spending a few days brainstorming all possibilities and manners of recourse. I, on the other hand, don't mind spending an entire hour brainstorming a decision if it even means that the next 24 hours would be more enjoyable for me (ie should I go on a particular trip?).

[carhill]

Pick your battles and pick your repair jobs. Hard-won wisdom, provided by an old fart

[Els]

How do you know where to draw the line between which repair jobs to pick, and which not to?

 

P.S. Quite frankly, you're possibly one of the wisest and most endearing old farts I've spoken to.

[tigressA]

You have to consider what you think you can live with and what you can't.

[carhill]

How do you know where to draw the line between which repair jobs to pick, and which not to?

For myself? TBH, when I get the strong feeling there will be a whole bunch of unhappy people, including myself, if I touch it, I walk away. Whether it be a thing or a person, it matters not. I once thought there was honor and dignity in slogging through no matter what, sacrificing much, but no more. Perhaps that is a pursuit for the young.

 

Regarding battles, my lawyer asked me 'If you had to pick one thing, and one thing only, to retain from this divorce, what would it be?'. I answered 'my ability to pursue my life work'. So, I stood hard and fast on matters which could have inhibited that goal, but gave much ground on other matters. For someone else, that answer might have been 'keep my children', or, etc, etc. The key was simplicity. Boil it down. Focus.

 

Lastly, I find that freeing my mind from the boundaries of organized, analytical thought allows me to see creative solutions which don't match the 'rules'. I was a 'rules' person for decades; very analytical, like my father was. Truth is, insanity (caring for my mom) had no real rules and whatever I thought was a rule changed the next minute. Those experiences are what changed my problem solving/rule-oriented nature to a more free flowing and creative thought process.

 

Your path is your own. You will likely find many meanders to it in your life. We make plans and then life happens. Ain't it grand?

[Els]

The mindset I am trying to go with now, is to live in the now. I'm trying to accept that nothing will ever be perfect, and that by striving too hard for it I'm only going to make my worst fears come true. So I'm trying to just enjoy each day as it comes, since any possible number of events could happen in the future to change everything anyway.

 

It's not easy.