Mela Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 I feel so completely and horribly lost right now. This is such a nightmare. My fiance and I were supposed to wed on April 30, 2011. We have been dating for two and a half years, and moved in together about six months ago. Things were rough at first for us living together, but I truly felt like we have moved past our issues and become such a strong, mature couple who had one another's backs. It's always been apparent to me that my fiance likes his porn just a little too much. I know that most guys look at it, but he would spend hours a day, multiple times a day, downloading thousands of videos and pictures to his computer. But everything else with him was so perfect...WE were so perfect together, that I told myself that it wasn't a big deal and that I could learn to live with it. About two months ago, he came to me and admitted that he has a porn addiction. This admittance was huge for me, since it's something I've always suspected, but that he's vehementely denied. He began going to see a therapist who specializes in sex addictions and trying to stop looking at porn so much. He was doing so good. I was thrilled that he was taking such positive, albeit difficult steps towards strengthening himself and our relationship. Then, last week, he got an email from a counselor at our university. She said that she had an urgent matter to discuss with him, and he went to meet with her. When he came home, he told me that a sexual harrasment charge had been brought against him by a girl in one of his classes. He said that the girl was mistakenly under the impression that my fiance was following her around campus, and freaked out and made a harassment charge against him. The story seemed a bit off to me, but he was my fiance, I loved him and didn't think he was capable of any kind of sexual harassment towards a girl. So I believed him. Too bad that story was a complete and utter lie. After feeling like things were off between us for this past week, I confronted him about what he was witholding from me. At first he got very defensive, saying that what had happened was none of my business and didn't concern me, and that he would tell me when he felt ready. I continued to press the issue until he broke down and told me the truth. In the past month or so, he has gone up behind at least three different girls who happened to be wearing skirts (that he's told me of), pretended to drop something or be tying his shoe, and use the camera on his cell phone to take a picture up the girl's skirt. God, even typing out the words makes me feel so horribly sick. He told me that he had been watching a lot of upskirt porn, and decided to take it to the next level, I suppose...I'm just so confused because for the past two months I've felt like he was doing such a wonderful job at overcoming his porn addiction, and then this just completely comes out of nowhere and knocks me flat on the ground. And the fact that he did it without the girls' consents, or even knowledge or what was being done...ugh. The girl in his class was one such case of his upskirt picture taking. Two other people in the class saw what he had done, and informed the girl of it, and she then filed a sexual harrasment charge against him. He is more than likely going to be expelled because of this. I left him this morning. I feel...I don't even know what I feel. Like everything for the past two and a half years has been a lie. Like I didn't even know WHO he was, or what kind of sick things he was capable of. That he was a sexual deviant. It terrifies me to think how close I was to marrying this man. And I'm so sad, so heartbroken over the loss of our relationship and everything good we were together. I think I'm still in a stage of shock at this point. I don't even know why I posted this. I'm not really asking for any kind of advice, I just...needed to tell my story, I guess.
livbylove22 Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 VI feel so completely and horribly lost right now. This is such a nightmare. My fiance and I were supposed to wed on April 30, 2011. We have been dating for two and a half years, and moved in together about six months ago. Things were rough at first for us living together, but I truly felt like we have moved past our issues and become such a strong, mature couple who had one another's backs. It's always been apparent to me that my fiance likes his porn just a little too much. I know that most guys look at it, but he would spend hours a day, multiple times a day, downloading thousands of videos and pictures to his computer. But everything else with him was so perfect...WE were so perfect together, that I told myself that it wasn't a big deal and that I could learn to live with it. About two months ago, he came to me and admitted that he has a porn addiction. This admittance was huge for me, since it's something I've always suspected, but that he's vehementely denied. He began going to see a therapist who specializes in sex addictions and trying to stop looking at porn so much. He was doing so good. I was thrilled that he was taking such positive, albeit difficult steps towards strengthening himself and our relationship. Then, last week, he got an email from a counselor at our university. She said that she had an urgent matter to discuss with him, and he went to meet with her. When he came home, he told me that a sexual harrasment charge had been brought against him by a girl in one of his classes. He said that the girl was mistakenly under the impression that my fiance was following her around campus, and freaked out and made a harassment charge against him. The story seemed a bit off to me, but he was my fiance, I loved him and didn't think he was capable of any kind of sexual harassment towards a girl. So I believed him. Too bad that story was a complete and utter lie. After feeling like things were off between us for this past week, I confronted him about what he was witholding from me. At first he got very defensive, saying that what had happened was none of my business and didn't concern me, and that he would tell me when he felt ready. I continued to press the issue until he broke down and told me the truth. In the past month or so, he has gone up behind at least three different girls who happened to be wearing skirts (that he's told me of), pretended to drop something or be tying his shoe, and use the camera on his cell phone to take a picture up the girl's skirt. God, even typing out the words makes me feel so horribly sick. He told me that he had been watching a lot of upskirt porn, and decided to take it to the next level, I suppose...I'm just so confused because for the past two months I've felt like he was doing such a wonderful job at overcoming his porn addiction, and then this just completely comes out of nowhere and knocks me flat on the ground. And the fact that he did it without the girls' consents, or even knowledge or what was being done...ugh. The girl in his class was one such case of his upskirt picture taking. Two other people in the class saw what he had done, and informed the girl of it, and she then filed a sexual harrasment charge against him. He is more than likely going to be expelled because of this. I left him this morning. I feel...I don't even know what I feel. Like everything for the past two and a half years has been a lie. Like I didn't even know WHO he was, or what kind of sick things he was capable of. That he was a sexual deviant. It terrifies me to think how close I was to marrying this man. And I'm so sad, so heartbroken over the loss of our relationship and everything good we were together. I think I'm still in a stage of shock at this point. I don't even know why I posted this. I'm not really asking for any kind of advice, I just...needed to tell my story, I guess. I think you did the right thing leaving him. He was caught doing something you couldn't even imagine him doing. Just think of what he hasn't been caught doing. I know you must be asking yourself whether or not to take him back because he's not well. Don't be fooled. Plus some of these men never recover.
johan Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 I'd be careful of any guy who makes watching pornography a priority. Sorry you got involved with such a bonehead. I agree you probably made a good choice. This guy is going to have trouble like this again and again.
Stung Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I'm really sorry for your pain and disappointment. You made the right decision, I can't imagine staying with a man so far gone into sexual delusion that he thought it was okay to cross those kinds of lines and disrespect live actual women that way. Good luck to you as you put your life back together and move forward. It is hard, but in time I think you will feel you are definitely better off, and hopefully you will meet a healthier man who respects women as human beings.
straycat99 Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I agree with all these people. The fact that he's acting on this fantasy in his early 20s indicates it will only get worse, or at least the urge to be so perverse and invasive will only get worse. It sucks that you have to go through the heartache of being without him, but you really HAVE to. You wouldn't want to have kids with someone like this, or even introduce them to your friends. He's a liability, it's advanced into a legal issue; it's a no brainer that you had to leave (and have to stay away for good).
dreamingoftigers Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 As a woman married to a sex addict just be glad you aren't. The grief becomes daily until it consumes your life. Find someone that bonds in a healthy way. Let the grief guide you to find something more positive. And no, his actions have nothing to do with anything you did and didn't do, or anything that you are or aren't.
painfullyobvious Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Be glad you found out now and not in May of 2011. Today he is taking pictures under women's skirts. Who knows what this current behavior will graduate into as time passes?
carhill Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Unfortunately, technology has brought us a long way from more innocent times. The Video Voyeurism Prevention Act of 2004 now provides sanctions against such actions when the victim believes they have a reasonable expectation of privacy. Your ex?-fiance was lucky that criminal charges under that statute weren't brought against him, in addition to sexual harassment. Can he change? Probably, but it will take effort and counseling. If he was otherwise a good and loving BF/fiance, I'd offer that option before totally writing him off. He made some poor choices and hopefully won't end up with a criminal record because of them. He can recover from that. Up to you what role you want to play, if any. My sympathies.
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