WTRanger Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 Well, yes indeed fellow LS'ers I'm back here again. Long story, but the short version is the girl that brought me to here in the first place, we didn't talk for many months and eventually we started talking again. During those many months, I had to move across the country due to losing my job and deciding to go back to school to get an advanced degree. Since there were so many miles now between us, it seemed like a friendly thing to talk again. As hard as I tried to walk the friend wire, deep down I knew what was happening though try as I might I felt I kept a good head about myself and her and what exactly we were. Flash forward to now. In a severe twist, well to me anyways, she got a new job at the same company most of my friends work at. Though, different building and different division. That also meant that she now lives in the same city as all of those friends. Long ago, I had planned to visit those friends during a break. When I found this out, I told her about it and she was extremely receptive at making plans. Simple plans really, just a cookout at my friends place. Solid plans, or at least I thought. I kept telling myself not to build this up, keep my head in reality and I felt I did as best I could. But, I hadn't seen her in well over a year, so of course I was excited about it. She ends up pulling a no-call, no-show, no-response, full blown fall off the face of the Earth move. I'm usually a level headed person, but I saw white with anger. I'm usually expecting to get stood up by some random internet date, but not someone that I've known for as long as her. Certianly not after flying across the country, taking time, and spending money, so it's not like I drove a few minutes to the local coffee shop to get stood up. I am lost for words on why someone would do this. Up to that point, we had been in solid and very open contact. I know what I need to do, but not having anything solid to understand why she did what she did is probably the most painful thing of all. I mean, I know the fact she didn't show should be solid enough, but there's no reason for that. It's like, can't I just call her a c*ck-sucking c*nt and at least know that she dropped me for that? Like anyone, I really pushed for an answer, a reason, anything! No response from her what so ever. I know it's time to delete her from my life for good this time, but this is the first time that I've had to do it without the classic fight or actual tangible reason for doing this. I'm not sending the final message or even the f*ck you email which takes everything she ever confided in me about her fears, past and insecurities and turn them against her. As much as I want to do that, that would give her an out. Sure, I would feel better short term, but I'd regret it. I'm also not going to let her ruin a great city that my closest friends live in. It sucks more than anything I have ever experienced, but having been on LS for over a year I at least know how better to handle it and who to turn to. I'm still in stage 2 anger, so I'll need to use LS to get through stage 3 bargaining.
Fouts Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 It never works. Going back 'n forth only hurts worse the next time. Sorry to hear, just try to stay away from it. Lots of chicks out there.
USMCHokie Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I hate to see you back for this season, WTRanger, but you have a good head on your shoulders...this isn't your first rodeo, so I'm sure you know what it's all about...it's just a matter of time before the dust settles and you're right where you want to be again... But this is certainly a clear reflection of her character...one that you are better off without in your life...regardless if it's platonic or romantic...
Audieme Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I'm not sending the final message or even the f*ck you email which takes everything she ever confided in me about her fears, past and insecurities and turn them against her. As much as I want to do that, that would give her an out. Sure, I would feel better short term, but I'd regret it. I'm also not going to let her ruin a great city that my closest friends live in. Very wise WTRanger and also very hard to do, I give you props. Reading what she did to you, I'm sure you could punch a whole in the wall with your anger; and frankly, that's probably what SHE expects as well. She expects you to be angry, that you'll send her nasty texts or emails, or she'll hear you've been trashing her through mutual friends, etc. She did a horrendous thing, she should expect this. However, the best way to react (in my opinion) is to do what she DOESN'T EXPECT which is...nothing. Want to throw her for a loop? Do nothing. Want to make her curious? Do nothing. Want to make her think that it wasn't a big deal to you after all (even though it very much was)? Do nothing. It's the hardest thing to do in the world because then we have to figure a way to vent and release the anger toward something other than the person who 100% DESERVES IT. I hope you find a healthy way to deal with your anger and disappointment WTRanger, it sucks what happened to you.
D-Lish Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I'm not sending the final message or even the f*ck you email which takes everything she ever confided in me about her fears, past and insecurities and turn them against her. As much as I want to do that No harm whatsoever in writing it down in a letter that you don't send though, such an endeavour might actually be cathartic for you. If nothing else, her behaviour is your last straw- never reach out to her again. This might bother you for a bit, but it's a drop in the bucket compared to the actual break up- remember that. You've gone through the grief already, and as much as this takes you back to square one momentarily- it will pass quickly because you've already done the hard part.
Author WTRanger Posted October 14, 2010 Author Posted October 14, 2010 (edited) I did let her know that I was completely let down and angered by what happened, but I kept my cool as much as I could. I didn't go into insulting her. I just said what I needed to say and let her know that what she did was deplorable and that there's no way she'd want that done to her. I did that the night it happened, and that's the last of it. The hardest part is that there's nothing. Not even a wild ass excuse like her telling me her hemorrhoids were acting up so she couldn't make it, or something total BS like that. The silent treatment hurts far worse and it's a struggle not to really cry for attention. But to me, the more silent she goes the more it seems to me she's well aware she screwed up but she just doesn't want to face it. My dog does the same thing when she chews something up. I won't see her for the whole day, then I find a chewed towel hidden somewhere. Whatever the reason, I've got to stop thinking about it. Problem is, I'm a solver by nature. This is one problem I cannot solve. I've got this sick feeling that she's going to try to re-enter my life just when I'm almost in the clear. Thing is, this time I've got to remember how awful I felt for that night and the long plane flight home. Though, I did use a tip that I picked up over the last year dealing with her previous disappearing act and wrote down all of the great things that happened on that trip with my real friends. That way, I don't let this one small event by some selfish person ruin what really was a good time. I just don't get the silent treatment in this case, but I know I have to accept it. I don't need to understand it to accept it. Edited October 14, 2010 by WTRanger
Fouts Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Some people never offer a reason or excuse. Usually because it's just a poor one. There's nothing to figure out, she just doesn't have alot of character or integrity at her core level.
Author WTRanger Posted October 14, 2010 Author Posted October 14, 2010 One of the biggest struggles is shifting my image of her. Obviously, she wasn't at all like this for most of the time I've known her so I'm looking for excuses for her behavior and realistically there are none. If I can see her for who she is now, then I'll easily drop her like a hot sack of rocks. But, I still keep thinking of the person before all of this. It's like in poker when your opponent throws in a better hand than you. There's nothing you can do. You can't will your cards to change. You've just got to toss in your hand and surrender your chips. Of course, it's easier to write than to put into action.
swfc_77 Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 you speak some wise words mate, im in the same kind of boat at the minute. i moved on and she pulled me back when i was just about over her. i dont know why they do it, they must think because your doing different things or looking different you might be a different person, but your not your still the person they left back whenever.
Author WTRanger Posted October 14, 2010 Author Posted October 14, 2010 Yes, but like alot of us LS'ers, speaking and doing are two different monsters. My head knows what to do, my heart wants to try to fix things.
strangeways Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 What Fouts said. Lack of integrity, character, compassion, love for themselves. Some people are just a***holes. Doesn't matter what the reasons are. Any reason or excuse is meaningless. Heart over head? Can't fix others, only yourself. I've struggled with this lately. No easy solution. It's a battle. I think my head is winning, but my heart may counter attack. We'll see. Stay strong, realise you worth, f**k her. You know you're better than that, and she's worth less than nothing.
strangeways Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Sorry, for not adding this in. You created the image not her, it's down you to realise the image YOU have is not HER. Ditch the image and look at her actions. Is she really the person you thought she was? Doubt it. My ex was a shining light of loveliness. Actually, she's an emotional wreck with a sackfull of crazy that I can't deal with. Go figure.
Pink_orchid Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 (edited) Sorry this has happened to you my friend WTR... and others. I nearly called you WTF (that would be very appropriate regarding how I am feeling lol). You're not alone. I was interested in the point where you said you're a solver, me too, I think I always try to understand... but sometimes you just can't... or it's bloody difficult... I have just had this same thing happen... or similar... in a nutshell here it is: July 2010, guy pursued me..is single..very attentive..very kind..real spark..very attractive.. two dates, good time.. slept together.. couldn't continue.. he not ready.. but he still texting me.. and when I see him he is talking.. smiling.. offering to help with things.. a few weeks of this... I really like him.. but tired of his indecision.. then he back with ex.. me thinks end of story... but he still smiling, friendly, talkative, ever helpful.. even came round to my house to help me with something he had knowledge of - totally by his instigation, he almost invited himself... but still no further forward despite the lingering stares from him.. so by this point.. sadly.. I have given up on him!! But last week he turns up.. really sorry.. regretted messing me about.. going to finish with ex.. talked about our feelings for eachother.. saying would be nice to get together and stuff... he said he would LOVE to have another chance with me.. a couple of days of texting... he asked if he could come round and see me... and THEN, ex/current girlfriend is suddenly pregnant.. he can't do it anymore.. (AGAIN) really sorry, can I leave him alone... it's best... can't do it... ok I think... oh well that's it... over.. get annoyed with him, told him he is a w***... for messing me about... then I'm sorry for getting annoyed and say so... says he wants to come to see me.. wants to talk... does not know what to say.. confused... thinks we should just be friends... texts me all the time yesterday.. why won't I text him back he says... me wondering if he's going to shift again.. and I am unsure...I said I am not sure what to do.. I don't know whether to carry on with this. So I leave him hanging on a text, and I wait 24 hours to reply, but I did text him today and tell him my doubts but I said let's talk, I think we need to, and I do really like you... but I really don't know where this is going, what do you want... no reply... so I text him again... saying look I really like you but this is so messed up... what do you want to do... do you want to talk... grab a coffee, a beer later, still I get no reply... so I sent another text saying are you all right, why won't you talk to me (bear in mind he texted me non stop last night saying talk to me talk to me). Still no reply, I sent one more saying I am looking for love, I could feel that for you, but I can't do anything if you won't talk to me?? I get a text back saying stop texting me, leave me alone, you're doing my head in, you've done my head in all afternoon, he says I don't want to know you??!! Please do not text me or contact me...Work that one out. I hope you find a nice girl and I find a nice guy. We will. 2010 hasn't been my greatest year. But live in hope and be positive. Forgot to add... told this guy how hurt I'd been by my relationship with a married guy (see my original thread from March 2010) and I that I saw this guy last week (married one) and I was finding it difficult as I still liked him, and he couldn't have been sweeter and more compassionate... you're better than that, better than him he said... now he's gone and hurt me big time just a few days later??!! Edited October 14, 2010 by Pink_orchid added a bit on
WSeeker Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I wonder why would you fly to another country to see an ex girlfriend. If she wants to see you she should come to you. I think you have feelings toward her. Ex girlfriends are nothing but trouble, believe me ive been there. OK,so you put quite a bit of effort in seeing her and you were stood up. Delete her from your life, stop thinking about her, dont answer emails. All lessons in life do have their price, and you've just paid it. Question is, have you learned anything from the lesson that you paid. And if you want revenge this is the greatest revenge.
kaycstamper Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Revenge doesn't work as it poisons you instead of them. If you want to get it out, write it down and then burn it. It sounds like she either wasn't serious about seeing you, you were just a timepasser to her, or she got cold feet, perhaps was afraid of seeing you...afraid of her own response to you? Either way, it'd be better to have someone mature enough to handle herself in a more acceptable way. Instead of focusing on her, try to continue on with your life as you had in the last year, seeing friends, working, being busy, etc. It'll all work out for the best in the end and eventually we heal.
Author WTRanger Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 I wonder why would you fly to another country to see an ex girlfriend. If she wants to see you she should come to you. I think you have feelings toward her. Ex girlfriends are nothing but trouble, believe me ive been there. OK,so you put quite a bit of effort in seeing her and you were stood up. Delete her from your life, stop thinking about her, dont answer emails. All lessons in life do have their price, and you've just paid it. Question is, have you learned anything from the lesson that you paid. And if you want revenge this is the greatest revenge. I flew out across the US to see my friends that live out there, she just happened to have just moved there so we made plans for the final day I was there. So, thankfully this happened at the tail end of the trip. In a way, I'm glad it went the way it did. I faced a fear. I was wondering how I would react if I saw her again after well over a year. I was wondering if I could handle going out there to see my friends and if I would spend the time thinking about her. I have my answers to all of those. Certain answers weren't exactly what I was looking for, but I'm not sorry for making the trip.
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