jen_r Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 Ok I just need to vent, want a little bit of opinion, and just some insight! Boyfriend and I (been together 2 years, both 26) had a rocky start to this year, off and on and I moved out of our apartment. I begged and pleaded to get back with him every time he broke up with me. So, our latest (and seemingly final) breakup was over a really dumb fight. I spent the weekend at his house. Come monday, I didnt get a good morning text - fine, whatever. But then I noticed he was being a little distant and suddenly quiet. So I texted, asked what was wrong, a FEW times because I don't take "nothing" as a proper answer, when obivously something is up. So, 2 days later I call him and hes wasted and acts like a complete @$$ to me on the phone and hangs up on me. I say "that is unacceptable behavior, we are both supposed to be changing our attitudes, I want an apology or you can forget about us". He says he will not apologize unless I apologize for nagging aka asking why he was being quiet. ....is this not the stupidest thing you've ever heard?? So, boom, things blow up and we are o-v-e-r. Anyways.. I'm extremely confused. I love this person and I dislike him so much at the same time. And I wonder, why do I love him? Why do I love someone who throws me away like trash so effortlessly. I want to just let it go and forget about him but everytime - I just think i'm not going to feel that connection with someone again. Im not going to feel so at ease with another person like that again. I mean, I've never loved anyone before and I've never trusted anyone before and I can honestly say I love this person with all my heart and I would love to spend the rest of my life with him if we could learn how to fight like normal people! I do not think any other guy could replace him or make me as happy as he did (used to). Do you think you only have ONE real TRUE love in your life? and that you just settle for the rest? Can someone here just tell me about their first real love and how they let go when they didn't want to.
climbergirl Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Hi Jen, I meant to respond to this yesterday...ironic because I had close to the same thread title almost two years back. Situation was somewhat the same. Back and forth, break up/make up. Mine went on for over 5 years. Yes, I did love him and hate him at the same time. I, too, couldn't understand if there was this 'great' love how he could break up time and time again. And it was mostly me who brought us back together. We even were married, but just for 5 months before he wanted a divorce. And we even got back together after the divorce and were together until this past Jan. I thought we were meant to be together because we loved each other, right? Good times were great, but bad times were awful. I thought the same thing as you...if we could only learn to fight in a constructive manner than we would be 'ok'. In retrospect, it would never be ok. I learned that although you may really love someone, it doesn't mean that the two of you were meant to be together. Love is there, but the dynamics are explosive. I was constantly on a pendulum of very happy----->very depressed. The stonewalling/silent treatment from him was the worst. I would go for months without hearing from him. He initiated nc and stuck with it. And although it was depressing for about a month, I'm very grateful that he did stick with it. He turned out to be the wiser of the two of us when it came to our future together. He pulled the plug permanently and rightfully so. A few months later I met someone else. I wasn't even looking for a relationship, just someone to hike/camp with. I've been with him ever since and you know what? I was wrong. The man before him was not my 'true' love. It was just too hard, too contentious. I just don't think that your man is your true love. I know for a fact that you can have everything that you love about this man with another---just so much more. What your bf is doing is totally disrespectful to your relationship, and from my experience that just won't change. My bf and I are inseparable, have so much fun, laugh and when we do have an argument it only lasts a short time. We don't even get angry because we want the same thing...to make the other happy and to remain happy together. I remember telling him about the silent treatment I used to get and he promised me that he would never do that as it serves no purpose. He's kept that promise. I'm just saying that you need to evaluate if this is what you want out of your relationship...can you live your life with him the way it is now?
Author jen_r Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Hi Jen, I meant to respond to this yesterday...ironic because I had close to the same thread title almost two years back. Situation was somewhat the same. Back and forth, break up/make up. Mine went on for over 5 years. Yes, I did love him and hate him at the same time. I, too, couldn't understand if there was this 'great' love how he could break up time and time again. And it was mostly me who brought us back together. We even were married, but just for 5 months before he wanted a divorce. And we even got back together after the divorce and were together until this past Jan. I thought we were meant to be together because we loved each other, right? Good times were great, but bad times were awful. I thought the same thing as you...if we could only learn to fight in a constructive manner than we would be 'ok'. In retrospect, it would never be ok. I learned that although you may really love someone, it doesn't mean that the two of you were meant to be together. Love is there, but the dynamics are explosive. I was constantly on a pendulum of very happy----->very depressed. The stonewalling/silent treatment from him was the worst. I would go for months without hearing from him. He initiated nc and stuck with it. And although it was depressing for about a month, I'm very grateful that he did stick with it. He turned out to be the wiser of the two of us when it came to our future together. He pulled the plug permanently and rightfully so. I just don't think that your man is your true love. I know for a fact that you can have everything that you love about this man with another---just so much more. What your bf is doing is totally disrespectful to your relationship, and from my experience that just won't change. I'm just saying that you need to evaluate if this is what you want out of your relationship...can you live your life with him the way it is now? Like I said I am severly confused. I go back in forth in my mind all day long. He's the one for me, he doesn't derserve me, I need him, I need a man who respects my feelings....etc.No, I don't think I could live my life with him the way things are now. I just don't understand why they can't change?? He called me today after ignoring me yesterday to say "Jen, what do you not understand? I don't want to be with you anymore, you need to move on. I want you out of my life, and that is final." And I'm just like, wait, not even a month ago you wrote me an email from Europe while on vaca saying "I've realized I love you so so much and I miss you. I see what its like to not be able to talk to you or see you when I want and I don't want that." HOW does your mind change so f**king quickly??? So, how did you let go? How did you come to grips with him moving on? Replacing you with someone other woman. It kills me to even think about. He is very good with NC (as your ex was) and I can see him cutting me out from this day on without a problem. I just don't know how to accept that the man I love with every inch of my heart is gone. I can't see him, touch him, kiss him, talk to him... By the way this is my first real breakup, my first real love. So, is that why its harder? Or is it because I truly love this person and we're supposed to be together?
Billie The Puppet Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 All negative words speak truth from the time they are said, All positive words mean nothing, only actions mean a thing.
amy12344 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I'm going through something similar... it appears to be easy for him to let go and move on but it's devastating to me. We've had probably three or four occasions where it was OVER, and I think I was the one that brought us back each time... giving in... apologizing... etc. I've had moments of pure happiness knowing I want to grow old with this person... and moments of crying for hours in the bedroom because I feel neglected, rejected, etc. and deserving of SO much more. Opposite ends of the spectrum, all in one relationship. I do have to say THIS to you though - you are only 26, I GUARANTEE you will find this connection again. If he is actually saying things like, "what do you not understand? I don't want to be with you anymore, you need to move on. I want you out of my life, and that is final." ... then take EVERY OUNCE of strength you have and move on...
Author jen_r Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 I'm going through something similar... it appears to be easy for him to let go and move on but it's devastating to me. We've had probably three or four occasions where it was OVER, and I think I was the one that brought us back each time... giving in... apologizing... etc. I've had moments of pure happiness knowing I want to grow old with this person... and moments of crying for hours in the bedroom because I feel neglected, rejected, etc. and deserving of SO much more. Opposite ends of the spectrum, all in one relationship. I do have to say THIS to you though - you are only 26, I GUARANTEE you will find this connection again. If he is actually saying things like, "what do you not understand? I don't want to be with you anymore, you need to move on. I want you out of my life, and that is final." ... then take EVERY OUNCE of strength you have and move on... I don't think I will ever let go and part of the reason is due to the fact that I won't let myself. Because then - it is real. I feel stupid for still trying to get him to talk to me and asking him to meet with me after all that he has said to me. But, I desperately want to meet with him and talk with him and ask him why he hates me so much when I love him so much. But, he says he doesnt want to waste anymore time on me and wont give me the time of day. I just really want to hear stories of how you guys "let go"...how do you LET GO of someone who means the world to you?
TaraMaiden Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Let me ask you something: You think you have a choice? "Life is a terminal disease - nobody gets out alive." I know he's not dead or dying - but he might as well be, because breaking up is as close as you can get to devastating bereavement, without someone actually dying. The pain is as difficult to cope with - more, really, because they're still there.... At one point or another, you will have to let go' of other loved ones. My parents live abroad. I'm flying out there this weekend, because my father is not expected to survive for too much longer. He's extremely elderly, and weakening by the hour....In fact, I may even be too late.... At one point or another, you too will have to release your 'hold' on Life, itself. You never know when that release will be necessary, but this is for sure: there will be no choice. We have to 'Let Go'. because to hold on, does nothing for us but to prolong the agony, and twist the knife deeper. And it's us doing it; nobody else..... Letting go safeguards your peace of Mind and serenity. Holding on is futile, self-defeating and inhibiting. While you hold off letting go, you perpetuate and prolong your own grief. I hope your aching heart, eases soon.
Idalis Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 You say you've never trusted anyone before, and it doesn't sound like you trust him. If he doesn't text you one morning you freak out that something is wrong.. that is not trust. And its no wonder since he's tried to break up with you several times. I went through something very similiar when I was about 20 yrs old, it took me a long time to trust someone .. to REALLY trust someone, all b/c of that "relationship". With my current bf It took me almost a year to get to the point where I know for a fact we're in this together, even if we're busy and we cant talk all day or whatever I still feel very secure. So, yes, you can find someone else, and yes it will be one million times better b/c this person is not in the relationship with you. He's stated he wants out. I'm not even saying it cant be him that you end up with. But you definitely need to work on yourself. No one likes being nagged, I sure don't. You need to build up your confidence, and unfortunately he's the one thats broken it down. Why don't you take the break up for what it is... a break up, and try to move on. He might even miss you.. but if he doesn't there is someone else out there who will respect you and love you the way we all deserve to be treated. You are 26, you are young enough to start over, but old enough to know better!! I wish you luck!
Author jen_r Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Let me ask you something: You think you have a choice? "Life is a terminal disease - nobody gets out alive." I know he's not dead or dying - but he might as well be, because breaking up is as close as you can get to devastating bereavement, without someone actually dying. The pain is as difficult to cope with - more, really, because they're still there.... At one point or another, you will have to let go' of other loved ones. My parents live abroad. I'm flying out there this weekend, because my father is not expected to survive for too much longer. He's extremely elderly, and weakening by the hour....In fact, I may even be too late.... At one point or another, you too will have to release your 'hold' on Life, itself. You never know when that release will be necessary, but this is for sure: there will be no choice. We have to 'Let Go'. because to hold on, does nothing for us but to prolong the agony, and twist the knife deeper. And it's us doing it; nobody else..... Letting go safeguards your peace of Mind and serenity. Holding on is futile, self-defeating and inhibiting. While you hold off letting go, you perpetuate and prolong your own grief. I hope your aching heart, eases soon. Ah, you know, I don't have an easy time with "change". I hate that I don't have control over things. But you are right, I don't have a choice in the matter because I can't force him to be with me. You say you've never trusted anyone before, and it doesn't sound like you trust him. If he doesn't text you one morning you freak out that something is wrong.. that is not trust. And its no wonder since he's tried to break up with you several times. I went through something very similiar when I was about 20 yrs old, it took me a long time to trust someone .. to REALLY trust someone, all b/c of that "relationship". With my current bf It took me almost a year to get to the point where I know for a fact we're in this together, even if we're busy and we cant talk all day or whatever I still feel very secure. So, yes, you can find someone else, and yes it will be one million times better b/c this person is not in the relationship with you. He's stated he wants out. I'm not even saying it cant be him that you end up with. But you definitely need to work on yourself. No one likes being nagged, I sure don't. You need to build up your confidence, and unfortunately he's the one thats broken it down. Why don't you take the break up for what it is... a break up, and try to move on. He might even miss you.. but if he doesn't there is someone else out there who will respect you and love you the way we all deserve to be treated. You are 26, you are young enough to start over, but old enough to know better!! I wish you luck! I trusted him in the sense that I never believed he would cheat and didn't question whether he was lieing about certain topics. My trust got weak with the constant break-ups. So when he got quiet - I figured he must be getting ready to do it again. Whether he was or wasn't - I made it happen with my "nagging". I hope you are right that I will find someone who will treat me right and with love. It still gets to me that J couldn't be that person because I so badly wanted/want him to. I just know I have a long road ahead of me. I can't even escape him in my dreams...I really friggin hope I have the strength for this because right now it seems slim. :/
kaycstamper Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Ask yourself if you are more upset over the loss of him persae or upset that you've been broken up with/rejected. It sounds like you both have some maturing to do, which isn't surprising because you're still young. I'd focus on making myself the best person I could be and then when the next relationship happens along, be more ready for it.
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