Windblue Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 As I put in my last post, I just wanted people to read my post and not give any snard remarks...However, posting in the forum that Im in, I should expect it...I really need someone to help me understand what the hell is going on. Please I know there are OW out there, who can give me some kind of advise or has been down this road and can tell me what to do. I think this will be short. I've almost been with my mm for a year now. He now stays with me, however his attitude is different some how. I mean I still get crush calls, and flowers. Our sex life is somewhat non-existant as we don't feel comfortable sleeping together like that. (yes, it's happened a few times) . He says he's been kicked out, yet hasn't gone to pick up his things yet(I find this odd). He's buying new things in stead of getting his old things...he hasn't closed out the situation over there, and even though he's with me all the time (most time). I feel like he still has that door open, and can leave at any time. I have not discussed the option to see other people, b/c we R staying together. But what is happening here OW. Pls tell me. I guess I should be happy...and I was for a while..but guilt is surrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre kicking my butt. Does anyone know why he hasn't gone to get his things? that's doesn't make any sense to me. Thank you for ANY replies I receive, being that I didn't want replies before.
2sure Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 His wife threw him out of the house because she found out he was having an affair. He did not want to leave and so has not taken his things, hoping to get back in. He is staying with you either because he has no where else to go or because he doesnt want anyone to know she threw him out, or because he cannot afford other accommodations. It is bizarre and quite telling that rather than get his things he chooses to buy new. He either has not told her he is staying with you, or has told her that you are a "friend" , or has told her he is in a motel. Thats why he doesnt get his things. Since she apparently is not throwing out his things...she may also be being told that he will do anything at all to save the marriage and move back in. But since he is with you, that probably wont work out for long anyway. If I were you, just to preserve my sanity I would tell him: I am happy to continue seeing you however it is clearly not the right time for us to be living together. See what he comes up.
QueenVictoria Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 As I put in my last post, I just wanted people to read my post and not give any snard remarks...However, posting in the forum that Im in, I should expect it...I really need someone to help me understand what the hell is going on. Please I know there are OW out there, who can give me some kind of advise or has been down this road and can tell me what to do. I think this will be short. I've almost been with my mm for a year now. He now stays with me, however his attitude is different some how. I mean I still get crush calls, and flowers. Our sex life is somewhat non-existant as we don't feel comfortable sleeping together like that. (yes, it's happened a few times) . He says he's been kicked out, yet hasn't gone to pick up his things yet(I find this odd). He's buying new things in stead of getting his old things...he hasn't closed out the situation over there, and even though he's with me all the time (most time). I feel like he still has that door open, and can leave at any time. I have not discussed the option to see other people, b/c we R staying together. But what is happening here OW. Pls tell me. I guess I should be happy...and I was for a while..but guilt is surrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre kicking my butt. Does anyone know why he hasn't gone to get his things? that's doesn't make any sense to me. Thank you for ANY replies I receive, being that I didn't want replies before. Why are you not having sex ? ¿
Author Windblue Posted October 13, 2010 Author Posted October 13, 2010 though I am attracted to him, a lot of this has caused me not to be intimate. I do feel guilty, because his other life has not been finished, ended, settled. I love him, and he has most times shown that he has no relationship with her (his wife). We've been together for a while now, and she has harrased either of us about where her man is...just where the money is for bills. (in past posts) but, anyway, until it has been ended, really ended...I will feel totally confortable being intimate with him.
Spark1111 Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 His wife threw him out of the house because she found out he was having an affair. He did not want to leave and so has not taken his things, hoping to get back in. He is staying with you either because he has no where else to go or because he doesnt want anyone to know she threw him out, or because he cannot afford other accommodations. It is bizarre and quite telling that rather than get his things he chooses to buy new. He either has not told her he is staying with you, or has told her that you are a "friend" , or has told her he is in a motel. Thats why he doesnt get his things. Since she apparently is not throwing out his things...she may also be being told that he will do anything at all to save the marriage and move back in. But since he is with you, that probably wont work out for long anyway. If I were you, just to preserve my sanity I would tell him: I am happy to continue seeing you however it is clearly not the right time for us to be living together. See what he comes up. Wow...this rings so true..... and my texts were harassing about money because he had removed a large chunk of it from our joint account...and I demanded he return half of it, not all....just my half.... Hmmmm....I think this is good advice. No living together for now. See what comes up is a good idea. Look, this is a volatile situation and will be for awhile. I think you should disengage for a while....to save your own sanity.
Sexiness Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 His wife threw him out of the house because she found out he was having an affair. He did not want to leave and so has not taken his things, hoping to get back in. He is staying with you either because he has no where else to go or because he doesnt want anyone to know she threw him out, or because he cannot afford other accommodations. It is bizarre and quite telling that rather than get his things he chooses to buy new. He either has not told her he is staying with you, or has told her that you are a "friend" , or has told her he is in a motel. Thats why he doesnt get his things. Since she apparently is not throwing out his things...she may also be being told that he will do anything at all to save the marriage and move back in. But since he is with you, that probably wont work out for long anyway. If I were you, just to preserve my sanity I would tell him: I am happy to continue seeing you however it is clearly not the right time for us to be living together. See what he comes up. I definitely agree.... To start, I am the OW aswell in my situation...... I believe that u guys' A has run it's course and I think that the feelings have died down between U guys.... I think he hasn't moved his stuff out because he doesn't want to be tied down to u and he wants to have the freedom to move back whenever the time is right.... I may be way off target here.... But u know ur MM better than anyone one of us and u know what's going on, it's just up to u to pull the blindfolds "called love," back, and figure out what's going on with him
jennie-jennie Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 My friend did that when she left her husband. She left everything behind and bought new stuff. She didn't want to deal with him.
TurboGirl Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Agree with 2 sure and Sparks111. This happened to me with my MM many years ago (like 15) and he was with me for a few months (but I was having awesome sex the entire time at least!) secretly I found out he was going to counseling with wifey the entire time and did not tell me. And then the waffling started... back & forth & back & forth, I got tired of it and threw him out, told him to go home... still he called, and I was weak... beat the He** out of my self-esteem by the time I was finally ready to be done with all that mess. Suggest you follow 2sure's advice. It is STELLAR.
pureinheart Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 My friend did that when she left her husband. She left everything behind and bought new stuff. She didn't want to deal with him. I have seen this senario many times, also there are those that could care less about stuff and just find it easier to buy new stuff. Some just wanted new stuff, some wanted to leave the entire past behind as there were "reminders" and attachments in the "stuff". Now exDM LOVES his stuff, so he found a way to get her to leave so that he could be with his stuff (she wanted to leave anyway, so it wasn't real difficult). He loves his money too...I think it's funny (and makes me mad sometimes)...sooooo if MM is like exDM, then I might be a bit concerned, although if he is not attached to stuff then I'd let it go. I mean think about it this way, what can you do about it anyway...you can't make him love you and you can't make him not love you:)
2sure Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Wow, I have to say I am surprised some people dont find it unusual for someone to leave behind EVERYTHING you own. I mean, I can see if you are a college student and own like...a toaster and some clothing. But someone who was married, with a house, established...to leave EVERYTHING. ALL of your clothing, shoes, and coats. ALL of your photos, paperwork , documents, records. Unless it was a situation of physical abuse and getting out was more important than getting killed or harmed...I'd get my stuff. Even if not all of it. This man took NOTHING.
Confused4Now Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Wow, I have to say I am surprised some people dont find it unusual for someone to leave behind EVERYTHING you own. I mean, I can see if you are a college student and own like...a toaster and some clothing. But someone who was married, with a house, established...to leave EVERYTHING. ALL of your clothing, shoes, and coats. ALL of your photos, paperwork , documents, records. Unless it was a situation of physical abuse and getting out was more important than getting killed or harmed...I'd get my stuff. Even if not all of it. This man took NOTHING.HAHAAHAHA I walked out with my clothes on my back. My xW was verbally/emotionally abusive. Walked away from everything. I didn't want anything to remind me of that life. So I started a new life.
lilbunny Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Hi Windblue, I am not going to second guess his reasons, but from your post you clearly feel like there could be unfinished business. This is really bothering you, have you sat down and explained to him how you feel? If so, what reasons has he given you? Do they ring true? I certainly think you need to communicate how much this is bothering you and get some answers. In the long term I agree with 2sure. Is this the right time to be living together? Take care of yourself. If he isn't under your roof then any flip flopping will be less traumatic and you will know for sure he isn't looking for a soft landing. None of that stops you being together, but it gives you time to start a more 'normal' R and allow that to develop. I hope you can resolve things soon.
KarmasTestDummy Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 HAHAAHAHA I walked out with my clothes on my back. My xW was verbally/emotionally abusive. Walked away from everything. I didn't want anything to remind me of that life. So I started a new life. Hahah...I did too. It was empowering to go buy a new car, all new furniture, clothes and a new apartment. None of it reminded me' of exH and it drove him crazy that I was not only relying on him and our past, but was self sufficient. He struggled hard after left because I was the one who worked. His girlfriend worked so he had to turn to her for everything. They lost the house and the car and their comfortable way of life. He accused me' of doing it gist to hurt them and brag. Nope, just ha a point to prove because he spent telling me' for 10 years I needed him and would never do better for myself.
Owl Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I can see the possibiliities in both sides of this... He could be leaving his stuff behind because he wants to leave it behind completely and start a whole new life. He could be leaving his stuff behind because he's not willing to close out that part of his life, and wants to "keep the door open" to going back. So I'd pose the question back to the OP, who's actually seeing him daily...which one of these two scenarios does this "feel like" to you? What vibe are you getting...the "I'm done and starting fresh" or the "I want to keep the door open to return"?
Fieldsofgold Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Hi Windblue, I am not going to second guess his reasons, but from your post you clearly feel like there could be unfinished business. This is really bothering you, have you sat down and explained to him how you feel? If so, what reasons has he given you? Do they ring true? I certainly think you need to communicate how much this is bothering you and get some answers. In the long term I agree with 2sure. Is this the right time to be living together? Take care of yourself. If he isn't under your roof then any flip flopping will be less traumatic and you will know for sure he isn't looking for a soft landing. None of that stops you being together, but it gives you time to start a more 'normal' R and allow that to develop. I hope you can resolve things soon. Good post, LB! My thought is this: you need to sit down and have an open and honest discussion about what is going on. If you can't talk and work things through together, what kind of relationship do you have?
Author Windblue Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Well, we have sat down and talked...I've told him plenty of times (even now) that he should go home and work SOMETHING out. Whether it be to close out issues with his wife and get his things, or stay. He chose to stay. We didn't just start staying together. We've kind of been together for a while now, he owns his own business, so...as far as I know, and I pop up every now and then, he's at work. In the evening, he's here with me. Every night not just certain days, or just weekends...always. We have not died off...Far from it. there is a lot of fooling around, we just dont jump in the sack with each other all the time because we know that there is still more to come for us to totally be together. I do hear what you guys are saying, and it has bothered me, just recently i said something and now we'll see what happens. He does have other places to go, he doesn't have to stay with me. don't get me wrong we have good times together, he helps with the bills and has been there for me. So, hopefully some of you can see where Im coming from.
fooled once Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Wow, I have to say I am surprised some people dont find it unusual for someone to leave behind EVERYTHING you own. I mean, I can see if you are a college student and own like...a toaster and some clothing. But someone who was married, with a house, established...to leave EVERYTHING. ALL of your clothing, shoes, and coats. ALL of your photos, paperwork , documents, records. Unless it was a situation of physical abuse and getting out was more important than getting killed or harmed...I'd get my stuff. Even if not all of it. This man took NOTHING. That is because, IMHO, people are trying to convince the OP that this man has left He has fears of being deported, from her last post, which is why he isn't divorcing (I think). It IS highly strange/unusual for ANYONE to just leave EVERYTHING they have. In fact, I find that ridiculous, UNLESS a woman is fleeing an abusive relationship. And that doesn't seem to be this case. I completely agree with you
Author Windblue Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 I also meant to add that he does have "some" things, but since it's becoming winter again, he doesn't have his winter things...it's like that. He also had all of his paperwork...I keep them for him. and even though we are currently living together, I would like for him to get his own place first to have some space. Take time to time to make sure that he is now happy not being in that situation anymore. The only people I know, or have heard of just leaving are abused spouses/partners. It's just bizarre that he would just leave his things.
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