5 stages of grief

[heartbrokenem]

hi...

 

so last week my husband of 18months and partner of 8 years decided he didnt want to be with me anymore.

 

when he first told me i was in total shock, i was shaking, i was literally screaming and crying... it was horrendous. my heart was racing i felt so sick i thought i was going to throw up or faint...

 

but now, a week later, i feel fine. is it possible to go through all 5 stages of grief so quickly? am i fooling myself? i want to get over this in a 'healthy' way and not convince myself im ok or try to push through this but i really feel fine...

 

1st there was denial - i couldnt understand why this was happening, thought he had made a mistake, that he would call and tell me he wanted to try...

 

then anger - how dare he do this to me - after all we've been through, after all hes put me through - how can he throw our lives away like that? what's wrong with me that he doesnt want to try?

 

then bargaining - what if he lived at his parents and we 'dated' again? what if we were to go out once a week? what if we went back to renting? what if we went travelling? basically, thinking of anything and everything to make things work

 

then depression - basically mourning the loss of him and our future together that we had planned. i felt abandoned, ugly, useless - like no one else would want me. was thinking that i would never find anyone else - be stuck living with my parents forever...

 

then acceptance - ive accepted that this is his decision. that laying about wondering the whys the what ifs and the maybes is not going to change the situation at all. that maybe this is for the best. understanding that while it doesnt feel like the best thing to happen, maybe it is.

 

my mum is angry - im not at all.

 

thing is, i feel like ive gone through all 5 stages, so is that it? it cant be can it? not when i still miss him and i know that there will be times where i will feel an unbearable lonliness...not when looking at my bare ring finger and feeling a pang, not when i still cant really eat or sleep properly...

 

should i feel bad for feeling this ok about things? 8 years together and im really ok...?

 

i mean i cannot bear to think of him with someone else, taking them home to his mum - making love to her - loving her more than me...

 

but i have accepted that it's over and that's it... just have to move on now.

 

am i mad? is this a good thing or a bad thing?

[thatsonlyme]

I hope you're really over him, that would be the best for you, but from my experience you may go through same stages over and over again.

That's whats still happening to me almost 2 months after our break up.

Some days I feel like I'm over it, I don't want her back and I feel great. Then I start missing her again, crying and hoping for a second chance. Sometimes all those feelings are just all mixed up together.

 

Last night I felt really calm, everything was fine and I was ready to go NC for good. Now I'm having second thoughts. IDK but it's definitely getting easier each passing day.

[heartbrokenem]

hi

 

yea i fully expect to go through it all again - when something triggers it.

 

xmas for example, my brothers wedding etc...

 

but i really thought i would have spent a lot longer in each stage. especially the anger and depression ones.

 

i guess i just have something in me that knows deep down that feeling angry or depressed is not going to change anything and it's a waste of my energy - energy i could be spending focussing on my life without him.

 

am i being stupid for thinking im over the worst?

[EricaH329]

You aren't being stupid for believing you are over the worst. You are normal. Once a person feels better after a very intense emotional ride, you automatically assume it's over. Unfortunately, that's not how it usually works.

 

The good news is: You are fully aware of the stages, what they mean, and why you went through them. Good on you!! You are also aware (at this moment), that you will be OK!

 

The bad news, is that you will go through the stages all over again for quite some time. Rinse, recycle, repeat. But, each time you go through them, you'll have a little more experience under your belt. You'll understand more clearly why you are feeling the way you are, and it will get you to think more about the relationship for what it really was.

 

It's sort of like an actual rollercoaster. The first time you get on, you're scared because you don't know what to expect. You sort of want your first time to just be over with. Then, after you've done it a couple of times, you tend to loosen up a bit. You know what to expect, even if it's a different rollercoaster. You learn to look around while you are going up, you learn to put your hands up in the air while descending, and after a few go arounds... you begin to learn where the cameras are placed and try to put your best face on while the camera snaps.

 

Same concept. You'll learn each time you go through these phases more and more about what you are going through, and why you are going through them. But, the most important concept you'll learn, is that you will get off the rollercoaster at some point, and you will be OK.

 

Hang on, it'll be a bumpy ride! But I have total faith that you will come out of this stronger and with more knowledge than you did originally. Good luck!

[Gdunkman]

It depends on your pace of life and intensity of your feelings. I think you might be over him, it took me about 2 months to get to the point where you are at.

[EricaH329]

It depends on your pace of life and intensity of your feelings. I think you might be over him, it took me about 2 months to get to the point where you are at.

 

Two months after an 8 year relationship?? I think it will take her longer than that. Even if it was an absolutely terrible relationship the entire time (which i'm assuming it wasn't, since she got married and stayed with him), the grieving process alone for losing someone that close to you for so long is much much longer than that. She's basically going to have to learn how to live on her own all over again. Which isn't as scary as it sounds, btw.

[heartbrokenem]

hi

 

no, this is the conflicting feeling im going through i guess - that it was 8 yrs of my life - i 'should' be feeling depressed and angry still right?

 

the last time someone broke up with me - as in, not on my terms and i didnt see it coming was when i was 16. i was with that boy for 2 months and it took me 6months to get over him. i was angry for a very very long time. he couldnt or wouldnt give me answers. just said that his feelings changed - couldnt or wouldnt tell me why - what happened etc... that bugged the hell out of me for a very very long time. until one day i just stopped caring.

 

this time, its a much longer time spent together so i was fully expecting to feel like i did last week for like - a year!

 

but he was able to give me the reasons - i was able to understand them. i dont agree with them but i see that they are issues for him - i think hes making more of it than necessary but this is what he thinks is the right thing to do. we met when he was 17, so he has had no time to grow on his own as such.

 

i fully expect him to go out and 'live' his life without me - maybe find a few other relationships and realise what we had. maybe regret it at some point. maybe find someone better for him. maybe i will find someone better.

 

so i guess thats why im ok. i can see that this was not an easy decision for him to make. he hasnt been nasty to me. he has been open and honest with me for why he feels we are not working and why he does not want to be with me anymore and that's it.

 

its done.

[Lovelydawn]

2 yrs ago i got divorced from my ex-husband of 8 yrs and i went through all the stages of grief except anger. well i was angry but not that "i could just kill you" kind of an anger. if you were together for that long and presumably you love him i dont think it will only take you 1 week to get over him. this kind of break ups are life altering and it will take some time to cope with it. but the coping process is not linear, you will go through a lot of different emotions. some days you will feel fine, some days you get flooded with emotions.

[EricaH329]

hi

 

no, this is the conflicting feeling im going through i guess - that it was 8 yrs of my life - i 'should' be feeling depressed and angry still right?

 

the last time someone broke up with me - as in, not on my terms and i didnt see it coming was when i was 16. i was with that boy for 2 months and it took me 6months to get over him. i was angry for a very very long time. he couldnt or wouldnt give me answers. just said that his feelings changed - couldnt or wouldnt tell me why - what happened etc... that bugged the hell out of me for a very very long time. until one day i just stopped caring.

 

this time, its a much longer time spent together so i was fully expecting to feel like i did last week for like - a year!

 

but he was able to give me the reasons - i was able to understand them. i dont agree with them but i see that they are issues for him - i think hes making more of it than necessary but this is what he thinks is the right thing to do. we met when he was 17, so he has had no time to grow on his own as such.

 

i fully expect him to go out and 'live' his life without me - maybe find a few other relationships and realise what we had. maybe regret it at some point. maybe find someone better for him. maybe i will find someone better.

 

so i guess thats why im ok. i can see that this was not an easy decision for him to make. he hasnt been nasty to me. he has been open and honest with me for why he feels we are not working and why he does not want to be with me anymore and that's it.

 

its done.

 

I'm thrilled to hear that you are doing alright!! Acceptance is a huuuuge step to achieve, and for some it takes longer than others. I wouldn't worry about you being with him for 8 years and coming to this conclusion earlier than most. That just means you are ahead of the game!

 

I just want you to be prepared for the emotional rollercoaster you will embark on. It may not feel like it now (which is fantastic!), but it will happen at some point. I promise. I hate to say that, I wish it didn't work like that, but unfortunately it does.

 

Whenever you start to feel yourself slipping back into the emotional rollercoaster, come back to this thread and re-read everything you've posted. It'll give you a lot of empowerment.

 

You will do things (and go through emotions) at your own pace, and at your own rate. Don't begin comparing yourself to others. Right now, you should be focused on yourself. Try to improve yourself to help boost your self confidence and respect.

[bboy]

heartbrokenem,

 

If you have passed the break-up so quickly. Congratulations. It's extremely quick.

 

You could also be in a chock and at the same time you're applying logic to it. It's a way of being in denial. A kind of: "It's over. So I need to move on. No point in being sad about it. Just accept and go on. That's the smart thing to do".

 

It's not unusual for people who wait for bad news. They mentally try to prepare themselves to be ready and at the same time occupy themselves as much as they can. So if you find yourself being busy 100% and also telling everyone around you that you're over it. Then it could be state of denial. It's a common behaviour for those who lost a family member in an accident or combat, for example.

 

If you think that might be the case and you get overwhelmed at some point by the feelings. Good thing to do is to start sorting them out:

 

Am I feeling bad because the future became too unknown?

Am I feeling bad because I don't know if I'm going to have a family?

Am I feeling bad because I feel socially not accepted?

Am I feeling bad because I invested so much from myself?

..

..

..

Am I feeling bad because I miss specifically this person?

 

At some point it's possible that part of the "loss" you might feel is not just the connection to the person itself, but to a lot of other things also. You could come to a conclusion that the person itself is not that much of a big deal as the thought of being without a relationship and the benefits of it.

 

I hope you'll get passed this B.U as good as you can.

[Gdunkman]

Two months after an 8 year relationship?? I think it will take her longer than that. Even if it was an absolutely terrible relationship the entire time (which i'm assuming it wasn't, since she got married and stayed with him), the grieving process alone for losing someone that close to you for so long is much much longer than that. She's basically going to have to learn how to live on her own all over again. Which isn't as scary as it sounds, btw.

 

No, I was talking about my case and my relations were around a year and a half. I read some stories here on LS and it seems to me that after 2 months after breakup a lot of people start to feel better and move on, someone mentioned 2-4 months period to accept loss and start healing.

[heartbrokenem]

hi bboy - a lot of what you said made sense. maybe im in the middle of what you said.

 

"its over so i need to move on. no point in being sad about it. just accept it and go on".

 

that is something i say to myself. well, not in so many words but along the lines of 'i can sit here and mope full of self pity or i can accept it and occupy my mind thinking of a life without him in it'

 

so i have basically accepted that the life i had planned out, is no longer going to happen. however its not the end of the world. life goes on. people who are single (i have a lot of single friends) are not crumbling because they have no one to cuddle at night. of course i miss him being here but it passes.

 

so i have made plans for myself. i plan to move out and live on my own at some point next year. in the next few weeks im going to start salsa dancing - its something ive wanted to try but H never wanted to so i never did. im planning on going on a girls holiday next year. my mind is adjusting to a new life.

 

im not busy at all. i have spent the whole week in bed. i think ive been out twice. i have lost 7lbs in a week where i have not been able to eat. i am going to bed at 2am because i have to be completely shattered before i can sleep otherwise i will lay awake thinking of him and not be able to sleep anyway. im not telling people im over it. im not. if people ask i tell them im ok. that i am taking small steps. that its going to take time.

 

i just expected that i would feel more like i did last week... complete dispair and desperation for my life to be how it was... but im not.

 

your last paragraph is exactly how i feel. that maybe we just became comfortable with each other. that maybe i married him, not for the man he was but for what he represented and how he 'fit' into my life plans.

 

im struggling to think of a single attribute for why i love him. he never made me laugh - not a real deep belly laugh - he was too 'cool' to be silly. he wasnt a romantic guy - i mean he sent flowers to my workplace on a couple of occasions - but as far as romance and ideas are concerned - no... not really. he wasnt fantastic in bed. i mean that was never the be all and end all for me - intimacy in other ways is more important to me - but yea, i cant help thinking that he's really strong and brave for making the decision to walk away from us. i can see it's not been easy on him and maybe if he was being nasty to me or offhand - as in the relationship never meant anything to him - then maybe i would be struggling more...

 

i told him that i respect his strength at making this decision and that if i had been as brutally honest with my own feelings in the past then maybe we wouldnt be here now.

 

but at the same time i think that things were ok with us. that we had more growing to do together.

 

basically i feel like if we had of continued to float along with our lives we would have been ok, we would have been happy. but i cant help but feel that i deserve more happiness than that. why should i settle for just being 'ok' in a relationship... there should be more of a connection and on reflection over this week i do feel like we just fell into a routine and years go by, then you've been together 6 years, marriage is the next logical step... so you get married and then children come... and he stopped it before children - brave and strong.

[LoveTruthChaos]

we just fell into a routine and years go by, then you've been together 6 years, marriage is the next logical step... so you get married and then children come... and he stopped it before children - brave and strong.

 

...and he stopped it before children = COWARD.

[heartbrokenem]

why is he a coward? do you think it would be sensible to bring children into a relationship where one of you is not happy being in the relationship? like a child would 'fix' things?

 

i mean, part of me thinks that if we had have had children, he wouldnt have found it so easy to walk away - that we would have grown further together. had a 'common' interest as such.

 

we would have been ok.

 

so where are you coming from when you think he is a coward for saying 'this isnt for me' now, rather than not saying anything at all, floating along, having children together. staying together for 'the sake of the kids' and then finding ourselves unhappy and ending the relationship in our 40's? (we're 25 and 26 now)