DM85 Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 Is it messed up to check your significant others cell phone? What if found something they were lying about, should i confront them that i found it on their phone?
GorillaTheater Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 I think it's sort of a balancing test. The more committed the relationship, and the more objectively reasonable evidence you have that something is going on, the more reasonable it may be to snoop. If you've only been going out with her a month and are just feeling the urge to snoop, you're wrong.
atlnay Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 (edited) Is it messed up to check your significant others cell phone? Yes. It's not something I would do nor would I tolerate it being done to me. When I was younger I snooped like that and learned the hard way it only brings pain. What if found something they were lying about, should i confront them that i found it on their phone? It can turn into an argument about how you violated their privacy. If you are with someone you feel is deceptive. Why not just leave them without the unnecessary drama? And, if you are not going to leave them? Why even confront them? Just forget what you saw and move on? Edited October 13, 2010 by atlnay
GooseChaser Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 It could be okay to look at their phone if they give you permission to.
Madgick Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 It brings up two separate issues that should be discussed separately: one, the bad thing you found out by snooping. two, the snooping. Unfortunately, they almost never get discussed separately. The one who got caught doing wrong will always excuse him/herself because at least he/she isn't a snoop. It's the get out of jail free card. But the snooper always feels that the snooping isn't as bad as whatever the other one did, that it's a non issue. The issues will never be handled responsibly without a mediator. So ask yourself why you feel you have to snoop. Is it you, your insecurities or are they giving off signals and you sense there is something you need to know but is being withheld from you. If it's you, get help for yourself. Many people are very afraid of abandonment and rejection--it makes them see a crisis behind every bush. If it's them, it's best just to deal with the symptoms, "I am picking up signals that you are cheating...let's discuss it." I think there are legitimate reasons to snoop sometimes. But mostly in longer term relationships where you have the right to expect certain things. If you think your spouse of 15 years is cheating, gambling away your retirement, molesting the kids, dealing drugs, etc... Snoop with the understanding that you are probably going to find out something that will destroy the relationship. Spouses do have the right to know certain basic things about each other. Couples of a month do not, at least what they deserve to know of each other are best found out by asking. If asking isn't enough, you probably shouldn't be together, even if snooping shows he's telling the truth. THere's a basic lack of synchronicity and intuitive understanding that will probably never go away no matter how much snooping you do.
Sabali Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 It brings up two separate issues that should be discussed separately: one, the bad thing you found out by snooping. two, the snooping. Unfortunately, they almost never get discussed separately. The one who got caught doing wrong will always excuse him/herself because at least he/she isn't a snoop. It's the get out of jail free card. But the snooper always feels that the snooping isn't as bad as whatever the other one did, that it's a non issue. The issues will never be handled responsibly without a mediator. So ask yourself why you feel you have to snoop. Is it you, your insecurities or are they giving off signals and you sense there is something you need to know but is being withheld from you. If it's you, get help for yourself. Many people are very afraid of abandonment and rejection--it makes them see a crisis behind every bush. If it's them, it's best just to deal with the symptoms, "I am picking up signals that you are cheating...let's discuss it." I think there are legitimate reasons to snoop sometimes. But mostly in longer term relationships where you have the right to expect certain things. If you think your spouse of 15 years is cheating, gambling away your retirement, molesting the kids, dealing drugs, etc... Snoop with the understanding that you are probably going to find out something that will destroy the relationship. Spouses do have the right to know certain basic things about each other. Couples of a month do not, at least what they deserve to know of each other are best found out by asking. If asking isn't enough, you probably shouldn't be together, even if snooping shows he's telling the truth. THere's a basic lack of synchronicity and intuitive understanding that will probably never go away no matter how much snooping you do. I tried to explain this many times here but I do not believe I have said it better than you.
Crazy Magnet Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Had I not snooped in my marriage I would never have found out the extend to which he was a lying, cheating, *******. And even when I had a printed paper trail and photos he flat out lied to my face and denied what had been going on. I'm personally all for snooping if there is a valid reason. I snooped once on the current SO. Something about his story was just off. Turns out my instincts were right on (as they always are). We totally had it out over the invasion of privacy but my arguement is that if you can't behave yourself then you aren't entitled to privacy in a relationship and that I had a right to know the whole story to determine if I wanted to stay in the relationship with him or not. If he wasn't willing to come clean and be transparent I wasn't willing to continue and I made that perfectly clear. In my experience men will get away with as much as they can until they get caught and honestly he was no exception.
Author DM85 Posted October 14, 2010 Author Posted October 14, 2010 It brings up two separate issues that should be discussed separately: one, the bad thing you found out by snooping. two, the snooping. Unfortunately, they almost never get discussed separately. The one who got caught doing wrong will always excuse him/herself because at least he/she isn't a snoop. It's the get out of jail free card. But the snooper always feels that the snooping isn't as bad as whatever the other one did, that it's a non issue. The issues will never be handled responsibly without a mediator. So ask yourself why you feel you have to snoop. Is it you, your insecurities or are they giving off signals and you sense there is something you need to know but is being withheld from you. If it's you, get help for yourself. Many people are very afraid of abandonment and rejection--it makes them see a crisis behind every bush. If it's them, it's best just to deal with the symptoms, "I am picking up signals that you are cheating...let's discuss it." I think there are legitimate reasons to snoop sometimes. But mostly in longer term relationships where you have the right to expect certain things. If you think your spouse of 15 years is cheating, gambling away your retirement, molesting the kids, dealing drugs, etc... Snoop with the understanding that you are probably going to find out something that will destroy the relationship. Spouses do have the right to know certain basic things about each other. Couples of a month do not, at least what they deserve to know of each other are best found out by asking. If asking isn't enough, you probably shouldn't be together, even if snooping shows he's telling the truth. THere's a basic lack of synchronicity and intuitive understanding that will probably never go away no matter how much snooping you do. I get what you're saying. That's why i haven't brought it up to her, I know that me snooping is gonna be a whole other fight. It has nothing to do with cheating, just something that we had already talked about and i was told it was done. But from snooping i found out it's not done and there is more than i originally thought. Is there any way that i can bring this up to her that wont result in a bigger fight because of snooping??
BackUpOrGetStung Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Now that you know the truth, figure out a way to prove it without using what you found snooping.
atlnay Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Is there any way that i can bring this up to her that wont result in a bigger fight because of snooping?? What do you hope to gain by bringing what you found up to her? An apology? Admittance of guilt? That she'll never lie to you again? Depending on what you caught her lying about, something minor (swift resolution) vs. something major (she'll fight like a cornered cat) will help in determining the best way to bring it up to her.
Idalis Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I think its never a good idea to invade someones privacy, but if you suspect or have a gut feeling that something is going on then you should do it.. if and only IF you are willing to do something about what you find (IMO), not if you're gonna stick around and try to defend the relationship b/c once you've violated your SO's privacy then you have no moral ground to stand on, really... I would check my bf's phone only if I saw that he was trying to hide it or kept it on silent ALL the time ( my friends hubby does this) if it seems like there's nothing to hide.. then trust that there is nothing to hide. Trust takes time to build, unfortunately...
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