Spazz Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 Hey I am a very shy person, who believes he dug himself into a hole. I suffer from extreme shyness and am trying hard to become more socially active. I believe that I burned my chance for a sexual relationship, with a woman because I am in my 30's and still a virgin and no woman would want to deal with that now. I am not trying to be too dramatic on purpose but am recognizing women's high standards. If I am lucky to hook up with a woman intimately, what can I do, to have a healthy sexual realtionship and makeup for the lack of experience? Signed, 'Trying to steal home from first base'!
Valkyrie Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 1. Watch porn. Pay attention to the mechanics of positioning. 2. Read one of the great manuals, "Joy of Sex" or something. 3. Read Men's Health online website. and finally . . . Remember this is a very individual kind of thing. What works for most people does not always fly with certain others. Adapt, improvise and overcome. Be relaxed, be cool, be sensitive. Don't be afraid to speak up; encourage your P to do the same. You know, you don't have to say anything about it to your P if you don't want to. Kinda like how you don't emphasize your weaknesses on a resume - you turn them into a positive statement instead. And besides, if a woman does not recognize the *damn* fine opportunity for them in that situation, they're stupid anyway. Hope you hook up with someone worthy.
amerikajin Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 You could always lie. Say you were deeply religious for many years and thought you wanted to become a priest when you were younger, so you "saved yourself". Or you could say that you've had sex a few times, but that it's been a long-time since your last one. What they don't know won't hurt them. I lied to a few sexual partners a time or two to convince them I was more experienced than I was.
MsBlink Posted March 5, 2004 Posted March 5, 2004 First off...wow. Alright, I feel weird being a young woman giving a mature adult sexual advice, but it's for the good of betterment! First off, I congratulate you on trying to work through your issues with shyness; that's a major step. Second, women can have some "standards" that can frustrate all kind of people, but that doesn't mean giving up on your persuit of happiness. Third, don't lie and say you're still a virgin cuz you wanted to be a priest! LOL, be yourself--whoever you end up with is going to be with YOU, so don't establish the relationship with a lie. You can watch porno and read on various romantic/Karma Sutra/Tantric gestures that could benefit you later on. As you work on coming out of your shell, go to public places that you could feel comfortable at, like local coffee shops or bookstores, and GRADUALLY work on developing conversations. It's all a process, no matter what age you are. And trust me, with all the diseases, STI's, and other things going around these days, you're in a better position than most by not having sex. It can all work out...be patient, masturbate if you must, and keep working on that shyness. GOOD LUCK! ~MsBlink
SoleMate Posted March 5, 2004 Posted March 5, 2004 Another unwilling male virgin. We've had quite a few posts from people in your boat. And lots of 30-something female virgins, too. 1) First of all, you are NOT in a hole. Your lack of experience does NOT make you unacceptable to women. And learn to start saying, "I'm not very experienced. I adore women, but I've always felt a little shy around them." 2) Your shyness ("social anxiety disorder") can be treated with antidepressants and perhaps some counselling. So pick up the phone right NOW 3) Don't watch porn. It will give you the wrong ideas. But do read how-to books to learn the mechanics of making love to a woman. It's real different from what you've been doing with yourself 4) Develop friendships with several women, and also several men from outside your circle of acquaintance. The meds will make this possible. The point is to have more people in your lfie, and learn the mechanics of developing new meaningful relationships 5) Be proud of yourself for surviving the loneliness, and finding the strength now to go get what you want even though it may be excruciatingly hard at first Come back here for advice and support, as often as you need to. We can talk you through this one.
MARA121 Posted March 5, 2004 Posted March 5, 2004 Don't worry about it! I have 2 best friends that feel the very same way you do. Both of them are 29 year old virgins. I tell them time and time again that they are not the only people in the world that havent' had sex. My one friend is so nervous that relationships just don't seem to last. She gets so uptight about dating - then oh course guys don't want to deal with a virgin. If I met a man that had never had sex I would think to myself "JACKPOT" I know it probably seems like you messed up. Just remember that whenit is meant to happen - it will! Lack of exp. is not such a terrible thing. Learning is actually the most fun. You aren't in any hole. Your actually a lot more desirable than you realize. If your shy - a simple smile can help break the ice. Just don't try to rush anything in order to make up "time."
Author Spazz Posted March 8, 2004 Author Posted March 8, 2004 Thank you Valkyrie, some wonderful responses here. I was thinking that I should learn up some on love making skills. The reason, I would mention,(that I'm a virgin) is if she would wonder why I might not be so sauve in a relationship and then it's best probably to be honest. I am also discovering that there is a thing called amateur realtionship porn, which is more love making sex than the raunchy, nasty, hardcore porn, which is not really realistic in people's everyday lives I suspect. I think maybe a future mate would appreciate the basic more sensuous love making porn style instead.
Author Spazz Posted March 8, 2004 Author Posted March 8, 2004 Amerikajin, thanks for the blunt advice. You know, I believe my first instinct would be to want to lie to smooth things over and make any lack of experience look ok. Then I got to thinking about it and I would constantly have to backup one lie with another. I'm starting to think like this: If I get too demoralized and think that there's no future hope, I might lie to a future partner just to get some. (Before becoming the male version of an old maid, whatever that would be). If I believe I have a chance at a long-term relationship, with a future female patner, then I feel in my heart, it's better to face the music and let her know how it is. I'm thinking somewhere down the line, she will want to know my past history and I don't think I can fib an entire trail. So it depends how involved emotionally I get, I believe for the tactic I use. But I am always still looking for pointers, thanks.
Author Spazz Posted March 10, 2004 Author Posted March 10, 2004 Msblink, well thank you for your upfront honesty and acknowleging, the frutstrations with women's standards. Though I would be tempted to lie, just so any future mate is not unimpressed with me. I have to admit you are right that it's not good for either me or her, to start a relationship on a lie. Yes, I have heard a little on Karma Sutra and should take to heart the techniques they exhibit. You're right, I might as well get all the advantages I can Hey at least there isn't a STD issue to deal with. I'm trying to build myself up, so some of the positives can counter against many of the negatives. Thanks again, though MsBlink:) Keeping my fingers and toes crossed.
Spastic_Gramps Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 I didn't truly start experiencing sex until i was 20, aside from several drunken one night stands. Anyway, lesson #1 never begin a relationship on a lie, girls are much more understanding than we give them credit for or think. The truth is ALWAYS your best bet. #2 I agree with reading up on lovemaking techniques, but I also say watch some porn . Its a good starting place. Learn how to move your hips and be sensual. Of course its just acting and not real, but it gives you the basic idea, or at a minimum it gives you the confidence that you know the basic idea, cause when you get in bed and let loose nothing matters except that your having fun. Just watch it and be like "I can do that." Also not all people go through this but when I first started having sex I had the problem of cumming pretty fast, BUT if this happens to happen to you don't be embarrassed. Instead play it off and tell her she is so hot and sexy you just got excited and you aren't even near done yet. I guarantee you you'll be able to get it back up in a hurry again and go for a lot longer. Sorry if such graphic detail doesn't belong in this forum. The most important thing is BE YOURSELF. You'll meet a girl who digs you. Pratice doing this, whenever you walk into someplace, whether it be a gas station or a bar, pratice saying "I"m the ****" and start believing it. CONFIDENCE IS THE KEY. Whenever you walk by a girl on the street or anywhere, no matter how hot she is, look her in the eyes and smile. It might be tough at first, but keep trying till you do it by second nature. Also don't be THAT GUY. By THAT GUY, I mean grossly overly nice. I'm not saying don't be respectful and genuine you just gotta tease a girl every once in a while. Make them wonder what is coming out of your mouth next. That might take some practice, but who knows you might be able to pull that off already. Anyway, I hope some of this helps. The most important thing to remember and practice is getting that confidence up. Whereever you go, your the ****. Keep reaffirming yourself that you are the coolest, nicest, funniest, most genuine badass out there and any girl who thinks otherwise can kiss off. Keep you chin up bro, don't let your past dictate your present actions.
SoleMate Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 Spastic Gramps, I think you said everything just right. Men, take Grampa's advice.
Spastic_Gramps Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 I'm really only 23 so I don't know if i really qualify as a grampa lol I just liked the name. That is just my preception of how things are run.
End of my rope Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 First of all be honest. Like everyone has said, you don't want to start off a realationship with someoneone with a lie. As far as after you become intimate with a woman how do you make up for you experience...listen to her. Ask her to teach you how to please her. Believe me, she'll be more than happy to! My ex-husband was a 34 year old virgin when we got married but he never failed to satisfy me because I taught him HOW to please me. So just be yourself, have fun, and enjoy the lessons! I know you'll find someone out there who will appreciate your purity.
Author Spazz Posted March 13, 2004 Author Posted March 13, 2004 spastic_gramps says, "#1 never begin a relationship on a lie, girls are much more understanding than we give them credit for or think." Yes, I have to fight the urge to lie to make myself look better. A realtionship needs to start with understanding and trust and I need to go with it. Gramps also says, "Pratice doing this, whenever you walk into someplace, whether it be a gas station or a bar, pratice saying "I"m the ****" and start believing it. CONFIDENCE IS THE KEY." This will be the real challenge for me, for I have the voices of caution running through my head asking, "Will she like me?", "What if I offend her?" "Can I do this right?" The caution and urge to be perfect can overwhelm to the point of being paralyzing. Trying to change the tape set in my head is not impossible but will be an ongoing challenge that I seek to meet. From Gramps, "Anyway, I hope some of this helps. The most important thing to remember and practice is getting that confidence up." Thank you, I will keep that to heart:)
saintfrancis Posted March 13, 2004 Posted March 13, 2004 I have one minor point to add... When you do end up in bed with a woman, don't manhandle! By this I mean, don't treat her body and though it's a football to be tossed and roughed around with. This may be just my own personal preference, but having a guy go at me like he's a prison inmate is NOT cool! Women like to have sensual, erotic sex (I think). Treat her body as a work of art. Explore it. Respect it. etc. Now.... there is also rough sex and that IS good, yes indeed!! I'm not saying you can't get down and dirty... But, there is a difference between rough sex (which you probably don't want to engage in too early on in a relationship, especially if you're unsure of yourself) and just being "insensitive" to her body in general.
porcelina Posted March 13, 2004 Posted March 13, 2004 ...honestly....i think it would be kinda fun to teach a virgin a thing or two....so try not to worry too much about it!
Author Spazz Posted March 16, 2004 Author Posted March 16, 2004 End of my rope, I meant to get to your post earlier. You said, "you don't want to start off a realationship with someoneone with a lie." That's it, eventually the lie would reveal itself and the relationship would slide downhill from there. "My ex-husband was a 34 year old virgin when we got married but he never failed to satisfy me because I taught him HOW to please me." WOW! I didn't know their was another guy in my boat. That is kinda reassuring to hear:) Good that it worked out for him and he had an understanding partner. "listen to her. Ask her to teach you how to please her. Believe me, she'll be more than happy to!" That is the best piece of advice you gave and I intend to ask her. Thanks for the help and being understanding.
M Posted March 16, 2004 Posted March 16, 2004 Honestly, some women would find it very attractive that you're a virgin. I sure don't want to be with a guy who "gets around." So many people chose to be virgins until they are married, and even though that isn't the case with you, there are plenty of women who wouldn't bat an eyelash at your situation. Stop stressing out.
Charley Posted March 16, 2004 Posted March 16, 2004 Spazz, I honestly would have preferred my boyfriend to be a virgin when we got together. He first had sex when he was 14 and a lot after that, and it has caused a hell of a lot of problems since. If you gain enough confidence, you could even act proud of it. if anyone asks you, tell them proudly. even if you dont believe it, you will, if you act like you are. many girls i know would see virginity as not only appealing (no baggage, no jealousy over past lays) but also as a kind of challenge. Girls have a much more open mind to virginity compared to boys, who see it as a bad thing. just don't lose it for the sake of losing it. Don't do it with just anyone who offers it to you.
Author Spazz Posted March 17, 2004 Author Posted March 17, 2004 Saintfrancis said: "I have one minor point to add... When you do end up in bed with a woman, don't manhandle! By this I mean, don't treat her body and though it's a football to be tossed and roughed around with. This may be just my own personal preference, but having a guy go at me like he's a prison inmate is NOT cool!" Yes, I agree Saintfrancis, I want the future sex to be two people who can make love on their own terms not just one person calling the shots and the other sitting back passively and taking whatever. Plus, I am hoping that the soft touch can stimulate the woman's mind, more than the rough handle:) "Women like to have sensual, erotic sex" Yes, that is the sentiment I see women expressing on these boards and in life in general too. Women seem to indicate more that for them, sex is more psychological than physical pleasure! You see women, some of us guys are actually listening to you. "But, there is a difference between rough sex (which you probably don't want to engage in too early on in a relationship, especially if you're unsure of yourself) and just being "insensitive" to her body in general." I am the type that would like to take it slow and feel each other out to see where each of us belongs in our sexual preferences. I am timid in nature, so I don't believe I would initiate rough sex. In fact, what would probably happen is that I would be a little more receptive to a woman that was a little more aggressive than I was.
Author Spazz Posted March 18, 2004 Author Posted March 18, 2004 "Honestly, some women would find it very attractive that you're a virgin. I sure don't want to be with a guy who "gets around." Yes, M I have heard some women who feel this, way but maybe it's just being in California I haven't met too many women who feel that way. I don't want to get around but have some experience in the ultimate love making before I commit myself forever in a possilbe future marriage. "there are plenty of women who wouldn't bat an eyelash at your situation." I won't doubt you but I guess it's just a matter of time before I meet them. I would be certainly lucky if I ever met a woman who felt that way:) Thanks for the advice! It's good to see love and commitment go beyond the superficial scorecard!
Author Spazz Posted March 20, 2004 Author Posted March 20, 2004 "...honestly....i think it would be kinda fun to teach a virgin a thing or two....so try not to worry too much about it!" Well your positive sentiment is nice but I don't see many women out here in California sharing your view. Maybe I live in the wrong state? I only worry about it as far as being able to please her. I don't want to grow old and be the male version of an 'Old Maid'.
Author Spazz Posted March 24, 2004 Author Posted March 24, 2004 Charley said, "I honestly would have preferred my boyfriend to be a virgin when we got together." Hey, great to hear that sentiment expressed. Makes me feel a little less insecure about my situation. "If you gain enough confidence, you could even act proud of it." Yeah, I just have to meet women in my every day world in California, who feel like you do:) "just don't lose it for the sake of losing it. Don't do it with just anyone who offers it to you." Good point but I am 34 and still a virgin. If I don't lose it soon, I may just try to sleep with some lady for the sake of not going insane at the thought of being 40 and still a virgin. I can't handle that thought.
SoleMate Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Well...I don't usually encourage meaningless sex, but in your case, no one can accuse you of rushing into it! At least find someone who you have some feelings for, even if only mild affection or admiration, and be honest with her that you're just looking for something quick and enjoyable. Don't pick up someone late at night when you're drunk - I don't want your first "morning after" to be of the "OH SH*T WHAT IS THIS IN MY BED??!!??" variety.
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