littleboat Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 Hi everyone. I'm glad to find this forum. I've been going through a really heartbreaking time... I've been married for 8 years. DH and I did the stupidest thing in the world and got married in Vegas after only 1 month of dating (which was long distance). I was young (23) and really lost. I had a good job and friends, but I have major family issues and former addiction issues. He is much older and had recently lost his whole family one by one due to accident and illness, and needed to cope with the loneliness, I guess. We both found eachother and somehow thought everything would be ok together. Well, surprise, surprise! He is a good man and I believe a really caring father to our 2 kids (5 and 2). Long story short, he is a workaholic (I don't see him very often at all). When he is home, he is holed up in his man-caving watching sports, news and porn. He is very verbally and emotionally abusive. That's the worst part. I really could get over his lack of parenting or helping around the house, but the yelling, screaming, eye-rolling. His favorite thing to do is, when I approach him with something I want to talk about, he fashions his hand into the shape of a gun and pretends to shoot himself in the head. He lashes out at me verbally every two weeks or so when he seems to cycle into some kind of other place. He can be nice for two weeks, and then two weeks later, he becomes incredibly mean, arrogant and selfish. I feel like I can't even talk to him about the most basic things regarding our family without it turning into a sarcasm-dripping tongue lashing. The most hurtful episode I remember (out of so many) was when our daughter had started preschool. We were paying a lot of money to send her to a school that turned out to be not very good. The teachers weren't good, our DD was having trouble making friends and many other problems. When I approached DH about switching her to a better and cheaper option I found, he called me the most hurtful things and argued with me for weeks saying I was mentally unbalanced for wanting her to switch schools. And while I gave him reason after reason why I didn't like the school, he continued to ask for "one reason. One reason to leave the school!!!) I didn't understand what was going on. I started to get sick I was so stressed out. I didn't understand why he was making me feel this way about something so basic. Finally, we switched schools to the most amazing place where she made best friends and learned to read, etc... And he has no memory of the incredible fuss over it. Nothing. And this happens all the time. I feel like I can't even ask him to take the garbage out without him calling me a nasty name. I don't want to break up the family, but I feel like I will die if I continue living like this. We did counseling and it was useless. Really, really useless. He spent the entire time telling the counselor how great I am and how much he loves me, but he's just stressed and I'm stressed and really, I just need to get help with babysitting and housework and then we'll be great!!!! I can't go into all the problem in our marriage, but they've become so much. So, anyway, two days ago I told him I wanted a divorce. I have told him this before, but he always just ignores it. I tell him I want him to move out (I will stay here with the kids, he travels most of the time anyway) and he says he will and then he puts on a "nice-guy" act and hopes I'll forget how hard he is to live with. Last night, while I was making dinner, he took both kids to the store with him to pick up a few things so I could cook in peace. He actually sat at the table with us and while I was putting the kids to bed, he actually cleared the table and washed the dishes!!! This made me feel sadder, because this stuff seems so basic. It seems so normal to wash the dishes while I and bathing the kids and reading then their stories and lying with them until they fall asleep. Usually, he just leaves dishes and crap all around the house for me to deal with at 9:00 after I'm done with the kids and he's in his man-cave watching tv and surfing blogs and porn. He can be really great when I'm telling him to leave. How do I get him to move out though? I'm not getting sucked back into it this time, we've gone through this time after time after time. I do love him and care for him, but I will not live with this tension any longer.
carhill Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 Hey, welcome to LS. Sorry it isn't under better circumstances... Firstly, have a consultation with a lawyer and learn about your rights and responsibilities should you choose to pursue this path of divorce. A lawyer will tell you what you legally can and cannot do and how to proceed and what your risks are. If there is no provable abuse going on, IMO, it will be very difficult to 'make' him leave if he doesn't choose to. It's his home too. Usually, it's the person who wants to end the marriage who leaves. Of course, children complicate that. Hence the lawyer. Perhaps a short vacation with the children to visit your family is in order, and leave him at home to enjoy the man-cave and think about things. I'd probably, once I had my legal ducks in a row, give him the choice of MC, mediation or the judge. Men like things simple and clear. Nothing more simple and clear than that. Good luck
2sure Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 I dont know if I'm reading between the lines...but it doesnt sound like MC, him helping with the kids, or anything else is going to make you not want to divorce him. You are a grown up now and you werent when you married him. you seem to have come to the conclusion that this man and this marriage is not for you. OK. If thats the case, simply telling him that you want him to move out is unrealistic. That is not going to happen. See a lawyer.
porter218 Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 If I were him I wouldn't believe you wanted a D. You have to(if you do really want a D) act like you mean it. You may have to move out for the time being. I know having kids makes that difficult but if you want peace in your life you may have to do whatever it takes to get it. I know how hard it is and can sympathize...hell, I left my H of 7yrs with a 4yr old and newborn baby. Man, that was a rough road!! I had to actually sell my own house to make a fresh start. A house I had owned before I met him!! But I wanted peace in my life and for my kids. I was willing to give up anything for that. Otherwise he would have continued to feel entitled, and that I would cave in and let him stay. He would do the same thing--help out with dinner and the kids when I got mad. He would clean up the house and do everything right for a short while. I didn't like living on a rollercoaster so I had to jump off. The new house has been the best thing I ever did for myself and the kids. You will need to talk to a lawyer soon if you want anything to happen with this in a reasonable amount of time. Are you ready for this? Is a D really what you want? Are you prepared to be a single mom?
controlledchaos Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 hi! i'm so sorry you are going through this. unfortunately, rational advice on situations such as these do not work with abusive men. and yes, emotional and verbal abuse is still abuse. read the book "why does he do that." read it now. all the things he is doing are very purposeful and very calculated. they are meant to keep you confused and unsure and therefore you don't really know what to do. the cycle is there for a reason. as for getting him out of the house.... i don't have great advice on how to make that happen. in my situation we had hit a point where it was either he goes or i go, and since i agreed to let him have his weekends with the kids in the house he "let" me stay in the house. in an average situation this would be fine, but in an abusive situation where most decisions are about control, it's not good. however, it got him to move out. the reason it's not good is because if i were not living in the house he would have NO control over me or the kids or our situation. for me and the kids that would be good. but, since he needs that control he wouldn't allow it. he wanted us to either stay in the house and separate, or HE would move out. i agreed because it got him out of the house. but, then the spying and surveillance escalated!! so, i am still being monitored by him. and he has access to ALL of my stuff............ but, he's not living here. i would rather i took the kids and left truthfully. i am anxious for the day i don't have to share space with him at all! talk to an abused women's shelter if you can. get into a support group or some free counseling. read the book. it's incredibly clarifying!!! it will make your head spin and open your eyes! HUGS!!! good luck!
porter218 Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 ^^^ Now you see why I was willing to move out of my own house? I wanted peace and normalcy at any cost! Abuse is all about controlling you. You have to get your own footing to climb out of that hole.
Author littleboat Posted October 13, 2010 Author Posted October 13, 2010 Wow, thanks for all the replies. Yes, I have read the book "Why Does He do That?" I thought it was incredibly clarifying. It helped me see that his behavior is not my fault, and there's not much I can do except accept him for who he is and move on. I am not prepared to be a single mother. I do not have a job, though he does make enough $$ that I will be able to live off child support for a little while. I also do have some savings and a very supportive mother. So, I think I'll be alright. I do fluctuate between feeling incredible relief that I won't have to keep pulling eggshells from my feet and incredible grief, sadness and fear for my whole family. At this point, the stress levels have gotten so high around here that I really feel my health is suffering and I don't have a choice but to separate. I appreciate the advice of needing to really look like I want a D and not just say it. I am afraid of pissing him off because I do want to keep everything as amicable as possible. Who knows if that is possible. I could go take a vacation away from him with the kids, but I'd have to pull my older one out of school for awhile. Maybe we'll just go for the weekend. Thanks everyone.
porter218 Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 I could go take a vacation away from him with the kids, but I'd have to pull my older one out of school for awhile. Maybe we'll just go for the weekend. Take the older one out of school. It could be very therapeutic for you guys! Sometimes family health should come before school scheduling. Your kids probably need to get away just as much as you do. I spent this past year establishing us as a newly smaller family of 3.. and time away was the key. I could clear my mind and refocus on what was important and the kids got to have mommy all to themselves(which I had never realized how much they needed that). Best of luck to you and all the changes you are about to experience.
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