She left and it hurts so much

[BrokenBrooklynMan43]

My girlfriend of 7 years just left me and I am dead inside.

 

We had been going through a dry spell of intimacy (I have had some health issues) and my career has been stagnant. She gave these as the reasons for leaving - and that she couldn't wait any more.

 

Last year around this time she had had a meltdown and wanted to leave but I talked her out of it. Right after that she was happy she stayed and called it a "moment of insanity" and wanted to never discuss it, to just forget about it and go back to where we were.

 

Things were good this year but I recently felt her becoming distant for several weeks but was hoping we would just work through it. However, she had starting talking to a younger girlfriend who was having the same issues with her boyfriend and she left him. Every time my girlfriend mentioned their conversations I would cringe inside because I knew she would see it as a mirror and I know how these things happen. I asked her during the breakup if it had been a factor and she admitted it had been in so many words. She said she shouldn't have stayed last year. She said she couldn't wait anymore.

 

I love her with my whole heart and miss her terribly. It is killing me to be away from her. She is making a mistake and we could work things out. I am a good man - romantic, intelligent, great sense of humor, warm, caring, thoughful, honest, true - and we had 7 years of love and laughter and fun. We barely ever fought and spent great times together. I was close to her friends and family. She had chased me in the beginning and we fell deeply in love. We had something special, and she said she still loves me.

 

I have been going over things in my mind - pain can bring real clarity - and I know she is right about certain things. I should have taken care of these issues but I didn't realize the clock was ticking and dragged my feet. I always told her she took me for granted but I know now I took her for granted too. I should have taken action and worked with her - yes, she should have said something and sat me down and expressed her feelings, but I should have got off my butt and not thought I could take my sweet time. She is 42 and I am 43 - I am not a kid anymore.

 

I also should have married her. She had expressed her desire for it years ago and I was very resistant. I kept saying it didn't matter and that it was waste of money, that she knew I was committed totally to her. But in recent years I warmed up to it and was going to propose. I wanted it to be surprise but it came out during the incident last year because she was leaving and I had to tell her. I was waiting for things to be the same and they were but then her cousin was getting married and I was going to do it after that so her time wouldn't be overshadowed. I was really excited over it. I was thinking about how we would do it. I was looking at rings. It made me happy to think she would be my wife.

 

Why was I such an idiot about marriage in the first place? What is so wrong about making your girl feel so special, putting her up on a pedestal, giving her her special day, showing her that she is your lady forever? She was my whole heart - why couldn't I do that for her?

 

I was an ass about the whole thing.

 

I am trying to use this as a lesson - a very painful lesson. It is a wake-up call. I wasn't doing the things I needed to do and my friend says I wasn't going to without something lighting a fire under my ass. Well, this lit the fire, and damn does it burn.

 

I am leaving her alone. I said what I felt. She knows how much I love her, want her, miss her. I said it during the conversation, I left her voicemails that night, I sent a couple of texts. That's it. I am leaving her alone. If I call I will just be repeating myself, begging, crying. She already knows I want her back and love her with my whole heart.

 

I am working on myself. I am doing what I need to do to improve my health and my career. I am trying to be more of a man and take action instead of being a whiny child and just complaining. These are things I need to do - yes, for her, and for us if she ever comes back, but for me regardless of what happens.

 

I am fighting. I get sad and cry but I try and shake it off and get busy. I fight the urge to call or email or write and I concentrate on myself.

 

I have been beating myself up a lot over my mistakes but I am a good man and was very good to her. No one is perfect. I deserved a real chance to fix things.

 

I lost my best girl. I hate it, and hate myself for losing her. But I must fight. I must keep moving forward. It is hard but I need to man up.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

M

[Don Ho]

Sorry to hear what happened Bro. We're a lot a like; same age group, commitment phobic and slow to move. Yes, you have to caulk it up to experience. I've always been the slow moving type and it has cost me a few good GFs. In retrospect it probably wasn't meant to be anyway and that's why I was dragging my feet. Plus you never appreciate what you had until it's gone. Maybe on the next woman you'll think about jumping in with both feet from the beginning and take the risk that it might not work out or you might get dumped. What the hell, that's what happened to you this time anyway.

[theone11]

Ya man I'm in the same boat it's almost like you lost touch of reality and they bring it down pretty fast. It sucks knowing that a lot of it is self inflicted.

[BrokenBrooklynMan43]

Thanks guys. Yeah it sucks when it seems that you do it to yourself.

 

I am a good man and treated her with great love and respect. I know I could have done some things better but I thought couples are supposed to work together. She got an idea in her head and ran. I felt it coming too.

 

I have learned that the whole marriage/future/living together thing is huge for them - bigger than I realized - and I was late to the party with that. We would still have had issues, like all couples, but I know she would have stuck around if I had done the right thing. But I was resistant to the whole marriage thing like a dope - I am 43 years old, when do I grow up?

 

Anyway, I am sticking to the no contact rule. I gotta work on myself, use this as a wake-up call that my dumb, lazy ass needed. Very painful to get it this way, but here we are.

[Billie The Puppet]

The marriage idea is a tough one.

 

My ex was hinting at it seriously in the first few months it continued for 2 years she flat out said she wanted to be engaged. Year 3 after she stops I stupidly mentioned I had purchased a ring while we were on "break" she said she would still say yes. That ring was returned and I said we will have to work things out but the idea is still concrete on my mind. Well the reconciliation was short lived as she was seeking another man.

 

Basically if it's pushed for by a woman especially early on it's a clingy honey moon stage.

 

I'm not sure when an acceptable time is to propose. I wanted to when she was asking because it's one of my goals in life but I had to be sure. I don't regret not doing it because I think all other circumstance would have remained thus a broken engagement.

 

Sounds like the ex in your story wanted it around year 5 or 6 ?

 

That is acceptable to me I was ready year 3.

 

Don't make money an issue with weddings but don't spend more than you can afford. Island weddings are pretty inexpensive these days that's hard for me to mention as it was our plan until she started receiving attention from a guy at a job I placed her at.

[BrokenBrooklynMan43]

Yeah I did not handle the marriage thing well at all. She started talking about it a few years in and I just kept shooting it down. I was kind of an ass about it.

 

Then over the last year and a half or so, maybe 2, I woke up and really wanted to do it but we had a rough spot. I decided to wait until things were right, they were, but then her cousin was getting married and Ididn't want it to overshadow our announcement. So I was going to do it next year.

 

I don't know why I was so thickheaded about it. I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I was a knucklehead and doing the macho BS which really isn't even like me. Maybe I was afraid.

 

I brought up the money thing, the waste, the silliness. But it isn't silly it is a really nice thing to do for the woman you love. Why couldn't I have given her her special day, made her feel great, shown her how much I loved her and wanted to be with her? She was good to me. We had a great relationship. I know it couldn't have felt nice for her to go those years and thinking it was never going to happen and seeing other weddings. She deserved it. I should have made her my wife.

 

I am trying not to beat myself up too much because I was very good to her (and she to me) and I think she left for a number of bad reasons combined with listening to her girlfriend and turning 40. It doesn't change the fact that she is gone, and that I really should have married her, but feeling guilty and that it was all my fault is not going to help me.

 

I am leaving her alone and trying to put my shattered life back together. I want her back but am staying away. I am broken.

[BrokenBrooklynMan43]

Really rough today. Wanted to call her 100 times. Didn't, but man am I in pain.

[alwayshoping]

Really rough today. Wanted to call her 100 times. Didn't, but man am I in pain.

 

Why do we always think it's a good idea to call and text at night?

It's crazy bcos in the morning you never regret not doing it! Although the will power required not to call requires so much energy! I've resisted all day! Just wish she would call me and put me out of my misery!

[reknown29]

I am in a similar situation as you. Its been over a month and I am still broken hearted. Its painful everyday. I really loved this girl more than anything. I fell apart on her and became really down on myself. Then in the process of trying to get some space from her to revive myself she left. Saying I was not the man she thought I was... this destroyed me...

 

I also blame myself like you. I was having self esteem issues. I was not always loving to her (sometimes I just needed to have a little space) though I cared and was always there for her. This past month I have been coming to somewhat terms. Be honest with yourself. Was there anything that she did wrong? Im sure you can make a list. We tend to make things perfect in our head regarding the relationship after its over. I look back and I find things that she did that were red flags. A lot of them. REally think about her and try to see if you really loved her or was it because of ego. My girl was a super model. No one understood why she was with me. I am finding that I am upset with losing all the respect people gave me when with her, etc. This makes it harder but in reality, I am much better off with someone who loves me not based on looks.

 

Your going to be ok. Its best to not speak to her, like you are doing, take time to cry and go for walks, excercise, read, go on a vacation, etc. Its the worst thing to deal with. Often worse than death because you put all your trust in this person to stick it out with you and you would have done anything for this person but the truth is, is that this person just didnt see it or there is someone else. you want someone who is going to stick it with you through the tough times as well as the good. Not just the good. But take the time to mourn, as long as it takes and then put yourself out there. You may find someone or you may find solitude. Try not to think about it. Either way you are still alive. Find peace with yourself and things will fall into place. Dont worry about it. Except it and move on. If she sees this she may actually come back.

[nopainnogain]

I feel your pain buddy. My ex cheated on me with my best friend. Was the best thing that ever happened to me. At the time i wanted to kill myself. This place helped me not to and lead me in the right direction. Just read a lot of good advice. Stay busy. Do what you want to do. Instead of using this time now finding yourself use it to create yourself. Life is full of these curve balls.We gotta take the good with the bad. This heart break you feel is gonna make you very strong and prepared with tools for your next set backs in life. They never stop so we just gotta keep our heads up and love life. Its too short. I love life. My mom passed away in april. Everthing happens for a reason because a few years ago is when i got stepped on. But i got the coping tools to handle my moms passing. So if my ex reads this...I thank you .

Me personally, i smoked a lot of weed and stayed very busy. Hiking,movies,work,. Just find hobbies that are productive and stay healthy,sleep and eat good. Life is your new girlfriend.