Husband not understanding after hysterectomy...

[thisismycrazylife]

I have been married for 15 years. 2 weeks ago today I had a partial hysterectomy. 2 days after my surgery my H was on the computer showing me pictures of naked men and telling me there are just as many naked men online as there are women. I told him there would be no S** for 6 weeks and I did not want to look at that. He said he just wanted to let me know it was there. 4 days later he is asking if I can "give him a hand" with something? I have tried to tell him that I had major surgery, I am off work for 4 weeks and I am not home all day for him. Today when I went to the doctor he pressured me to ask the doctor a question. He wanted to know even if I could not have anything could I still have the O? I told him I am still in pain, I don't want anything. He said I should. He is being so pushy. He works midnights and he is home all day with me. All day long he pushes and makes comments. I have tried to be nice and explain this to him but nothing is working.

Am I being a prude? Shouldn't he be more understanding about this?

I mean I have been understanding about the fact that he has done no housework, cooking, dishes, laundry or cleanup this entire time but this is starting to drive me over the edge.

I have always had a hard time with conversation starters with him, he always turns everything around on me and I end up the bad guy in every discussion we have. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions about how I can try to approach him about this again?

I need some help here.....

[carhill]

Next time he comes home from graveyard, let it be to an empty house. That'll learn him

[coffeecat]

I know you just had surgery, and he IS being a bit impatient and pushy.

 

However, if he is asking for a hand job, just give him a hand job. That takes such minimal effort . It will barely last 10 minutes.

[porter218]

Don't give him a damn thing! A hysterectomy is painful to even move. Your muscles have been cut into and coughing hurts. It takes maximum effort to roll over or sit up. F that stuff. If he is so damn insensitive...do what Carhill said, let him come home to an empty house.

 

I am jumping onto the Carhill train! Let him come home to an empty house. He needs to snap the hell out of it:mad:.

[porter218]

Don't give him a damn thing! A hysterectomy is painful to even move. Your muscles have been cut into and coughing hurts. It takes maximum effort to roll over or sit up. F that stuff. If he is so damn insensitive...do what Carhill said, let him come home to an empty house.

 

I am jumping onto the Carhill train! Let him come home to an empty house. He needs to snap the hell out of it:mad:.

[DaisyLeigh]

Why the HELL should you jack him off? He is not doing a ****ing thing to help YOU. No cleaning, nothing. I would tell him to hit the bricks.

[xxoo]

I can't imagine a spouse expecting you to endure pain in order for him to get off. How sick. If that is his expectation, you really need to leave him

 

Question: You've been married to him for 15 years. Has he always been so uncaring and insensitive?

[Moanin]

However, if he is asking for a hand job, just give him a hand job. That takes such minimal effort . It will barely last 10 minutes.

 

I agree that your husband is being a jerk, but I also agree with CC (above)....

[DaisyLeigh]

I agree that your husband is being a jerk, but I also agree with CC (above)....

 

 

WHY? I don't mean to be rude, but must EVERYTHING be all about the man and his wants? Good grief, if he had just had surgery, would people expect him to get her off too? I bet not.

 

For cripes sake, we are not animals. If someone cannot control themselves for a few weeks, then they have some real problems. Seriously. My husband and I refrained for six weeks after each child. He did NOT expect me to jack him off. He was respectful, as was I after he had surgery several years ago.

 

Geez, there is such a thing as masturbation.

[tinktronik]

WHY? I don't mean to be rude, but must EVERYTHING be all about the man and his wants? Good grief, if he had just had surgery, would people expect him to get her off too? I bet not.

 

For cripes sake, we are not animals. If someone cannot control themselves for a few weeks, then they have some real problems. Seriously. My husband and I refrained for six weeks after each child. He did NOT expect me to jack him off. He was respectful, as was I after he had surgery several years ago.

 

Geez, there is such a thing as masturbation.

 

Thank you Daisy. The assertion that the OP should just jerk her H off, just because, after major surgery really is disgusting. My exH did something very similar after I had major surgery giving birth. It turns my stomach to this day. What a selfish, creepy perv of a jerk.

 

I agree with the posters that said let him come home to an empty house.

[july10]

I think you should offer to give him a hand too..........Right after you knee him in the groin.

[Kendrick]

Wow, if he is this insensitive to you after surgery, I would hate to see how he might be when you're well!

[Fight4Me]

Having gone through the same surgery, I can attest to the fact that the recovery process is nothing to take lightly. I thought it would be like giving birth, and mending from that, but wow, not even close! And I even had the less invasive procedure.

 

There's a reason why you're not supposed to vacuum, drive, or even perform the simplest tasks for several weeks. Giving my dh a hand job would have done me in. I'm not even sure it would have been physically possible. Heck, even riding in a car was painful. Thankfully, I had my mom and MIL come stay at different week intervals. My husband was more than understanding and never questioned the 6 wk wait. Even then, I had a lot of pain, so he made the decision on his own to give it another two weeks.

 

If I may be so bold, it sounds like there are a lot of underlying issues going on since his behavior sounds rather bizarre. Printing out pictures of naked men? As if your situation has anything to do with a lack of drive, let alone that even under the best of circumstances that something like that would work in his favor?

 

Do you have anywhere you can go in order to recover fully and in peace? This stress isn't going to help your healing, I can tell you that.

 

Praying for an uncomplicated recovery and a selfless light bulb moment for your dh.

[thisismycrazylife]

I can't imagine a spouse expecting you to endure pain in order for him to get off. How sick. If that is his expectation, you really need to leave him

 

Question: You've been married to him for 15 years. Has he always been so uncaring and insensitive?

 

 

Looking back now I see the pattern. He was diagnosed w/ Bipolar II 2 years ago and has been on medication and I kinda thought after med adjustments the behaviors would change. Now, I am not so sure. I am

thinking since we have 2 kids, the youngest is 8, maybe we should try

a counseling service and see where that gets us.

At this point I will try anything.

[Stung]

I know you just had surgery, and he IS being a bit impatient and pushy.

 

However, if he is asking for a hand job, just give him a hand job. That takes such minimal effort . It will barely last 10 minutes.

 

I agree that your husband is being a jerk, but I also agree with CC (above)....

 

 

Have either of you had any kind of major surgery, particularly abdominal surgery?

 

It hurts to move, AT ALL. Riding in the car hurts. Coughing or laughing, hurts. It's difficult and painful to roll over onto your side by yourself, or to get up into a sitting position. It's difficult and painful to go to the bathroom, many can't manage it by themselves for several days. It can take weeks to be able to walk small distances comfortably. Just maintaining balance while sitting can be tiring and uncomfortable--and all of that is while on major drugs which make you tired and sometimes severely sick to your stomach.

 

The fact that you would advocate that a sick, hurting, post-op woman should feel obligated to put herself into more pain to give handjobs to a man who is, by the way, obviously not meeting her physical/emotional needs at this time either and is apparently not even helping maintain the house--well, it's really pretty gross. He's not cooking or cleaning, my guess is he's got plenty of time to jack his own self off.

[carhill]

OP, if H has BPD, he should be in IC anyway, adjunct to his medications. Definitely do try to get help from a counseling service. Even medicated, people in the manic phase can be a handful, and your health is at risk here, being post-op. Do what you need to do. Leave, if necessary. Emotional stress is as large a risk factor as physical stress when one is recovering from surgery. My sympathies.....

[Dazzel]

Looking back now I see the pattern. He was diagnosed w/ Bipolar II 2 years ago and has been on medication and I kinda thought after med adjustments the behaviors would change.

 

I am diagnosed with the same thing. Type 2 is the mild form. We get moody over silly things.

However, this isn't just being moody....it's being UNREASONABLE and completely INSENSITIVE.

 

Sorry, but I had to be blunt.

 

Ask him if he'd want to have sex after a major surgery to his reproductive area? It'd be like giving him laxatives after a part of his colon has been removed. Or wanting him to go horseback riding after he broke his tailbone. Or go jogging with a broken leg. Or some other random example!

 

How can he NOT understand? He gets hard so he thinks you must let him stick it in an area that has just been cut on so he can get off?

I guess a handjob isn't much to ask, but it's just pathetic that in the first place he thought it would be a-okay to ask his wife for some sex after having surgery on her vaginal area.

 

Awesome.

 

His selfishness astounds me. This post me me really angry for you. I'd freakin bitch slap him bite him during a BJ. Actually, that's great. I am sure a bite to his stick would give him a good idea of how your genitals must feel.

[Spark1111]

He may be cycling into a manic phase when sexual obssession and release rears its ugly head. He should really, really be avoiding the porn if he is.

 

He may need his meds adjusted and should be seeing an IC with experience.

 

Is there someone who can come and stay with you? A relative to help care for you?

 

Or can you go stay with them?

[fooled once]

I have been married for 15 years. 2 weeks ago today I had a partial hysterectomy. 2 days after my surgery my H was on the computer showing me pictures of naked men and telling me there are just as many naked men online as there are women. I told him there would be no S** for 6 weeks and I did not want to look at that. He said he just wanted to let me know it was there. 4 days later he is asking if I can "give him a hand" with something? I have tried to tell him that I had major surgery, I am off work for 4 weeks and I am not home all day for him. Today when I went to the doctor he pressured me to ask the doctor a question. He wanted to know even if I could not have anything could I still have the O? I told him I am still in pain, I don't want anything. He said I should. He is being so pushy. He works midnights and he is home all day with me. All day long he pushes and makes comments. I have tried to be nice and explain this to him but nothing is working.

Am I being a prude? Shouldn't he be more understanding about this?

I mean I have been understanding about the fact that he has done no housework, cooking, dishes, laundry or cleanup this entire time but this is starting to drive me over the edge.

I have always had a hard time with conversation starters with him, he always turns everything around on me and I end up the bad guy in every discussion we have. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions about how I can try to approach him about this again?

I need some help here.....

 

You are NOT being a prude; he is being a rude, inconsiderate dick.

 

He is selfish too!

 

Tell him he has a hand, use it.

 

Sorry he is being such a jerk!

[2sunny]

he totally selfish and self centered... not thinking of you at all!

 

tell him to get busy doing things YOU need done. make HIM cook, clean and do laundry! why should HE be the only one standing around barking out his expectations? start having a voice! i assume this is the major pattern of your unhealthy marriage..., yes?

 

also, he may be setting you up so he can get it somewhere else without the guilt. kinda like "but you wouldn't give it to me so i HAD to get it from her."

 

either way he's acting like a jerk - tell him so!

 

if he acts this way all the time - what is attractive about staying in an unhealthy/unbalanced marriage?