faire l'amour Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Here's the thing...my bf and I have been dating for 4 months now. We are very serious too. We've talked of marriage...but have made it "futuristic"...no plans of when or thoughts of it being any time real soon. I'm having a hard time with him getting involved with my family. We mostly keep to ourselves or talk with his parents. He said he's more into immediate family, and not extended family. He did say that he would involve himself a little, but not go out of his way. He did also say that he would be very inviting to them, but he's not one to stay and talk for hours and it just confuses me. I don't really know how to take it. Is it just not a big deal? I know that if I'm around my extended family and he's with me he's not going to be rude and ignore them...but for some reason...I worry about it. His family has never been close with extended family, and mine has. I just wonder if it will cause a problem. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 How big is your extended family? maybe its overwhelming, my family is big, 60 people at thanksgiving, so it is strange for my cousin's bf or gfs that come from small famlies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author faire l'amour Posted March 1, 2004 Author Share Posted March 1, 2004 When the subject was brought up, I was talking about my niece. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Hmmm, im not sure why he would have an issue with that. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by faire l'amour Here's the thing...my bf and I have been dating for 4 months now. We are very serious too. We've talked of marriage...but have made it "futuristic"...no plans of when or thoughts of it being any time real soon. I'm having a hard time with him getting involved with my family. We mostly keep to ourselves or talk with his parents. I see two problems: 1. Why do you socialize with his parents but not with your family? What does it matter to him whether you're talking about parents or nieces? You're close to whomever you're close to, it shouldn't matter if it's immediate family or not. Does he socialize with your friends? As Darkangelism has observed, big families who spend lots of time together can be a bit difficult to adjust to for those who aren't accustomed to such family dynamics. But it doesn't sound like that's what's going on with you. I used to date someone who, in the 3 1/2 years we were together, spent a grand total of 45 minutes with my parents. Granted, my parents lived hundreds of miles away from the city we lived in, but they came down one weekend for the specific purpose of meeting my bf, and all he could manage was coffee for less than an hour. There were "perfectly good" reasons at the time, but in retrospect, it was a big warning sign. We spent more time with his parents (divorced) who lived much further away than mine did. We spent our time with his friends, not so much with mine. The point is that if he cares about you and wants to incorporate himself into your life, and you into his, he should want to interact with the people who are important to you -- whoever those people are. If you treasure your great Aunt Matilda, and spend at least an hour each week visiting her, he should at least be interested enough in your life and the people in it to occasionally go along with you -- not all the time, but at least once! 2. The other problem area I see is that you've been dating this guy for a rather short amount of time, and you clearly don't see eye-to-eye on some basic points (like who you socialize with), yet you two are discussing marriage. There seems to be a disconnect between the assumed level of intimacy you two share, and the real level of intimacy that you two share. I've been with my boyfriend for about three months. He has already met my sister (who came to town for a weekend) and he spent a considerable amount of time with her. Last night he went with me to a party that my doctoral adviser threw, and spent the evening chatting to people in my department. He hasn't met all of my friends yet because some of them live hours away, but he knows the details that I've shared about them -- and he remembers and will ask about them. Because he knows they're important to me. My boyfriend and I are nowhere near talking about permanency; and certainly not marriage. I'm not saying that everyone should follow the same progression... but it seems to me that you might want to think a bit about where you really are with your boyfriend. Obviously I don't know the whole story, but from what you've shared it doesn't sound to me like the two of you know each other well enough to be contemplating marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author faire l'amour Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 I would just like to remind you that we talked about it "futuristically". Meaning...we're not getting too hung up in it. We hardly ever talk about it, and when we do, it's more like the things he or I would want after marriage. I do agree with you about him wanting to be involved with the people who are important to me. I've really been doing some thinking on this. I'm not sure if things will work out or not. I've decided to sort of wait a little to see what exactly he means by "involved". His involvement may be enough for me...but I'm not sure. As you know...we've only been together for four months. I have been planning a trip across the state to visit my family, and he wants to go so he can meet them. He did say that he would spend a little time with me and my niece...but I don't fully know how much time he plans to spend. My niece is most likely coming in April sometime, so I've decided to wait and see. Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 I would just like to remind you that we talked about it "futuristically". And I'm sure we'd all like to remind you that you "brought it up." If it wasn't an important detail, you shouldn't have said it. It implies that you have "marriage on the mind." You also said "We are very serious too," although it doesn't sound like he's too serious about meeting your family, but there could be a number of reasons - and very few of them are bad. You mentioned that his entire immediate family is not to keen on their extended family. If he has some freakishly weird, obnoxious, or otherwise pain-in-the-ass relatives, maybe he just assumes that everyone else has a similar family dynamic. Maybe he assumes that the only people you would be very close to are the people who raised you. Plus, I would wait to see how the weekend with your niece goes. You don't actually know how he's going to interact, and offering to go across the country to see your folks shows initiative - even if you don't think it's enough. Plus, he's already said he would spend time with you and your niece. Maybe he doesn't want to feel like a third wheel. If you'd been together for years, it would be different, but four months is such a short time to be getting worked up about the family. It just sounds like you're expecting too much right now. I didn't even meet my boyfriend's parents until we had been dating for 6 months, and had been friends for a year. They also live across the country. He met mine after the one year mark. It had nothing to do with disinterest, but with comfort levels and schedules. Plus, if you badger him, you might make him feel even more uncomfortable. If the weekend with your niece is just a nice weekend of catching up, then include him casually. If you make a big deal about it, it's going to scare him off because the stakes are higher. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 I believe that you can address this problem to your boyfriend. However it is up to him to act how he is going to act. Free will is an interesting thing. There is, I fear, nothing that you can do in order to draw him and your family closer. If your relationship is four months old, perhaps it is too early yet to worry about this. Maybe in time, without futures being discussed, he may make some type of an attachment and involve himself more with your family. Until then I recommend not talking about the far future. A week or two in advance I find is appropriate, but planning something huge farther off than that sometimes can be uncomfortable to people, even if you do not think that what you are attempting to schedule is a very big deal. Analyze things on your own for a bit, and allow things to happen as they will. There are situations in life that we will never have control over. This may turn out to be one of them, but I wish you the very best in coming to a happy medium. Link to post Share on other sites
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