Married 16 years yet...

[clancampbell]

In a nutshell, I have been with the same women for 22 years. We have been married 16 of those, with two kids. In so many words she has told me she cannot love me like she used to and blames me that my selfishness is why she is acting like she does today. She wants to have fun, but it seems now that she'd rather do it without me.

 

We had a falling out back in November and I pledged to work harder on those things some women get upset about...helping out around the house, spending time with them, showing more affection publicly, etc... I really have tried to turn things around and am the point now where it seems now like she has no appreciation for it. Like more marriages, I think I took things for granted and this wake-up call made me rededicate my love for her.

 

I have on more than one occasion set up long weekend getaways to get her to see how much I care for her. Those getaway usually end up making me feel good about things...lord knows I am trying.

 

Rewind 2 weeks ago. My son had a baseball game that night. My wife tells me she is going to some jewelry party with an old co-worker. I told her, have fun and thought nothing much of it. She came home at a reasonable hour that night, kinda tipsy, but nothing seemed awry....she was out having fun with the girls was my thought at the time. The next morning I found a patch on the floor in the bedroom closet that is associated with a brand of liquor. Not entirely strange, as my wife is a liquor manager and often she brings home hats, posters, etc.... Later that day at a friend's house, they asked how the party was...I say what party...they say the liquor vendor party....I think...WTF?!? My wife LIED to me about this...why? Embarrassment, shame, or worse???

 

Over the past year or so she has on several occasions gone out with some of the various liquor vendors that supply to her store...a perk...free golf, wine tastings, etc...On one occasion I was invited, but just that once. She has found a new love for golf, so she does that whenever she can...almost always free. It makes me jealous that she does this as it's mostly guys, but i try and keep a poker face about it and tell her to have fun. She is now doing what says I used to do...kinda being selfish. Granted, back 10+ years ago, I used to play golf with the guys 1-2 month, but for social events, I never excluded her.

 

 

So here I am, having not confronted her about the LIE which is the thing really eating me up, but I still want her to love me and to be the one to say it, not "I love you too..."

 

I might be rambling on...thanks for listening!

 

=CC=

[GorillaTheater]

I'd say you have two confrontations to attend to as soon as possible. As in today.

 

The first is with her. Confront her with her lie. Tell her that lying is totally unacceptable, that you're not going to put up with it in any way, shape or form. But be calm, cool and collected. Don't raise your voice. Ask the questions you need to ask to find out the truth and why she felt the need to lie about it. Do not allow her to change the subject: "Don't you trust me?", "you're being controlling!", "so, am I not allowed to have friends??". Same with attampts to blameshift: "I had to lie because you're so <whatever>". Turn it calmly back to the subject of her lie and your need for the truth.

 

Now, I suspect that may seem a little scary. Here's where the second confrontation comes in. You need to confront yourself and find out what you're scared of. What's the worst that can happen? She'll want a divorce? She's seeing other men? Face your fears by visualizing them in full, bloody detail. And tell yourself this: that whatever happens, it's okay. You can handle it. Because you can. I've done it myself (married for 27 years and have gone through similar struggles).

 

You can handle it.

[luvstarved]

I hate to say it, but it sounds like she is punishing you for past transgressions. She complained, you responded, and somehow or another instead of accepting it and enjoying the changes, she has resentment enough built up that she wants some kind of payback. In some way, people do sometimes go a little crazy when they get what they want, it makes them feel that they have some sort of new power and end up using it instead of accepting the change as a gesture of love.

 

She might want you to "see how it feels" but it isn't going to help your marriage.

 

Definitely, call her on the lie and ask whether she acknowledges or appreciates the changes you have made, or if it feels like she now has a license to do the same.

[seibert253]

Screams of Mid Life Crises or Infidelity

ILUBNILWU = OM in probably 75% of the cases.

 

IMO your wife is engaged in too many interests outside of your marriage. Some of these, IE golf, you could be included. Me, personally I'd be concerned, but I'm looking at this from a jaded point of view.

 

You may want to investigate a little before jumping to conclusions as to your wifes fidelity. You don't want to think something's going on, but deep down inside you suspect this. I know you do, because I felt the same way.

 

I refused to investigate/snoop for a time. Thought it was below me, hurtfull for our marriage not to trust her, all the while I was going crazy because my gut was telling me "somethings not right". Eventually I installed a keylogger on our computer, checked her cellphone and records after she password protected her phone, then began to verify her whereabouts when she was "at XYZ's" (friends) house. XYZ's husband dimed her out because XYZ was covering for her.

The evidence; emails, texts, hours of cellphone calls, were shocking.

When confronted she lied, lied, then lied somemore, until i presented my evidence. Only then did I get the whole story.

 

So in summation, you need to confront her about what's truly going on, but have your ducks in a row and be totally informed before you do.

[clancampbell]

Cooked dinner...then suggested to wife we go for a walk because I wanted to talk to her about something...here we go.

 

After walking through the great belt of our subdivison, I stop when we are as far away from any snooping neighbors that might be listening...if this thing is going to blow up, at least they will have to make an effort.

 

"I just want to know...why did you lie about the party...?"

 

"Because I know you'd get pissed about it...cause you probably wanted to go"

 

"Well, I am 10x more pissed now that you lied to me"

 

"Who did you go with?"

 

"I went by myself...I only had one ticket...it was just to network with the vendors"

 

...at this point I am pretty convinced she is telling the truth...but in the back of my mind I have some doubts. I have looked at her cell phone and noticed a few calls that afternoon that jive with her story that she invited some old neighbors of ours (whom told me she was at the party instead of what she told me), and a couple liquor vendors. She erases her IMs from time to time, so I cannot be 100% certain. I want to believe it was just networking...I really do. Should I have been more assertive in my questioning...perhaps. I am just afraid of it blowing up in my face as she is a good person and someone I truly love...just confused.

 

 

We go on to walk a while and she scolds me for not understanding that networking is good in case she needs another job or get some of the perks (golf, parties, etc..) that come with it...Tit for tat...(no pun intended). I tell her I do understand repeatedly and start down that road saying I feel excluded, or she is trying to hide me. She explains how she really cannot invite me as she is a guest...anyways, sounds like I am uninvited which pisses me off.

 

We then arrive home and talk more about things...how I am trying to be a better husband...made changes she wants, etc...Again, the "you used to..." is thrown in my face, although the magnitude is overdone. I used to occasionally go golfing 1-2 month, play softball 1-2 week, etc...She wants to live, and I support that, but I won't want to be two boats at see that occasionally see each other at port one a week....you know?

 

She then goes on to suggest that it will never be like it was, that I will eventually fail in my changes I have made (in a nutshell, I cook more, I clean house more, I spend less time on the computer, I try and be more affectionate in public, etc...). She says "we'll see.." She says I don't like to do anything with her, I say, I like to golf...go out...etc..She says she is nagged I dont go to the movies with her/kids....which is true, but I am willing to do whatever, as I have been trying to show her.

 

In closing I said, "hey look...I don't mind you going out...just include me when you can...I feel left out..." She says ok. I say if she needs a ride, call me...I dont care..better than paying thousands for a DUI...uggg...

 

I want to get us into counseling ASAP, but do you think it's too late?

 

Thanks for listening...

 

=CC=

[clancampbell]

what does OM mean...I figured out the ILUBNILWU part.

[GorillaTheater]

"Other man".

 

I don't know whether it's too late or not, but there's two truisms here: if there is an OM, MC isn't going to do you one bit of good as far as changing the marriage. It may, however, help you in future relationships. Second, she has to be invested in wanting to improve the marriage. From what you write, I'm not clear on whether she is or not.

 

One way to find out for sure: ask her to go to counseling with you. Depending on how that goes, I think you'll find some of your answers.

 

And keep working on yourself, one way or the other. Don't do it for her or even necessarily for the marriage. Do it for you, because you want to continually strive to be a better man.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

what does OM mean...I figured out the ILUBNILWU part.

 

I love you but not in love with you.....

 

As for the other post and the excuses, nothing but a lone of bull.... She went to a party with vendores and neighbours and didn't bother to tell you or even consider inviting you.... Big trouble.....

 

Sorry....

[clancampbell]

I hope you it's just a midlife funk and years of pent up frustration...this is the only time I have ever thought there might be OM. I am 43 and my wife is 44 and her doctor says she is pre-osteo and going through some pre-menopause thing...so, add to the wishy-washy ways a woman can be and add the new physiological issues and perhaps this makes it worse?

 

From what one of her girlfriends told me as of a week ago which apparently she learned after the the party, my wife doesn't want to go anywhere and she does love me. She thinks my wife is trying to find herself, and we need to be friends like we once were. Her girlfriend is in early 50s and went through a divorce a couple years back after 25+ years together.

[2sure]

One of my first jobs , which I had for 8 years was as a rep for a wine and liq. vendor. You know by now that the business is very social and involves a lot of liquor and all that goes along with those elements. Late nights, parties, trips, etc. A lot of couples dont make it, just like the restaurant business but amplified.

 

So..dont jump to conclusions about someone else. Its probably more likely the secret she is hiding is a drinking problem.

 

She may, like many people in such long relationships and at her age simply be dealing with a mid life crisis and doesnt know who to blame but you.

[clancampbell]

2sure...agree. My wife works for the biggest grocery chain here where we live and he days off are Thurs/Sat and works early (6am-2pm). Furthermore, her store is one of the tops, so she gets kudos (aka incentives) from the distributor's district managers and such...In all these years, it has been taxing dealing with the schedule...believe me. I too have thought she drinks more than she should, but when she went on a fitness program a few months back she really cut back. Her biggest problem with booze is not knowing when to stop...

[FanFan]

2sure...agree. My wife works for the biggest grocery chain here where we live and he days off are Thurs/Sat and works early (6am-2pm). Furthermore, her store is one of the tops, so she gets kudos (aka incentives) from the distributor's district managers and such...In all these years, it has been taxing dealing with the schedule...believe me. I too have thought she drinks more than she should, but when she went on a fitness program a few months back she really cut back. Her biggest problem with booze is not knowing when to stop...

 

A women drinking without a partner at a PARTY full of other men. To further complicate things, she lied to her husband where she was at. Add one and one, you will get two.

[clancampbell]

I love you but not in love with you.....

 

As for the other post and the excuses, nothing but a lone of bull.... She went to a party with vendores and neighbours and didn't bother to tell you or even consider inviting you.... Big trouble.....

 

Sorry....

 

Todd...she did invite the neighbors, but they did not go as it was a Thursday night...as she explained to me, it was just networking...the lie is what makes this hard to take even if her explanation holds water.

[clancampbell]

I love you but not in love with you.....

 

As for the other post and the excuses, nothing but a lone of bull.... She went to a party with vendores and neighbours and didn't bother to tell you or even consider inviting you.... Big trouble.....

 

Sorry....

 

A women drinking without a partner at a PARTY full of other men. To further complicate things, she lied to her husband where she was at. Add one and one, you will get two.

 

Yes, there were other men...without naming names, it was a particular liquor's 160th anniversary party at a huge venue. It was pretty much open to the public, and not some private intimate party. Yes, she lied about it to me...and it hurts whether there is truth to the lie or not. I will have a hard time for now taking anything she does as truth. Time or circumstances will heal I hope.

[Untouchable_Fire]

2sure...agree. My wife works for the biggest grocery chain here where we live and he days off are Thurs/Sat and works early (6am-2pm). Furthermore, her store is one of the tops, so she gets kudos (aka incentives) from the distributor's district managers and such...In all these years, it has been taxing dealing with the schedule...believe me. I too have thought she drinks more than she should, but when she went on a fitness program a few months back she really cut back. Her biggest problem with booze is not knowing when to stop...

 

wow... just wow. This is exactly... and I mean exactly how my xGF acted before I caught her cheating.

 

Excluding me... blaming me for it(gaslighting), losing weight, lying about what she is doing... ect.

 

Seriously... you need to clamp down on her and right bloody now.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

She LIED...... She went to a party (public or private) and did not have the guts to tell you in any case and left you alone.

 

She is doing the "single thing" more and more and then pointing out that it "will/may never be the same"....... I usually give the benefit of the doubt, but what she is doing is networking for a new man, in highly charged liquor infused situations....

 

These excuses/events/parties/networking opportunities will be more and more frequent and when the bomb drops, she'll tell you she warned you a long time ago.....

[clancampbell]

She LIED...... She went to a party (public or private) and did not have the guts to tell you in any case and left you alone.

 

She is doing the "single thing" more and more and then pointing out that it "will/may never be the same"....... I usually give the benefit of the doubt, but what she is doing is networking for a new man, in highly charged liquor infused situations....

 

These excuses/events/parties/networking opportunities will be more and more frequent and when the bomb drops, she'll tell you she warned you a long time ago.....

 

Todd...thanks for the tough love...I am not sure what else I can do at this point short of monitoring everything she does. Granted, these networking events are at most once a month, but still...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Todd...thanks for the tough love...I am not sure what else I can do at this point short of monitoring everything she does. Granted, these networking events are at most once a month, but still...

 

 

I wish you luck, but please do search other posts with similar threads here and the tough love and advice espoused. I thought I read that the golf was more often as are the events..... I don't know what else to say, but that I hope for the best.....

[Untouchable_Fire]

Todd...thanks for the tough love...I am not sure what else I can do at this point short of monitoring everything she does. Granted, these networking events are at most once a month, but still...

 

Monitoring won't work... that's what I did and the result is you just find out. For you... maybe there is no cheating... so monitoring won't do squat.

 

Here is my suggestion. Clearly she doesn't trust that the changes you've made are going to last. You need to make her understand that its permanent.

 

Next... things wont get better by spending time apart. I'd mandate she be joined at your hip for 6 months.

 

Finally, you need to show her that no matter what.... your willing to fight for her. Walk through fire and such.

 

BUT... you can't be a husband to her without her permission... and right now she has pulled your permission slip. Tell her to give it back or get out!

[clancampbell]

ON average, things seem to have improved. She has toned down a bit...I still continue to try, but now I am working 400 miles away, commuting back home on the weekends. Got layed off in June and started this gig in SD in August....here is the latest.

 

I still feel like I am walking on eggshells...one day I will get a backbone.

 

My wife seems to txt this guy from work an awful lot. The both work mornings (grocery), and are work buddies. I am guessing he is about 10-15 years younger. I have briefly talked to him a few times, and was never really suspicious. Phone records show going back to 12/23, 128 sends, and 145 receives.

 

Most are before dinner time...I am not sure of the content, and have only attempted looking a couple times...never found anything from him...so, it really arouses my suspicion.

 

There is also, what I believe, going out with POSSIBLY him and other work friends. Wife buys kids something to eat and then is gone for hours. She always seems to have a good cover story (movies, union meeting, etc...)

 

Not sure what to do...I am 400 miles away.

[standtall]

CG, I feel for you man. Unfortunately, she might already be in an EA already, and possibly a PA with him. When you get home on the weekends you need to start snooping...key logging her computer, GPS her car, get into her phone. Good Luck

[dreamingoftigers]

yup, get er done. it's pretty cheap actually.