lofi_tokyo Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Okay you guys. I've been reading break-up threads even when I was in a (still am - sort of) relationship. I guess I enjoyed trying to give advice now and then. One thing I'm realizing just now is how hard it is to go NC. Holy crap! I remember struggling with my previous ex on NC. It killed me and I counted each day. And now with him, I couldn't tell you how long it has been. So when I'd read threads about people saying how hard NC is in the last couple months, I'd just think "they'll get over it, stop being so dramatic". Well I'm currently on a "break" with my boyfriend. We're not seeing other people, we're just giving eachother space. The time limit we agreed on is a couple weeks, just to sort out all the emotions we have flying all over the place. I personally keep flipping between "this is hurting me and I'm scared of relationships, I want to run for the hills" and "I know this guy is amazing and I want to be with him". It has exhausted my boyfriend so much that we're on this break. I feel like if I'm going to prove to him that I'm taking this seriously - that I have indeed sorted out my emotions, that I NEED to give him at least a week. Maybe two. But NC is so damn hard. UGH. Props to all of you guys doing it.
Billie The Puppet Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I'm just saying from experience breaks are really break ups in a softer sense. You put all your trust you are not seeing other people, you give each other space etc, however the issues that caused the need for the break in the first place are often not discussed. On top of that one party will be seen as eager to end the break wether it be mutual decision or not it makes that party unattractive. Often breaks are followed by a break up be it after reconciliation or after the break one realizes they are happy out of the relationship. I had a break - reconciled - break up Definately discuss the issues if the break ends.
Author lofi_tokyo Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 Hmm well! I went to a therapist today (for my first time ever!) and she thinks a break is fine and that this is really healthy for both of us. I have a lot of things to do for myself - mostly finding balance in my life. But I can do that! I can! Regardless of how things turn out, I'll be okay. I'm FINALLY adressing some much needed issues. Yes! I'm feeling really positive. I'd like to give him time still because he needs space for him. And I feel like I just got a big bunch of building blocks and now I need to turn them into something before I bug him anyways. Yay. And also! You know what? I think a lot of breaks don't work. Because you keep coming back to the same problems. You know what's different though? I'm making a proactive change for myself. I can't change him, that's not my responsibility, but I'd love to better myself and yeah. I mean who knows, maybe I'll be a negative person a month from now if we fail, but we haven't yet, and I've still got a lot to do. So its okay. Whew.
michaelc82 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Well I went on a "break" with my girl.. she decided she wanted to move out of our house, and needed some time to be on her own, and get her own apartment. After the break I asked her what she wanted to do, and she still didn't know, so I broke it off with her. This was the hardest thing either of us have ever done in our lives, and we're both pretty damn hurt by this. She's now seeing someone else (which is a complete rebound relationships) and I'm stuck all alone living in the house we lived in together. I don't really have any words of wisdom to give you, other than if it doesn't feel right, and no matter how hard it might be to let the other person go, follow your gut. I'm at almost 1 month NC, and I still love her more than ever. I'm at work right now, staring into my monitor typing on some stupid broken hearts forum... I hope this pain goes away soon. Not sure how much longer I can take this.
Author lofi_tokyo Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 I guess our relationship doesn't feel wrong though. I think everybody has their own issues. I have mine, but I also tend to internalize the problems of the people I'm seeing as if it is my fault. I think my boyfriend is similar in this way. So we both feel so terrible that the other person has their problems that we can't fix, and it makes both of us inadequate. If I can just accept that the things he struggles with are not my problem, and likewise he accepts that my struggles are not reflective of his behaviour, then were off to a good start. If he was uncomfortable around me, or found me unattractive, or found me unappealing in some way, I'd understand. But that isn't the case. Its more like I keep repeating a negative chain of things and so does he. I can fix my end. That's all I really can do. And I guess I can hope that if/when we get back together 100%, I'm a positive enough example that he stops blaming himself for my feelings that are out of his control.
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