Haywire

[Star_Bright]

I don't really have a question, I am just venting/ posting an update of where I'm at and seeing if anyone can relate or help me, because I feel really down at the moment. If you don't know my story, briefly, MM technically moved out but was keeping lots of toes in the door with his wife and seeming undecided and not taking action unless I "made" him do it, by telling him I couldn't go on like this and I needed to be alone until he was actually taking definitive action to get divorced. Then he became jealous and possessive and controlling and that is ultimately what made me say goodbye for good.

 

When I was in the affair with MM my emotions were all over the place. Now, having walked away and trying to stay away, my emotions are still all over the place. I actually felt stronger when I was trying to break it off with MM than I do now that the deed is done.

 

For awhile he was continually trying to contact me, and that made me angry, which made it easier to feel strong. Then he sent me an email basically telling me he's sorry for any hurt he caused me, he understands why I couldn't continue and why I had to walk away, now that the choice has been forced upon him he understands that it's the right thing to do, because now he can have more time to focus on his relationship with the kids. He says he is still out of the house and he still wants to get divorced and that he loves me and always will.

 

I guess the problem is that I believe him. As messed up as he is and as badly as he handled some things with me, I had always felt that he truly loved me (perhaps not the best kind of love, and obviously not the kind I needed, but in his way he did love me). So now I just feel like, wow, what was that whirlwind? How could he love me and also show me such disrespect at times? Why did I put up with it and why do I still miss him and still for some stupid reason have hope that maybe we could still work out? I just feel foolish and weak. (Sometimes I feel strong and smart -- and I sing Rent lyrics at the top of my lungs while I clean my house and dance with my dog, ha ha ha. I love those times. But other times I feel sad and nostalgic and still hopeful, I think the hopeful part is the part I hate the most).

 

Any former OWs who can relate? Or maybe I just want to talk to anyone about anything at all because I feel crappy! I thought I had jumped off the roller-coaster but sometimes I feel that I'm still on it. Maybe MM wasn't causing it, maybe I am just crazy!

[UntoldStory]

Hey SB, when my roller coaster car passes underneath yours, I promise to throw my hands up in the air and scream and wave!!!

 

I am just like you right now. I'm 3+ weeks NC at this point and most of the first 2 were pretty awful. Constant calls to friends who would listen, constant texts to friends asking them to remind me why I shouldn't text him, tears welling up at the most inconvenient times, etc.

 

This weekend I had the best convo with a friend who's been through a lot of similar stuff. We were hiking at the time, so it was a hiking metaphor, but she said, "What if, instead of being down in the dark trees in the valley, like you feel like you are now, you really were just below treeline, about to see the summit? Your view would be the same, but you would know you didn't have much further to go, and that the worst was behind you." It made all the difference for me to think that way. The decisions have been made, and there's still pain, but nothing's gonna get any worse. Things can only get better. I think the same is true for you, SB.

 

Keep posting and screaming!

[Star_Bright]

Hey SB, when my roller coaster car passes underneath yours, I promise to throw my hands up in the air and scream and wave!!!

 

I am just like you right now. I'm 3+ weeks NC at this point and most of the first 2 were pretty awful. Constant calls to friends who would listen, constant texts to friends asking them to remind me why I shouldn't text him, tears welling up at the most inconvenient times, etc.

 

This weekend I had the best convo with a friend who's been through a lot of similar stuff. We were hiking at the time, so it was a hiking metaphor, but she said, "What if, instead of being down in the dark trees in the valley, like you feel like you are now, you really were just below treeline, about to see the summit? Your view would be the same, but you would know you didn't have much further to go, and that the worst was behind you." It made all the difference for me to think that way. The decisions have been made, and there's still pain, but nothing's gonna get any worse. Things can only get better. I think the same is true for you, SB.

 

Keep posting and screaming!

 

Thanks, UntoldStory! That is the kind of encouragement I was looking for... such a good metaphor. I do have tears welling up at inconvenient times! Usually I just let myself cry if at all possible. But when I'm at work etc. I try to focus on positive things to not dwell on it and stop the tears. So I will think of the hiking metaphor, thank you. I wish you well in your own NC... man it's hard!

[Star_Bright]

Here is another question, what do you think, UntoldStory (or anyone)?

 

I don't feel ready to date, I don't feel ready for any kind of romantic relationship. But should I make myself date? Should I just be friends with guys who want to date and see what comes of it later? Should I avoid guys all together because sometimes just the thought of them makes me want to throw up? ???

[Confused4Now]

Here is another question, what do you think, UntoldStory (or anyone)?

 

I don't feel ready to date, I don't feel ready for any kind of romantic relationship. But should I make myself date? Should I just be friends with guys who want to date and see what comes of it later? Should I avoid guys all together because sometimes just the thought of them makes me want to throw up? ???

Do what I do...While I'm working on myself through therapy. Make it a point to go out in groups. I rarely find myself in a one on one situation. Get involved in Social activities. I joined a bowling league, I'm playing tennis now in leagues. I'm telling you....not only are you meeting lots of people but you have a opportunity to meet a future potential person. Just take your time and relax and breath. Trust me I know....I locked myself in my room for over a year while dealing with my D and xMW....so I KNOW.

[Hazyhead]

Hey

 

Keep your head up and break on through it. You'll do it. I know how cr@ppy it is right now, and will be for some time... but there will be a time when you will be free from the pain that thinking of him brings you.

 

I wouldn't date right now, because it has the potential to make you think of him more, but going out with your friends and flirting will do you some good. Enjoy your freedom, hon.

 

Stay strong and please keep NC, this way you will find peace and happiness.

[UntoldStory]

I'm in a different situation - still not quite separated (working out the details, hopefully will finalize it all within the next couple of weeks). I personally would love to get out there one on one and start getting over xMM if possible but for now, I just keep myself busy with friends. I agree it really helps to be with groups, as they tend to keep your energy positive. Focus on bringing back all the stuff into your life that you find joy in, that you've been putting aside bc of the time and energy you've been investing with xMM. It's harder when your ex shares a lot of the same interests because everything will be a trigger. That's why going out with good friends who might have different interests from you might be a good idea.

[Star_Bright]

Do what I do...While I'm working on myself through therapy. Make it a point to go out in groups. I rarely find myself in a one on one situation. Get involved in Social activities. I joined a bowling league, I'm playing tennis now in leagues. I'm telling you....not only are you meeting lots of people but you have a opportunity to meet a future potential person. Just take your time and relax and breath. Trust me I know....I locked myself in my room for over a year while dealing with my D and xMW....so I KNOW.

 

Ok thanks. I've been asked out a couple times recently and I just say no thanks, I just got out of a relationship and would like to be alone for awhile (and this was before I totally called it quits with ex MM! )

 

I'm involved in a few groups and in fact I just got an email from a guy in one of them which is what prompted me to ask this question. We both like a particular series and he told me he got the last season in on DVD and asked whether I'd like to come watch some episodes with him. I kinda freaked out! He seems like a nice enough guy but at this point I have no idea whether he'd be a "potential" person... I feel like there's no way I would even know right now who else I would want to date. I've been with ex MM the entire time I knew this guy from the group so I never really looked at him as a potential or not and now I don't know where to start with that. Honestly I would like to hang out with him as friends because I'm lonely and I like that TV series and I guess I think why not. But I don't know if that sends the message that I want to date him or if I couch it as "I just want to be friends" if that would offend him. Ha ha. I do have other friends (girls... I've never really had guy friends) so maybe I should tell him no thanks, I'm busy, and do something with the other friends instead!

 

Thanks for the advice. I hope I can get to a place where I can even think of whether I'm romantically interested in a guy. Right now I just feel like, wtf, I don't know! Ha ha.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Star, I'm really proud of you. I think we all know where my story ended up, but not too long ago we had a lot in common. I think if I let go entirely I will feel so much like you are right now. Like it's pointless to let go when I still 'WANT' it. Like I won't move on and find that sweet spot in my life because my heart is still stuck on what I let go. The drama is more than I need to handle and the mm's clearly have a lot to work out on their own. That much has not changed, but I do still dwell on what it would mean for me' to walk away entirely, and if he would even let that happen, or if I could see it through. Just wanted u to know you're not alone.

[UntoldStory]

Hah - totally depends. After going through what you've been through (are still going through), probably best to stay away from anyone who might even potentially complicate your life further... But if he seems like he'd be OK with literally just hanging out, watching TV, and going home, it might be a nice crutch for you. You don't have to be romantically interested in him. I know I'm spending more time with my brothers recently than I used to, probably because I just miss having dependable guys in my life. They appreciate it and I appreciate it. Win-win.

[Star_Bright]

Star, I'm really proud of you. I think we all know where my story ended up, but not too long ago we had a lot in common. I think if I let go entirely I will feel so much like you are right now. Like it's pointless to let go when I still 'WANT' it. Like I won't move on and find that sweet spot in my life because my heart is still stuck on what I let go. The drama is more than I need to handle and the mm's clearly have a lot to work out on their own. That much has not changed, but I do still dwell on what it would mean for me' to walk away entirely, and if he would even let that happen, or if I could see it through. Just wanted u to know you're not alone.

 

Well as much as I miss ex MM and still have this strange sense of hope about us (which doesn't make a lot of sense to me), I really do WANT to be okay without him. I am going in the direction that I want my life to be in. I want to be happy without him. I was never truly happy, as in content, with him because I was always sucked into the drama and wondering why he was doing or not doing things and what decisions he was and wasn't making etc. I want to be able to focus just on myself. Right now I am having a hard time doing that because I keep sliding back into thinking about MM; I guess I have just become programmed to do that. But eventually I think I will be focused on me. I hope so anyway! So I WANT to stay away from ex MM more than I WANT to be with him, if that makes any sense. I want the sweet spot in my life to be me. I was sick of needing him and worrying about what HE chose to do.

 

Good luck Karma.

[Star_Bright]

Hey

 

Keep your head up and break on through it. You'll do it. I know how cr@ppy it is right now, and will be for some time... but there will be a time when you will be free from the pain that thinking of him brings you.

 

I wouldn't date right now, because it has the potential to make you think of him more, but going out with your friends and flirting will do you some good. Enjoy your freedom, hon.

 

Stay strong and please keep NC, this way you will find peace and happiness.

 

Thanks Hazy! I like your last line and I totally agree with it. It helps me stay focused on what I really want, thanks.

[Owl]

Star, here's my suggestion.

 

It doesn't matter if the relationship was an affair or not...although an affair can be harder to 'get over' than some other relationships.

 

You're grieving the loss of that relationship...totally understandable.

 

I'd say that there's no pressure on you to do ANYTHING.

 

Date if you want to...don't if you're not ready.

 

Find ways to cope with the stress. Excersise is great for this...if you've not been going to the gym and/or working out...maybe now is the time to start?

 

Take up martial arts, or running. Something that occupies your mind and your body...wears you out so you can sleep and at the same time helps occupy the time you've got on your hands now.

 

And recognize that it's ok to grieve. Realize that the pain isn't forever...I'm sure this isn't the first relationship you've had end that you didn't want to see go. Know that this is the same thing...recognize it, accept it, and deal with it accordingly.

 

Hang in there, friend.

[Star_Bright]

I'm in a different situation - still not quite separated (working out the details, hopefully will finalize it all within the next couple of weeks). I personally would love to get out there one on one and start getting over xMM if possible but for now, I just keep myself busy with friends. I agree it really helps to be with groups, as they tend to keep your energy positive. Focus on bringing back all the stuff into your life that you find joy in, that you've been putting aside bc of the time and energy you've been investing with xMM. It's harder when your ex shares a lot of the same interests because everything will be a trigger. That's why going out with good friends who might have different interests from you might be a good idea.

 

I want to be in that place where I'm wanting to get out there and date one on one. But I don't think I'll really be able to focus on another person for at least six months. That's what I'm thinking anyway.

 

I'm glad you are focused on the future and not the past. I'm trying to do the same...

[Star_Bright]

Star, here's my suggestion.

 

It doesn't matter if the relationship was an affair or not...although an affair can be harder to 'get over' than some other relationships.

 

You're grieving the loss of that relationship...totally understandable.

 

I'd say that there's no pressure on you to do ANYTHING.

 

Date if you want to...don't if you're not ready.

 

Find ways to cope with the stress. Excersise is great for this...if you've not been going to the gym and/or working out...maybe now is the time to start?

 

Take up martial arts, or running. Something that occupies your mind and your body...wears you out so you can sleep and at the same time helps occupy the time you've got on your hands now.

 

And recognize that it's ok to grieve. Realize that the pain isn't forever...I'm sure this isn't the first relationship you've had end that you didn't want to see go. Know that this is the same thing...recognize it, accept it, and deal with it accordingly.

 

Hang in there, friend.

 

Thanks Owl. I used to run and work out all the time but now I just sit around getting miserably fat (not really, but I've gained weight) and trying not to drown my sorrows in too much alcohol. I agree, exercise is a lot more productive and it will make me feel good to get back into it! Thanks.

[Sexiness]

I don't really have a question, I am just venting/ posting an update of where I'm at and seeing if anyone can relate or help me, because I feel really down at the moment. If you don't know my story, briefly, MM technically moved out but was keeping lots of toes in the door with his wife and seeming undecided and not taking action unless I "made" him do it, by telling him I couldn't go on like this and I needed to be alone until he was actually taking definitive action to get divorced. Then he became jealous and possessive and controlling and that is ultimately what made me say goodbye for good.

 

When I was in the affair with MM my emotions were all over the place. Now, having walked away and trying to stay away, my emotions are still all over the place. I actually felt stronger when I was trying to break it off with MM than I do now that the deed is done.

 

For awhile he was continually trying to contact me, and that made me angry, which made it easier to feel strong. Then he sent me an email basically telling me he's sorry for any hurt he caused me, he understands why I couldn't continue and why I had to walk away, now that the choice has been forced upon him he understands that it's the right thing to do, because now he can have more time to focus on his relationship with the kids. He says he is still out of the house and he still wants to get divorced and that he loves me and always will.

 

I guess the problem is that I believe him. As messed up as he is and as badly as he handled some things with me, I had always felt that he truly loved me (perhaps not the best kind of love, and obviously not the kind I needed, but in his way he did love me). So now I just feel like, wow, what was that whirlwind? How could he love me and also show me such disrespect at times? Why did I put up with it and why do I still miss him and still for some stupid reason have hope that maybe we could still work out? I just feel foolish and weak. (Sometimes I feel strong and smart -- and I sing Rent lyrics at the top of my lungs while I clean my house and dance with my dog, ha ha ha. I love those times. But other times I feel sad and nostalgic and still hopeful, I think the hopeful part is the part I hate the most).

 

Any former OWs who can relate? Or maybe I just want to talk to anyone about anything at all because I feel crappy! I thought I had jumped off the roller-coaster but sometimes I feel that I'm still on it. Maybe MM wasn't causing it, maybe I am just crazy!

 

No u definitely not crazy.... The bond between the OW and MM is a bond like no other...... I have not been through this but I am the OW and I can't even face NC but for u to have gone through it for 3 weeks says that u are a strong willed person and I believe when u are truly done then there's nothing that's gonna stop u.....it's ok to miss him but just don't settle for anything less.. Maybe If u feel up to it u can go on a date or take an all girls trip ......

[scatterd]

When you are in a realationship and love the person its hard to except and get over it.I have found I did not heal untill I totally let go and knew their was no hope of us ever being together.Holding on to any thought of another chance or holding on to the realationship in any way made it alot longer to get over the day you know its over you will heal and then you will be ready to date I hope you can come to terms with it and I wish you well.You are your own person so treat yourself well love yourself and do anything you need to

help you feel better remember you know what you need to do weather its dating or just doing things to keep him out of your head sometime having a male friend to talk to helps.good luck and big hugs:bunny:

[Star_Bright]

When you are in a realationship and love the person its hard to except and get over it.I have found I did not heal untill I totally let go and knew their was no hope of us ever being together.Holding on to any thought of another chance or holding on to the realationship in any way made it alot longer to get over the day you know its over you will heal and then you will be ready to date I hope you can come to terms with it and I wish you well.You are your own person so treat yourself well love yourself and do anything you need to

help you feel better remember you know what you need to do weather its dating or just doing things to keep him out of your head sometime having a male friend to talk to helps.good luck and big hugs:bunny:

 

You are right! I think my issue is that I am still hanging onto ex MM in my heart. That was a constant theme with us -- I would say I needed a break and he would say we can't just shelve it, we have to pursue it or let it go, and I knew what he meant-- that it's unfair for both of us to be waiting to see if something happens, we need to either make it a goal and stick with it or give it up so we can just really focus on ourselves and part of that does involve getting over each other.

 

I feel like it all ended so badly that there was no real closure (which I know is rarely possible in relationships, let alone affairs). But when I got his email and realized he is trying to do the right thing and doesn't hate me, in fact still loves me, I guess it gave me hope. And then it's hard to move on when I have hope. But, like I told Karma, I want to be okay and happy on my own more than I want to keep pining away wondering what will happen with ex MM. I have to tell myself I did my best and it just didn't work out and it's on to whatever's next for me.

 

Thanks for this insight. I think I really have to give up all hope of ex MM in my heart in order to really move on. Which I can do if I think of it that way.

[Star_Bright]

No u definitely not crazy.... The bond between the OW and MM is a bond like no other...... I have not been through this but I am the OW and I can't even face NC but for u to have gone through it for 3 weeks says that u are a strong willed person and I believe when u are truly done then there's nothing that's gonna stop u.....it's ok to miss him but just don't settle for anything less.. Maybe If u feel up to it u can go on a date or take an all girls trip ......

 

True, the bond was deep, we both relied on and needed each other a lot, plus the feelings and the time spent together. You are right that I don't want to settle for anything less than I know I deserve, so that means no MM at all!

 

I am going on a weekend trip with one of my sisters soon. So that should help!

 

Thanks!

[Patrice]

This is your time to heal you. Shut him out and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, expand your support system in other ways. Keep yourself healthy and fit, get a pedicure .... baby yourself for a bit and forgive yourself.

Stages of grief will range from rage to despair ... to final acceptance. In the meantime, you keep taking better steps for yourself.

[Ellin]

I don't really have a question, I am just venting/ posting an update of where I'm at and seeing if anyone can relate or help me, because I feel really down at the moment. If you don't know my story, briefly, MM technically moved out but was keeping lots of toes in the door with his wife and seeming undecided and not taking action unless I "made" him do it, by telling him I couldn't go on like this and I needed to be alone until he was actually taking definitive action to get divorced. Then he became jealous and possessive and controlling and that is ultimately what made me say goodbye for good.

 

When I was in the affair with MM my emotions were all over the place. Now, having walked away and trying to stay away, my emotions are still all over the place. I actually felt stronger when I was trying to break it off with MM than I do now that the deed is done.

 

For awhile he was continually trying to contact me, and that made me angry, which made it easier to feel strong. Then he sent me an email basically telling me he's sorry for any hurt he caused me, he understands why I couldn't continue and why I had to walk away, now that the choice has been forced upon him he understands that it's the right thing to do, because now he can have more time to focus on his relationship with the kids. He says he is still out of the house and he still wants to get divorced and that he loves me and always will.

 

I guess the problem is that I believe him. As messed up as he is and as badly as he handled some things with me, I had always felt that he truly loved me (perhaps not the best kind of love, and obviously not the kind I needed, but in his way he did love me). So now I just feel like, wow, what was that whirlwind? How could he love me and also show me such disrespect at times? Why did I put up with it and why do I still miss him and still for some stupid reason have hope that maybe we could still work out? I just feel foolish and weak. (Sometimes I feel strong and smart -- and I sing Rent lyrics at the top of my lungs while I clean my house and dance with my dog, ha ha ha. I love those times. But other times I feel sad and nostalgic and still hopeful, I think the hopeful part is the part I hate the most).

 

Any former OWs who can relate? Or maybe I just want to talk to anyone about anything at all because I feel crappy! I thought I had jumped off the roller-coaster but sometimes I feel that I'm still on it. Maybe MM wasn't causing it, maybe I am just crazy!

 

Star Bright, I'm concerned about how you see the fact that you believe him as a problem.

 

Were your decision affected by outside influence that have been telling you that you shouldn't believe him? (Like LS posters for example?)

 

If so, then it's not good. It's never good if you follow advice that goes against your own intuition and judgement, and surely not if it's not from someone who knows you well and truly cares about you. After all, you are the one who knows your situation, your feelings and your MM better than anyone.

 

If you love him and he loves you, are you sure that you really want to definitely close this chapter?

[Star_Bright]

Star Bright, I'm concerned about how you see the fact that you believe him as a problem.

 

Were your decision affected by outside influence that have been telling you that you shouldn't believe him? (Like LS posters for example?)

 

If so, then it's not good. It's never good if you follow advice that goes against your own intuition and judgement, and surely not if it's not from someone who knows you well and truly cares about you. After all, you are the one who knows your situation, your feelings and your MM better than anyone.

 

If you love him and he loves you, are you sure that you really want to definitely close this chapter?

 

I always believed that he loved me and I often believed that he was serious about wanting to get divorced and be with me, but the problem was that he was dragging his feet and wanting to keep both options open and I just couldn't handle it. That and his jealousy/possessive control issues were driving me crazy. So I did go with my gut and not outside influences, but it's still hard, you know? In some ways I wish he had just told me he was going back home... because then the door would be closed for good, and by his doing, not mine. It just feels harder when I'm the one who keeps having to keep the door shut. Thanks for your input Ellin.

[TigerCub]

Hey SB,

 

I totally understand what you'r going through. It sucks major a$$

I think its the kind of thing you just have to ride out - you will have your strong days and enjoy those, and be very proud of yourself....but its inevitable to miss MM and wonder about all the stuff that could have happened.

 

It's been 5 weeks (I think) since I've last talked to xMM, and I'm going through the exact same thing you are.

I have a lot more "Strong" days, but last night, for example, I just burst into tears, I couldn't stop crying because the pain felt so overwhelming.

 

In my case, it was all the good memories, it was wondering if he even thought of me anymore, it was wondering if he really did love me at all (when I was in the A, I really felt that he did, but now that seems so far away - that I can't be sure anymore).

 

So, days like that will happen, but along comes a new day when the feeling of strength returns and the feeling of being proud for not setteling is dominant.

 

You'll get through it.

 

***HUGS***

[Ellin]

I always believed that he loved me and I often believed that he was serious about wanting to get divorced and be with me, but the problem was that he was dragging his feet and wanting to keep both options open and I just couldn't handle it. That and his jealousy/possessive control issues were driving me crazy. So I did go with my gut and not outside influences, but it's still hard, you know? In some ways I wish he had just told me he was going back home... because then the door would be closed for good, and by his doing, not mine. It just feels harder when I'm the one who keeps having to keep the door shut. Thanks for your input Ellin.

 

I understand that both him dragging his feet and being jealous could make you fed up, so if keeping away is what feels right for you that's absolutely fine. Of course it won't be easy.

 

I mentioned outside influence because on your other thread people went wild with assumptions, with many stating that the man is definitely violent, is abusing his W and will physically and verbally abuse you if you get together. The truth is that possessiveness is present in most violent Rs, but it doesn't work the other way - not all jealous people are violent, soma are just insecure and this can be dealt with.

 

If you're sure about your decisions and believe he's not ready to give you what you deserve, then you'll be ok in the end, despite all those moment when things become hard. Feeling that you're true to yourself will give you strength.

 

Don't expect to be able to date others too soon, give yourself a bit of time, in which you concentrate on anything that makes you happy even for a while and in time it will all become easier.

 

When you start "noticing" other guys you'll not it's time.

 

Best of luck.

[Star_Bright]

This is good to know.Thanks TC for letting me know it does get better with time. I think sometimes I just have to remember that!

 

Hey SB,

 

I totally understand what you'r going through. It sucks major a$$

I think its the kind of thing you just have to ride out - you will have your strong days and enjoy those, and be very proud of yourself....but its inevitable to miss MM and wonder about all the stuff that could have happened.

 

It's been 5 weeks (I think) since I've last talked to xMM, and I'm going through the exact same thing you are.

I have a lot more "Strong" days, but last night, for example, I just burst into tears, I couldn't stop crying because the pain felt so overwhelming.

 

In my case, it was all the good memories, it was wondering if he even thought of me anymore, it was wondering if he really did love me at all (when I was in the A, I really felt that he did, but now that seems so far away - that I can't be sure anymore).

 

So, days like that will happen, but along comes a new day when the feeling of strength returns and the feeling of being proud for not setteling is dominant.

 

You'll get through it.

 

***HUGS***