inec Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Hello Guys, I just joined this site because I am desperately searching for answers. My boyfriend broke up with me about one month ago. We had been getting into petty arguments, and I had suggested us taking a break, but he was always so against it. Anyway, he broke up with me in a particular mean way. I felt like I hurt him, so I did my best to try and get him back. I mean I was pathetic!! I didn't even recognize myself. I was crying, begging, pleading for us to give it another chance. I did this for about 2 weeks. He started to become down right rude after a while, and I still didn't get the hint. I felt that the break up was my fault, and I didn't even realize how much he resented me for suggesting taking a break. Anyway, the last straw was when he told me he was going through a lot right now. So, I was actually very concerned. He told me he would meet me. Long story short, he made me wait, and had no intention of meeting me that night. He kept on telling me he was on his way while he wasn't. (I just can't wrap my head around why he would do something like that). Anyway, after that, I said ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. I deleted him from all aspects of my life. Five days after that night he called. I didn't answer. He then called me another 4 days later..I didn't answer. He then sends me a text saying that he is checking up on me. And I guess I'm not answering. I didn't respond. I miss him and love him so much, but he has done me sooooo dirty! Do people really change? Like, even when you're mad at someone, can a loved one really treat you this way. I don't think I have hated/loved someone so much in my life. Should I respond to his text message? Call him? Or just leave it alone? Please help. I've always been a proponent of keeping in contact with your ex, but I'm not so sure about this one...any advice will help
bleeg Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Can you be with someone who has treated you with disrespect? Let it go and let him work for it. If he really cares, let him show he wants you back without you chasing him.
Author inec Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 Thank you for your response bleeg. I know you're right. I just keep trying to justify his actions, I guess. I mean, just a month prior this man went on holiday with me and my entire family. How can you break up after that?
Nkognito Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I've not been on these boards long either but I have seen some very good responses to peoples threads. In your particular issue, he is just contacting you for a ego check. Unless he pleads with you saying he misses you enough to know he made a mistake and wants to get back with you then he will not change. People will say you deserve someone else, someone better but the same goes for second chances. Considering how you two ended your relationship. You deserve him having to prove it to you. Don't settle for "ego checks" because that's all it is. Unless the words mistake, made, want or back are said in a voicemail then maybe but second chances require more of his effort than yours and if he is not dedicated to you, the relationship or what he wants then it will fail. Don't be surprised if he gets with you, sleeps with you, then have second thoughts. If he knows you can be used like that then he will keep you at bay and sit on the fence until something better comes along. Cut your losses pussycat, you dont need that drama in your life.
Author inec Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 thank you for your advice Nkognito. I do have another question: can I ever tell him how I really feel? Like, just sit him and down and let him know how much he hurt me with his lies and half-truths? Is there really any point? I have to contact him one day because he has something of mine I need. I was going to wait a month or so and send a short email asking him to return it. What do you guys think?
carhill Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 What was he going through? Was it a life-altering experience? Regardless, time will balance perspective. He knows where you live and presumably has two feet. When all is balanced, if there is sufficient interest, as the dumper, and evidently a mean one at that, he'll come to you and appropriately apologize in person and proceed from there. In the meantime, facilitate that by giving him the alone time he needs to get through whatever he's going through. Total NC. Like I said, he knows where you live and you know what you want from a healthy relationship. Right?
Author inec Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 Basically, he has been struggling financially, but I knew that. He told me about 2 weeks after our break up that it was the lowest he had been. I do think he may have just wanted me to feel sorry for him. He does know where to reach me, you're right. On the other hand, part of me feels like he doesn't even think he has done anything wrong!!! I just wished I never let him in in the first place.
carhill Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I had suggested us taking a break, but he was always so against it. Anyway, he broke up with me in a particular mean way. That's how it ended, presuming this version is accurate. Hence, he wanted to leave the relationship. OK, accepted. Any future reconciliation necessarily will be initiated by him. At this point, especially after ineffectually pursuing him post break-up, he doesn't want you. If, at some future point, he does, it will be his responsibility to take the appropriate steps to reconcile and own his part in the break-up. Leave that to him, without comment. Someone once told me that life challenges (death, money, family, etc) either bring a couple closer together or split them apart. You saw an example of this. It's good information. It says a lot about the couple's respective psychologies and compatibility. Good luck
Nkognito Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 thank you for your advice Nkognito. I do have another question: can I ever tell him how I really feel? Like, just sit him and down and let him know how much he hurt me with his lies and half-truths? Is there really any point? No problem but no it won't help, one of two things will happen, 1) It will become a arguement which you will regret. 2) He will apologize profusely giving you hope but when he returns to reality he will fall into the same person he was before. He needs time to figure himself out, right now his goal is to get out of this financial burden. If he cannot provide for himself then he will not be able to provide for others. Right now his priorities are not in order and he needs time in solitary to get his responsibilities right. His confidence is shot because of this and you might feel guilty about it but because of his money problems, his rudeness to you will still be present. Do you really want that to continue? Maybe him being rude is a direct result of his problems but this is exactly why you need to space yourself from him. I have to contact him one day because he has something of mine I need. I was going to wait a month or so and send a short email asking him to return it. What do you guys think? If he does not return it to you on his own then you might want to do just that but dont drag it out to anything because a month to fix financial issues is not enough. When my summer fling dumped me, I tried to give her stuff to her friend just to get rid of it. She didnt like that I did that so I did exactly what Carhill suggested and hopped in my jeep, drove to her loft, causally played innocent to get into her building and left it in a box at her door. I sent a text to her "(Name) I put your stuff in a box at your door. You said what you wanted me to hear. This way is just better for me. Goodbye (Name)" She text me back about 40 minutes later "take care of yourself". I have not said one thing to her, I removed her from facebook and all that mess. It hurts but I have weathered worse storms and while this one is confusing and rejection sucks considering who I know I am, I just have to accept it. In the end you will not be able to change someones behavior, they have to change and telling him all the things he made you feel, the hurt he put on you will not give you any more closure than distancing yourself.
thatsonlyme Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 thank you for your advice Nkognito. I do have another question: can I ever tell him how I really feel? Like, just sit him and down and let him know how much he hurt me with his lies and half-truths? Is there really any point? I have to contact him one day because he has something of mine I need. I was going to wait a month or so and send a short email asking him to return it. What do you guys think? I don't think there is any point in telling him how do you feel. I tried it but then she tells me how much she's enjoying her life, she's exaggerating her happiness and even acting happy that we're not together! I mean one thing is being happy with your life, but being happy NOT to be together? wtf? There is a risk he will make you feel even worse if you do that. My ex certainly made me feel worse. People are right, NC is the best way to go! I'm trying LC now but it's not helping. She's trying to be friendly and if I go NC now she'll think I'm acting weird but why should I care. I still don't understand how can a person be so senseless for the feelings of a person she loved once and keep rubbing in her happiness. It's like having a friend who's life is in ruins, he has no job, money and he's hungry and you keep bragging how you just got a promotion, showing off how much money you have and tell him about all the restaurants you go to every day and eat everything you want. It's just not right. It's not even a matter of love anymore, just a basic respect for us less fortunate.
Author inec Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 I still don't understand how can a person be so senseless for the feelings of a person she loved once and keep rubbing in her happiness. It's like having a friend who's life is in ruins, he has no job, money and he's hungry and you keep bragging how you just got a promotion, showing off how much money you have and tell him about all the restaurants you go to every day and eat everything you want. It's just not right. It's not even a matter of love anymore, just a basic respect for us less fortunate. I don't get it either. He has absolutely no compassion - I don't think I could even do that to him. Right now I can't even imagine opening up again.
carhill Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 He has absolutely no compassion - I don't think I could even do that to him. Right now I can't even imagine opening up again. IMO, your next steps are critical to health. Decades of hearing this refrain from single and married women alike, and watching them go running right back to that dynamic when the compassion-less man wants to 'get back together' says a lot. Prior, it made me question my own role, psychology and purpose. Now, I see it as really good information about who those people are and why the dynamic works for them. As I get older, I catch it earlier, so as better to direct *my* compassion towards people who are healthy for myself. Good luck in your journey
Author inec Posted October 14, 2010 Author Posted October 14, 2010 So it's day 12, and he's still calling/texting. He's talking to our mutual friends with the hope of them telling me. So, I should still continue to ignore? I still think about him every.second.of.the.day. It's actually rather agonizing. Like, I'm in so much emotional pain. This is honestly the first time I have felt like this.
carhill Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Sure it's painful. He's the crack dealer who unilaterally removed your drug supply, a supply you already paid for. You're going through withdrawal symptoms. Since you're not NC (you're talking with mutual friends about him, a no no for NC), merely share what I mentioned above, that, when he's ready to apologize in person and request reconciliation, presuming that's what you want, you're open to listening to that. Personally, I wouldn't do that until the 'so much emotional pain' has subsided, since this pain can warp one's sensibilities. Get through de-tox first, then look at the dynamic objectively. You might be surprised by the results.
Author inec Posted October 14, 2010 Author Posted October 14, 2010 that analogy about the crack pipe...priceless! thanks again. though i haven't been asking my friends about him, they volunteer this information. i guess i should just cut it short. even today, someone messaged me and told me they just saw him! ugh. it's like his presence is everywhere.
carhill Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 If friends are volunteering information, politely tell them that you don't wish to hear/read/see anything wrt your ex at this time. A friend will understand and comply. Anyone else, just cut them out too. You don't owe anyone anything.
Author inec Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 Yesterday was a horrible day. Went to lunch with my friend, and I saw my EX. He had the nerve to come over and say hi to both of us. I was polite but distant. When I left, I didn't say bye, just walked on by. My friend said he looked hurt. I was okay with that. Then my mom says my dad wants to talk to me about my relationship with him. And that he is disappointed. Basically, my culture is very conservative, and it is not okay to be seen with multiple guys. I assumed I was going to marry him, so I felt comfortable bringing him around my family. The last couple of days, I was okay with everything - the break up, everything. Now, it's like I'm back into my deep depression. just wanted to vent.
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