tgr172 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 My GF and ex fiancé broke up with me ending a 4yr relationship. We were on and off for at least a year and she finally said "No Mas". At the end she was saying she likes not having any attachments and has been 24x7 about her girlfriends. Very vocal how happy she is now and is all smiles. She is also very headstrong and prideful. Intel is that she is adamant that its over and absolutely no feelings for me at all and wants me to move on. So that is the background. Needless to say I am distraught but hiding it. After about 4 months of almost no contact and a month of total NC, I txted her and said since the weather is so nice at the beach why don't we have an un-date for dinner outside. She agreed as long as it is an un-date. Ok its a very small thing but in order to handle it right and maybe make a small amount of head way does anyone have any suggestions? We always conversed well so that's not a problem its what is the right way to maybe make her think "this guy is pretty interesting", you know what I mean. lol. I'm going to be looked over. She can leave thinking "yea I have no desire" or a few days later she could be thinking "Hmmm, I am still thinking about him" HELP, dress? Actions? DO I take the opportunity to say I agree with the breakup and just see her casually sometimes in the hope that something will click again. Did that before and she made a point of demonstrating that she was happy as hell without me and would not show mw much attention. Almost like an ego thing. Lol. !!! Hard because I am nervous as hell.
JP2009 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Personally I would say cancel it. It is only going to mess with your feelings more. The total month of NC should have cleared your mind a little and doing this is only going to stir your emotions again. If she isn't in it there is no pulling her back in unless she wants that. If you've been broken up for 4 months and she hasn't had any second thoughts I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. But that's just my opinion.
Author tgr172 Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 Yea Ive been struggling with that same thought. Here is where it gets confusing. Towards the end of the 4 month thing she did get up with me and a few times got very romantic and said "why cant I get past you". Then she said once the kids go back to college everyone knows she wants to get back up with me. Right up untill the time she drove them back. She came back that monday and it was a 180 ... that was about a month ago it was like someone programmed her that weekend. so That is why Im on the fence about this. No Im an old dude Im 55 she is 50. so im no amature but I also am not sure what women that age go through ... except menopause. lol. which might be something? anyhow thanks
tobydog Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Just to say the menopause can wreak havoc with your emotions. It is what I am going thro and had a big impact on me being left. But which he doesn't understand. A good starting point is to try to understand what a big effect it can have on us. Good Luck!
livbylove22 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 My GF and ex fiancé broke up with me ending a 4yr relationship. We were on and off for at least a year and she finally said "No Mas". At the end she was saying she likes not having any attachments and has been 24x7 about her girlfriends. Very vocal how happy she is now and is all smiles. She is also very headstrong and prideful. Intel is that she is adamant that its over and absolutely no feelings for me at all and wants me to move on. So that is the background. Needless to say I am distraught but hiding it. After about 4 months of almost no contact and a month of total NC, I txted her and said since the weather is so nice at the beach why don't we have an un-date for dinner outside. She agreed as long as it is an un-date. Ok its a very small thing but in order to handle it right and maybe make a small amount of head way does anyone have any suggestions? We always conversed well so that's not a problem its what is the right way to maybe make her think "this guy is pretty interesting", you know what I mean. lol. I'm going to be looked over. She can leave thinking "yea I have no desire" or a few days later she could be thinking "Hmmm, I am still thinking about him" HELP, dress? Actions? DO I take the opportunity to say I agree with the breakup and just see her casually sometimes in the hope that something will click again. Did that before and she made a point of demonstrating that she was happy as hell without me and would not show mw much attention. Almost like an ego thing. Lol. !!! Hard because I am nervous as hell. First of all, act like you haven't noticed she's been gone! She feels like she has the high road right now because SHE IS SO HAPPY. She probably assumes your not yet over her. So go on this date looking your best. Talk about things that make you look different than you we're before. She will be like huh when did this happen. She will start feeling like she's missing out and missing you. Trust me!
carhill Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 You can assume that a 50 y/o woman (I'm 51, as is my ex) isn't going to be spending four months being 'all about her girlfriends' and being celibate while she figures things out. I'd cancel. At our age, people know what they want in life, menopause or not (I doubt it's that but regardless). Look around man. I'm flooded with potentials and I'm just an old bald guy. She was with you four years, engaged to you and now doesn't want you and is happy about it and wants you to move on. Don't read between the lines. Accept it. You'll be amazed at how good you feel when you do.
Author tgr172 Posted October 13, 2010 Author Posted October 13, 2010 LiveByLove22 you are the bomb! Youre suggestion paralelled what one of the internet breakup guru's also advised. I drove home without being obnoxious how full and rewarding my life had been. But left the opening (very subtly) that she was part of it for a long time so she didnt feel dis'd. I didnt follow the popular advice given here. Dont get me wrong I appreciate people taking the time to offer it, but glad I didnt follow it. The purpose , at least from my perspective, of NC is to #1 a coping method to move on when that is what you want to do or #2 a period to calm down from all the gut feeling reactionary things that make it impossible to think clearly in the moment. We had a great night, I followed the advice of one of the internet breakeup guru's and just was myself, was happy with life and was happy to have someone familiar to enjoy a the great weather and evening on the boardwalk sipping wine. No stress had a great talk about where she was and where I was and we both realized that relaxing and enjoying the moment was how we were attracted in the first place and it was still there. No expectations however an understanding that we are compatable and there is instant let your guard down comfort. Tempers and hard line positions were gone and we didnt really talk about relationships just had a hell of a good time together. All I care about at this point and the door wouldnt have cracked open unless I took the oppertunity, got myself in the right frame of mind (ie. No expectations just enjoy the moment), and met. I am a fan of NC but to me NC doesent = its over hate and avoid the person its a decision block toward the final answer. Simply my opinion on a site thay is dominated by the "Cut her/him loose, screw him/her, oh God its only more heart break" posters where NC is the final solution not a means to an end.
Banker Chick Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 It's great you had a good time but you didn't say how you left it ... plans to get together again? Trust me, this is where it gets dicey. Yes, you had a great time and she obviously did too but I imagine you each left with different expectations. Eventually the immediate glow and happy feelings from your beach undate will start to fade and you'll be right back where you started wondering when you'll hear from her again, when you can have a repeat undate. You'll be no further along than you were previously and you might even be worse because you'll feel bad that nothing has come of that really great time. I don't mean to be harsh, just speaking from experience.
Author tgr172 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 BC, you made some good points. My take is #1 I will not hold her to anything she said after a few drinks. lol. and #2 She is very pridefull and stubborn, and after boasting very explicidly to all her friends that we are through , that she will fight and find any reason to keep from loosing face. So my expectations are not high nor are they low, they arent even on my mind... sort of blank. As a follow up we do have another undate. I now refer to myself as "His Unness" when I address her. Becomming an inside joke. No she didnt call me but I waited a few days and followed up on a tentitive meeting we had discussed. The difference was she answered. Huge change! and was engaged in what we were going to do. Im taking it one undate at a time. Which I believe makes me behave less needy and maybe more interesting. Her life is run by some very pushy, controlling and possessive girlfriends. I think she is looking to do something other than hang with the "sisters". Plus she was pissed and hurt about all the stuff I was going to without her. I could tell she is bored with bouncing around aimelessly with them. Ill admit Im much more entertaining. Plus I buy her the good wine. lol. And please post back with me. I have found that the best advice about this has come from Females. They have some insight and have given me great situational awareness. Most guys just say "Dump the B***h. Females are a little more contemplative. thanks
Author tgr172 Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 Update, Its been a few weeks and we have seen each other alot. She even has wanted to get together. Now this is where it gets dicy. My impulse is to slide back in to us hanging around alot. This would make me appear "needy" I think. Im not but I enjoy her company and the urge to see her often is because of that. So now Im going to back off and do my own thing for a while. Stay in touch but at a reduced pace. Two things that I have discovered. One is somewhat hard to figure. She ahs said several times why Im back, she broke it off by saying I have no feelings for you and we have no future. Pretty much brutal about it. She seems to be concerned about me willing to talk to her anymore. Almost like she thinks I have some codependant want to be abused thing going on. lol. The second is something that I cant reveal to her and is the real reason for my getting back in touch. Here goes, certain tomes of the month she is very romantic and interested in me. Other times she is almost like Im the antichrist. Everyhing I say or do is linked to some bad charictor flaw and sees me as the cause of all her problems. And this is the time that she rolls up to the girlfrien tribe as the meaning of her life. of course they are all over it ... makes them feel needed and in charge. lol. If youre curious she gave me the brutal breakup around this time of the month. Which is why I am backing off right now cause its that part of the month. I know not to push the relationship around the end of the month and become really available around the middle. Now I had called her back after NC at the right time and she was all over me, sounds psyco but its is a consistant pattern... I think. Im not Does this sound weard? Am I doing the right thing? Does this happen to women during their change? Or is it something that is always there? Will it go away? She is 50. So ladies, please offer your unbiased opinion. I am just aware what I see as a physical impact on her enmotions.
whatadeer26 Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 I'm 23, my ex is 25 and I do the same thing. I have been "Dating" my ex since the begining of September. When it is coming to that time of the month she normally gets into moods, so I leave her be. You're not crazy and i could only imagine your situation is much more drastic.
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