Fieldsofgold Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 A white flower stands for purity maybe she was there to show you your heart is pure and you need to not let him take that away from you.December snow is white also why would he say that to keep you in suspence I would not wait for anything coming in December move on think about yourself and love yourself Their is men out there that offer love and want to make their woman happy.If love hurts its not suppose to hurt.Do they have different shifts at your job?Life is to short and you need someone stable that can offer you more some one that compliments your life and not complicates it love yourself Im sorry for your pain and wish you happiness. That's a beautiful post, Scattered!
Author Hold fast Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 Just heard from him. He says talking to his wife has brought many things home and he is going to hand in his notice on Monday so he will be gone by Christmas. He is not asking me to wait but my friendship would be nice. What am I meant to say to that,actually I dont want to say anything but what am I meant to think.
Circular Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Sounds like he and his wife had the talk. He disclosed is relationship with you and that they've decided to try to work on the marriage. He's quitting his job most likely because she asked him to do so. His comment about 'being friends' is a hedge because he's doesn't want to give you up just yet.
jennie-jennie Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 (edited) Your MM most likely made the mistake mentioned in this post about how to make the split from a spouse or a lover: I would suggest you read a book called "When Good People Have Affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum. You can pick it up in most bookstores in the "Relationships/Sex" section. It not only walks you through a very eyeopening way to determine if you should save your relationship with your spouse or your lover, or walk away from both; but it also explains how to speak with the kids about your decisions, and how to go about making the split from either spouse and/or lover. She suggests that you do not allow your discision to be open to debate. She says that you should simply tell your spouse/lover that you are ending the relationship without going into details. When the person you are splitting with asks why, which is almost inevitable, you should simply respond with "This relationship is not working for me anymore." And say nothing more. The person is likely to want to hammer you with a barrage of questions, and your answer should always be "It is just not working for me anymore." Refuse to get into a discussion about it. You can be kind but firm. If you start getting into details about why it is not working for you, then the spouse/lover will likely start trying to negotiate a way to keep the relationship. They will likely start offering to make changes, that you ultimately know will not work. The kindest thing you can do is to state that you are leaving, when you are leaving, and then refuse to let the emotions escalate. Good luck to you. *The book is well worth the $15.00 investment as it will be invaluable in helping you really know what you want and how to go about getting it. Working on the marriage generally doesn't work if you love someone else, but who can blame a MM for trying? The fat lady hasn't sung yet. Edited October 12, 2010 by jennie-jennie
scatterd Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 thank you fieldsof gold it comes from the heart
Author Hold fast Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 Thank you everybody,what a day. Me decided to saty off work tomorrow,not to cry but get back on top of me game. Work can make of it what they will. I think there much truth in his wife making changes to keep him,although he still in his little bedsit and she in the big family home,she has said she is selling up and with him handing notice in I can't help thinking it all part of a bigger plan on her part. She knows which buttons to press. It him I hate though for being so weak and cowardly and not treating me like an adult and destroying a good thing so flippantly so uncaringly so selfishly with no faith and to think at very start of relationship he said he didn't want to play games,he's too old. Thank you to everyone who had the patience and kindness to read all this. So much.
jennie-jennie Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Thank you everybody,what a day. Me decided to saty off work tomorrow,not to cry but get back on top of me game. Work can make of it what they will. I think there much truth in his wife making changes to keep him,although he still in his little bedsit and she in the big family home,she has said she is selling up and with him handing notice in I can't help thinking it all part of a bigger plan on her part. She knows which buttons to press. It him I hate though for being so weak and cowardly and not treating me like an adult and destroying a good thing so flippantly so uncaringly so selfishly with no faith and to think at very start of relationship he said he didn't want to play games,he's too old. Thank you to everyone who had the patience and kindness to read all this. So much. I can understand the feeling of hate. I have felt it too. It is the flip side of love.
tornandmarried Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 sounds like hes guilty about cheating on his wife...and leaving her to be with you is just too much guilt to handle, maybe he wants to be single for a while, ease his guilt and find someone new in the future...hes trying to do the right thing it seems, after he did all the wrong things....be stong anf let him go, you know first had hes a cheater
Author Hold fast Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 Now he just texted saying he sorry for bing uncaring and not there for me and it just because he going through turmoil and can he make it up to me. What the heck? I replied that he needn't do anything out of guilt which is all it is at the end of the day.
ladydesigner Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Now he just texted saying he sorry for bing uncaring and not there for me and it just because he going through turmoil and can he make it up to me. What the heck? I replied that he needn't do anything out of guilt which is all it is at the end of the day. Wow this guy is clearly confused. I would definitely protect my heart if I were you. Be careful (((hugs)))
bentnotbroken Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 Thank you everybody,what a day. Me decided to saty off work tomorrow,not to cry but get back on top of me game. Work can make of it what they will. I think there much truth in his wife making changes to keep him,although he still in his little bedsit and she in the big family home,she has said she is selling up and with him handing notice in I can't help thinking it all part of a bigger plan on her part. She knows which buttons to press. It him I hate though for being so weak and cowardly and not treating me like an adult and destroying a good thing so flippantly so uncaringly so selfishly with no faith and to think at very start of relationship he said he didn't want to play games,he's too old. Thank you to everyone who had the patience and kindness to read all this. So much. Seems you got the same loving caring treatment he had reserved for his wife. Cut your losses and move on to a better person and a better life. I hope his wife takes whatever she can and let him live in what passes for his life.
TurboGirl Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 Holdfast please please be careful! I was in your shoes many years ago and allowed my heart to get trounced several times before I pulled away completely. Back & forth, back & forth... The guy that I went through this with is - you guessed it - went back to the wife! There is one person who will lose in this scenario, and that is you. Either way, the MM wins... he gets you or he gets wife & kids & nice home, etc. If you end up with MM you will have the thrill of going through a divorce with him, dealing with his kids, etc., or if you don't end up with him... which I think might be your best opportunity... you can meet someone free to give you the love and attention and caring that you deserve.
Minnie09 Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 May I ask how old you are? If his W is 57, I'm assuming you're much younger than him. I'm just guessing, though. The pushing-away thing is a dead-end street anyhow. Whether or not you stay committed to him and end up with him in a relationship, its not going to change ever. It's a pattern. He'll always push you away to test you and make you cling harder. It's a control thing. You don't want a relationship like that. Trust me. He wants you to fight for him. He gets a kick out of it.
Author Hold fast Posted October 13, 2010 Author Posted October 13, 2010 I'm 38 and he's 47. I had agrreed to give him a second chance as he continued to text apologies throughout the night but I'v heard nothing all day,I don't understand. He's a washout. I feel like a mug.
Minnie09 Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 Sounds like he's stringing you along big time. Many words, no action. Then no words the next day. He is probably waiting for the W to make a decision and then, based on that, he'll let you know what he's going to do. Did she kick him out?
Author Hold fast Posted October 13, 2010 Author Posted October 13, 2010 No,he left his choice. She doesn't know about me and him. He is going round twice a day to see the son and walk the dog. I think she believes he is going back when he had some space. I don't know. I suposse he doesnt either yet.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 I'm 38 and he's 47. I had agrreed to give him a second chance as he continued to text apologies throughout the night but I'v heard nothing all day,I don't understand. He's a washout. I feel like a mug. Seems like these guys feel insecure Unless they have the OW's committment - then they take it for granted.
fooled once Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I'm 38 and he's 47. I had agrreed to give him a second chance as he continued to text apologies throughout the night but I'v heard nothing all day,I don't understand. He's a washout. I feel like a mug. 2nd chance to what? Get dumped by him again? Play second fiddle? why in the world would you do this? You are 38 years old!!! He told you he was going back to his wife to make it work; yet for some reason you seem as if being the OW is somehow going to be better the 2nd time?
BlackLovely Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 How on earth can I go back to work,ever. Just want to curl up an die. Run away from the mess of my life. What is left. So because this prick dumped you, your life is over?? I have immense sympathy for your pain, but I also think that you are giving this man more importance than he deserves. You still have a full and exciting life to live, regardless of who comes in your life! Please do not hand your self esteem to others, dear. You are more precious than you give yourself credit for. Work on the opinion you have of yourself, before trying to have a relationship with someone else. When we do not love ourselves, we only attract those who want to hurt us. Trust me, I've been down that terrible, terrible road. Let this be a harsh lesson for you sweetness: Never get involved with someone at work. If it ends, you have awful awkwardness to deal with, not to mention shame if the rumor mill has started. I learned this lesson the hard way too, so I hope you don't think that I'm putting you down. I wish you insight, courage and strength. *hug*
Fieldsofgold Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 It seems to me that this man is very conflicted about how to go about doing what is in everyone's best interest right now. With all due respect, I think he is conflicted about what is in *HIS* best interests. He didn't dump this lovely lady ON HER FRIGGIN WAY TO WORK, and then let her wander about all day with a broken heart and not a word of concern from him, because he was conflicted about what was in HER best interest. He is unsure how things are going to unfold, and often in a case like that a MM will feel that the kindest thing he can do for his OW is to let her go. Again, dumping her when he did, the way he did, and his subsequent behavior, was anything BUT kind!" The flip-side of that is that he doesn't want to let you go. He wants to hold fast to you. He wants both you and his wife. He doesn't want to let either of you go So in his confusion he tries to do both. Since the two things he wants to do; let you go and keep you; conflict with each other, he sends you very mixed messages. One minute saying "I am letting you go", the next saying "Please, don't give up on us." The trick is for you to decide what YOU want to do. In his confusion, he vascillates between whether he can get by with holding on to you while reuniting with the wife. *Oftentimes the push-pull is a way of testing you, and the strength of your committment to him and the relationship.* Please know this is not something he does consciously! He doesn't realize he is doing it, unless he is just a cruel person; which I find hard to believe as you seem to me to be quite sane and so it is highly doubtful that you would choose to be in a relationship with someone who is purposefully cruel. I take strong exception to the underlined statement. It is just such deluded thinking as this that makes women hold on to hopeless, hurtful relationships, long after they should have left. I have seen many a good-hearted woman hang onto an emotionally abusive relationship, thinking that if she can just hang on long enough, just love him strong enough, she can prove her love for him, pass the "test" and win his commitment. It's a MAJOR HOOK to stay in a bad relationship. Once you decide if this relationship is something worth fighting for or not, and you tell him of your intentions, he will likely stop with the constant wavering. I think the question is - is he and all his baggage, all his indecisiveness, worth fighting for. Is a man who can be so cold and inconsiderate really someone you want to fight for? Is ANY man really worth fighting for? If he doesn't love you enough to step up to the plate and fight for YOU, do you really want him? Responses in bold.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 (edited) So because this prick dumped you, your life is over?? I have immense sympathy for your pain, but I also think that you are giving this man more importance than he deserves. You still have a full and exciting life to live, regardless of who comes in your life! Please do not hand your self esteem to others, dear. You are more precious than you give yourself credit for. Work on the opinion you have of yourself, before trying to have a relationship with someone else. When we do not love ourselves, we only attract those who want to hurt us. Trust me, I've been down that terrible, terrible road. Let this be a harsh lesson for you sweetness: Never get involved with someone at work. If it ends, you have awful awkwardness to deal with, not to mention shame if the rumor mill has started. I learned this lesson the hard way too, so I hope you don't think that I'm putting you down. I wish you insight, courage and strength. *hug* This is a very good post. I especially like the bolded. Holdfast, I am sending you wishes for peace and rest, and wisdom, as you deal with all this. Please remember to hold fast to your self-worth through it all. Edited October 14, 2010 by Fieldsofgold
KarmasTestDummy Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 This is a very good post. I especially like the bolded. Holdfast, I am sending you wishes for peace and rest, and wisdom, as you deal with all this. Please remember to hold fast to your self-worth through it all. Please go read my recent posts and see how many different ways from Sunday my mm has been stringing me' along and how many goodbyes and wait dont's he's put Me through in just a couple of weeks. Today was my last goodbye, which included removal of all methods of contact from my part. No room for accidental slip ups because I know I would. The conflicted Man is your worst nightmare. He will teeter totter and drive you absolutely insane. Don't let him have control of your heart. The only way to take back control is to put your foot down and refuse to let him do this. No second chance. A second chance should have involved communication beyond the initial sorry. Now he's probably spent the rest of his time doing damage control with his wife As well. The only one you need to love right now is yourself.
Author Hold fast Posted October 14, 2010 Author Posted October 14, 2010 I agree with all the advice given here which has now conflicted me,yes I need to be stronger with more self esteem,yes what he did was cruel yes he is in turmoil yes he doesn't know what to do for the best. Last night he was crying and saying he hates himself and he an ugly bad person,that he can't forgive himself for hurting me so much because I have never been anyhing but good. He is still talking about leaving his job has no other plan,his wife is encouraging him to,to me that looks like her trying to get him back in her control so she can keep her eye on him,that he'll have to go back because of money,she is offering to downsize the hiuse too,he says she's being supportive but I don't think so,not that I should say that to him. Maybe he does need to change job but I don't think now is the time to make that decision. He has an idea now that I hate him and can never trust him. Oh,he really is his own worst enemy.
ladydesigner Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I agree with all the advice given here which has now conflicted me,yes I need to be stronger with more self esteem,yes what he did was cruel yes he is in turmoil yes he doesn't know what to do for the best. Last night he was crying and saying he hates himself and he an ugly bad person,that he can't forgive himself for hurting me so much because I have never been anyhing but good. He is still talking about leaving his job has no other plan,his wife is encouraging him to,to me that looks like her trying to get him back in her control so she can keep her eye on him,that he'll have to go back because of money,she is offering to downsize the hiuse too,he says she's being supportive but I don't think so,not that I should say that to him. Maybe he does need to change job but I don't think now is the time to make that decision. He has an idea now that I hate him and can never trust him. Oh,he really is his own worst enemy. Sweetie I think it is best to just focus on yourself rather than what he and his wife are doing and their decisions. She is his wife and you both work together. If I were the wife I would want my H to quit too. He can find a job somewhere else. Maybe the wife is exerting some control, she is fighting to keep her H. I know that I fought to keep my H. BTW I am both a BS and WS so I understand both sides. Try not to take this whole thing personally it bears no reflection on you. This is their problem to work out, let them do their dirty work and believe me it is no walk in the park for them either. Take care of yourself, eat, drink, go out with friends, surround yourself with family. You will be okay. Just pick yourself up and move on. I'm sorry you are going through this. You have a chance to be with someone who will not treat you this way when the time is right go find him. This MM does not sound like he is being respectful of you or to his wife.
Carrot2000 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 He is still talking about leaving his job has no other plan,his wife is encouraging him to,to me that looks like her trying to get him back in her control so she can keep her eye on him,that he'll have to go back because of money,she is offering to downsize the hiuse too,he says she's being supportive but I don't think so,not that I should say that to him. His wife is not your enemy; she has not wronged you in trying to save her marriage. It's her right and more than likely MM is going along with it all because he's trying to save his marriage, too. It's time to shift your focus and put all of your energy into healing yourself and looking out for your own well-being.
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