obsession...

[thatsonlyme]

I don't know what to do anymore

She has another guy, she's crazy about him, she's enjoying her life or at least that's what she says. She does drugs, drinks heavily and party all the time. She's dreaming about moving to LA and becoming a movie star. She's a gold digger, her new guy pays for everything and she's readily accepting it. She's probably high as f**k and screwing him as we speak. She's acting excited about us not being together anymore which doesn't make any sense. Shouldn't she be just happy with her life and excited about being in love? How could she be so excited to be done with a person with whom she had long lasting, great for the most part relationship and life they built together. Even if she stopped loving me I could understand her being relieved because it's over but downright excited and happy, wtf?

She's also trying hard to show me how happy she is and how great her life is without any consideration for my feelings, because she knows that my life is not that great for sure! All this from a person who loved me once.

 

With all this said, why I can't stop thinking about her? Why I'm pissed and want to tell her what I think about her. I hate the way she is now but still I want to help her. I don't like the fact she's using drugs. I don't want her to ruin her life even though she ruined mine. I was thinking about talking to her, or better yet writing her an e-mail telling her that I'm not going to talk to her until she's done doing drugs, acting stupid, starts respecting me as a person who cared about her once and apologize for treating me the way she did after breakup. I don't think it would accomplish anything, at least not immediately but maybe in the long run she'd figure some things out. I think that would make me feel better, at least knowing that I've done everything I could.

I guess I'm just trying to save a person who already died. My girlfriend died and now there is this new person who just reminds me on her. There is something familiar in her actions, her smile and enthusiasm but she's self destructive. One of her friends who knew her new guy before she met him got into an argument with her because he was trying to warn her about him, he didn't want to see her hurt but she just wouldn't listen. She is most likely going to get hurt soon and I guess I should just let it happen. It's not like I can do anything about it.

 

I'm ranting...

 

What really concerns me is myself! I just can't function normally and it's been almost two months! I can't read newspapers, watch movies or work on my business. I have so many better things to do but I just can't make myself do anything! On my days off and often before work I just go out, walk by the lake, in the park or treat myself with lunches or dinners in the city. I'm blowing money away and it's not making me happy it's just making my pain bearable. It's not even physical pain anymore I don't know what it really is!

My life has been on hold for almost two months and counting makes me feel miserable! I desperately need somebody, but not just anybody. I need somebody I really like. There is this girl I met at the party recently and I got interested in her but I was just too drunk do do anything about it. My girl friend told me that she seemed interested in me as well and we should get together sometimes soon. I don't wanna come out too desperate and blow my chances off but I am desperate!

I should probably be focusing on work and other things rather than girls but I simply can't do it! I'd been in serious relationships for last nine years, one third of my entire life and I don't know how to function alone! I'm afraid of being alone!

 

I'm not expecting any answers really, I don't even think I asked a question but I just can't cope with this. I don't really want her back and I want to meet someone new and better but when I realize that nothing is changing for me I start thinking about getting her back again. I really need to get over to avoid any possibility of getting back together! I know it would be very, very bad idea and she'd leave me again as soon as she finds someone new.

 

I'm being self destructive, I drink too much even though not every day, but at the last party I finished a bottle of whiskey all by myself and then started another one! I also smoke way too much and my chest is killing me right now. I was more of a social smoker before, I'd light up only when I get drunk and that was very rare. At least none of my friends does any drugs otherwise I'd dabble into that as well!

 

I need this to be over with now! I hate the fact that I just can't control stupid chemicals in my brain! I like to approach things logically without emotions involved but I just feel overwhelmed with this mixture of different emotions! And I'm blaming her for letting her emotions overwhelm her. I guess we're all the same.

[Capthxc]

It's a hard process, thats for damn sure. The last girl i was with was brutal towards me, dishonest, angry, and self destructive. I didnt even love the girl that much and to this day i cherish some of the memories we had together and i miss her. It makes me fearful for my current situation, because im infatuated with this one, borderline obsessive. If i still think about this girl who hurt me beyond belief 5 years later, what is it going to be like with this girl who was nothing but good to me?

 

All i can really say is let her go down her own path. Be happy with the fact that arent with someone who has the potential to drive themselves to do such things. I cant really give any advice on how to cope, because to be honest with you im the exact same way right now. I can hardly work, i leave early every day. I used to be a huge gamer but i cant even find enjoyment out of playing anything. I used to only drink on social occasions, and now i find myself buying a 6 pack when i get really down and drinking it to myself. Like you, i went from smoking maybe half a pack a day to nearly 2 packs a day. The only positive thing to come out of this break up is that im exercising more, and that i stopped smoking pot because it just made me more paranoid. We just have to accept that time heals everything. And if she ever does show up on your doorstep wanting a second chance, you will have the power to give her the cold shoulder, which is very reassuring.

 

I'd like to think that like you, jumping into another relationship will help boost my confidence and give me the power that i need to get this stuff off my mind. But i know that if i jump into the dating scene again, so soon after the break up(1 month) i will just be comparing my potential date to my ex, which is damaging to both me and this person whom hasnt done anything to hurt me.

[thatsonlyme]

I guess we get attracted to those types of girls just like girls get attracted to bad boy type of guys.

I just read some old e-mails and I found one mail when I expressed my deepest feelings and how much she was hurting me at that moment. She was sometimes cold even in the beginning, she wouldn't pick up the phone, answer my text or just try to end conversation because she wanted to work out, take a shower or watch a movie. I remember how many times we'd have a party and it was already morning I wanted us to go to bed and she'd just say "I'll be there in a minute", then she'd stay drinking and talking to her friend for hours not even thinking about me waiting for her in bed. I even cried sometimes, I was pissed, few times I even made a scene. I realize now how much she ignored me when we were out with friends, she'd talk to everybody like I don't even exist. Then again she was very sweet to me the rest of the time. She loved me and she was telling friends, she had a t-shirt with words "I love my boyfriend" written on it and she wore it all the time, she was drawing hearts with our names in snow or sand, decorating our home, trying hard to learn my language. with the time she became more attached to me or so it seemed.

 

Also tonight I checked some e-mails from my previous girlfriend, the one I dumped because of my current ex. I realized how much I hurt her and I probably deserve all this pain I'm going through now. I loved her and I was hurt when I left her and I told her so. That probably made it even worse for her i realize that now. But now I think I remember how quickly I stopped thinking about her because I was so much into my new gf. The history is repeating now, only this time I'm on the dumpee's side. At least I never gave her any of this "let's be friends" bs and I never tried to show her how happy I was and how great life I'm having. I knew how she felt and I never contacted her. We spoke later but she initiated the contact. I saw a photo of her and her new bf on a facebook recently but I never requested her as a friend. I hope she's happy and I don't want to risk messing with her feelings even though it's been over five years for us. I do regret leaving her now because she was much better person than my current ex. We were just not very compatible sexually and I think that drove me away from her in the first place. My current ex and I had a perfect sexual compatibility. I guess we need to learn how to compromise when it comes to relationships.

[Capthxc]

Was the exact opposite situation for me. My previous ex was a liar and a cheat. She would hack into my AIM account and pretend to be me because she was so convinced i was cheating on her. She would steal my phone from me while i was asleep and text all the women on my phone, pretending to be a flirty version of me. She did the same thing with myspace(yeah, that long ago)and deleted all of my female friends off of it. I knew she was cheating on me for a while, she slipped up a few times. But when i confronted her about this i got really angry towards her. She took this anger the wrong way and stormed out on me. The next day i got an e-mail in my inbox with a very crude message and a few pictures of her actually cheating on me. Needless to say, i was shocked. This stayed with me for a while, i didnt see anyone for years after this because my trust in others had been dimished.

 

Then this other girl i was dating appears out of no where. We hook up, and had a beautiful relationship. Sure, it might have been rushed. We started telling each other that we were in love within the first few months, and how we believed we were soul mates and all that jazz. But i lingered on the past, and my issues came to surface towards the end of our relationship. I always knew this girl wasnt a bad person, i knew she wouldnt cheat on me or hurt me like the other one did. But my subconscious took over, i lost track of my emotions and lashed out on her. I was exerting the same behavior towards her that my previous ex did towards me. I wish i could take it all back, but it will only further prove that im living in the past. I can only hope that time will heal both of our wounds and that she will come back asking me for a second chance, but as time goes on my chances for that seem to be dwindling. I'm pretty sure she has hooked up with a rebound now, and shes a stubborn girl to begin with. If i fought for her she would just get angry at me for pushing, and i feel like my silence is just going to make her forget or assume i moved on. She was never really clear on what she wanted in the first place.

 

Ah, its amazing how relationships can leave us so confused and lost. I wish you luck on coping, i understand how difficult it can be. At least in your situation you have negatives that you can reflect upon to realize that what you had wasnt a good thing. Where as in my situation this girl was only good to me, and all of the negatives in the relationship are on my shoulders. It's dead weight that i alone need to deal with. And in time i need to learn to forgive myself so i can move on.

[jeff2321]

Hang in there buddy. Find something you like to do that gets your mind off the break up even if it's for a few hours. I started talking salsa dancing lessons and for whatever reason, dancing with other women helps me feel better, and I do'nt know why.

 

Hang in there and just try to focus on getting through each day. If you can, stop drinking completely -- I had to promise myself not to drink at all and it's helping. I got so drunk one night that the next morning I was so hungover that I was suicidal -- after that day I vowed that I wouldn't drink again until next year and so far I have kept my promise.

 

You aren't the only one going through this my man... I'm there right along with you in pain everyday. Even today I'm about ready to leave to go to work and I'm sad that she isn't here to hug and kiss before I leave. She's just gone and it sucks but I have to keep going.

 

Jeff

[Nkognito]

You're actually a lot better off but honestly the drugs have a huge part in her decision making. The last girl I dated did cocaine and as much as I have read about the mood swings, irritability and so on. I am not surprised he her actions or your recent ex's actions.

 

Best advices I can give is from my step father "when it comes to coke, 9 times out of 10 it will be the drug over you". I would say this goes for any drug of choice. She does these to make up for something she can't get normally be it confidence or other but you have to let her go. She needs to crash and by that I mean she has to have a "come to jesus meeting" type crash. The kind where she has to want to stop living that life and wanting something normal. Right now are not going to talk her out of anything.

 

I realize you're stuck on her but this will be the early stages of it and you remember the good things of your relationship right now. What you need to do is focus on the bad things. She is not with someone and you are not a thought in her drugged up mind right now. She has someone who is doing what he wants when he wants but eventually he will want to freshen this up. What will happen then is pure karma, she will have to find someone new, someone to put up with her drug habit and possibly deal with her wandering eye.

 

You need to move on from her as I am doing for mine. She is no good and her hollywood dreams will soo come to a quick end. Her lifestyle will catch up with her, I would not advise being part of it when it does.

[stillafool]

You have to let her go. Don't be available to find out what is going on with her life. The more you talk to her or hear about her activities the more pain you are going to feel and you won't be able to move on and get over her.

 

You ask how she can be so happy to be away from you, well I've been in her shoes and it isn't that she is so happy to be away from you but the restrictions she felt when you two were together. She is just letting her hair down and being wild for a time. You are also that is why you are drinking more than normal. You have got to find other things and people who will occupy your mind and time so you can move on. Good luck.

[thatsonlyme]

thanks for all the answers, it always helps me a lot.

I guess I'll try to avoid her for a while until I move, she gives me the money she owes and I give her the car back. Then I'll just tell her to leave me alone and go NC again.

 

I'm sure drugs played a big role in all this. I can't know for sure how deep she's into it but ecstasy is probably a regular drug of her choice and for the coke I'm not sure how often she does it but I know she tried it at least.

 

And for her being happy without restrictions of our relationship all I can say is good luck finding someone who's gonna deal with her need for independence the way I did. She had a guy who was sitting at home while she was going out and having fun, a guy who never asked questions about it, who was never jealous and she never had any restrictions. The only way she can be more free is by being single.

 

Today I'm kind of managing to prevent myself from thinking about her, it's like a battle in my head. My thought are something like this:

I woke up, alone again. "sh*t, waking up alone and she was screwing that guy whole night again..." STOP! I stop thinking about it

"I'm hungry, again I have to eat those efin frozen dinners. we used to cook toge..." STOP THINKING!

it's been like this since I woke up, at least I'm not letting my thoughts develop further.

 

The weather is nice and I feel like just going out and walking but I think I'll try to stay in and work on some other things.

[Nkognito]

The weather is nice and I feel like just going out and walking but I think I'll try to stay in and work on some other things.

 

What has helped me the most is walking. I day dream of us getting back together when at first but now it's not so much. I am finding that in my third of fourth week of NC, that I am not as attached to the idea. There are times when I think of her with another guy but then I think of the things she told me, the ways she said I made her feel over her previous (husbands, boyfriends). Some will say to put her negatives on paper, I have not done this because its hard for me to point out the negatives with how we ended and because I was intoxicated with the idea of her, us and what love might be.

 

But working out has by far been the best step. I worked out during the summer casually and where I live there are a lot of younger people. When she came around I started to put those things on hold and I should not have because we needed our distance to keep things fresh but we spoiled it. So I suggest working out, get to know your body, make a goal of a particular body part. My goal now is to have the stomach I had when I was a teenager and I am pretty close. I have great form but I still need work.

 

As for cooking, I love doing it and I wish she would have let me cook her dinner once but right now I am happy with me cooking on my own. Hell last night I was making 3 sirloin steaks, chipotle corn, chilli beans and buttered italian squash and garlic sticks. That is my lunch today and I love that I am doing that for myself. Sure I could have done with her her or the next girl in my life but right now I am doing it for me and it feels pretty damn good. I am feeling more proud of what I have accoplished in my life.

 

When ever I think of her with someone else. I just revert myself to who she was with before me and who I was with before her. Then I think how would she react if she knew I slept with this chick or this one. Then I start to remeber who I was with the girl I was thinking of besides her. Then I start to bring myself back little by little. Because before you were together, you were someone else and so was she. I know that my ex was divorced twice before she got to me. So two guys married this girl, probably did all their inner dark fantasy's on her before she got to me and I cant stop that, its spilt milk.

 

What you have going on in your head is you being self desructive. Hang with your friends, get a PS3! Get some good books (I suggest military ones) I am currently reading "Lone Survivor" http://www.amazon.com/Lone-Survivor-Eyewitness-Account-Operation/dp/0316067598

 

But where you are right now, you need to motivate yourself, dont just wait to discover a interest, seek it!

Edited October 12, 2010 by Nkognito

[thatsonlyme]

When I think about her being with somebody else what bothers me more is the fact that I have nobody else! I'm home alone and she's having fun. It hurts.

 

Today I made myself do a few essential things that I've been putting off for a while. It was very hard to make myself do it but somehow I did it.

 

As for the reading, PS3 or movies it's just not appealing. Two nights ago I watched The Big Lebowski, my all times favorite movie and I couldn't even finish it!

 

Hanging out with friends is the only thing that keeps me going but I don't have much time for it. Plus looking at my bank account doesn't make me happy, I've been spending more than I make and that's not good.

 

I've been working out as well, makes me feel a little better but sometimes I just skip my work out because I don't feel like it.

 

I'm wasting my time and I have no time to waste! I have so many things to do but my will is completely crushed. I was never a person of a strong will but at least I had motivation to keep going. I was working on things to make OUR life better, to make OUR dreams come true. Now that there is no US anymore I have no dreams to live for. One of our biggest dreams was travel. We pretty much lived for it and we were so excited about all those places we planned to go to. I wanted to visit Russia, her native country. I was excited about seeing Moscow, experiencing it the way natives do and now most likely it will never happen.

 

As of now I have no dreams about the future I have no reason to live and all I have is a basic instinct for survival. I feel like an animal, I have no purpose other than eating and sleeping.

 

I know it will pass but it's just taking too long and I don't think anything will change until I find someone else. Some people can function alone and be happy but I'm not one of them. To make things worse I'm not a guy who can easily get a woman. I never was. It may take a while until I find somebody and that frightens me!

[Nkognito]

Trust me, I went on a movie date with a friend a few weeks after the break up and during the movie I stopped to think what she is doing, if she misses me and so on. Trust me, we all have the down time as these are the stages all of us dumpee's/copers have.

 

I know its not easy but you are not the first here with these emotions. Eventually you have to remember the kid in you, when you were just running around not caring a ounce about anything. Trying to pop the first wheelie on your huffy, remembering when german shepards were the pitbulls of you time. That is the self you have to find. You've been on your own before and you spent most of your life with out her. I know memories dont help and these emotions are strong and holding them back is like stopping a train with dental floss but she will not be your regret because the decision was not yours.

 

You are her regret and maybe she does not know that now but she will. Remmmber what she looked like, I am sure she was cute. I am sure you had other cute girls You just need to give it time and you will be back out of your shell.

[thatsonlyme]

Yeah, I'm sure I'll be her regret as the time goes by but it will be to late. I honestly have to admit that from this perspective I regret breaking up with my previous ex. She was much better person than my current ex.

 

And yeah, my ex was cute, she was hot. Not the hottest one around but she was a go go dancer for a while, should I say anything else

But her looks will change and for me it was not all about the looks.

One of my first girlfriends was gorgeous and heartless. That was my first heartbreak. I have her as a friend on a facebook now, over ten years later. She's married with a kid and she looks TERRIBLE! My god it's unbelievable how can a person change! Someone once told me something like "if you want to know how is your woman going to look in 20 years look at her mother". For few of my exes it turned out to be the truth. As for my current ex, I know her mother and sister and they are far from what my ex considers ideal.

As for myself, I'm sure I'll be better looking and more appealing to women then her in 10-15 years. Women were hitting on my dad when he was 55 years old, he was pretty damn good looking for his age.

I know that women are more interested in me now than when I was younger, the only thing is I don't know that many women. That's why I'm trying to get out as much as possible. I know someone will come along. I can't wait. Then my ex can go to hell.

[nittanylion]

Yeah, I'm sure I'll be her regret as the time goes by but it will be to late. I honestly have to admit that from this perspective I regret breaking up with my previous ex. She was much better person than my current ex.

 

And yeah, my ex was cute, she was hot. Not the hottest one around but she was a go go dancer for a while, should I say anything else

But her looks will change and for me it was not all about the looks.

One of my first girlfriends was gorgeous and heartless. That was my first heartbreak. I have her as a friend on a facebook now, over ten years later. She's married with a kid and she looks TERRIBLE! My god it's unbelievable how can a person change! Someone once told me something like "if you want to know how is your woman going to look in 20 years look at her mother". For few of my exes it turned out to be the truth. As for my current ex, I know her mother and sister and they are far from what my ex considers ideal.

As for myself, I'm sure I'll be better looking and more appealing to women then her in 10-15 years. Women were hitting on my dad when he was 55 years old, he was pretty damn good looking for his age.

I know that women are more interested in me now than when I was younger, the only thing is I don't know that many women. That's why I'm trying to get out as much as possible. I know someone will come along. I can't wait. Then my ex can go to hell.

 

Run Forest Run. LOL! You need to stay away from her. She is toxic, and drug abuse. Look is overrated, its what inside count. Next time, you find a gf, look for character in her, not the dam look.

[thatsonlyme]

It wasn't all about her looks, she has a damn interesting personality! When she's attracted to a person she's very affectionate and the ways she showed me her love was irresistible!

 

But yeah, there is an underlying issue I guess she's very self centered and she has emotional issues. She easily falls under influence of others and this time she had a really bad role model. Her role model is her roommate now.

 

I will definitely go NC again and this time for good. This time it's not going to be an attempt to reconcile, I need to break away. She's can't be my friend anyway, she has nothing to offer.