I want to stop feeling like its my fault.

[lofi_tokyo]

I posted yesterday that I broke up with my boyfriend. I did. Then we talked about it and decided to go on a break.

 

We're not going to see anyone else, we're just going to give ourselves space and work on ourselves.

 

I keep blaming myself for our relationship failing. I have a huge fear of relationships, and nearly every day I'd find a way to convince myself that he was going to leave me. Eventually I kept getting upset and repeatedly was referring to ending things. He'd reassure me, try to open up to me, get close to me, and I'd push him back time and time again until neither of us could take it anymore. I want to be with him, but I'm so scared of getting hurt I keep freaking out (which is ironically causing me hurt).

 

He, on the other hand, has told me he hates himself and can't feel love. It was thanksgiving this weekend here, and his sister (whom he has an apartment with) went out of town this weekend to get away from him - despite her family being here. She'd rather be away from him then spend time with her family on the holidays. He also has a guilt complex - he feels guilty for being a white male, he feels guilty for having a decent life, he feels guilty about everything. He describes his life as generally quite sad. He feels guilty that he can't love me.

 

So those are the psychological problems we've each got.

 

He also said I'm smothering him with the love I'm giving him. I don't need his love right now. I just want us to grow as both individuals, and together. I know he has the capacity to love, and I think if I give him time, he'll find love. But he's convinced he's hurting me and we're going to keep having the same problem.

 

Even with his issues though, I keep blaming myself. I keep thinking if I had done things better we wouldn't be here.

 

I remain optimistic that during this break we can both grow. Its only a couple weeks to give us time to think. I keep sending mixed signals and he needs space.

 

What do I do, folks? Sorry the post is long. Any insight would be awesome.