D-Lish Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I am always the first person to tell someone to stand up for themself and say "no way" when a red flag waves... What I need from my friends here is whether or not I am seeing a red flag because I am jaded, or whether or not it's a red flag... There is a difference. I met a guy on POF (online dating) 10 days ago. We had conversations and he asked me out. We made plans for today- to meet for coffee this afternoon. I haven't been on a date in a long time, I had just given up- but I started talking to this guy and I actually liked his pic, then to my surprise I also liked his profiile! I delete 99.9% of messages on pof, so this was big for me. Anyway, I agreed to a meeting, we set everything up, our date was for today at 3pm for coffee. At 11am this morning he text me to ask if we could make it for 1pm. I had already said initially I had a brunch today and after 3 worked- hence the 3pm date. I responded telling him that it was fine to reschedule (he said he got a late thanksgiving invite from a friend)... But you know what? It wasn't fine with me. It made me mad, even though we've never met. We've never met, so I know it's not a rejection. But I am pissed inwardly. I immediately just deleted him from my phone and deleted all his messages on pof. My first intstinct is that he's probably flakey....? He text me later tonight saying (again) that he was sorry and still wants to meet me, but I haven't responded and my current stance is that I won't. I deleted his contact info. Am I just being a bitter bitch? I am having trouble figuring out how to proceed.
that girl Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 It is one date, I'd let it slide. I think you overreacted by taking it personally and deleting.
Author D-Lish Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 It is one date, I'd let it slide. I think you overreacted by taking it personally and deleting. That's the advice I want- Thanks. I am not sure if I am being over-zealous or being a push over..., ya know?
Ruby Slippers Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I agree. You snapped into self-protective mode right away. The message is in that. You're going to have to let your walls down a little, hon! It's time.
Star Gazer Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I agree. You snapped into self-protective mode right away. The message is in that. You're going to have to let your walls down a little, hon! It's time. This. Try to see it as he was so excited to see you, he wanted to see you even sooner than planned!
kdark Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Yeah I'd give him one freebie reschedule before calling it quits. But if he does it again, forget him.
sb129 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 D-Lish, I agree with the others. Its only one date, and at least he didn't cancel outright. Give him another chance. Just one mind!
Fouts Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Yes, you're being a bitter bitch (your words, not mine)
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Am I just being a bitter bitch? I am having trouble figuring out how to proceed. No... it's a medium bad sign that he rescheduled. Freak if he does it again. Alternately... you could just save yourself until I'm single and move to your area!
carhill Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Curious...do Canadians normally make dates on a traditional family holiday like Thanksgiving? I'm just finding it odd that he'd ask you out in the afternoon on Thanksgiving. Maybe it's different than how Americans celebrate. Anyway, I'd try again. If you wish to reply to his apologetic text, simple text back 'Call me'. A gentleman will take it from there. Good luck
OceanGirl Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I thought I was the only person that deletes all contact info and messages when someone hurts me... But yeah, you should give him one more chance.
jerbear Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Hey D-licious, Let it go and give him a another chance.
OceanGirl Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 However, if there is any pattern of flaking emerging you know what you need to do (it doesn't matter how good his excuses are).
jerbear Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 However, if there is any pattern of flaking emerging you know what you need to do (it doesn't matter how good his excuses are). 10 days is kinda short to find flakiness. Also it is Thanksgiving in Canada so things can change.
gypsy_nicky Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 what you can do is, for you to be in a win-win situation is say yes to him, set a date and flake out by arriving late, max 30 min. Go to the date looking really good so as to suggest to him you don't like being stood up. That way you call the shots.
OceanGirl Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 what you can do is, for you to be in a win-win situation is say yes to him, set a date and flake out by arriving late, max 30 min. Go to the date looking really good so as to suggest to him you don't like being stood up. That way you call the shots. OMG seriously
mitchell Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 D-lish, your posts have always been so helpful to me. It's nice to try and reciprocate. Give the guy a break and another chance. Certainly not a great way to start out, but his excuse and the time constraints make the whole thing plausible. He might be worth it!
TLCbear Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 My first intstinct is that he's probably flakey....? This actually caught my attention. If you feel that way, I say listen to it and listen to it good. I once had a first instinct like that before....but it was a trust thing...it was something about that person I just couldn't trust, but didn't know why I felt that way. Well to make a long story short, I ended up getting in a relationship with him and now know why I felt that way in the beginning. My first gut instinct was trying to tell me not to go any further and I ignore it...so I will say whatever you decide to do, be careful.
EasyHeart Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I don't think you have anything to worry about. If someone freaked out because I suggest pushing up a coffee date a couple hours, there's no way I'd want to see her after that. There's definitely a red flag in this situation, but he's not waving it. . . .
JamesM Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Ditto to above. I think you freaked way too quickly. He could have agonized over this, but remember...he doesn't know you either. So he made a choice...someone he has know for awhile versus a complete stranger. Now if you were his friend and he called you and canceled for a complete stranger whom he never met, then wouldn't you be a little ticked? Wouldn't you expect him to pick his friends over strangers? Most of us would. But I say this kindly...remember he is evaluating you, too, and he may wonder about someone who cancels without really understanding why. After you have met him, then you may find that this cancellation is a pattern or you may find that this is the love of your life. "Never throw a fish back into the water until you are certain it is too small to eat." ---Me.
Sabali Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Ditto to above. Now if you were his friend and he called you and canceled for a complete stranger whom he never met, then wouldn't you be a little ticked? Wouldn't you expect him to pick his friends over strangers? Most of us would. Well, not really.First impressions says a ton about a person. My position is to make a commitment and stick with it. A person is only as good as his word. A person's reputation is strongly built on a foundation of being reliable. Your reputation and bond is already established with friends so they can be more forgiving if you turned them down for an invite because you had prior arrangements. If a friend can't understand that you are being a person of your word and keeping a commitment, reevaluate the friend. If you make a commitment, stick with it. No last minute invite to do something else which may be more desirable to you should break your word. If you say you are going to be somewhere and meet up with someone at a specific time, you should be there unless there is a true emergency such as a family emergency or an emergency room visit. For this guy to get a last minute invite from a "friend" and to accept it after already making a date that wasn't made at the last minute is a bit suspicious. At the very least, there should have been compromise. He could have told his "friend" that he already made a commitment to meet up with someone, he will try to make it to the event but will at least be late for it. He could have kept his date with her but left a little earlier than he wanted and still meet up with the friend later. With that said, Now actually breaking the date would have been bad but he didn't actually break the date so... You know, D, you don't have to waste your time with him. You can waste your time with me. It'll be more fun.
Kamille Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Me too me too I want to help D too! I wonder why you felt anger when he suggested a reschedule. If the time didn't work for you, it didn't work for you. Simple as that. He did the right thing and offered a reschedule. BF and I ended up rescheduling our first date for the simple reason that I was too exhausted to go out on our original scheduled time. Fortunately for me, he did not take offense. He thought it might mean I was "low interest", a myth I was happy to debunk once we did finally get to go out.
Author D-Lish Posted October 14, 2010 Author Posted October 14, 2010 Lol, to those suggesting I freaked out, that's not what I did. I think freaking out would have entailed something more sinister than contemplating in my own head how to handle the situation. When we originally set up the date, I told him that I couldn't do it until after 3 on the Monday because I had earlier plans, so when he asked me on the Monday if we could bump up the meeting because he wanted to go to his friends place for Thanksgiving dinner, he already knew I couldn't because I'd prefaced that I was busy until 3. Kam, I think I was put out because I had gone out the day before and bought an outfit, and I was really looking forward to meeting him. It's been so long since I had been excited about someone from online dating and when he wanted to rearrange the plans a few hours before, I was disappointed. We left it me saying (on Monday) it was cool to go to his friends and we'd reschedule- I told him I'd let him know my schedule for this week. It's now Wednesday, so I know if I want to set this up again that I have to say something soon. I just think it's flakey to bail the day of. I know it's not a rejection because we have never met. I felt like he kinda set it up for me to say it's okay to cancel because 1) he knew I had plans earlier in the day because we'd discussed it; and 2) when someone says to you ""hey, I want to do this, but if it doesn't work for you, I'll still meet you... To me, I didn't have an option to say "I'd rather meet as planned" because I would have sounded like a jackass knowing he wanted to go to his friends place for thanksgiving. I'm still leaning toward letting it go. Flaking the day of does say something about a person, and that was my first instinct. When you've never met someone, you have nothing to go on- so my first impression of him is that he's a bit of a flake. My best friend asked me if I wanted to come to her place on Monday after I'd solidified my date with him but I declined because I wanted to follow through with my date with him... So I guess I am looking at this from a "what would I do" situation, and basing my reaction on that. If I wasn't excited about the date, I'd have rescheduled too to go to my friends place...
Ruby Slippers Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Hey, if you're not feeling it, you're not. Right now, you want a guy who doesn't flake on the first date. I think that's reasonable. I mean, I could sit here and argue that you're being too picky, but you know what is right for you. You're a smart girl, and I know you know how to take care of yourself.
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