Emotionally cheating on casual encounter site?

[Pikkles22]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, and I am madly in love with him. We have discussed plans to move in, marriage, etc-- the works. I have never in my life trusted and loved another person so intensely to the point, let alone trusted a guy that I'm dating. He has always treated me kindly, respected me, looked out for me & loved me unconditionally. It's hasn't been perfect but nothing is. Now, with that being said...

 

We've been going through some rough patches the past few weeks, and he has been depressed over certain life events out of his control. I had noticed him "distancing" but said nothing. Then one day, multiple times, I noticed he kept doing something on his computer that he would go out of his way for me not to see. Well, when I confronted him about his shady actions, he said he had been talking to his ex-girlfriend (Not a big deal, as I actually like the girl, and I know they are just friends). However, that answer didn't sit right with me, so I did something I have never done before-- I logged into his email account (I hate feeling I have to snoop to find answers!). I found out that he had posted an ad on a casual encounters website-- basically advertising himself, and he got several responses back. Some of them would send pictures, and he sent a few casual pictures of himself. He even called one of them and asked them to return the call if they were ever in town again...

 

Now, loaded with all this information & a broken heart, I confronted him about it yet again, BUT did not share that I knew the truth of the emails. I wanted HIM to tell me. We talked for a bit, and I could tell he was getting mad... we even talked about breaking up because he said that he would never cheat on me, and he didn't like that I didn't believe him. But in reality I could tell he was pissed at himself for doing what he did, which is why he got so mad to begin with..

 

We decided we would go on a break, and he started to drive me home. I have never sobbed so hard in my life, and even he was crying, which I've never witnessed. Ten minutes of sitting in the car in silence, he pulled the car over.. and we hugged, & cried. Then, he admitted that a few weeks ago he went to a bar and met a girl, and they had been emailing eachother but that it was just casual emails.. (Ie: How's school? etc), but that nothing happened from it. Now, I already knew he was still lying about the true nature of the emails & the ad that he posted, but I figured this was his way of telling me without hurting me further... He was sincere, and said he would never do something like this again, and I told him that he was emotionally cheating on me. But, he still didn't tell me the complete truth. So, I insisted to see these "clean" emails, and then I would forgive him.. He told me that he wouldn't show them to me because he wanted to forget about this whole thing (But I knew they didn't actually exist, of course), and then he just wanted to delete them and move on from this.

 

I started screaming at him, slapped him in the face, and told him to show me those emails or else I would never speak to him again. He insisted that he couldnt. Then, I told him that I already knew the truth... that I logged on his account (Bad of me, yes, which I also apologized for doing), that I saw everything, saw the ad he posted, saw the few girls that had messaged him and that he had replied to..

 

He was embarrassed, and told me that he didn't tell me the truth because he was mortified about what he did, and that he wanted it to be his, and only his, bad memory for him to forget about. He had no intentions of continuing it, that he would never cheat. He said he has never done anything like this, and the ONLY reason he started it was because he had been going through a funk... and he liked the attention from girls because it made him feel attractive. We are not in the honeymoon phase anymore, he wanted to feel wanted. He is a good guy, and no, I am not just saying that because I'm the blinded girlfriend who is in love with him. He told me that the decision was entirely mine, that if I wanted to break up with him he would understand why, but that his heart was breaking and that he hated himself for ruining my trust in him... that yeah he posted an ad, but had no intentions of ever meeting any of them, or bringing it any further. The girl he called picked up and he hung up because he knew it was wrong. I believe all of that.

 

He lost MOST of the trust I had for him. There were so many times he would go out with his friends, and I would not even for two seconds worry about what he was doing. Because I just knew it was nothing bad. We talked about it a lot, and he told me that he will always remember what he did and how he almost lost me... and thats not something he wants to ever experience again. I believe him, still.

 

However, I wish I could erase all of this from my memory. He broke my heart in a way that no one has ever done. I have tried not to think about it, and most of the time I am fine, but sometimes it just sounds like a nightmare... Then I remember what happened that day & my heart just sinks.

 

Sorry it's so long, I needed to vent, and telling this to my friends will just make them "form opinions" that are unnecessary. I'm looking for anyones opinion, advice, or maybe a similar experience. Is it possible for him to regain my trust completely? I just don't want to have this memory anymore, and I don't want to hold it over his head for the rest of our life. I love him more than anything.

[Fouts]

There's something missing from your relationship that he's looking for elsewhere. You need to find out what it is and see if you can provide it, otherwise the relationship is over.

[fltc]

There's something missing from your relationship that he's looking for elsewhere. You need to find out what it is and see if you can provide it, otherwise the relationship is over.

 

What's missing from your relationship is trust. You don't trust him and probably never will again, find someone else you can trust.

[sfranks1492]

When I read your post I was amazed how similar our stories are. I've been with my boyfriend for the last year now and honestly thought things were amazing. He is the first man I've ever been with that unquestionably/without a doubt I trusted him. When we first met he expressed to me how important trust and being faithful were to him. His last long term girlfriend cheated and got pregnant to his good friend. He didn't want to experience that ever again. Never did it cross my mind he would EVER cheat. Then one day in October I needed to look up a recipe and my laptop was upstairs so I grabbed his real quick to look it up. When I opened up the internet explorer and started typing in the site I could see a list of the last 300 websites he had visited. Well suffice it to say he was looking at the casual encounters site on craigslist. So I proceeded to satisfy my curiosity and click on the pages he visited. ALL of his passwords were saved to his laptop so every time I would click on a page it would take me directly to the EXACT page he was looking at. One link took me into his facebook account. Another link took me into his email account. I looked in his sent box and right in front of my eyes was him replying to a casual encounter from a couple who was looking for another couple or a male to join them. I was FLOORED to say the least. I wanted to scream and yell and call him and ask him WHY, but then I broke his trust by SNOOPING and I didn't want him to turn it around on me. So I sent him a text and made up a story about my best friend learning that her boyfriend betrayed her by replying to a couple on craigslist. He NEVER let on that I caught him; nor, did I appreciate some of the comments he made. Long story short, just last night I confronted him about it. He told me that even though he loved me and wanted to be with me long term, he felt the need to reply that night. Said he never had any intention on acting but the thought of replying was sexually exciting to him. I was devastated and very upset that he needed to go to a casual encounter site to get his sexual fix rather that come to me his girlfriend. Things are complicated with us right now and I simply want to forget this ever occurred. Up until now, I trusted him like no other. Now I'm fearful I won't be able to trust him again. It just makes me so sad and hurt. I love him and don't understand WHY...nor do I ever think I will understand. He tells me he is sorry and that he will NEVER do this again, but how will I ever know. I'm truly not the jealous type unless I'm give a reason to be...now I'm just paranoid every time he leaves the house. He recently went away for 3 days on a trip and it was everything I had in my body not to explode and cry...I want to trust him and I NEED to trust him. I'm just truly sad and disappointed and don't really know what to do at this point. He is the man I thought I would marry...and now I'm left heartbroken and worried I've lost the trust. How have you handled this since October?

[Woman In Blue]

Pikkles - you've only been together for a YEAR and your boyfriend is already seeking attention from women on a "casual encounters" website so he can feel "attractive?" I can't imagine any woman desperate enough to seek sex on a website from strangers - these women are more than likely 'professionals' who'll eventually tip their hands and let him know what an hour of their time will cost him, or they'll try to get him to join their website so he can see pictures and webcam feeds of them - for a fee, of course. LOL...attractive women don't need to advertise on sleazy sites to get sex - all they have to do is walk out through their front door.

 

I'm sorry, but I find it very VERY hard to believe that your boyfriend took the time to create an account and place an ad, has had correspondence with several women back and forth and has even sent pictures of himself - and yet he'd like you to believe he HUNG up on some woman when they exchanged numbers to talk on the phone??? I'm calling BULLSH*T on that ridiculous story. If he were so traumatized by that phone call and "had to hang up because it made him realize how WRONG he was," then why is his damned ad STILL running? What a crock of crap that story is. More than likely, he found out on that phone call that an hour with her will cost him $200 - or he did meet with her and do the nasty. But I don't believe for a New York MINUTE that he 'hung up' on her the second she answered the phone. You might want to consider getting an STD screening, Pikkles.

 

You caught him being a sleazeball and he's embarrassed. He should be. Men can be such dumbasses - they think the internet is one big sexual candy store - all they have to do is place an ad and the beautiful women will come running to do their biddng. ROFL - for a fee, maybe. What a moron. He's now trying to do DAMAGE CONTROL and trying to trivialize what he's done - of course he's going to tell you he "hung up" on the ONE woman he called (oh please) and that he ONLY did it for attention because he was in a "funk." Bull.

 

It's up to you whether you forgive him or not. But I guarantee you'll be back here in a year, or 2 years or 4 years, telling us how you forgave him back in 2010 when you found his ad the FIRST time, and now you're married with kids and he's up to his old tricks again, and you don't want to leave him because the poor kids need their daddy, and blah blah blah. Seen it a million times or more.

 

Good luck to you, sweetie.

[YellowShark]

But I guarantee you'll be back here in a year, or 2 years or 4 years, telling us how you forgave him back in 2010 when you found his ad the FIRST time, and now you're married with kids and he's up to his old tricks again, and you don't want to leave him because the poor kids need their daddy, and blah blah blah. Seen it a million times or more

 

EXACTLY!

 

You don't "accidentally" post and reply to personal ads Pikkles22. You do it with a clear intent in mind. It just doesn't "happen" by mistake.

 

Their intent is to cheat with someone else. Never ever allow the cheater to deflect from that reality. What they are doing is 100% a slap-in-the-face and disrespectful to your relationship.

 

If you can rebuild the trust then great, try to do it. But IMHO once you start posting and replying to personals ads in secret you've already left the relationship.

Edited November 23, 2010 by YellowShark