I have no privacy

[GooseChaser]

I have very few secrets from my parents. It isn't from lack of trying. No matter what it is, they will find out eventually, whether I help them do that or not. It's really frustrating. Just today, my mom revelaled that she had a pretty good idea that I am starting to take birth control pills. I was trying to keep it private from them, but of course, my parents apparently are skilled mind-readers. Why do they need to know everything about my life? Why do they need to feel like they have control over so many aspects of it? I'm 21 years od, and I want my space! Is there anything I can do? Do I just need to learn how to be sneakier? I'm currently living at home, and I will be for one more year. Then I move into a dorm.

 

I just want a bit of privacy. I don't think that's too much to ask. How do I get them to mind their own business? Keep in mind that my parents don't have much to occupy them outside of us, so keeping tabs on us is their way of entertaining themselves.

 

On the bright side, I can say that they usually do not look at what I write on public forums and other websites. They just sometimes take a look at the windows that I leave open when I leave the computer-- if they don't approve, they will delete ones that they don't like. Of course, I do close windows on my own when I can so they can't do that.

Edited October 12, 2010 by GooseChaser

[LisaLee]

Ahhh, Goosey, Goosey... so you went ahead and got the BCP... hmm, to address your question from past posts that I remember your parents are extremely controlling for someone who is of legal drinking age. But I dunno... you live under their roof, financially dependent on them... I dunno, you are in a conundrum.

 

Didn't you ever show them that article on helicopter parenting? Have you asked them for privacy?

[Els]

GC - Nobody can read minds, not even those who purport to be able to do so. Either they are sneaking around your room looking for suspicious things, or you happened to leave the post about BC open on your computer.

[GooseChaser]

I know I live under their roof, but that doesn't give them the right to know everything. It just isn't healthy. I need to have some measure of privacy so I can feel comfortable in my own home. Well, they OWN it, but it is my home too. There is no reason for them to know everything. I can take care of myself.

 

Haha, yeah, I know there's no such thing as mind-reading. Yes, they could have learned things by looking through my room, though I never catch them doing it. They have plenty of opportunity to do so while I'm at school, though. I wouldn't be surprised if they did. It would also have been very easy for me to leave information open about the BC on the computer. Not only is it possible for me to leave information open, but even when I close things, I have to make sure to restart the computer afterward, because the internet keeps track of recently closed windows as well. It's such a hassle sometimes.

 

I just feel uneasy how they know all of my secrets, even when I do my best to be private. Sometimes a person needs to have secrets, and they don't want anyone to know, even someone as close as a parent. I will talk to them about it and show them some information about helicopter parents to make them aware of the issue and that it bothers me.

[LisaLee]

Are your parents pretty computer savvy? Would they check the history? If so and you want some privacy I would suggest changing your browser to automatically delete the history whenever you close the window.

 

I often laugh when I read other posts where members were on another person's computer and found something interesting in the history file. My boyfriend has his computer set to delete history with every session, and he long ago set my computers to do the same. No snooping for me... or for him, really.

[GooseChaser]

They're pretty computer-savvy, yes. I don't think they really make a habit of checking the history much. Rather, when one of us opens a new tab, there is a list of recently closed tabs, so if I'm not careful, they can see private stuff there. I don't know how to stop that from happening. All I can do is restart the computer to get rid of it. Sometimes I just forget, and then they get to see everything. It would be a good idea for me to start regularly deleting the internet history, though! I'll do that!

[Els]

What browser do you use?

 

My parents very blatantly snooped, so I didn't feel bad about very purposefully hiding everything, either, when I lived with them. I have a feeling yours are blatantly snooping as well, really.

[LisaLee]

What browser do you use?

 

Ditto... what do you use?

[GooseChaser]

I am at school, but I believe at home I use Internet Explorer. My laptop, which has become claimed by my parents as the family computer since our other computer is malfunctioning, uses Windows Vista. I'm hoping to eventually buy the upgrade to Windows 7 when I have the money. I know, I know, many people prefer Firefox, but I have yet to install it onto the computer. Would Firefox be better?

[BlackLovely]

I have very few secrets from my parents. It isn't from lack of trying. No matter what it is, they will find out eventually, whether I help them do that or not. It's really frustrating. Just today, my mom revelaled that she had a pretty good idea that I am starting to take birth control pills. I was trying to keep it private from them, but of course, my parents apparently are skilled mind-readers. Why do they need to know everything about my life? Why do they need to feel like they have control over so many aspects of it? I'm 21 years od, and I want my space! Is there anything I can do? Do I just need to learn how to be sneakier? I'm currently living at home, and I will be for one more year. Then I move into a dorm.

 

I just want a bit of privacy. I don't think that's too much to ask. How do I get them to mind their own business? Keep in mind that my parents don't have much to occupy them outside of us, so keeping tabs on us is their way of entertaining themselves.

 

On the bright side, I can say that they usually do not look at what I write on public forums and other websites. They just sometimes take a look at the windows that I leave open when I leave the computer-- if they don't approve, they will delete ones that they don't like. Of course, I do close windows on my own when I can so they can't do that.

 

Parents tend to hover over their daughters more than their sons. They mean well, but they often fail to realize that holding on too tightly can cause adult children to distance themselves.

 

If this is how your parents are, I doubt that talking to them is going to make a difference. You may have to think about getting your own place, if you want to have a truly adult life.

[coffeecat]

I haven't read any of your other posts.

 

As a mother, I want to tell you that I feel like I have every right to know what is going on in my children's lives. Your mother gave birth to you from her own body, fed you from her body ( probably), gave up part of her life to take care of you,... She bought you things instead of buying herself things. Your parents gave up aspects of their lives to raise you, pay for your clothes and education, etc...

 

Having said that, I do believe that everyone needs privacy. I am a nosey mother but out of respect for my children I don't snoop unless I feel something is wrong.

 

This may be the case with your parents. What are we suppose to do? We love you. We want to help and be apart of your lives. Maybe if your mother felt like you were open with her she would not feel the need to snoop.

[Els]

I seldom use internet explorer. But changing your history settings to 'don't keep pages in history' (tools>options>general>browsing history) should work.

[Tayla]

Here are the parental rules once a child turns 18 and has shown responsible behavior- Point Blank I treat them as the Young adult they are. Which includes the NUNMA Rule- Its nun of Ma's business what they do as I have met their friends and parents and entrust that I raised them with good standards and reliable skills. Its Nun Ma's business to snoop or pry, instead they learn thru example and equal regard. They also do knock on doors use excuse me when imposing and often have the decency to relay what plans they have, beyond that I let them know its just as much their "HOME" as it is mine...Home is where the heart is and its a welcoming environment.

 

I walked in your path as a child of parents who behaved this way. IT took a stern talk that had its unkind view points but in the end a resolution was made by all...we needed to grow as people and be given the right to privacy..Its a TRUST issue along with a delicate balance of tolerance for the parent/child relations...no matter what I had to accept they were always going to have my back in the long run...but just not up to the wall anymore

[LisaLee]

I seldom use internet explorer. But changing your history settings to 'don't keep pages in history' (tools>options>general>browsing history) should work.

 

Me neither. I use FF and Chrome, pretty equally. Desktop FF, laptop Chrome, but if I'm downloading anything I have been using Chrome. Oddly enough, if I decide to look at porn I use IE.

 

Also, Goose, I would suggest downloading a different browser and using that instead. For example, if your parents use IE then download FF.

[BlackLovely]

I haven't read any of your other posts.

 

As a mother, I want to tell you that I feel like I have every right to know what is going on in my children's lives. Your mother gave birth to you from her own body, fed you from her body ( probably), gave up part of her life to take care of you,... She bought you things instead of buying herself things. Your parents gave up aspects of their lives to raise you, pay for your clothes and education, etc...

 

Having said that, I do believe that everyone needs privacy. I am a nosey mother but out of respect for my children I don't snoop unless I feel something is wrong.

 

This may be the case with your parents. What are we suppose to do? We love you. We want to help and be apart of your lives. Maybe if your mother felt like you were open with her she would not feel the need to snoop.

 

The bolded sentences sound like manipulative guilt tactics, which some mothers use to control adult children. Making sacrifices for children does not make a woman God; it is simply par for the course of deciding to have babies.

 

Maybe the OP should not be blamed, for wanting to have a separate and adult life! It is not her problem that her mother cannot let go. However, she cannot tell her mother how to behave in her own house, so the OP will need to leave. Once the OP is under her own roof, she can hide whatever she wants to.

[Tayla]

The bolded sentences sound like manipulative guilt tactics, which some mothers use to control adult children. Making sacrifices for children does not make a woman God; it is simply par for the course of deciding to have babies.

 

Maybe the OP should not be blamed, for wanting to have a separate and adult life! It is not her problem that her mother cannot let go. However, she cannot tell her mother how to behave in her own house, so the OP will need to leave. Once the OP is under her own roof, she can hide whatever she wants to.

 

Thank you BlackLovely for the kind comments to the OP and understanding the dynamics this Young adult is enduring. Its entirely acceptable to ask as a young adult that certain things be regarded. No she cant change her parents anymore then I can change the way the wind blows...we just dont have that empowerment. What we do have is a voice and a right to express our boundaries no matter who's home or residency we are in. Its called self respect and due regard for each person....

 

On a side note....true dat on the woman who think that sacrificing (martyrdom) makes them heir to sainthood....Odd isnt it that some sincerely believe its tool over a child....I often tell folks that I cant afford their guilt trip and they can take it instead

[Els]

Rofl, Lisa - IE is possibly the worst to use for porn-viewing! It has horrible security, and does jacksquat to protect you from adware/spyware/annoying popups... which porn sites are rife with.

 

I like your suggestion for the Op to use another browser, though.

[LisaLee]

Rofl, Lisa - IE is possibly the worst to use for porn-viewing! It has horrible security, and does jacksquat to protect you from adware/spyware/annoying popups... which porn sites are rife with.

 

Well that explains why I'm constantly having to close pop ups.

 

But I just can't bring myself to sullying FF or Chrome.

[2sure]

My daughter is only 14 and I have to admit we already fight over her lack of privacy and ...I'm not budging. Its my job right now.

 

BUT, if she were older...21 and going to be out next year...

 

If she said to me: Mom. You've raised me and you have done a good job.

I have self respect and common sense. The time has come for me to get ready to live without you and you without me. Lets start with this.

 

I'd be inclined.

[GorillaTheater]

Sometimes I think my kids have more privacy than I do. Even the bathroom is no sanctuary.

[GooseChaser]

Here are the parental rules once a child turns 18 and has shown responsible behavior- Point Blank I treat them as the Young adult they are. Which includes the NUNMA Rule- Its nun of Ma's business what they do as I have met their friends and parents and entrust that I raised them with good standards and reliable skills. Its Nun Ma's business to snoop or pry, instead they learn thru example and equal regard. They also do knock on doors use excuse me when imposing and often have the decency to relay what plans they have, beyond that I let them know its just as much their "HOME" as it is mine...Home is where the heart is and its a welcoming environment.

 

I walked in your path as a child of parents who behaved this way. IT took a stern talk that had its unkind view points but in the end a resolution was made by all...we needed to grow as people and be given the right to privacy..Its a TRUST issue along with a delicate balance of tolerance for the parent/child relations...no matter what I had to accept they were always going to have my back in the long run...but just not up to the wall anymore

Yes, I was talking to my mom about how I need more freedom, independence, and privacy, and she said, "You need to earn freedom by gaining my trust." In response, I made an analogy comparing our family to the United States government. (Rousseau wrote a piece making the same analogy! ) Does the U.S. trust its citizens? Not at all! It can't! That wouldn't be safe! However, it still gives its citizens their right to freedom! It should be the same for us, especially considering that I am 21. The problem is, they don't seem to consider me an adult, even so. It's frustrating knowing that they see me as a child that can't take care of herself or make her own decisions. I don't know why they think they can't trust me. I have been trustworthy.

[GooseChaser]

Obtaining privacy has always been simple. First step is to get a Job. Financial Independence is absolutely key to cutting the umbilical cord between you and your parents. It's how a lot of parents maintain control of their children, and it works. It's scary looking for a job, going to interviews. It's frakkin hard work. But only for like a week or two...

I agree! I'm applying everywhere for work now! With luck, it won't be long before I'm saving up some money to become more independent financially! I'm very excited about that! I don't mind the job search, really. I'm actually getting better at interviewing as time goes on, and the jitters are going away! I have no doubt that I will be able to find a great job! I'm sure they wouldn't mind hiring a mature, hardworking 21-year-old with previous work experience!

[GooseChaser]

Me neither. I use FF and Chrome, pretty equally. Desktop FF, laptop Chrome, but if I'm downloading anything I have been using Chrome. Oddly enough, if I decide to look at porn I use IE.

 

Also, Goose, I would suggest downloading a different browser and using that instead. For example, if your parents use IE then download FF.

Thanks for the suggestion, Lisa! I will go ahead and install FireFox! Hopefully that helps!

[GooseChaser]

The bolded sentences sound like manipulative guilt tactics, which some mothers use to control adult children. Making sacrifices for children does not make a woman God; it is simply par for the course of deciding to have babies.

 

Maybe the OP should not be blamed, for wanting to have a separate and adult life! It is not her problem that her mother cannot let go. However, she cannot tell her mother how to behave in her own house, so the OP will need to leave. Once the OP is under her own roof, she can hide whatever she wants to.

Thank you for your thoughts! Yeah, I'm looking forward to moving into my own place when I can manage it. First I have to gather some funds by getting a job and working-- my parents won't pay for it-- then I find an affordable place and a roommate or two if needed, and finally, I make plans to move in! Doing that, I would need to make sure that I had everything that I needed! I look forward to when I can do this!

[GooseChaser]

Guys, please help. Things just got worse. I feel violated. I went on a date with this guy tonight, and we hit it off. I was under the impression that they wouldn't be there. Then I get home, say hi to them and talk for a bit, and my mom tells me that they "popped in" a couple times. (My dad also added that he hoped that the guy wasn't "pawing at me" too much-- ugh.) Upon hearing that, I was horrified. I... I just thought we had privacy there. I should have known better, especially considering this was my first date with a guy who I met online. I have no idea how much they saw. We went from the bar (where we kissed), to the parking lot (where we made out at his car), and then we went looking for somewhere more private. The first place we went was a park parking lot near home. After a while, he pointed out that there were people WATCHING from another car. I hope to God that that wasn't them. A bit later, after we moved the car, there was a couple of men that were walking, who may or may not have been the same people as were in the previous creepy-stalker-car. We then drove to another location and finally had some peace. He mentioned feeling paranoid, though, and kept watching out. I don't blame him.

 

Anyway, I don't want to mention this to him, because I don't want him to know how my parents cross boundaries like this. It could even be a dealbreaker if it happened more. He is 29, and I can't afford to let them behave this way and not leave me alone if I'm dealing with men of his age. I mean, really, how embarassing is that?

 

I'm speechless. I literally ran out of my parents' room and started shrieking after thinking about what they might have seen. I feel SO violated. It's worse considering that I was lead to believe that they wouldn't be watching us. This is a new level of privacy violation. I don't know if I can trust them anymore.

 

I'm just shocked and horrified...

 

Oh, one more thing-- my mom asked me, "So, did you stay at the bar until it closed?" With that, she's trying to make it seem like she wasn't keeping really close track of us. Maybe she's trying to get me to relax and feel like they didn't see everything or follow us. I don't think I can take her question at face value, though. It could be a front to mislead me. It is possible that she knows EXACTLY when we left. I don't know what to think.

Edited October 16, 2010 by GooseChaser