wheelwright Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 If you know what you want, go for it. But there are never any guarantees in life. Live authentically. It shouldn't matter whether it works out with you and MM or not. Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't meet your needs? GEL Because you can meet their needs?!!??? (WTF? Is that me?)!!!
wheelwright Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Carrie999. I'd go NC with your Ap for 3 months. Then without further contact, decide if you want to split. If you do, you have a really important consideration. I recently met a dumped man who was bewildered 12 months later. He didn't understand what had happened. He was gaslighted, and knew it somewhere in his soul, but didn't have the facts to help him move on. However, the pain lasted a long time, and wasn't huge and in his face. I believe his W had an A that didn't work out. She left him but didn't tell him that part of the reason. Would you like to live not knowing the real reasons for the break up if he had instigated it? What would that have saved you from? Only the truth. As there are no kids involved, go for honesty. If there were kids, my answer would be different, but only to minimise the acrimony in a break up. And then there would have been a minimised honesty. You have nothing to lose.
SoMovinOn Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I am married, involved in an A with a married woman. I think it's important the decision to get divorced be based on the marriage only. That is, you would divorce your spouse even if there were no A, no one else you were interested in. Leaving them *for* someone else has too many down sides, the least of which, as you said, could be they are not there when the smoke clears. As for the people who say "Just get a divorce"... as though it's ever that easy. I could "Just get a divorce", and my STBXW would end up homeless right now. Filing for divorce may cause the spouse to become violent, the consequences could be horrendous. There are thousands of reasons why a getting a divorce isn't as black and white, or as simple as some people seem to believe. As for coming clean with your spouses... confession may be good for the soul in fairy tales, but, in reality, it's not good for the soul, for your life, for your spouse. Ignorance truly is bliss. Tell them you want a divorce because it just isn't working for you anymore.
maravilla Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I am married, involved in an A with a married woman. I think it's important the decision to get divorced be based on the marriage only. That is, you would divorce your spouse even if there were no A, no one else you were interested in. Leaving them *for* someone else has too many down sides, the least of which, as you said, could be they are not there when the smoke clears. As for the people who say "Just get a divorce"... as though it's ever that easy. I could "Just get a divorce", and my STBXW would end up homeless right now. Filing for divorce may cause the spouse to become violent, the consequences could be horrendous. There are thousands of reasons why a getting a divorce isn't as black and white, or as simple as some people seem to believe. As for coming clean with your spouses... confession may be good for the soul in fairy tales, but, in reality, it's not good for the soul, for your life, for your spouse. Ignorance truly is bliss. Tell them you want a divorce because it just isn't working for you anymore. Sorry but those sound like really lame reasons not to get divorced. So give your ex wife money for rent or let her keep the house but don't stay with her out of pity! I don't buy these excuses... If someone really wants to get divorced, they get divorced no matter what the consequences!
U2RockZz Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 As for the people who say "Just get a divorce"... as though it's ever that easy. I could "Just get a divorce", and my STBXW would end up homeless right now. Filing for divorce may cause the spouse to become violent, the consequences could be horrendous. There are thousands of reasons why a getting a divorce isn't as black and white, or as simple as some people seem to believe. As for coming clean with your spouses... confession may be good for the soul in fairy tales, but, in reality, it's not good for the soul, for your life, for your spouse. Ignorance truly is bliss. Tell them you want a divorce because it just isn't working for you anymore. you won't be having an affair, if your W could possibly get voilent ....so cut the crap and admit that you don't have ba?8s to confess...lies needs more lies to cover...but there lies the sole existence of the cheater.... op....how long you think you can lie...don't make people hate you especially the ones who loved you once
SoMovinOn Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Sorry but those sound like really lame reasons not to get divorced. So give your ex wife money for rent or let her keep the house but don't stay with her out of pity! I don't buy these excuses... If someone really wants to get divorced, they get divorced no matter what the consequences! Reality exists whether you accept it or not. It is a growing trend, in part because of the current housing market, for "split" couples to stay together for financial reasons.
SoMovinOn Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 you won't be having an affair, if your W could possibly get voilent ....so cut the crap and admit that you don't have ba?8s to confess...lies needs more lies to cover...but there lies the sole existence of the cheater.... Oh, thank you for saving me with your noble advice. Oh wait... you're 100% wrong. I have nothing to confess, my wife has known about my A from day one. Got some other snotty, useless remark you'd like to try?
Confused4Now Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Reality exists whether you accept it or not. It is a growing trend, in part because of the current housing market, for "split" couples to stay together for financial reasons.It is true...it's amazing to hear now a days how many people are still living under the same roof even though they are divorced and no longer a couple sleeping in separate rooms. At one point after my divorce...I even thought of living under the same roof with my xW...but then I woke up. I remember my divorce didn't go so well.....hehheee
Mimolicious Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I can't remember your posts/threads, although I was really shocked to hear your OP...wow You should not have had to go through that...I'm really glad you didn't get scared off because there are some really cool people that frequent this forum. I don't think any of my experiences can help you, I think it's good that your going in the direction that you are and I'm glad you guys have decided to do it together. ExDM and I did everything together and it made things much easier. I hope you two can be more supportive of each other, as we were not...but we hung in there regardless. Life is too short....love like you've never been hurt before...most can't do that and end up lonely, miserable people... And these same people could be the ones that actually don't "hurt" because they are selfish and self-centered, yet they hurt others and turn others into lonely and miserable people. OP- tell your H the truth, pack your stuff and get ready to deal with the rest of your life. Hope there are no children involve and for your H's sake, I hope he is a strong dude and doesn't waste his time trying to keep something that is a lie. There is no cookie-cutter way and brace yourself, it wont be scratch-free. Good luck!
GorillaTheater Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Oh, thank you for saving me with your noble advice. Oh wait... you're 100% wrong. I have nothing to confess, my wife has known about my A from day one. Got some other snotty, useless remark you'd like to try? I've got one if he doesn't. You're all concerned about sparing your wife from the Horrors of divorce when you're screwing around practically in front of her? Are you sure you're sparing her from the pain of divorce and not yourself? Sounds like we're talking about your money here, not her pain.
Mimolicious Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Carrie, my biggest fear for you (and I guess for your affair partner) is that you will leave your spouses and then discover that you two are not so perfect together. Another caution is that while he thinks he is your perfect match, he may back out of the relationship when he realizes that he is losing his wife. Or his wife may change her views on children and then he will look at you as compared to her. At that point, it may be too late for you to go back to your own husband, and if he takes you back, then he will know that he was second place in your life...and no longer number one. Have you heard of the phrase "The grass is greener on the other side of the fence?" It is said because so often our mind convinces us that what we don't have is better than what we have. Yet when we get what we think is better, then we find that what we had is actually better for us. The problem with breaking your marriages because of your current relationship is that there will be no turning back. I have no doubt that you believe that it is best but having read your other threads (and quoted them), I still think that patience is best. Having said that, your spouses do deserve the truth...the sooner the better. They are living a life of delusion and are assuming that they are the loves of your lives. Yet they are being deceived. I highly doubt that your husband will appreciate that you think is so amazing as you are screwing his alleged friend. And one last thing....I know you will consider this trivial, but have you considered that this new relationship is built on deceit and lies to your current spouses? Do you truly think that in the future when things get rough, your new husband will be completely faithful to you? When that sexy and attractive female friend comes along and sees him as her perfect partner, then do you think that you will be able to compete with her as you may be pregnant and much less sexy? Or do you think that he will now be totally faithful to you and he will never break his commitment to you? (Before you answer...remember, when you got married to your husband and before he was married to his wife, then neither of you would have dreamed that an affair was an option with these "amazing people.") Good luck in whatever you decide. Do not throw caution to the wind. And please do keep us updated. Very well said James. Like they say, don't make permanent decisions on temporary feelings. This honestly doesn't even sound like a healthy scenario. Carrie, you should make a list of all the things that you are leaving your H for and all the things you are wanting to be with your OM/MM. We should have the things we need and not the things we want, since what we want may change with the weather.
SoMovinOn Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I've got one if he doesn't. You're all concerned about sparing your wife from the Horrors of divorce when you're screwing around practically in front of her? Are you sure you're sparing her from the pain of divorce and not yourself? Sounds like we're talking about your money here, not her pain. Sound like you figured out every detail from a couple of lines of information... which would be how you managed to be completely wrong. I'm not sparing her from divorce, I'm providing a roof over her head while she gets situated in a job and is able to support herself. If I could afford two roofs, I would. Her pain? What reason did you have down for us getting divorced? Are you referring to the pain she feels from her repeated infidelity? Damn details.
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