How to make the break from spouses?

[carrie999]

Okay, I've been hung out to dry here in the two or three posts I've made, and I understand it. I expect more harsh words, but I wouldn't be here if I didn't appreciate the brutal honesty.

 

Without getting into details, MM and I are at the point where we're trying to figure out how to make the break from our marriages. We've accepted that this will be a lengthy and incredibly painful process, and I know I have accepted that in the end, we may end up apart (worst-case scenario) after all the heartache we're causing others, and probably one another to boot. Our spouses are amazing people (despite the issues we have in our respective relationships) and this is going to be horrible.

 

But we decided we can't keep living a lie. We're going to break it to them. One or both of our spouses may decide it's still worth it (furthering our guilt) and fight for the relationship. We're fully aware of the consequences, but neither of us likes living a lie.

 

Slam me if you choose to do so (I know some of you cannot wait to impart the horror stories or anger towards me being an OW), and I'll deal with it. But it would also be nice to hear from anyone who was an OW/OM who was also married or in a committed relationship who managed to make the new relationship work.

 

At least now we're dealing with this honestly.

[bentnotbroken]

Divorce now. It is the kindest thing you can do for them.

[foundmysoulmate]

I am in your boat but have no timeline... I wish you luck and I am proud of your courage to be honest, I wish I was as strong.

[Silly_Girl]

Okay, I've been hung out to dry here in the two or three posts I've made, and I understand it. I expect more harsh words, but I wouldn't be here if I didn't appreciate the brutal honesty.

 

Without getting into details, MM and I are at the point where we're trying to figure out how to make the break from our marriages. We've accepted that this will be a lengthy and incredibly painful process, and I know I have accepted that in the end, we may end up apart (worst-case scenario) after all the heartache we're causing others, and probably one another to boot. Our spouses are amazing people (despite the issues we have in our respective relationships) and this is going to be horrible.

 

But we decided we can't keep living a lie. We're going to break it to them. One or both of our spouses may decide it's still worth it (furthering our guilt) and fight for the relationship. We're fully aware of the consequences, but neither of us likes living a lie.

 

Slam me if you choose to do so (I know some of you cannot wait to impart the horror stories or anger towards me being an OW), and I'll deal with it. But it would also be nice to hear from anyone who was an OW/OM who was also married or in a committed relationship who managed to make the new relationship work.

 

At least now we're dealing with this honestly.

 

You're leaving 'amazing' spouses to potentially end up alone???

 

And if a spouse 'fights for' a relationship - if you've made your minds up about where you want to be, is their reaction really relevant?

 

This seems a bit messed up.

 

You say you're dealing with it honestly. So your spouses know? How did they take it? I can't even imagine how stressful things must be.

[Star_Bright]

Well I applaud your decision to stop living a lie and to be honest with your husband. So I say, just tell him straight up. Give him the truth. Tell him you have been having an affair with this friend, that you love him and want to be with him and not be married anymore. File the paperwork. There can be nothing your husband can do if you really want to be done with the marriage. If he wants to fight to keep the marriage, perhaps that will change your heart, but if not, keep going in the direction you want to go in.

 

Do bear in mind that things with MM may not turn out the same way. Say your husband agrees to divorce with this knowledge but MM's wife wants to fight to keep the marriage and he thinks it's worth giving the marriage another chance, or vice versa. I think each of you needs to make the decision for yourself and not base it on the other. If you are done with your marriage, give your husband the truth and divorce him. And he can do the same with his wife.

 

I wish you the best possible outcome. It's hard to tell the truth and I admire you for doing that.

[Sexiness]

I have no advice for u cuz I have never been in ur situation but I can read the concern in ur message and I just want to wish u the best in whatever u choose to do.... Life is hard and u should be happy...

[whichwayisup]

MM and I are at the point where we're trying to figure out how to make the break from our marriages.

 

You both be honest and tell your spouses the truth. If you two want to be together and want leave/divorce your spouses, JUST DO IT. Why prolong it? It's going hurt them both, deeply and they'll be devastated, the longer you wait, the harder it'll be.

 

Does your H know how miserable you are? Does your MM's wife know how unhappy he is? Or is this going to come as a complete shock to them, as I figure (just a wild guess) you and your MM have made it seem like things are perfectly normal and okay at home..?

 

Or, are you two loving the fantasy of wanting to be together, yet neither of you truly mean it in the sense of actually leaving and divorcing? What's the hold up? Hurting your spouses, or realizing that once you two are together the "affair dynamic" will end and it'll be more of a real, realistic relationship?

[fooled once]

Okay, I've been hung out to dry here in the two or three posts I've made, and I understand it. I expect more harsh words, but I wouldn't be here if I didn't appreciate the brutal honesty.

 

Without getting into details, MM and I are at the point where we're trying to figure out how to make the break from our marriages. We've accepted that this will be a lengthy and incredibly painful process, and I know I have accepted that in the end, we may end up apart (worst-case scenario) after all the heartache we're causing others, and probably one another to boot. Our spouses are amazing people (despite the issues we have in our respective relationships) and this is going to be horrible.

 

But we decided we can't keep living a lie. We're going to break it to them. One or both of our spouses may decide it's still worth it (furthering our guilt) and fight for the relationship. We're fully aware of the consequences, but neither of us likes living a lie.

 

Slam me if you choose to do so (I know some of you cannot wait to impart the horror stories or anger towards me being an OW), and I'll deal with it. But it would also be nice to hear from anyone who was an OW/OM who was also married or in a committed relationship who managed to make the new relationship work.

 

At least now we're dealing with this honestly.

 

See, it is these types of posts which are not helpful.

 

I don't understand why people post on a forum if they aren't going to be receptive to ALL posts.

 

Especially the bolded...you started this post entirely negative and already defensive. It seems as if posters are wasting their time responding since you already have your defenses up.

 

Good luck in whatever you do.

[carrie999]

See, it is these types of posts which are not helpful.

 

I don't understand why people post on a forum if they aren't going to be receptive to ALL posts.

 

Especially the bolded...you started this post entirely negative and already defensive. It seems as if posters are wasting their time responding since you already have your defenses up.

 

Good luck in whatever you do.

 

I do have my defenses up. I've posted here before, and the overwhelming response is that we're being selfish. I do not disagree. Our marriages are not miserable, and we do care about our spouses. They're both wonderful people. I don't think anyone is wasting their time in responding to my posts; if I did, I wouldn't be posting here again. Truthfully, the negative responses have served as the catalyst for me to decide that it's completely unfair for me to be in limbo, and I need to be honest about what's going on here. I knew that already, but being confronted with it drove it forward.

 

And that is why I'm asking now for support and advice, beyond the professional help I've sought. I appreciate the criticism, but it's also nice to hear some kind words, and some encouragement from those who have made a less than pretty situation work out in the long term. I know that reality will probably be less than kind to us, and maybe we deserve that.

 

But at this point, at least we're coming clean. Has anyone come clean and found that the new relationship works? Or simply peace in coming clean?

[whichwayisup]

But at this point, at least we're coming clean. Has anyone come clean and found that the new relationship works? Or simply peace in coming clean?

 

See, that's part of the problem.. You want a guarantee that it's going to work after you two leave your spouses. Noone can promise you that, you two will have to learn it on your own and learn along the way. Let's say it doesnt work out, things go south and you wish you never divorced your H, left him for someone else. What then? These thoughts a good because it gets you thinking and maybe realizing that once your marriage ends, there IS a big what if things don't work out and you'll be on your own.

 

You love your H, the marriage was OK, no real reason to leave, probably wouldn't consider leaving your H and divorcing him if there wasn't someone else.

 

SO, the bottomline is, you ARE divorcing and leaving your H for someone else. And, with that bring guilt, shame and knowing that you hurt your H, didn't mean to but allowed yourself to fall inlove and love the MM more. Own it and just divorce. You and the MM can seek counseling to help you cope and change the A into a real relationship and not one based on an affair dynamic and hidden.

 

I take it you all had a D-day? (discovery day of the affair)

[MorningCoffee]

I was kind of in a similar situation, minus the infidelity part (well, there was past infidelity, but that was not really our issue by the time of the ultimate dissolution of our marriage).

 

There came a point in my marriage when I realized I could no longer stay with someone I did not love. I remember driving home one night, being on the phone with him, and I literally could not get the words out that I wanted a divorce. He had to ask me yes and no questions to get his answers, and I could barely respond with an uh-huh.

 

People say "well, just divorce him..." and I'm sure I have said it a time or two myself, but it is difficult. It is not as easy for some as they make it out to be.

 

It may be the start of a new relationship for you and your MM but it is the death of your old (and admittedly good) life with your spouses. When my marriage crumbled it was like my child died. And while I am extremely happy and in love with my boyfriend (and my XH is head over heels with his fiance) there are days when I still feel the pangs of bygone hopes and dreams.

 

Such is life. Good luck.

 

This is a very well described picture of the cost folks will pay in pursuit of what their heart desires. Poignant and truthful sounding. Yes, bringing the truth out is the right path, but will lead to loss. And the fact is that loss -- of any meaningful relationship, let alone marriage -- leaves scars. Emotional memory scars. Like any scars, some are quiet and won't trouble you, others may occasionally itch or even have a twinge of pain.

 

The future that could have been but now will never be -- there's a loss that the passage of time cannot recoup or redeem. There's not a lot to be gained from dwelling on it, but it is refreshing to read such an accurate portrayal of this experience, which I certainly recognize and I expect others do, too. So thanks again for a realistic picture of what the OP is likely to face in the future.

[GreenEyedLady]

If you know what you want, go for it.

 

But there are never any guarantees in life.

 

Live authentically.

 

It shouldn't matter whether it works out with you and MM or not. Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't meet your needs?

 

GEL

Edited October 12, 2010 by GreenEyedLady
inappropriate use of homonymn

[carhill]

But at this point, at least we're coming clean. Has anyone come clean and found that the new relationship works? Or simply peace in coming clean?

 

Sure, but the process gave me clarity to see that both relationships were toxic. Clarity is a wonderful thing and clear and honest discourse (coming clean) is a pathway to health, for everyone. Yes, it is peaceful.

 

Mutually disclose, file for your respective divorces and be transparent about the divorce docket with each other. Being generous in your settlement negotiations can be helpful. Good luck

Edited October 12, 2010 by carhill

[MorningCoffee]

I would like to add that you do not have to disclose the affair to your spouses if you are leaving. There really is no reason to add salt to the wounds.

 

If you have made up your mind to leave, then there is no reason to disclose the affair, as it will simply hurt your spouses more and will cause you added difficulties in your pending divorce.

 

I applaud OP's and her MM's steps towards honesty and confronting the need to make changes.

 

But I cannot see how the fact of the affair won't inevitably come up, since IIRC, the two couples are very close friends. So when the shyte hits the fan, wouldn't OP's MM's BW likely turn to OP for comfort and support in her distress? How's she going to keep the affair a secret then, huh?

 

Methinks this will be a bit more complicated since everybody already knows and is close to everybody. Courage. It's going to take lots of courage.

[UntoldStory]

If you know what you want, go for it.

 

But there are never any guarantees in life.

 

Live authentically.

 

It shouldn't matter whether it works out with you and MM or not. Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't meet your needs?

 

GEL

 

I cannot agree more.

 

If you're going to end your marriage, do it because it is not working for you, and because you acknowledge that you would rather live without a partner (for a while) than continue to live with someone who cannot or will not ever be able to meet your needs.

 

I'm not saying that when you leave one relationship for another, the second one is always doomed. But as GEL said, there are never any guarantees in life and you need to be happy with or without your soulmate. (working on it myself)

[Spark1111]

fBS here.....

 

I would have far more appreciated the truth than all the lying and secrecy.

 

So would have my children.

 

Look, I'm a grown up. As hurtful as it would have been to be told he had developed feelings for another, that is a fact of life possible in any relationship.

 

We could have separated, gone to counseling to see if there was a relationship worth saving, or would have learned how to have a more amicable divorce. I could have dated too.

 

But I and our children would have had more respect for him in that he had told us the truth.

 

That IS what grown ups do. They make a decision and OWN their actions and prepare for the fallout of that decision. They also conduct themselves with dignity and grace, and do not sneak around like rebellious teenagers.

 

OWN your decision to leave your marriage, whether your OM is in your future or not.

[Confused4Now]

I would like to add that you do not have to disclose the affair to your spouses if you are leaving. There really is no reason to add salt to the wounds.

 

If you have made up your mind to leave, then there is no reason to disclose the affair, as it will simply hurt your spouses more and will cause you added difficulties in your pending divorce.

This sounds like my situation....I will add and agree with TG.

 

1. Leave your marriage knowing that you could up being alone.

2. Do not disclose to your spouses about the OM/OW cause all it does is causes delays and added drama. If you were going to leave no matter what no reason to pour salt in the wound. BTW I disclosed to my xW and man what a mess.

3. Take the time to be alone and grieve the death of your marriage and look deep figure out what made you look outside of your marriage.

4. DO NOT SEND mixed message to soon to be x....

5. Have a clear cut plan and stick to it.

6. Start working out...get in shape this will help with stuff going on in your head. Take up positive hobbies.

7. If you go out with friends go out in groups. You won't really be ready for anyone for some time.

8. OWN you part in all of this....to many people play the blame game or do the pity party.

9. Good luck you're going to need it.

[woinlove]

I would like to add that you do not have to disclose the affair to your spouses if you are leaving. There really is no reason to add salt to the wounds.

 

If you have made up your mind to leave, then there is no reason to disclose the affair, as it will simply hurt your spouses more and will cause you added difficulties in your pending divorce.

 

I think in this case even their common friends are likely to find out. I don't see how they can keep this all secret from so many people if they leave their spouses. The only reason their spouses don't know is because they seem to all be friends who trust each other. Spouses can have a very high level of trust, but that is unlikely to extend to all their common friends.

 

Carrie, just a couple months ago you were adamant that you were happy with your "wonderful" H, wouldn't change anything about your M, and would never leave. At the time, you argued this was just a secret on the side that wouldn't have any consequences to your M. No one needed to know, no one would get hurt. Are you worried that you will be saying the same thing about your OM in a few years? Because all that stuff you said about your M and H being wonderful is what you likely feel about your OM and affair now. Maybe what you said a couple months ago was a fantasy or maybe what you are saying now is a fantasy. What do you think?

[JamesM]

Another perspective...

 

Without judging you, I wonder if it would be wiser to wait a bit before breaking up two families. Why I say this is because back in August you said.....

 

This is really confusing for me. I have no doubts about my relationship or his. Neither of us would leave our spouses, and we're both really happy. Of course, clearly *something* is "wrong" if we're willing to stray, but I honestly have no gripes about my life and wouldn't change anything about my relationship. Neither would he. But now we're both enjoying this "secret rendezvous" between us.

 

and....

 

I know what you're saying is right, and I need to end this before anyone other than the two of us gets hurt.

 

and....

 

I'm counting on distance and fear of getting caught to let this die down. The excitement will fade before we spend enough time together to get caught. I've been through enough normal relationships not to put faith in much of anything until I met my husband.

 

and....

 

In short, we've come to our senses. Our marriages and long-term friendship is our priority...

 

Then in September you revealed.....

 

So I posted here for advice, and I'm sure I got the right advice. I was ready to end things, and tried to. It didn't work out that way.

 

and....

 

We're truly perfect together. Nobody completes me the way he does. He's a match to me in soul, body, and mind...

 

and....

 

We agreed that we're at the point where we are almost willing to do so, but we'd lose everything in terms of everyone else...our spouses, our families, and our friends. Everyone would hate us.

 

 

 

Perhaps in another month, then one or both of you will decide that your relationship is not something that will last. Then you may still want to tell your spouses but from a whole different angle. Now you want to end your marriages, but then you might want to keep them.

 

I think it would be wiser to wait a little longer to decide if this is true love and not an infatuation with the secret affair. Besides, despite what you may think, you truly do not know how he feels about this whole relationship. From seeing it happen here many times, when reality strikes and you actually are losing your families and it is just the two of you, then you will face what has been done.

 

Think this through before making any hasty decisions. Most relationships go through a honeymoon phase, and it lasts at least six months and up to a year.

 

Give this time.

[Grace2010]

 

But at this point, at least we're coming clean. Has anyone come clean and found that the new relationship works? Or simply peace in coming clean?

 

Yes. there is peace in coming clean. And hidden gifts, despite the shame in the uncovering, the ripple of hurt and disappointment that affects not just your spouses, but the mutual friends (and others) as well.

 

A huge peace. And added guilt because with your peace, comes hurt and pain for the others.

 

It's a lose-lose in the short term. If it's meant to be, and all works as it should, it should become a win-win for all.

 

Hugs. I hear you. It's an awful position.

 

But in my case, yes...the new relationship works. And is more amazing than I ever hoped for.

[bestplayer]

I do have my defenses up. I've posted here before, and the overwhelming response is that we're being selfish. I do not disagree. Our marriages are not miserable, and we do care about our spouses. They're both wonderful people. I don't think anyone is wasting their time in responding to my posts; if I did, I wouldn't be posting here again. Truthfully, the negative responses have served as the catalyst for me to decide that it's completely unfair for me to be in limbo, and I need to be honest about what's going on here. I knew that already, but being confronted with it drove it forward.

 

And that is why I'm asking now for support and advice, beyond the professional help I've sought. I appreciate the criticism, but it's also nice to hear some kind words, and some encouragement from those who have made a less than pretty situation work out in the long term. I know that reality will probably be less than kind to us, and maybe we deserve that.

 

But at this point, at least we're coming clean. Has anyone come clean and found that the new relationship works? Or simply peace in coming clean?

 

well i doesn't look like a less than pretty situation for you as you are dumping your H to be with your lover & thats what you want right ? but it is definately a less than pretty situationfor your H .

 

.....Our marriages are not miserable, and we do care about our spouses....

 

Honestly , you know you dont mean that when you say you do care about your spouses , so what is the point in convincing others to believe this lie ? That is again not honesty .

 

 

 

BEST OF LUCKS

Edited October 12, 2010 by bestplayer

[woinlove]

 

.....Our marriages are not miserable, and we do care about our spouses....

 

Honestly , you know you dont mean that when you say you do care about your spouses , so what is the point in convincing others to believe this lie ? That is again not honesty .

 

 

I think what is meant is that they care enough for it to impact on them. When they see their spouses feelings of hurt and being betrayed by those they love, it will impact them. It wasn't enough to stop the affair when it first started and it certainly isn't enough now. But some people don't even care to that extent - their spouses hurt and feelings of hopelessness and despair don't matter. I don't think Carrie is in that situation. It will matter even if getting together with her lover matters more.

 

Carrie, James made some very good points. To switch from never leaving your H and being happily married in August to destroying all that now is a very sudden switch. Aren't you being a bit erratic? If your lover dropped out of the picture completely for reasons beyond your control, would you still want to end your M?

 

You no doubt have found things in your lover that you find missing in your H. Try to balance that with the fact that your lover is also someone who betrayed his W at a time when he still said she was wonderful, didn't deserve it and they were happily married. I know you did this too, but it likely is not you on your best behavior. So, you've found someone else not on their best behavior too. Just make sure you are not going to end up missing the loyalty and trustworthiness of your H, if those are traits he has been able to offer you. They may not seem like important traits right now, but over the long haul, especially if you'd like to have children, they can be quite important traits. Of course, with counselling, you and your lover may develop these traits but don't expect them to develop without effort just because you two have had such an amazing connection over a few months.

[scatterd]

I think you both being honest and moving on together is what you both should do.He means enough to you to take the risk and so do you to him.

If both of your mates are good people then they also deserve a honest realationship.If you loved them at all or do love them you will be honest

and let them find what you have found.Live and let Live Love and let Love.

If you have doubts you should both let go of each other be honest and go

to MC Good Luck

[Samantha0905]

Why don't all four of you sit down and have a meeting to discuss it? That way everyone will hear what is said to and by each others spouses. I'd like to see the outcome of that. It would indeed be entirely open communication.

[bentnotbroken]

Why don't all four of you sit down and have a meeting to discuss it? That way everyone will hear what is said to and by each others spouses. I'd like to see the outcome of that. It would indeed be entirely open communication.

 

 

Something that I think most BS would appreciate in the end even if at first it hurts like hell.