spittingrage Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Well after several months (see previous posts if interested), I am back on LS again. Things between my husband and I have reached their ugly forgone conclusion. I recently told my husband I wanted a divorce. I'm sick of trying to carry the majority of the emotional water in this marriage and muscling the lion's share of the household responsibilities and child care, only to get extreme contempt and yelling hostility as a response when I ask for more help. I'm sick of him being either high on pot or drunk (usually both) when he's not working or sleeping, especially while I'm in recovery & trying to stay sober. I'm sick of him constantly complaining about having to work for a living like everyone else does, and making allusions to being "borderline suicidal" whenever he wants to duck my confrontation on his behaviors. I'm sick of his porn obsession, of finding his self-portraits of his c**k all over my hard drive and Craigslist, and listening to him whacking off in the shower. I'm sure by now you get the idea. I'm broke. I've had no steady job since my son was born three years ago, and my husband only found another job recently after being fired for blowing a random drug test. He's being extremely hostile to me since I told him I wanted a divorce - refusing to move out, threatening to cut me off financially, and (of course) cutting off whatever marginal contributions he made to the housework and childcare. It's like living with a hostile (but dependent) teenager...I don't want my son around this sort of display, but my husband couldn't care less about anything but himself. I'm six months away from getting my college degree. I have a part time work study job, but the pay is minimal. My husband's dad cosigned (with me) on our mortgage, so I have to find some sort of way to communicate with him about this situation - if my husband cuts me off financially, I'll have no way to pay the bills. In other words, I have boxed myself nicely into a seriously f***ed up situation. I'm wondering what I should do. Should I just say to hell with the house, move my son and I into an apartment somewhere and get public assistance until I graduate next year and (hopefully) find a full time job? Or should I try to defend what's (theoretically) mine and get my husband to leave? I don't want my poor 3 year old son living in a war zone, and my husband hasn't showed much interest in checking himself when he's around him. And as frustrated as I'm getting, I could easily start screaming too. Thanks for listening, folks.
You Go Girl Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I feel so much empathy for you. I've been there, and am still emotionally knee deep in the shyte. But I think I have found a shovel. That shovel is refusing to own what isn't mine, what pain I have endured, that I did not cause to myself. <---This, is empowering me. I DID NOT DESERVE IT. Neither, do YOU! My tbx is an alcholic and a porn addict. So I understand, you know I do, on a level most have no idea. Logistically, figure out the math on the house and the situation. Don't do anything rash. You've endured more than most will ever even begin to understand the hell you've lived in. You can survive this transition period, although I know you want relief NOW. Figure it out. You can do this. What is the financial fallout from leaving that house vs. the emotional pain? Weigh them carefully. Don't let go of what is rightfully yours in a show of anger. Keep posting. I'll be watching your thread. After 30 or some number of posts, you can send and receive private messages.
trippi1432 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Hi Spittingrage - First, I hate that this is happening for you and your child....you have my sympathy. Second, I've looked back through your other posts and I guess I need to get some clarification to bring it all together. There is a lot of frustration going on it sounds like on both sides. Could you clarify, you say you haven't worked since your son was born 3 years ago, but in a post back in June this year you stated that your son was 10 months old. Is is one child or two...as I may have missed that. Also, not clear on the length of marriage....6 years or four and a half? The posts are in so many different forums...just wanting to get the bigger picture. You state that you are in recovery, I assume that is for the drinking and the occasional cocaine use that you referred to in your other post (Trying to get sober). How long have you been in recovery and are you talking to counselors about what is going on in the home, with his bi-sexuality, drinking, drug use and porn addiction? While what you have stated in your original post here is an indication that the two of you may need to disengage because it does sound like it's getting out of control, has your husband been getting any help for his issues?
Suerenity Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Wow! For a moment I thought I was reading my own story there. First of all I must say that I know just what you're feeling. Exact problems with mine. He's high on weed everynight, hostile around the kids, earns barely enough to pay the bills, has treated me like trash for the most part of our marriage, totally addicted to porn (has even raped me in my sleep because of it)...to say the least. I'm also in a bad financial situation because my job is crap in terms of salary and I have no one in this vicinity who me and my kids can just pack up and move in with for the time being. I want to say wait until you're finished school, that way you will be earning more to take care of you and your son BUT, that's what I probably would have done. Which doesn't make sense because you're only prolonging both of your suffering. I guess with assistance and help from others you can make it. It's a mind thing I guess. See my mind is practically made up but I still can't go anywhere unless I have someplace to go to. Pray about it and listen for the answers. You will be fine. No one deserves that kind of life, especially when you have a child involved.
2sure Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Since having a child and remaining sober you have completely lost your patience with your H. Given his behavior...a DO OVER is what is required here. Deal with him for the next 6 months until you have a chance of better employment. At the end of that time see a lawyer AND talk to your FIL re the mortgage. You will struggle as single moms do ...but you are struggling now. How nice will it be to relieve yourself of the burden your H is and will continue to be.
Gunny376 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I took particular interest in your thread because of a number of things? One your trying to get to get and stay sober ~ a daily struggle ~ be it drugs or whatever its so easy to just f*** it! Which is to say "Once you've danced with the Devil ~ You don't change Him ~ He changes YOU! I've never tried drugs ~ simply because I was LITTERALLY afraid I mike them! Which is the best reason to never try any kind of medication unless you absolutely have to. When I broke my foot the Dr. prescribed some pain killers ~ I told him no thanks I deal with over the counter Tylenol and aspirin. You didn't mention what you major in college was? In this economy it really doesn't matter. Even graduating Rn's (Register Nurses) are having a hard time finding a job because older RN's already in the employment stream are postponing retirement because of spouses having being laid off etc. Even teachers grads aren't safe ~ as states are talking about massive layoffs because of budget cuts. Here locally each teacher has a 'teachers aide" that is paid $7.50 an hour and each of them hold a Bacehlors Degree in Childhood Education. They each and everyone wanting for some teacher to retire, transfer, die etc to get their job? Back to you and the DH? You've a number of options? Its just about how 'down and dirty' you want to get about it? Of course you could use the "COPS" excuse that he physically used and abused you? Not recommended as it come back to bite you if you cannot back it up in the medium and long run! (The Short run you can in getting him arrested) The second strategty is to have him arrested for having "weed" in the home. Stragety #3 Have arrested when he comes home demonstratively drunk argumintive, and abusive. (The more he argues with the COPS the better!) You and the dear FIL can go to court to get a court order to keep him off and away from the property. Not only that you can go to court and force him to liquidate his claim to the property. But its going to cost you in attorney's fees to do so. Trust me! You can pay me now! Or you can pay me latter ~ and we're talking five, ten years down the road! If at all you can? This is what I would recommend you do! Its basic Marine Corps! Its basic Special Forces! Its basic Marine Corps Recon! Its Basic Navy Seals Its Basic Army Rangers Its Basic Army Special Forces (Green Berets) Shelter Food Water Fire Cover Protection You can find all of those at a "Woman's Protection Center" ( Just dial 911) and they will find a place for you to bed for the night and place you and yours! AS for as the mortgage? Forget that! Yes call the FIL and let him he's got a world of hurt about to come down on him and you because of so-called DS! But its time for you to also tell him this plane is on fire AND I'm not just bailing! I'M NOT JUST GONE! I'M GETTIN' THA' HELL OUT HERE!
trippi1432 Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Heeeeyyy Gunny!!! You know I can't debate a thing you posted..good to see ya back...huge hugs~~~:love::love:
Author spittingrage Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 I feel so much empathy for you. I've been there, and am still emotionally knee deep in the shyte. But I think I have found a shovel. That shovel is refusing to own what isn't mine, what pain I have endured, that I did not cause to myself. <---This, is empowering me. I DID NOT DESERVE IT. Neither, do YOU! Thanks, YoGoGirl. My spouse and I have been married for almost 7 years, and in that time I have most definitely put him through some emotional hell (see: pre-recovery alcohol and drug issues). But I am really, really trying to learn to live a sober life, and I feel like my spouse is holding me back. If it were a situation where he smoked some pot once in a while and had a couple of beers after getting home at night I wouldn't be so angry, but my husband is NOT a casual recreational user of pot or booze. Going through a couple of cases of beer and two handles of gin every week BY YOURSELF is NOT casual drinking. Add at least a quarter ounce of weed per month to that equation and you've got someone who clearly can't deal with life without some kind of heavy buzz going on. My tbx is an alcholic and a porn addict. So I understand, you know I do, on a level most have no idea. I'm not "anti" porn by any means, but when taken within the larger context of my husband continuously trying to escape reality (booze, pot, porn) it becomes concerning. At what point does masturbation & porn start to become the bread and butter of one's sex life, as opposed to being a "spice"? Logistically, figure out the math on the house and the situation. Don't do anything rash. You've endured more than most will ever even begin to understand the hell you've lived in. You can survive this transition period, although I know you want relief NOW. Figure it out. You can do this. What is the financial fallout from leaving that house vs. the emotional pain? Weigh them carefully. Don't let go of what is rightfully yours in a show of anger. I am trying to remain calm, patient and present throughout all of this, but of course it can be hard, especially when I feel like my husband is rubbing my financial dependency in my face. For example, I found out that after I told him I wanted a divorce last week, he canceled direct deposit on his paycheck. WTF?? If I had been screwing around on him, or he came home to find some heavy ready to toss him out on his ass, I could understand that sort of pre-emptive strike. But none of those things have happened, and we have a small child for christsakes! In any case, it was a very pointed reminder of what I am REALLY dealing with - someone who is too lost in himself and his own agenda to REALLY care about anyone else. Keep posting. I'll be watching your thread. After 30 or some number of posts, you can send and receive private messages. Thanks for the empathy, YouGoGirl. Self-pity is something I'm trying to avoid as much as I can, but empathy from others is a big, big help. Sometimes it's just good to know that others recognize this situation for what it is and that I am NOT in fact crazy (which my husband also tries to suggest from time to time. Whatever.)
Author spittingrage Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 Hi Spittingrage - First, I hate that this is happening for you and your child....you have my sympathy. Second, I've looked back through your other posts and I guess I need to get some clarification to bring it all together. There is a lot of frustration going on it sounds like on both sides. Thanks for posting, Trippi. I'll try to clarify if I can. Could you clarify, you say you haven't worked since your son was born 3 years ago, but in a post back in June this year you stated that your son was 10 months old. Is is one child or two...as I may have missed that. Also, not clear on the length of marriage....6 years or four and a half? You may have misread some of the dates on the posts, but who can keep track of these things anyway? My son was born in September of 2007, so he just turned 3. I only have one child. My husband and I were married in March of 2004, so it's been about 6.5 years or so of marriage. The posts are in so many different forums...just wanting to get the bigger picture. You state that you are in recovery, I assume that is for the drinking and the occasional cocaine use that you referred to in your other post (Trying to get sober). How long have you been in recovery and are you talking to counselors about what is going on in the home, with his bi-sexuality, drinking, drug use and porn addiction? Yes, sorry for the scattered posts - just goes to show how many "issues" are problematic in my marriage, eh? I have been in and out of recovery since October of 2004, but I got really serious about getting sober in July of 2008. I had been continuously sober for about 17 months until December of 2009, when I went out and drank for over my husband's coming out bi (and subsequently threatening to divorce me after I tried to be supportive for him) - I ended up in detox after that binge. I went immediately back into the program after this ugly episode, and have been totally clean and sober ever since - just about ten months as of today. I have tried to seek counseling about these various issues, but my husband isn't interested in attending therapy, and I feel resentful about having to do all the work by myself. He did see a therapist on his own maybe two times after the whole coming out bi event, but based on his own reports he talked more about his own sexual identity than he did about the impact this would have on our marriage. Of course, what the hell can really be accomplished with two therapy visits anyway? I'm considering seeing a therapist on my own, but as I've mentioned money is a big problem. While what you have stated in your original post here is an indication that the two of you may need to disengage because it does sound like it's getting out of control, has your husband been getting any help for his issues? Essentially disengaging from my husband emotionally is something I've been doing for some time. But because I'm still dependent on him financially and for child care, it's hard to totally disengage, especially when he starts waving around the financial issues whenever he feels threatened. I really dislike conflict, but I find myself having to "make nice" a LOT more than I want to. It's getting to me emotionally and psychologically. As for the child care, that's a tough one too - I'm getting to the point where I don't want to leave my son alone with my husband. My husband isn't physically abusive, and never has been; however, he is neglectful and hot tempered with our son (much as he is with me). I'm not comfortable with my husband sleeping in all morning after plunking our son down in front of the DVD player...if I caught a babysitter doing something like that I would fire them on the spot! Anyway, the situation as a whole places a lot of burden on me and, well what can I say? It's starting to chafe!
Author spittingrage Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 Wow! For a moment I thought I was reading my own story there. First of all I must say that I know just what you're feeling. Exact problems with mine. He's high on weed everynight, hostile around the kids, earns barely enough to pay the bills, has treated me like trash for the most part of our marriage, totally addicted to porn (has even raped me in my sleep because of it)...to say the least. I'm also in a bad financial situation because my job is crap in terms of salary and I have no one in this vicinity who me and my kids can just pack up and move in with for the time being. Thanks for posting, Surenity. I feel for you, sister...these are tough tough times to be financially dependent on a bad marriage. I hope both our situations resolve themselves as best they can, and soon! I want to say wait until you're finished school, that way you will be earning more to take care of you and your son BUT, that's what I probably would have done. Which doesn't make sense because you're only prolonging both of your suffering. The school thing is a goal I have been trying to achieve for a long, long time. My degree is in art so it's not like I have a gold key to a high-paying job after I graduate, but I'm planning to go for an advanced degree at some point and of course I'll need a bachelor's first. Perhaps I am prolonging some suffering by staying, but I saw my husband through getting HIS degree (he graduated earlier this year), and I figure fair is fair. I guess with assistance and help from others you can make it. It's a mind thing I guess. See my mind is practically made up but I still can't go anywhere unless I have someplace to go to. Yes, a lot of this is all about where I am in my mind, but that's a slippery slope. I can justify putting up with this crap for the short term, but as I see it the marriage is essentially terminal. I just hope that I can ride out this situation with as little soul corrosion as possible. Pray about it and listen for the answers. You will be fine. No one deserves that kind of life, especially when you have a child involved. Thanks Surenity - I am praying and meditating about it, and I think ultimately the situation will work out as long as I stay sober and take good care of my son. It hurts now, but nothing lasts forever!
Author spittingrage Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 Since having a child and remaining sober you have completely lost your patience with your H. Given his behavior...a DO OVER is what is required here. Deal with him for the next 6 months until you have a chance of better employment. At the end of that time see a lawyer AND talk to your FIL re the mortgage. You will struggle as single moms do ...but you are struggling now. How nice will it be to relieve yourself of the burden your H is and will continue to be. Thanks for posting, 2Sure. That's pretty much my plan, and I haven't kept this as a big secret from my spouse either. I don't want a lot of drama and conflict but at the same time I'm not going to be a doormat. I'm picking my battles as best I can in the meantime.
Author spittingrage Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 I took particular interest in your thread because of a number of things? One your trying to get to get and stay sober ~ a daily struggle ~ be it drugs or whatever its so easy to just f*** it! Which is to say "Once you've danced with the Devil ~ You don't change Him ~ He changes YOU! I've never tried drugs ~ simply because I was LITTERALLY afraid I mike them! Which is the best reason to never try any kind of medication unless you absolutely have to. When I broke my foot the Dr. prescribed some pain killers ~ I told him no thanks I deal with over the counter Tylenol and aspirin. Thanks for posting, Gunny. Your words brought a smile to my face. Yes, I've been in and out of recovery for a while, but I've been sober for 99% of the past 2 years and 3 months - not that that counts in my recovery group, but I think it's a good thing! You didn't mention what you major in college was? I'm an art major - digital art and photography. Not exactly great prospects with that degree, but I do have some professional experience too, and at some point I'm considering going for an advanced degree. In this economy it really doesn't matter. Even graduating Rn's (Register Nurses) are having a hard time finding a job because older RN's already in the employment stream are postponing retirement because of spouses having being laid off etc. Even teachers grads aren't safe ~ as states are talking about massive layoffs because of budget cuts. Here locally each teacher has a 'teachers aide" that is paid $7.50 an hour and each of them hold a Bacehlors Degree in Childhood Education. They each and everyone wanting for some teacher to retire, transfer, die etc to get their job? I'm not anticipating getting the gold key to the downstairs crapper in any job that I find, but a little bit of security would be nice. I'm not planning on having any more kids, so if it's just me and my son I guess odds are a little better...I hope?? Back to you and the DH? You've a number of options? Its just about how 'down and dirty' you want to get about it? Of course you could use the "COPS" excuse that he physically used and abused you? Not recommended as it come back to bite you if you cannot back it up in the medium and long run! (The Short run you can in getting him arrested) My husband has never physically abused me or my son, so to call the cops on him for that would be disingenuous. Unless he actually DID get physical, in which case I would have the cops on his ass so fast it would make his head spin! The second strategty is to have him arrested for having "weed" in the home. I think I would only do that as an add-on to a domestic violence situation if one ever arose. Stragety #3 Have arrested when he comes home demonstratively drunk argumintive, and abusive. (The more he argues with the COPS the better!) If it came to it, this one I _would_ do. And yes, I think he would rapidly dig his own hole with the cops in that situation. You and the dear FIL can go to court to get a court order to keep him off and away from the property. Again, if it came to it, this is what I would do. And in CO (where I live) once you file divorce papers, the two parties involved are prohibited from harassing each other - kinda like a restraining order. This is what I would recommend you do! Its basic Marine Corps! Its basic Special Forces! Its basic Marine Corps Recon! Its Basic Navy Seals Its Basic Army Rangers Its Basic Army Special Forces (Green Berets) Alas, I'm staring down the barrel of 40, so I'm too old to enlist! Shelter Food Water Fire Cover Protection You can find all of those at a "Woman's Protection Center" ( Just dial 911) and they will find a place for you to bed for the night and place you and yours! Yup. I've looked into applying for a special single mom's apartment complex too - sliding scale for rent. Great resource, although I hope I never need it. AS for as the mortgage? Forget that! Yes call the FIL and let him he's got a world of hurt about to come down on him and you because of so-called DS! But its time for you to also tell him this plane is on fire AND I'm not just bailing! I'M NOT JUST GONE! I'M GETTIN' THA' HELL OUT HERE! Hopefully it won't come to that, but if things got violent or really ugly I would scoop up my son and get the hell out, posthaste! Tip the hell out the door, jet, scoot, shove off, all of the above. And yes, as soon as I did I would be on the phone with my FIL to warn him of the coming **** storm. Sheesh...aren't relationships grand??
You Go Girl Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 There's a site you need to visit where you will get more help with addictions than here. soberrecovery. Very much like AA/Al-anon, but covers just about everything. Some very wise postings there--read the stickies at the top of the sections first.
Author spittingrage Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 Thanks for the tip, UGo. I'm already a member of AA, but soberrecovery has a lot of good information too.
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