Forum Ettiquette?

[greengoddess]

But needing to be the knight in shining armor does.

 

 

I get the impression that YOU are aiding your married man? Is that right? *asked in a very nice tone lol* So is it you you are talking about that Needs to be the knight?

[JamesM]

wow so you are blaming the BS for the married man's choice to cheat?

 

No, there is not a black and white...that is what I am saying. A bad marriage contributed more to the WS's choice of an affair than the background of the OW/OM.

 

The choice was still made by the WS.

 

But admitting that there were problems that led to the affair is healthy for all involved. And if we look back at the lives of the BSs just as you looked back at the lives of the OWs and OMs, then I am guessing that the percentage of both who come from bad backgrounds is more similar than you realize.

 

I am saying that the background of the BS contributes as equally to the breakup of the marriage as the background of the OW/OM contributed to the result of an affair.

 

If you want to look at anyone's background, then look at the background of the WS and see if there are contributing factors that caused this person to choose an affair while in a bad marriage versus the person who chose fidelity while in a bad marriage.

[JamesM]

I didn't interpret James' post like that. I suspect that he meant that not only the BSs but also the WSs in a bad marriage most likely come from broken homes, etc. If anything, he was blaming the dysfunctionality of the bad marriage. Just look at his other post where he was talking about "a marriage takes two people".

 

Thank you. See my last post for a longer explanation.

[lizzibeth]

Wow! This kind of blew up.

 

I can't even quote all the things I want to cuz there are so many.

 

Jennie-Jennie, you said something to the effect that BSs flaunt their great sex and other things thru their posting but that an OW only is stating the facts. I think if they're having hysterical bonding, the BS is only stating facts too. There are two sides of facts. The OW and the BS only know the facts as the MM creates/tells them.

 

I'm really not on either bandwagon here and maintain that it sucks to be an OW or a BS or the MM. It would be great if every relationship was a fairytale but this is the reality that many are faced with.

 

I still think that when an OW posts here she's usually looking for support and advice. While that advice may not be what she WANTS to hear, however constructive critism is the only way people can grow imo. However, I think that StarBright hit the nail on the head that some of the posters here are simply driving their own agenda.

 

P.S. - I think that a BS can provide valuable insight to an OW as can a MM. I don't think having a forum where only OW can commiserate would be very valuable to anyone.

[jennie-jennie]

I get the impression that YOU are aiding your married man? Is that right? *asked in a very nice tone lol* So is it you you are talking about that Needs to be the knight?

 

Huh? You are not talking sex now, are you? Because I aid him in that context.

[donnamaybe]

Actually, I think gg may have been referring to the looking up and application of various and sundry "isms" to explain away the behavior of a cheater.

[jennie-jennie]

If you want to look at anyone's background, then look at the background of the WS and see if there are contributing factors that caused this person to choose an affair while in a bad marriage versus the person who chose fidelity while in a bad marriage.

 

This is what I continually do, which is being called out as "enabling" my MM. Having been a member of a Twelve Step program for many years, I am used to looking at the background and trying to understand the dynamics of what is going on, instead of delegating blame.

[jennie-jennie]

This is what I continually do, which is being called out as "enabling" my MM. Having been a member of a Twelve Step program for many years, I am used to looking at the background and trying to understand the dynamics of what is going on, instead of delegating blame.

 

Actually, I think gg may have been referring to the looking up and application of various and sundry "isms" to explain away the behavior of a cheater.

 

Thank you for giving an example of what I was referring to.

[greengoddess]

Huh? You are not talking sex now, are you? Because I aid him in that context.

 

and there is that example of flaunting.

 

I was actually asking a serious question. You tried to differentiate between being a knight in shing armor and NEEDING to be a knight in shining armor and the need based one being dysfunctional. Can you explain that more?

[jennie-jennie]

Wow! This kind of blew up.

 

I can't even quote all the things I want to cuz there are so many.

 

Jennie-Jennie, you said something to the effect that BSs flaunt their great sex and other things thru their posting but that an OW only is stating the facts. I think if they're having hysterical bonding, the BS is only stating facts too. There are two sides of facts. The OW and the BS only know the facts as the MM creates/tells them.

 

I'm really not on either bandwagon here and maintain that it sucks to be an OW or a BS or the MM. It would be great if every relationship was a fairytale but this is the reality that many are faced with.

 

I still think that when an OW posts here she's usually looking for support and advice. While that advice may not be what she WANTS to hear, however constructive critism is the only way people can grow imo. However, I think that StarBright hit the nail on the head that some of the posters here are simply driving their own agenda.

 

P.S. - I think that a BS can provide valuable insight to an OW as can a MM. I don't think having a forum where only OW can commiserate would be very valuable to anyone.

 

I agree with your entire post. But there is a difference between stating the fact that you are having hysterical bonding and rubbing it in the face of OW which was the case in the two threads I referred to.

[donnamaybe]

I agree with your entire post. But there is a difference between stating the fact that you are having hysterical bonding and rubbing it in the face of OW which was the case in the two threads I referred to.

Spark's OW is on LS?!

[jennie-jennie]

and there is that example of flaunting.

 

I understood you would take it as such. To me it was humor. And the truth.

I was actually asking a serious question. You tried to differentiate between being a knight in shing armor and NEEDING to be a knight in shining armor and the need based one being dysfunctional. Can you explain that more?

 

I haven't dug too deeply into this issue, since I have never met a man who needed to be a knight in shining armor, but I do know when reading about dysfunctional families that I recognized this pattern as being one of the patterns present.

 

All dysfunctional patterns fill a function. They are ways to survive in a dysfunctional family. That is what I referred to when talking about needing to be a KISA.

[donnamaybe]

I understood you would take it as such. To me it was humor. And the truth.

And Spark's thread was also her truth AND to serve as hope for other BS's that they can recover their R AND have it be even better than before.

 

A positive thread. And it's being made out to have some kind of ugly purpose.

[jennie-jennie]

And Spark's thread was also her truth AND to serve as hope for other BS's that they can recover their R AND have it be even better than before.

 

A positive thread. And it's being made out to have some kind of ugly purpose.

 

And if I start a thread called "Affair sex..the best sex ever!!!", that is fine too then? It would serve as support to OW that they can improve their R and have it be even better than ever before. And it would be my truth.

[Star_Bright]

Why is it that as you learn more about the other woman they all seem to have one issue in common? PROBLEMS baggage foo issues. As you learn more you learn these women were drug abusers, abused wives, married to alcoholics, come from broken homes, abused as children etc etc etc. I wonder if there are ANY ow on here that have lived nice normal happy childhoods and happy lives. Honestly I can't think of one. It's really sad and really makes you wonder if allowing yourself to become an ow comes from self esteem problems. It also makes you wonder if most married men are looking for the broken woman to have as an ow. They can be the knight in shining armor.

 

To me this is pretty offensive and exactly what we've been saying should NOT take place on the OW forum.

 

Does anyone have a totally happy little-bubble childhood and life? NO.

 

I had a happy childhood. I had two parents who wanted, loved and cared for me and my siblings. If anything there were too strict, religious and over-protective, but I was definitely happy. In high school I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, nothing. I was very involved in youth group and field band for goodness' sake. So there... you are wrong and I would appreciate not being stereotyped. Yeah, I was an OW, it was the wrong thing to do and I'm not proud of it but I loved my MM and I followed my heart. So be it.

 

Greengoddess I really wish you would not come to the OW forum just to make fun of OWs/ former OWs and say all of us are messed up. Guess what, we are human beings and all of us have had our issues. I bet even you.

[Owl]

I understood you would take it as such. To me it was humor. And the truth.

 

Again, exactly what I've been referring to.

 

The tactic of deliberately veiling insults in the guise of humor. Knowingly, intentionally posting baited comments with the intent to anger/hurt/draw out a nasty response from others.

 

Intentinoally insulting someone and then trying to "take it back" by calling it humor or claiming that they mis-interpreted your intent doesn't negate the insult...or the apparent intent.

 

I'm not the only one seeing this.

[donnamaybe]

And if I start a thread called "Affair sex..the best sex ever!!!" as support to OW that they can improve their R and have it be even better than ever before? That must be alright too then. Because that is the truth.

Go right ahead. It would be YOUR truth, but I would assume most would know why A sex might be perceived as "the best ever." It's all about the espionage and the forbidden aspect involved.

 

AND, if I'm not mistaken, Spark placed her thread in the "infidelity" section or perhaps "marriage and life partnerships."

[donnamaybe]

Again, exactly what I've been referring to.

 

The tactic of deliberately veiling insults in the guise of humor. Knowingly, intentionally posting baited comments with the intent to anger/hurt/draw out a nasty response from others.

 

Intentinoally insulting someone and then trying to "take it back" by calling it humor or claiming that they mis-interpreted your intent doesn't negate the insult...or the apparent intent.

 

I'm not the only one seeing this.

Perfectly stated, Owl.

[donnamaybe]

To me this is pretty offensive and exactly what we've been saying should NOT take place on the OW forum.

GG is NOT the one who constantly states that a MM who cheats is BECAUSE of past horrible circumstances in the home as a child. Why is it then so awful to wonder if the same couldn't possibly be true for someone who accepts their behaviors for years on end? The same could be said for a BS who KNOWS her H cheats and yet allows him to stay in the home. Unless, of course, she only married him for $$ in the first place.

[jennie-jennie]

Go right ahead. It would be YOUR truth, but I would assume most would know why A sex might be perceived as "the best ever." It's all about the espionage and the forbidden aspect involved.

 

AND, if I'm not mistaken, Spark placed her thread in the "infidelity" section or perhaps "marriage and life partnerships."

 

We are in a forum where all three participants in the love triangle participate, so I think some respect should be shown which would lead you to not flaunt your relationship like that.

 

And you are wrong about why the sex in many affair relationships is the best sex ever. But I don't expect you to understand that.

[herenow]

The BSs come here to berate and criticize OWs and OMs as a way to vent about their own situation, but if a OW or OM (if they dare) posts in the Infidelity forum, then they would be "torn apart." Read some of the vents against "cheatin' scumbags." One poster admitted that he would forgive a murderer before he would forgive a cheater.

 

I do not believe that all BSs who come here act that way (ie Owl is a good example of good posts here), but for the most part it is true. And the newbie is blown away by the anger directed at him or her. He or she assumes that advice will be given from others who have walked or are walking the same path. He or she did not come here to be judged. There are definitely other places for that.

 

Isn't the purpose of this forum simply so that OWs and OMs can seek help from others with a very similar perspective? While I can appreciate that some OWs and OMs do benefit from a differing viewpoint, do they need to hear over and over that they are "cheating scumbags" or similar language?

 

I certainly understand why some would feel that way. I am neither a BS or an OM, but I can feel for them. Most know that the affair they are in hurts the BS. Most know that the affair they are in is far from being the best situation. But many are in the affair out of love and many didn't realize that they were with a MM until after they had fallen in love. And yet others believe that they are the best thing for their MM and MW.

 

Most also believe (right or wrong) that this affair will turn into a long term relationship.

 

The point is...everyone coming here should be treated respectfully. And TBH it would be best that only those with the same perspective or those who can post from that perspective should post here.

 

If I were an OW or OM, then I doubt that I would keep posting here.

 

Can you imagine if the OWs and OMS went to the Infidelity forum and pointed out the many reasons why those people have been betrayed? Do you believe that they could handle such criticism without getting angry? Personally I doubt it. My guess is that they would be crying "Infraction!" over and over to the mods.

 

BSs (for the most part) seem to believe that they are only the victim in an affair and believe that their WS is the only one at fault. For some reason they believe that a marriage takes two people, but when it falls apart, then it is only the fault of one person.

 

So...let those who post here, be treated respectfully.

 

This is the type of post I find disturbing. I would much rather hear the truth, good or bad, than some totally fabricated statements. Let's clarify here based on fact shall we:

 

MOST BS's do not come here to berate and criticize OWs. There are more BS's that post like Owl than the ones you speak about. Those FEW who do go against the guidelines are quickly told to behave by the mods and given infractions.

 

SOME (not many) OW's do indeed go to the infidelity forum and do just as you say, they are also given infractions by the mods.

 

Where did you get the fact that many don't know they were with a MM until they were in love? Please share because I think I have only seen that a couple of times.

 

And, the fact is, for the most part BS's, who have successfully either moved on or reconciled, have accepted that the marriage wasn't working. MANY admit that the affair was a sign of other issues. However, no BS should be blamed for the choice that their spouse made to cheat.

 

When you use words like most and many with the statements you are making, I can only assume either you are reading a different forum that I am, or you just see what you want to see. Which is fine, but the facts are still the facts.

 

Now if you really feel this is how is should be, why do you post here (since you are neither a BS or and OM)?

 

"And TBH it would be best that only those with the same perspective or those who can post from that perspective should post here."

[JamesM]

To me this is pretty offensive and exactly what we've been saying should NOT take place on the OW forum.

 

I agree.

 

I had a happy childhood. I had two parents who wanted, loved and cared for me and my siblings. If anything they were too strict, religious and over-protective, but I was definitely happy. In high school I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, nothing. I was very involved in youth group and field band for goodness' sake. So there... you are wrong and I would appreciate not being stereotyped.

 

Ahh, but THAT is why you were an OW. You were rebelling.

 

And you thought it had to do with love?

[donnamaybe]

But I don't expect you to understand that.

Dismissive, just like Owl pointed out.

[carhill]

if I'm not mistaken, Spark placed her thread in the "infidelity" section or perhaps "marriage and life partnerships."

Spark's thread on 'reconciliation sex-the best ever' was posted in the infidelity forum.

 

OP, wrt content, IMO, if you take LS as a totality and not being compartmentalized, and accept that there will be a crossover of opinion, perspective and postings over its entirety, it will likely make the reality of LS easier to deal with. The only opinion, posting style and ettiquette you can control is your own. As you read and post more, you'll find that some of the concerns your experiences in the OW/OM forum bring to light permeate the entirely of the community here. Up to you how you respond to that. Good luck and I hope you find your stay valuable.

[Star_Bright]

GG is NOT the one who constantly states that a MM who cheats is BECAUSE of past horrible circumstances in the home as a child. Why is it then so awful to wonder if the same couldn't possibly be true for someone who accepts their behaviors for years on end? The same could be said for a BS who KNOWS her H cheats and yet allows him to stay in the home. Unless, of course, she only married him for $$ in the first place.

 

You pretty much lost me Donnamaybe... I'm not sure what you are talking about. Not trying to be mean or snarky, I'm just confused as to what your post had to do with mine. I was just saying that I found Greengoddess' post about "All OWs are from broken unloving homes and have drug issues etc. etc. etc." (not an exact quote of course) very judgmental as it is stereotyping and trying to lump a whole bunch of people into one category. I find some of Greengoddess' advice to be very sound and helpful but other times she makes purposeful digs like this at OW to the point where I would rather her just stay out of this forum if it were up to me (which of course it isn't) because her purpose seems to be just to come here, to an OW "support" forum, and KNOCK OWs. That is different than providing advice in the form of "your life will be happier if you get MM out of it" etc. Those kind of digs are instead purposefully making fun of OWs and just wanting to make us feel bad... what is the point of that? Why should someone feel entitled to come here and constantly do that, and what is wrong with THEM that that is how they get their rocks off???? I just wish people could speak with kindness instead of ridicule, even if they are giving tough love/ not-always-welcome advise.