Forum Ettiquette?

[lizzibeth]

I’m fairly new here and I’m currently in a LDR with a man a world away. I’ve been married, the OW, the BS and the WS for that matter in my time.

 

I’ve been poking around the forum and reading some of the posting. I’ve even posted on a few of the threads. The OW forum specifically has me confused. Why does it seem to be BS vs. OW in that particular forum? I can see a BS wanting to provide insight to the OW. I can see another OW trying to provide support to the OW. But from what I’ve seen there is a whole lot of judging from both the OW and the BS of LS. It’s almost like it’s a place for some OW to gloat about stealing other women’s husbands and a place for BS to go and lash out all their anger at an OW, who isn’t even their OW.

 

I’m genuinely not trying to provoke controversy. I just don’t know what the expectation is and I don’t want to say something and stick my foot in my mouth.

 

Are there guidelines for that forum that I’m totally missing? Some of the posting I’ve seen is really just kinda gross, on both sides (OW and BS both) and not like they’re really helping anyone at all.

[Star_Bright]

I guess I haven't really seen what you have seen, or interpreted it that way. I've been on the OW forum for awhile and I haven't felt judged by anyone. (I guess there are some posts on my thread and other OW's threads that had the intent of being judgmental or could have been taken that way but I just ignore those--if they're mean spirited then they're not really meant to help, just attack). In general I've found the OW forum to be very supportive and helpful. I like that I can get advice from people with all different kinds of viewpoints- OW, BS, WS, none of the aboves, all of the aboves. I wouldn't like it if they segregated us into our own groups!

 

I think that some people bicker with each other and try to push their own agendas. That's just life, I guess-- we all give advice based on our own experiences and opinions. So yeah there are hurt BS's saying that being an OW is always wrong and I think some do it to release their own anger and hurt instead of really trying to understand the OW's particular situation and why she is an OW right now, etc. IMO this isn't great but it is still helpful, or at least it was to me, because it forced me to see the BS point of view and realize how much hurt I was helping to cause. Then there are OWs who were hurt by being OWs and who say no one should ever be an OW; I guess that's where I am now, having very recently decided to get out and wondering wtf I was thinking to get in in the first place and WHY anyone would want to put themselves through this experience. And there are OWs who are happy being OWs or want to be happy being OWs and so they seem to ALWAYS encourage OWs to stay OWs even when those OWs are clearly unhappy or not seeing the truth etc. These helped me too because I realized that I was NOT ok being an OW, I was settling for less than I wanted and I needed to admit that.

 

For the most part no matter what the person's experience or agenda, I really do think MOST people who post in the LS forum or at least on my threads are actually trying to help and be supportive. I know there are some OWs who constantly gloat about taking another woman's husband and some BSs who constantly judge and throw stones and pick fights, and I tend to ignore these posters because I think they are too deep in their own issues to be able to provide help to me or anyone else (and they often don't even seem like they want to which makes me wonder why they are here). But sometimes there are gems of truth even in their posts! So I read everything ha ha and overall I'm glad I found LS.

[Silly_Girl]

For entertainment value (for want of a better phrase!) I enjoy the pure discussion threads best. I really like the different views, and how people's experiences support those views, or not.

 

Sometimes the advice/support threads can get very detailed, or skewed toward a specific issue and then they often aren't all that valuable, in my view, to the OP.

 

Yes, some posters give off an anti-XX [insert label here] vibe, but it's a 360-degree thing. You get it all ways, from all 'camps'.

 

I do think it's too easy to judge posts as anti-BS/OW etc, when often it's the behaviour that's being criticised, or an outlook, not the individual (or their status) per se. My official label is OW, but I might disagree with someone (anyone) on, for example, an issue surrounding children or friends or family, on which my status has absolutely no bearing, and nor does the status of the other LS member.

[lizzibeth]

I guess I haven't really seen what you have seen, or interpreted it that way. I've been on the OW forum for awhile and I haven't felt judged by anyone. (I guess there are some posts on my thread and other OW's threads that had the intent of being judgmental or could have been taken that way but I just ignore those--if they're mean spirited then they're not really meant to help, just attack). In general I've found the OW forum to be very supportive and helpful. I like that I can get advice from people with all different kinds of viewpoints- OW, BS, WS, none of the aboves, all of the aboves. I wouldn't like it if they segregated us into our own groups!

 

I think that some people bicker with each other and try to push their own agendas. That's just life, I guess-- we all give advice based on our own experiences and opinions. So yeah there are hurt BS's saying that being an OW is always wrong and I think some do it to release their own anger and hurt instead of really trying to understand the OW's particular situation and why she is an OW right now, etc. IMO this isn't great but it is still helpful, or at least it was to me, because it forced me to see the BS point of view and realize how much hurt I was helping to cause. Then there are OWs who were hurt by being OWs and who say no one should ever be an OW; I guess that's where I am now, having very recently decided to get out and wondering wtf I was thinking to get in in the first place and WHY anyone would want to put themselves through this experience. And there are OWs who are happy being OWs or want to be happy being OWs and so they seem to ALWAYS encourage OWs to stay OWs even when those OWs are clearly unhappy or not seeing the truth etc. These helped me too because I realized that I was NOT ok being an OW, I was settling for less than I wanted and I needed to admit that.

 

For the most part no matter what the person's experience or agenda, I really do think MOST people who post in the LS forum or at least on my threads are actually trying to help and be supportive. I know there are some OWs who constantly gloat about taking another woman's husband and some BSs who constantly judge and throw stones and pick fights, and I tend to ignore these posters because I think they are too deep in their own issues to be able to provide help to me or anyone else (and they often don't even seem like they want to which makes me wonder why they are here). But sometimes there are gems of truth even in their posts! So I read everything ha ha and overall I'm glad I found LS.

 

I didn't mean to imply that there aren't some genuine posters who really are trying to help, regardless of their own personal situation.

 

I just was wondering if there were real guidelines such as BS not bashing on OW in this forum or OW gloating about stealing other's husbands. I don't think that this is the place anyone is looking to get judged or torn a new ******* or gloated to....Maybe I'm just being sensitive. It just seems like there is a lot more of that than actually helping posters.

[desertIslandCactus]

Of the months I have read and posted on LS, I have not been able to know all the posters by their past and current relationships - except when they start threads ..

 

I'm surprised a new member could identify them as such. .. the BS and OW, etc.

[woinlove]

I also don't see the OW forum dominated by bickering. Sure, there is some. But that is not surprising, given the strong emotions of people dealing with infidelity. It would be surprising if there were absolutely no bickering or putdowns. But, I certainly don't see the bickering as dominating.

 

If anything dominates the OW forum, it seems to me it is the settling, the unhappiness, longing for more and wondering if more will ever happen.

 

Also, people writing honestly about their perspective may give new insights to others even when they don't intend to. The strength of the OW forum is its open mix.

[Sexiness]

Hey guys I know exactly what u are talking about... I am new to this site and I expected it to be a place where OW can speak freely and get support from each other for each other.... I realize as soon as I posted my issues I was not greeted with genuine support but I was told why I should leave my MM and what I was doing to their marriage... I know first hand what I am doing is wrong and all I wanted was support to either leave him or support him throughhis seperation.....I believe if BS's don't have anything good to say, they should stay in their own forum.... Because although I am the OW (hate that term) I am a good person , I have never done this before and I have never told anybody about this... For me to muster up the courage and actually talk about this is already hard for me and I shouldn't get rediculed for speaking freely because I do not brag about my situation....

[jennie-jennie]

I didn't mean to imply that there aren't some genuine posters who really are trying to help, regardless of their own personal situation.

 

I just was wondering if there were real guidelines such as BS not bashing on OW in this forum or OW gloating about stealing other's husbands. I don't think that this is the place anyone is looking to get judged or torn a new ******* or gloated to....Maybe I'm just being sensitive. It just seems like there is a lot more of that than actually helping posters.

 

Hmm, I have been reading this site for more than a year and I can't recall any OW gloating about stealing other's husbands. Certainly not recently.

 

Here is the link to the Community Guidelines:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/guidelines/

 

Civility and respect

 

We expect that all community participants interact in a manner conducive to free-flowing, collaborative participation from all visitors, fostering an environment free of harassment, character attacks, and other forms of individual and group berating. We realize that all members may not share the same definitions on issues surrounding personal morality, appropriate behavior, and other sensitive topics of discussion that often appear on the site; we encourage all to voice their own opinions while refraining from criticizing other participants for the perspective they hold. Each person that posts on the forum is to be treated with the utmost respect and civility regardless of how absurd or ridiculous the opinion expressed might seem to you from your perspective.

 

Personal attacks against other participants will not be tolerated under any circumstances. We define personal attacks as posted comments which are intended to provoke, demean, or ridicule another participant. It is inevitable that members will sometimes disagree in their responses to any given problem, and LoveShack.org encourages healthy debate comprised of constructive questions and criticisms, so long as they pertain to the post and thread at hand. Personal dislike of another member has no place in any post, on any thread.

 

We expect that all participants will respond to posts in their specific context, not to the person who has posted. While opinions may be formed of various members based on what they have posted in the past, any response to any particular submission should be grounded in what has been posted in that thread. Past disagreements should not be resurrected in new threads. It is important that criticism be directed at what is stated in a post ("I don't like your idea") rather than at the individual making the statement ("I don't like you").

 

Submissions containing threats to leave the community or other forms of "emotional extortion" intended to incite a reaction from fellow participants are viewed as inconsiderate and disrespectful to the community as a whole and will result in immediate loss of access to the site.

[desertIslandCactus]

Hey guys I know exactly what u are talking about... I am new to this site and I expected it to be a place where OW can speak freely and get support from each other for each other.... I realize as soon as I posted my issues I was not greeted with genuine support but I was told why I should leave my MM and what I was doing to their marriage... I know first hand what I am doing is wrong and all I wanted was support to either leave him or support him throughhis seperation.....I believe if BS's don't have anything good to say, they should stay in their own forum.... Because although I am the OW (hate that term) I am a good person , I have never done this before and I have never told anybody about this... For me to muster up the courage and actually talk about this is already hard for me and I shouldn't get rediculed for speaking freely because I do not brag about my situation....

 

I think a former OW may warn and caution OW as well as BS. You shouldn't r/o good sense, it could be the right answer.

[woinlove]

I didn't mean to imply that there aren't some genuine posters who really are trying to help, regardless of their own personal situation.

 

I just was wondering if there were real guidelines such as BS not bashing on OW in this forum or OW gloating about stealing other's husbands. I don't think that this is the place anyone is looking to get judged or torn a new ******* or gloated to....Maybe I'm just being sensitive. It just seems like there is a lot more of that than actually helping posters.

 

Gloating should not be banned (and isn't). What you see as gloating, another may see as insecurity and it may hold a lesson for them. Bashing? What have you seen that you would say is bashing? I haven't seen any posts that I would call bashing other posters and wonder what you have in mind. Would you say harsh criticism of actions associated with infidelity is bashing OW?

 

If you keep in mind that many would argue that the best way to support an OW or OM is to convince them to stop being an OW or OM, more of the posts might be seen as supportive.

[lizzibeth]

Thank you for the clarity

 

It was not my intent to put anyone on the defensive, I was only pointing out things I have seen from my own perspective. I know that some of posts I've seen certainly appear to be exactly as starbright said best "pushing their own agenda".

 

its not my job to be anyone's moral compass nor is it to poke the bear.

 

Thanks again for setting the record straight for the newbie

[woinlove]

Hey guys I know exactly what u are talking about... I am new to this site and I expected it to be a place where OW can speak freely and get support from each other for each other.... I realize as soon as I posted my issues I was not greeted with genuine support but I was told why I should leave my MM and what I was doing to their marriage... I know first hand what I am doing is wrong and all I wanted was support to either leave him or support him throughhis seperation.....I believe if BS's don't have anything good to say, they should stay in their own forum.... Because although I am the OW (hate that term) I am a good person , I have never done this before and I have never told anybody about this... For me to muster up the courage and actually talk about this is already hard for me and I shouldn't get rediculed for speaking freely because I do not brag about my situation....

 

I think some forums do exist elsewhere that are restricted to OW discussing with OW. That sounds like what you are interested in. LS forums are open to anyone, independent of who they have had or are having sex with! Personally, this is what I find most useful about LS. I learn more from people who have a different perspective from me than I do from those who are likely to always agree with me.

[Star_Bright]

I didn't mean to imply that there aren't some genuine posters who really are trying to help, regardless of their own personal situation.

 

I just was wondering if there were real guidelines such as BS not bashing on OW in this forum or OW gloating about stealing other's husbands. I don't think that this is the place anyone is looking to get judged or torn a new ******* or gloated to....Maybe I'm just being sensitive. It just seems like there is a lot more of that than actually helping posters.

 

 

Oh, ok, sorry if I misunderstood your question. Jennie posted the guidelines. It seems to me that most anything goes until a bunch of people start bickering or getting off topic, and then Tony gives infractions and warns people to stay on track and sometimes shuts down the thread. I think there have also been posts deleted but I'm not sure if it was due to guidelines being violated or people asking to have their own posts deleted, or what.

 

I am totally against censorship and IMO anything should go except that if it is clearly the purpose of someone to come here and just bash OWs as a sport or game then that is not in the spirit of support and that person should be nicely asked to leave or to be nicer in their comments. If I was in charge of LS that would be the only rule - I am against reporting threads and censoring threads etc. - but for better or worse I don't rule it ha ha ha.

[Star_Bright]

Hey guys I know exactly what u are talking about... I am new to this site and I expected it to be a place where OW can speak freely and get support from each other for each other.... I realize as soon as I posted my issues I was not greeted with genuine support but I was told why I should leave my MM and what I was doing to their marriage... I know first hand what I am doing is wrong and all I wanted was support to either leave him or support him throughhis seperation.....I believe if BS's don't have anything good to say, they should stay in their own forum.... Because although I am the OW (hate that term) I am a good person , I have never done this before and I have never told anybody about this... For me to muster up the courage and actually talk about this is already hard for me and I shouldn't get rediculed for speaking freely because I do not brag about my situation....

 

Hmm I read your post earlier and didn't notice much harsh judgment or ridicule in the responses. I thought you were asking what to expect/ be preared for and some people realistically told you to be prepared to be thrown under the bus... this is just what MMs usually do... even Jennie-Jennie admits that and says OW should expect it. So I am sorry you haven't gotten the support you were looking for but I'm not sure what it is you want?

 

If you know what you are doing is wrong then why are you doing it? I was in the same boat and LS helped me examine what I was doing. It was helpful for me and I'm just trying to figure out how it is being termed as ridicule.

 

I wish you the best in your sitch and I hope it all works out. And sorry if this is a t/j but I am just trying to figure out what you mean... you think BS shouldn't be allowed to come to your thread b/c they think what you are doing is wrong? What about OWs or say, maybe this isn't the best situation for you to be in right now? Should they be not allowed either? To me the lines get murky and I say come one come all! Again, good luck and I wish you the best.

[Circular]

Well, if you're a MM definitely wear your armor (just not the shining set as that will get you killed).

 

There is some bickering that happens here but after awhile you adjust to it and realize that some people have been burned pretty badly and they need an outlet. I'm someone that sees life in grays not black/white so I'm usually understanding of mostly (ok, there are a few) everyone's plight. You learn to ignore a couple of people who never actually say anything constructive or give any advice they only want to poke people in the eye. It can be tough for new people though that's for sure.

 

The bigger issue is people go wayyyyyyy off topic here all the time. I've come to the conclusion that if it has more than '3' pages it's probably not talking about anything that has to do with the subject matter.

[Sexiness]

I think some forums do exist elsewhere that are restricted to OW discussing with OW. That sounds like what you are interested in. LS forums are open to anyone, independent of who they have had or are having sex with! Personally, this is what I find most useful about LS. I learn more from people who have a different perspective from me than I do from those who are likely to always agree with me.

 

Although I was expecting more support from a ppl in my own situation ,I have somewhat come around to learn to accept others opinions and the whole picture involved.... I may try a different site just for the OW... But I still like the input of others from a different perspective as long as they don't put me down to do it...

[Star_Bright]

Thank you for the clarity

 

It was not my intent to put anyone on the defensive, I was only pointing out things I have seen from my own perspective. I know that some of posts I've seen certainly appear to be exactly as starbright said best "pushing their own agenda".

 

its not my job to be anyone's moral compass nor is it to poke the bear.

 

Thanks again for setting the record straight for the newbie

 

Yes people do push their own agendas, I definitely agree with you on that one!

 

I was thinking today, wouldn't it be strange if we were all as honest in real life as we are in LS? Like if I told everyone IRL that I was involved in an A with MM and asked everyone for help... MOST would say, you are crazy, get out of that situation! And even those looking to provide "support" in terms of wanting to understand and be nice would still probably say something along the lines of "are you sure this is right for you?" Yet some people on LS expect it to be different, like just because it's an Internet forum for OW everyone is supposed to say, "just keep going the way you are going... everything will turn out all right."

 

I could see there being a forum ONLY for happy OW that no one else is allowed to post in. But I think *most* OWs arrive at LS because they are unhappy with the status quo and looking to change it, which most of the time is not possible unless they are ready to risk losing MM for good. At first we don't like that option but then when we really look at reality we think, do you want to stay in this A that makes us unhappy or do we want to say, her or me and really mean it, or are we unhappy enough that we want to just get out all together? So for me even if there were a happy-OW-only forum, I would have come to this one because I was looking for a variety of realistic advice and I was in a place where I was ready to hear all viewpoints. I guess I was ready to end my situation or I never would have come here and asked for advice. But some OWs are not in that situation and it's hard to use kid gloves when really the only objective advice is, if you are unhappy with the ways things are, you should get out. Don't expect any miracles, don't expect MM to suddenly want a real relationship when all he has wanted so far is an affair. It can happen and does happen but usually it doesn't and that is just real life.

 

Just my take on it.

[jennie-jennie]

Thank you for the clarity

 

It was not my intent to put anyone on the defensive, I was only pointing out things I have seen from my own perspective. I know that some of posts I've seen certainly appear to be exactly as starbright said best "pushing their own agenda".

 

its not my job to be anyone's moral compass nor is it to poke the bear.

 

Thanks again for setting the record straight for the newbie

 

Perhaps your perspective makes you think former OW who are now happy wives are gloating about their relationship then?

 

Or present OW who are finding the benefits outweigh the consequences?

 

These are the only OW posting recently I can think of to try to understand your OP.

[Star_Bright]

Although I was expecting more support from a ppl in my own situation ,I have somewhat come around to learn to accept others opinions and the whole picture involved.... I may try a different site just for the OW... But I still like the input of others from a different perspective as long as they don't put me down to do it...

 

This is a good way to think of it. I like your attitude.

 

I will say that I've visited (browsed, not registered or posted on) the just-for-OW site and to me it was depressing because the ones who were staying with MM and happy or trying to be happy with it as an affair were always posting things like "Yay he is going to be able to stay with me overnight, in two weeks" and then "aww man, he said we could get together tonight but then he had to cancel..." I started to think, wow, their whole lives revolve around whether or not they get to see their MM, and then I was like, oops, I think that's how I sound, in my head, and act, by scheduling my time around accomodating him and being happy when we can be together and feeling down when he goes back home etc. So it woke me up to the fact that I was unhappy and then I came here to find out how to change it. At first I just browsed and then when I was ready to face the heat I registered and posted.

 

Now, I know the conventional wisdom on how to be a happy OW is live your own life, be happy with what you have with MM and don't try to ask for more. I was crappy at taking that advice because to me it felt like settling. I mean, to me the point of being with someone is to have what you want out of the relationship, and what I want is full access anytime and not having to sneak around and be part of deception etc. So I guess I could have never been a happy OW.

 

Also, sexiness, FWIW my guy did leave home, so they do, it is possible, but in my case he really changed, or, showed me his true colors, after he left home, and I no longer wanted to be with him! It has been my experience and from reading on LS and other OW sites that all aspects of being an OW, even an OW to a separated MM or even divorced former-MM are hard, and I started to realize that love isn't supposed to be this hard. To me it is just an unhealthy situation and so when I say that I don't mean to be non-supportive, I mean to be supportive, and I am still in the process of disentangling myself so sometimes my emotions are all over the board. You have to do what is best for you and take the advice you like and not take the advice you don't like. Again, good luck.

[Sexiness]

Hmm I read your post earlier and didn't notice much harsh judgment or ridicule in the responses. I thought you were asking what to expect/ be preared for and some people realistically told you to be prepared to be thrown under the bus... this is just what MMs usually do... even Jennie-Jennie admits that and says OW should expect it. So I am sorry you haven't gotten the support you were looking for but I'm not sure what it is you want?

 

If you know what you are doing is wrong then why are you doing it? I was in the same boat and LS helped me examine what I was doing. It was helpful for me and I'm just trying to figure out how it is being termed as ridicule.

 

I wish you the best in your sitch and I hope it all works out. And sorry if this is a t/j but I am just trying to figure out what you mean... you think BS shouldn't be allowed to come to your thread b/c they think what you are doing is wrong? What about OWs or say, maybe this isn't the best situation for you to be in right now? Should they be not allowed either? To me the lines get murky and I say come one come all! Again, good luck and I wish you the best.

 

thank u for ur best wishes....

What I am saying is that what I expected is not what I was greeted with but now that I get used to this site, I have learned to appreciate all the comments and not be so sensitive to what others have to say..... Although I know my situation is wrong, it is a situation that some of us get caught up into and after a certain point it's hard to get out off....it's even harder to know up from down, in from out....and I am slowly learning how to deal with my situation....

[Star_Bright]

Perhaps your perspective makes you think former OW who are now happy wives are gloating about their relationship then?

 

Or present OW who are finding the benefits outweigh the consequences?

 

These are the only OW posting recently I can think of to try to understand your OP.

 

I thought she meant the posts about "Mine left his wife and now I have the ring"... I find those kind of posts gloating and insensitive because I don't think most of us OWs set out to or ever really evolve to the point of thinking in terms of taking someone a man from his wife and family, we just fell in love and a natural consequence of getting what we want is that MM must get divorced. But to continue to brag about it long after the fact shows me that some OWs do look at it as a competition which is stupid and which I believe perhaps sometimes rightfully brings on the comments of "find your own man that wasn't already married to someone else" and things along that line.

[Star_Bright]

thank u for ur best wishes....

What I am saying is that what I expected is not what I was greeted with but now that I get used to this site, I have learned to appreciate all the comments and not be so sensitive to what others have to say..... Although I know my situation is wrong, it is a situation that some of us get caught up into and after a certain point it's hard to get out off....it's even harder to know up from down, in from out....and I am slowly learning how to deal with my situation....

 

I understand... that makes total sense. I was and am the same way.

 

You will figure it out in your own time, and if you are comfortable with it then that is all that matters. I'm glad you're finding some help here. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. I am not trying to say no one should remain in an affair. I just want everyone to be happy, including myself.

[lizzibeth]

Perhaps your perspective makes you think former OW who are now happy wives are gloating about their relationship then?

 

Or present OW who are finding the benefits outweigh the consequences?

 

These are the only OW posting recently I can think of to try to understand your OP.

 

No, that's not what I think at all.

 

I don't know enough of who is who to know what their story is.

 

I think being the WS, BS or OW all suck. Everyone here is just trying to deal with their respective relationship.

 

Hope I've made myself more clear.

[Sexiness]

I guess I had so much on my mind and shoulders for a year and counting that I was just ready to talk and lay my burdens down... I probably should have browses for a while and see how things really worked .... But I'm glad I choose this site now and I don't want to be anymore depressed by the exclusive OW websites... So thanks for that heads-up.....

[lilbunny]

I think everyone comes here with their own set of baggage.

 

I was an OW until recently, I have been hurt very badly and I know my outlook has changed as a result (hell some of my own past posts make me cringe with hindsight).

 

It didn't work out for me and sometimes I see things in posts that I have heard/thought/been through. I don't assume everyone is going to have the same outcome, but I know myself that some of the posts that stung the most were from people who had been through it all and like me these days come with the benefit of hindsight. I only hope to help others out.

 

In an anonymous forum like this you can be sure of the odd hurtful (usually one line) remark. There are people who have been very badly hurt as a BS, I sometimes wonder if coming here and reading about other people involved in an A is healthy for them, but realistically is it such a bad thing to face up to the way the BS in our own situations might feel and indeed the reactions of other people should the A be discovered?