She Broke NC and Emailed Me - mixed emotions, but feel good about it being over

[teejsd2008]

My ex and I had a normal breakup about 2 weeks ago. We still care for each other, but it was a matter of distance, culture and having to go against her 30 year Korean upbringing and letting her traditional parents know about us in order to continue on with me (I'm Indian American - Indian with a dot). One thing that stung, but I learned to understand and accept is that she said she would feel uncomfortable dating me in public if I moved to Korea. I was really hurt and offended, but I could sympathize with her anxiety and it also helped confirm an absolute red flag if my gf feels ashamed of being with me. I also realized it's a really big ask on my part if I pushed her to do something shes not comfortable with and go against her culture. Plus, after much reflection I saw that I didn't get into this relationship for the right reasons and I was escaping a lot of other past issues that I'm glad I'm finally confronting and working through by being single again.

 

Anyway, we had 2-3 nice and heart felt dialogs a few days after the breakup. One was on MSN and one was on the phone where we talked as if the break up didn't happen and let each other know that it's for the best and that we still care for each other.

 

I went into NC for a week and it was driving me nuts. It's weird because I've gone through longer NC spells with other exs, but it's tough when you didn't do anything wrong to each other, and broke up because of external factors keeping you apart. I was going to crack on Saturday night and call her, but I called a friend instead. The next morning I got a short email from her. She was telling me how much she misses me, that shes crying and thinks about me a lot, but shes trying hard not to call me.

 

Reading that email was very comforting, but also very sad. I felt mixed emotions because it was nice to know shes thinking of me and I felt guilt for feeling good about her feeling sad over me. After I read that email, I felt really different. All of the sudden a lot of tension and anxiety went away and I felt like the week of NC helped create some distance. I feel like I don't want her back and can accept everything. I miss her and still fantasize about a world where everything just works, but I realize how unrealistic those fantasies are. The next day I wrote a response to her and it was longer than hers and I went into more detail about missing her. English is not her 1st language, so I can understand why her email was not lengthy. We usually communicated face-2-face where we read in between the lines and used a hybrid of English/Korean and were in tune with each other's vibes and body language.

 

It's weird when your going nuts over NC. It's like a pressure cooker and as soon as your ex contacts you. You feel a sense of relief and are like "ehh I think and trip way too much." I read some where it has to do with how our brains are wired. Love withdrawal involves the same withdrawals effects from drugs and other addictions like cigarettes. We start to crave a fix and go nuts with hysteria when we don't get it...

 

It's strange because after I felt that sense of relief and closure. I felt like I was forcing myself to write an email about how sad I was even though I was feeling better. It's as if I wanted to return the comfort that her email brought me, but I was forcing my mind to be sad. I hope I don't start slipping back into hope and bargaining for a relationship that my mind is already accepting as over and moving on from just because it's a behavior I've done in the past and feels like the thing I "should" be doing, even though moving on is the best thing. I don't know if that makes any sense or if anyone can relate...

Edited October 11, 2010 by teejsd2008
typo