tobydog Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I am tormented by this question. I have posted my situation and had some advice. I know he hated my drinking which was only 2x per week as he had a violent drunk father. I am not violent but we had a drunken fight after he came in at 2am. Then he left, has filed for divorce and moved the business out. People say there is someone else, I know there is not, just some new mates he met 2 months ago. prior to this he never went out or had any pals, just ran the bussiness and loved our 4 yr old son. It's like he has stepped out of one life into another so quick. And has only seen his son 2x. 3 days before this we went to buy a new sofa and decorate, he left us in a mess. He does not even look at his beloved dogs either. Won't talk to me and says he no longer loves me. I am a wreck but getting help. Why didn't I see this coming, all summer I wanted to play golf and be away from the chaos but I am sure he loved me 5 weeks ago. I cannot keep racking my brains as I am going literally insane going over every day and moment.x
hellhathnofury Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 When did it all go wrong? Right here. I know he hated my drinking which was only 2x per week as he had a violent drunk father. I am not violent but we had a drunken fight after he came in at 2am. His strong association of what you did, coupled with the obvious revulsion he has for his father, was too much for him to psychologically process. I don't think he 'stopped' loving you. I think he's shut off, and brought the shutters down. It's behaviour he refuses to either tolerate or accept. As far as he's concerned this is the deal-breaker. I think.
Author tobydog Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Thanks, We all think this is the reason he has gone so quickly. Now I have stopped my drinking, is there any way he may give me a chance to prove my love and commitment to this? or is it too late? he has filed for divorce and taken all the business stiff today so maybe not? But I still feels he loves me and we did have a strong bond and a dearly loved son we waited 8 years for. But he won't talk to me. Is it all my fault?
hellhathnofury Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 No. Poor communication, lack of Trust and loss of Respect are aspects that both sides have to work on. These are the three essential qualities which every relationship absolutely has to have, for it to flourish. it takes Effort and Commitment on both sides, equally, for this to be sustainable though. You cannot repair, or fix this on your own. I suggest you write him a letter, and ask him to please go to counselling with you.. Point out that Counselling is not necessarily a tool for keeping people together. It's a tool to enable you both to express your heartfelt emotions in order to level the playing field and understand one another better - even if it means still splitting up. Start by asking him to at least hear you out. see if that works. Otherwise, I'm afraid you might have shot your bolt. The "fault" may be yours (that's not for me to say) - but marriage is a two-person thing. It takes two to be responsible for it.
Author tobydog Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 I don't think at this time he will consider it. he is furious with me and not well I think. But I still care and want to explain......thanks
Author tobydog Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Is it too late for counselling? Why won't he consider it? For his son at least?
willowthewisp Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 When you say your drinking, what are we talking about here? Was this a couple of drinks of an evening to which your H has totally overreacted b/c of his childhood? Or are we talking getting bladdered? If the former, your H may not be thinking rationally and be able to see his part in all this. If the latter then you need to show your H with your actions, not words that you are prepared to alter your habits in order to work on your marriage if he is willing.
Author tobydog Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 My drinking was two times per week, nothing strong, just lager until I was tipsy. He always totally over reacted all the time,which made me worse. I just wanted to escape him and the controlling person he had become. Now he has gone and the post above about it being related to his drunken violent father seems spot on. But he has moved the business and filed for divorce so I can't see any way back. I have quit the drink as I have my 4 year old son now and I would never do anything to put him at risk.
Clep Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 My drinking was two times per week, nothing strong, just lager until I was tipsy. He always totally over reacted all the time,which made me worse. I just wanted to escape him and the controlling person he had become. Now he has gone and the post above about it being related to his drunken violent father seems spot on. But he has moved the business and filed for divorce so I can't see any way back. I have quit the drink as I have my 4 year old son now and I would never do anything to put him at risk. What you say here in bold strikes me. 1. You are stating his behavior made you worse. You are laying blame on him for your behaviors. 2. You wanted to escape the controlling person he had become. You used alcohol as a means of escape in a situation you didn't like. 3. You have to quit drinking as you feel it may put your child at risk. That speaks volumes. People that do not have issues with drinking do not think this way. I am very well versed with alcoholism and I think it would be a good idea to hit the next AA meeting and explore that. Sounds to me like you are in denial and he isn't.
Author tobydog Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 Thanks for the reply. I would not say I am an alcoholic, just a binge drinker. I have never drunk when there is just my son and I and have a prof job as a teacher and there has been no impact on any of that. We had a business that grew fast and he picked my boy up and that I also think is what contributed to this. Plus he never drank or had any friends, now after starting some part time work he has some new mates who he is out drinking with all the time. I know I have pushed away this summer and just wanted my space with the computer and had a drink. Nothing strong, only lager but he was saying at first after the split You don't know what you have done to me tho now won't talk. He has filed for divorce. I am going through the menopause and was irritable, but he didn't try to understand that, he is 12 years younger than me. I def don't think there is anyone else just these new mates. He has hardly seen his son either who we waited 8 years for. They had a wonderful bond, now he sees him once a week. Only 3 days before the split we went out to get decorating stuff and he was stripping the walls, we had plans to go to NYC for Christmas. So I did not see this coming. the drunken fight was the last straw tho I do say that I am not a violent type. He came in a 2am and I went mental, never done that before. When I say I have quit drink I mean it too. It has ruined my life enough.
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