Am i doing the right thing? Should i be hopeful for a second chance?

[Capthxc]

I'll try and keep this short. When me and my ex broke up i went the usual desperation route and begged for a second chance, but she did the right thing and said she couldnt give me anymore chances right now. She said she didnt really feel the same about me and she just wasnt happy with the relationship right now. She told me that i needed to change myself before i worked on the relationship. She said she wanted to value our connection and stay friends but at the time i said it wasnt what i wanted, but i tried to take it back the next day. No answer from her. We broke up because i was being over protective. We ended up being long distance and i had a hard time dealing with the people she was going out with, and she told me she started to feel guilty whenever she went out because id send her texts asking the same questions over and over again. It's not that i didnt trust her, but she has a flirty personality and i always thought people would take it the wrong way.

 

Well we havent been in contact really since the break up. I sent her an e-mail a week after we broke up that pretty much said i accept the situation more then i did before and i just want her to be happy. It was long and drawn out, lots of emotions behind it which i now realize was a bad idea. It's been 4 weeks, and i've been hanging out with some old friends. Well a friend of mine thought he could help my situation a little, and tried to add her on facebook without my knowledge. Thought maybe he could talk to her for me. The other night she texted me with this

 

Her - =\ im not trying to sound rude, but i would really appreciate it if your friends dont try to add me on facebook. Just letting you know so you can get the word out to whomever sent me a message.

 

Well my phone died so i wasnt able to respond for a few hours. When i got back home this is how our short little conversation went.

 

Me - Hey i just wanted to clear up earlier since my phone died on me and im not sure if you got my message. I'm not trying to have my friends check up on you or anything weird like that. He just knows about what's going on and thought that he could maybe talk to you about it. Didnt really understand that you arent like that, and i had no idea he was doing it in the first place.

 

Her - It's fine, like I said, I was pretty sure you had nothing to do with it. I just don't really know what he would want to talk to me about. I think we've both said what has needed to be said at this current time. I just wanted to make you aware.

 

Me -I agree, i'm sure you know how i feel about everything, but i havent really gone into detail with anyone besides my family and he thought he could help my situation, but i cleared it up with him. Thanks for bringing it to my attention though. He apologizes for bothering you. Anyways, hope everything has been going good for you, and maybe we can talk in the near future under better circumstances.

 

Now i've been told that i handled it pretty well. Some people have tried telling me that its a good sign that she sent me those messages in the first place, because she could have just ignored the request like she usually does and not have said anything. And then there is her "current time" statement which really has me confused.

 

Anyways, i did something kind of dumb the next day. I felt like i never had the chance to properly thank her for helping me with a few of my issues in the past, so i sent her this last message, not expecting a response.

 

Me -I hate to break this whole space thing for a moment but there was one thing i wanted to say to you that i never really got to say when things went sour. Just a simple thank you, and i really mean it. I wont go into detail on why, i'm sure you know well enough why id be thanking you. Anyways, i'm going back to giving you your space. I've accepted that if you want to talk to me, you will do it on your own accord. No amount of pushing will make things better, only worse.

 

I've heard so many different stories about second chances. I know i cant expect this kind of thing to come around within a month or even 2 months. She wants me to get over my issues that ruined the relationship. But her silence towards me, followed up by her comments the other day have just left me confused. Has anyone else been in a similar situation, where their ex told them they werent really feeling the same at the time, only to realize that giving them the space they needed helped you out in the long run? I dont really know where to go from here. I've been taking the proper steps towards fixing myself, but i still have reconciling in the back of my head, and its driving me crazy.

[Ajax]

I think a lot of us have reconciliation in the back of our mind. How realistic that is depends on the situation. In my case I want it but I don't expect it.

 

I think you handled things well overall, but shouldn't have sent that last email. You know that though, so don't worry about that now. For now stick no NC and keep working on yourself. I know it's hard to do that when it feels like a piece of you is missing, but that's really all you can do. If she does come back it'll have to be on her own.

 

Good luck and let us know how things progress.

[Billie The Puppet]

I'm in the same spot as you,

We have to give up hoping. (Easier said than done)

 

Look in terms of chances we get put at the back of the line and that line is huge it's say the worlds population of single and available specific to the gender or gender(s) our ex's are interested in. (Ok a bit smaller than that as you have to take into consideration, location, age, ethnicity etc to the liking of the ex but this is an example)

 

It's the 1 shot per relationship theory.

 

Second chances do happen but I am willing to bet those all happened because nature ran its course and they randomly reaquainted with each other.

 

despite my reply I am still hoping/pining for a chance.

[Gt.ooh]

Capthx- Like I said before you sound so similar to me and my situation. I definitely want another chance, but slowly by the day I'm realizing I have to take a long hard look at the relationship...on the other hand I'm confused and have no idea what direction anything is headed from here. I too have realized that, she needs space just as much as me. Only time at this stage will give us any of the answers we're looking for. Sad, but true.

 

How long have you done NC? Did you do NC before the covnvo's listed above?

 

It's kind of eerie in a sense that your ex gf has given you the same kinds of words as mine. It wasn't right right now, all that stuff. I'm interested to follow your story. I'm week 1.5 NC, and each day I think it's so much better to not have contacted, as I'm realizing she will be doing a lot of thinking in the weeks to come. To get much needed answers, and better steer me in the right direction. Is your ex stubborn? Mine is very stubborn, and doesn't think..just acts. Hence a lot of confusion and mixed signals for me. I haven't gotten any difinitive answers, but not enough time has past at this point.

[Billie The Puppet]

Capthx- Like I said before you sound so similar to me and my situation. I definitely want another chance, but slowly by the day I'm realizing I have to take a long hard look at the relationship...on the other hand I'm confused and have no idea what direction anything is headed from here. I too have realized that, she needs space just as much as me. Only time at this stage will give us any of the answers we're looking for. Sad, but true.

 

How long have you done NC? Did you do NC before the covnvo's listed above?

 

It's kind of eerie in a sense that your ex gf has given you the same kinds of words as mine. It wasn't right right now, all that stuff. I'm interested to follow your story. I'm week 1.5 NC, and each day I think it's so much better to not have contacted, as I'm realizing she will be doing a lot of thinking in the weeks to come. To get much needed answers, and better steer me in the right direction. Is your ex stubborn? Mine is very stubborn, and doesn't think..just acts. Hence a lot of confusion and mixed signals for me. I haven't gotten any difinitive answers, but not enough time has past at this point.

 

I know this isn't directed at me but my Ex is Stubborn and very Stubborn once she gets to know you or you get to know her. However when she first chased after me she was very persistent. What I'll say is no matter how stubborn you think they are they are still the ones that have to break NC if it is ever going to happen they will be persistent if they want you. Think of it as how we first were when we got broken up with we, tried immediately to remedy the situation if they wanted us they would be doing the same thing. I got all the same "right now" lines too. In fact I could list a whole bunch of Back Burner placement break up lines I was fed. Yet sometimes I still give myself hope. Really we have to learn to give up hope. Once hope is gone the healing process begins. Funny though I can tell myself day and day again that I have a 0% chance of reconconciling which I believe to be a reality yet 0% is not strong enough for me to give up hope?

 

I don't know if my ex is seeing someone else but I assume it is the case now. It doesn't bother me because I don't know but the assumption is still made. Even with the assumption I still can't lose hope because maybe it will fail, maybe she will realize what she is missing etc. Though I do believe I'll hit the floor when I find this out to be real. I can't say what I'll feel like then. The hardest thing to do is get the ex off my mind even focusing on the negatives is still thinking of her. Keep on focusing on the negatives helped me earlier on but I feel I have come full circle and the negatives are like I'd put up with.

[Gt.ooh]

I know this isn't directed at me but my Ex is Stubborn and very Stubborn once she gets to know you or you get to know her. However when she first chased after me she was very persistent. What I'll say is no matter how stubborn you think they are they are still the ones that have to break NC if it is ever going to happen they will be persistent if they want you. Think of it as how we first were when we got broken up with we, tried immediately to remedy the situation if they wanted us they would be doing the same thing. I got all the same "right now" lines too. In fact I could list a whole bunch of Back Burner placement break up lines I was fed. Yet sometimes I still give myself hope. Really we have to learn to give up hope. Once hope is gone the healing process begins. Funny though I can tell myself day and day again that I have a 0% chance of reconconciling which I believe to be a reality yet 0% is not strong enough for me to give up hope?

 

I don't know if my ex is seeing someone else but I assume it is the case now. It doesn't bother me because I don't know but the assumption is still made. Even with the assumption I still can't lose hope because maybe it will fail, maybe she will realize what she is missing etc. Though I do believe I'll hit the floor when I find this out to be real. I can't say what I'll feel like then. The hardest thing to do is get the ex off my mind even focusing on the negatives is still thinking of her. Keep on focusing on the negatives helped me earlier on but I feel I have come full circle and the negatives are like I'd put up with.

 

So true Billie so true...I too have no idea whatsoever what's happening in Toronto on Thanksgiving day...as I am now back in BC. If I find/found out about another person, yea I'd be the first one to hit the floor head first. I agree with this hope.. What is it all about anyway?? There's so many scenarios which pass through our minds at any given time of day or night. It's a rough gravel road with lots of washboard in which we are traveling on, wtf does it take to make it smooth? Closure...in my opinion. The first initial weeks/months we have no closure (most of us), and here we are..seeking closure.

[Capthxc]

Capthx- Like I said before you sound so similar to me and my situation. I definitely want another chance, but slowly by the day I'm realizing I have to take a long hard look at the relationship...on the other hand I'm confused and have no idea what direction anything is headed from here. I too have realized that, she needs space just as much as me. Only time at this stage will give us any of the answers we're looking for. Sad, but true.

 

How long have you done NC? Did you do NC before the covnvo's listed above?

 

It's kind of eerie in a sense that your ex gf has given you the same kinds of words as mine. It wasn't right right now, all that stuff. I'm interested to follow your story. I'm week 1.5 NC, and each day I think it's so much better to not have contacted, as I'm realizing she will be doing a lot of thinking in the weeks to come. To get much needed answers, and better steer me in the right direction. Is your ex stubborn? Mine is very stubborn, and doesn't think..just acts. Hence a lot of confusion and mixed signals for me. I haven't gotten any difinitive answers, but not enough time has past at this point.

Yeah i was about to hit the 4 week mark of no contact on her part before she sent those messages. It was 3 weeks for me though. I've come to terms with a lot of things, and the biggest one is that i cant continue to push. I was doing so well, i knew i couldnt contact her, as much as i wanted to, as much as i wanted to pour my heart out to her, until she approached me. I looked at her contacting me the other day as my only window of opportunity to say what i wanted to say, and that was thanks. Right when i sent the message i knew i messed up and i shouldnt have sent it, i was kicking myself in the ass for doing it, but at the same time i know how she is, and i know that her relationships with previous ex's have been pretty brutal on their part, so i think a part of her actually appreciated it, or else she would have blocked me.

 

And to answer your other question, yes, she is EXTREMELY stubborn. She has even told me this multiple times, and has told me when she has made up her mind its difficult to get her think otherwise. Which is why im so worried right now. She said she only thought about breaking up with me right after our most recent argument and dwelled on it for a few days, and came to that conclusion when i finally pushed her to her limit. But a part of me feels like she was just saying that so i didnt feel bad. She was acting really distant towards me for about a month or so, and the distance is what started to scare me and push me in the wrong direction. I got the "I've been so stressed out" and "i cant take this anymore" lines from her prior to the break up. The silence on her part makes it really rough, and then the "current time" statement is what's really throwing me off. It makes me think she still wants to work things out, just not at the moment. But her silence tells me otherwise.

 

What really has me worried is the up coming Halloween parties. Thats where we first hooked up and started dating. Shes not the most sexually active person in the world, and shes not the type of person that would get drunk and sleep with whoever, but a part of me feels like it will all be over when she does her partying over the holiday season. She isnt much of a partier in the first place, but Halloween and new years are the two real big ones for her. I'm also afraid she might have hooked up with a mutual friend of ours that she met online. The guy had a huge crush on her, and she was always talking to him. But when she was talking to me about him she was always talking about how ridiculous he was, and when i mentioned something about the two of them she said he's disgusting and she wasnt attracted to him, but i have noticed that they've been talking more lately since the break up. So i dont know, i just have to take it one step at a time and really focus on myself, so when/if she does approach me again, i dont explode into a ball of emotions on her and start begging her to take me back, or ask her where we went wrong, that sort of stuff.

 

I'll give you guys updates as they come along. I still have a good feeling that reconciling is possible, but only after she has done the things she feels she needs to do, and gotten over some of the more negative emotions i've pushed onto her.

 

I'll also add that she was WAY more into me during most of the relationship than i was with her. She always told me about how i treated her right, and how i was the sweetest guy she had ever been with. So things like that are what's really keeping me attached.

Edited October 11, 2010 by Capthxc

[Gt.ooh]

Yeah i was about to hit the 4 week mark of no contact on her part before she sent those messages. It was 3 weeks for me though. I've come to terms with a lot of things, and the biggest one is that i cant continue to push. I was doing so well, i knew i couldnt contact her, as much as i wanted to, as much as i wanted to pour my heart out to her, until she approached me. I looked at her contacting me the other day as my only window of opportunity to say what i wanted to say, and that was thanks. Right when i sent the message i knew i messed up and i shouldnt have sent it, i was kicking myself in the ass for doing it, but at the same time i know how she is, and i know that her relationships with previous ex's have been pretty brutal on their part, so i think a part of her actually appreciated it, or else she would have blocked me.

 

And to answer your other question, yes, she is EXTREMELY stubborn. She has even told me this multiple times, and has told me when she has made up her mind its difficult to get her think otherwise. Which is why im so worried right now. She said she only thought about breaking up with me right after our most recent argument and dwelled on it for a few days, and came to that conclusion when i finally pushed her to her limit. But a part of me feels like she was just saying that so i didnt feel bad. She was acting really distant towards me for about a month or so, and the distance is what started to scare me and push me in the wrong direction. I got the "I've been so stressed out" and "i cant take this anymore" lines from her prior to the break up. The silence on her part makes it really rough, and then the "current time" statement is what's really throwing me off. It makes me think she still wants to work things out, just not at the moment. But her silence tells me otherwise.

 

What really has me worried is the up coming Halloween parties. Thats where we first hooked up and started dating. Shes not the most sexually active person in the world, and shes not the type of person that would get drunk and sleep with whoever, but a part of me feels like it will all be over when she does her partying over the holiday season. She isnt much of a partier in the first place, but Halloween and new years are the two real big ones for her. I'm also afraid she might have hooked up with a mutual friend of ours that she met online. The guy had a huge crush on her, and she was always talking to him. But when she was talking to me about him she was always talking about how ridiculous he was, and when i mentioned something about the two of them she said he's disgusting and she wasnt attracted to him, but i have noticed that they've been talking more lately since the break up. So i dont know, i just have to take it one step at a time and really focus on myself, so when/if she does approach me again, i dont explode into a ball of emotions on her and start begging her to take me back, or ask her where we went wrong, that sort of stuff.

 

I'll give you guys updates as they come along. I still have a good feeling that reconciling is possible, but only after she has done the things she feels she needs to do, and gotten over some of the more negative emotions i've pushed onto her.

 

I'll also add that she was WAY more into me during most of the relationship than i was with her. She always told me about how i treated her right, and how i was the sweetest guy she had ever been with. So things like that are what's really keeping me attached.

 

Yep, I feel the same way about Halloween. She doesn't like to party hardy, but hey we all don't mind a good time here and there. I'm dreading the days upcoming as we approach halloween.

 

My ex too was distant in the 2 weeks ish leading up to the break-up. I also got sick feelings in my stomach that something was wrong. "I'm not happy, I need space." Nothing I could say or do meant a thing. She had a vault lock on and the biggest drill couldn't get through it..

 

A lot of things she has said makes me also think she was just saying it to make me stop with needyness...I started with a break to a break up VIA txt msg. Pushed her away and began my NC...So I am also stuck on things she has said and some actions that make me look at it stay attached.

 

She changed her number shortly after me being a little too needy, and I found out through her sister she didn't change it because of me.

 

Everytime I talk to someone they can't really help me, they say gosh...there's no difinitive answer to any of my Q's..another "hope". Even her mom (whom I get along with soo well, said she is stubborn, best thing is leave her alone for at least a month and maybe see whats up then)...It's like I'm floating down a river on a tube, and the river has many routes. They all end up in the same place, it's a matter of what that place is or is going to be.

 

Keep me posted man, I like hearing someone's story that's so similar. Even you sound like me, not just the story..over-protective.. And I strongly believe for reconciling, as I feel it's not all my fault...but I definitely didn't help my cause in the early stages of Brk Up.

Edited October 11, 2010 by Gt.ooh

[Capthxc]

Yep, I feel the same way about Halloween. She doesn't like to party hardy, but hey we all don't mind a good time here and there. I'm dreading the days upcoming as we approach halloween.

 

My ex too was distant in the 2 weeks ish leading up to the break-up. I also got sick feelings in my stomach that something was wrong. "I'm not happy, I need space." Nothing I could say or do meant a thing. She had a vault lock on and the biggest drill couldn't get through it..

 

A lot of things she has said makes me also think she was just saying it to make me stop with needyness...I started with a break to a break up VIA txt msg. Pushed her away and began my NC...So I am also stuck on things she has said and some actions that make me look at it stay attached.

 

She changed her number shortly after me being a little too needy, and I found out through her sister she didn't change it because of me.

 

Everytime I talk to someone they can't really help me, they say gosh...there's no difinitive answer to any of my Q's..another "hope". Even her mom (whom I get along with soo well, said she is stubborn, best thing is leave her alone for at least a month and maybe see whats up then)...It's like I'm floating down a river on a tube, and the river has many routes. They all end up in the same place, it's a matter of what that place is or is going to be.

 

Keep me posted man, I like hearing someone's story that's so similar. Even you sound like me, not just the story..over-protective.. And I strongly believe for reconciling, as I feel it's not all my fault...but I definitely didn't help my cause in the early stages of Brk Up.

Yup right there with you on friends and family not being able to help much. My mom said i just have to take baby steps, work on myself, and if she talks to me, hey great, ill be a better person the one she was attracted to when she comes back around.

 

But i got a friend that's trying to tell me i was just a long term rebound for her. When we got together she was still with her ex. She said there were no feelings there for him, that he had been cold towards her for a while and just treated her bad. She asked me to wait 4 months for her to finish school and move out, and thats exactly what i did, and i helped her a long the way. This friend didnt know much about our relationship, so hes trying to tell me i was just her crutch to move on, but i really feel like there was so much more to it then that. So in the end the only person i can really trust is myself and my instincts, and they're telling me this isnt permanant, that she just wants the space that i never gave her to figure things out.

[Gt.ooh]

Yup right there with you on friends and family not being able to help much. My mom said i just have to take baby steps, work on myself, and if she talks to me, hey great, ill be a better person the one she was attracted to when she comes back around.

 

But i got a friend that's trying to tell me i was just a long term rebound for her. When we got together she was still with her ex. She said there were no feelings there for him, that he had been cold towards her for a while and just treated her bad. She asked me to wait 4 months for her to finish school and move out, and thats exactly what i did, and i helped her a long the way. This friend didnt know much about our relationship, so hes trying to tell me i was just her crutch to move on, but i really feel like there was so much more to it then that. So in the end the only person i can really trust is myself and my instincts, and they're telling me this isnt permanant, that she just wants the space that i never gave her to figure things out.

 

I feel the same way. My friends can't tell me one way or the other. I would agree that there was obviously more to your relationship than meets the eye. And only you know best. And same goes for me. Ppl keep saying, just move on and get a rebound.

1) I'm not like that.

2) Like you I have a lot working for me, like the good times and memories and the fact I never treated her bad, but with upmost respect.

3)Nothing has been really concrete, meaning sure she's said this and that, and her friends say there's no chance..well at that point it had only been the first week. I didn't give her space so I know her friends would inlfuence her, as well as clingy/needyness.

 

I started with the friendship thing, but it got ended quick with her number change due to school reasons. And I'm honestly glad for that. I don't want friendship, I want a second shot. So I have not asked for her new number.

[Capthxc]

I feel the same way. My friends can't tell me one way or the other. I would agree that there was obviously more to your relationship than meets the eye. And only you know best. And same goes for me. Ppl keep saying, just move on and get a rebound.

1) I'm not like that.

2) Like you I have a lot working for me, like the good times and memories and the fact I never treated her bad, but with upmost respect.

3)Nothing has been really concrete, meaning sure she's said this and that, and her friends say there's no chance..well at that point it had only been the first week. I didn't give her space so I know her friends would inlfuence her, as well as clingy/needyness.

 

I started with the friendship thing, but it got ended quick with her number change due to school reasons. And I'm honestly glad for that. I don't want friendship, I want a second shot. So I have not asked for her new number.

Its a good sign that you arent trying to pester her for her number right away. I know how you feel, i dont want the friend card per say, but she was a great friend of mine prior to the relationship, and i wouldnt want to lose a friend over this. I want a second chance more then anything, she was so good to me and i made the mistake of subconsciously pushing her away.

 

I should consider myself lucky that i dont talk to any of her friends. The few that i did talk to i removed from facebook the same day i removed her. The thing is, she never really told anyone about our relationship and we were LDR for most of it. She said she didnt want anyone in her business, so friends wouldn't really help me anyways.

 

But i do think there was someone she was venting to. Someone that might have pushed her towards this decision. I've nailed it down to her roommate, which wouldn't make much sense because the guy has the same issues as me, or her mother and sister, and her mother doesn't like me very much. She was always telling her to dump me and move on to someone that's closer. She works at the hospital with her mother and she would always tell me stories about how her mom would introduce her to guys and tell these guys stories about how shes single and looking when she really wasn't. Didn't really help my situation to be honest with you.

[Gt.ooh]

Its a good sign that you arent trying to pester her for her number right away. I know how you feel, i dont want the friend card per say, but she was a great friend of mine prior to the relationship, and i wouldnt want to lose a friend over this. I want a second chance more then anything, she was so good to me and i made the mistake of subconsciously pushing her away.

 

I should consider myself lucky that i dont talk to any of her friends. The few that i did talk to i removed from facebook the same day i removed her. The thing is, she never really told anyone about our relationship and we were LDR for most of it. She said she didnt want anyone in her business, so friends wouldn't really help me anyways.

 

But i do think there was someone she was venting to. Someone that might have pushed her towards this decision. I've nailed it down to her roommate, which wouldn't make much sense because the guy has the same issues as me, or her mother and sister, and her mother doesn't like me very much. She was always telling her to dump me and move on to someone that's closer. She works at the hospital with her mother and she would always tell me stories about how her mom would introduce her to guys and tell these guys stories about how shes single and looking when she really wasn't. Didn't really help my situation to be honest with you.

 

Wow I don't want to put a damper on anything, but her mom pulling that kind of stuff definitely not for your favour.

 

Yea, having someone else working against you...someone she can vent to may sometimes bias her opinion on things.

 

I'm pretty sure that my ex gf didn't vent to anyone until after the break-up. I gather that she made the decision on her own. As we stand right now we can't dwell on our past as much as it sucks..but for them we have the past. Which is good for us in that sense. Can't erase the things we`ve done for them, and the times we`ve shared. That`s exactly where the time factors in. I know for you you`ve been broken up longer and on NC 3 more weeks then me. It sounds like you still need time, whereas I`m just in the beginning. Keep me posted on any new news whatsoever. I`check LS everyday and look forward to sharing info back and forth and our situations develop. I don`t have much of anything right now to report due to the early stages of my brk up. Keep postin`.

[Capthxc]

Well, a short little update. I think shes with someone else now. It might just be assuming on my part, but if she isnt with this guy then she will be in the very near future. All the evidence points towards it. I think he saw that shes vulnerable, and went in to make his move. I can't really go into detail on how i know this, because its pretty complicated.

 

I broke down earlier when i discovered this, was ready to pop some ambien and call it a night at around 8 this evening, but i talked it out with a friend and my mother and ive been in a slightly better mood ever since. It's funny, as i've been expecting this to happen for a while now.

 

Like i said, im not 100% certain that's whats going on right now, it could just be that im going back to my neurotic assumptions. Either way, i have to stick to NC. I was tempted to break it earlier and ask, even tempted to break it earlier out of anger, but i was able to hold myself back. Her "Current time" statement is still playing out in the back of my head, and i still think talking things out between the two of us will be a possibility because of that, but if im impatient and disrespectful towards her wishes then it will all be for nothing. I guess part of loving someone as much as i love her is letting her do her own thing and be happy for her regardless of her decisions. Getting jealous and upset over it just proves that i'm living in the past, and it makes me out to be selfish.

[Gt.ooh]

Well, a short little update. I think shes with someone else now. It might just be assuming on my part, but if she isnt with this guy then she will be in the very near future. All the evidence points towards it. I think he saw that shes vulnerable, and went in to make his move. I can't really go into detail on how i know this, because its pretty complicated.

 

I broke down earlier when i discovered this, was ready to pop some ambien and call it a night at around 8 this evening, but i talked it out with a friend and my mother and ive been in a slightly better mood ever since. It's funny, as i've been expecting this to happen for a while now.

 

Like i said, im not 100% certain that's whats going on right now, it could just be that im going back to my neurotic assumptions. Either way, i have to stick to NC. I was tempted to break it earlier and ask, even tempted to break it earlier out of anger, but i was able to hold myself back. Her "Current time" statement is still playing out in the back of my head, and i still think talking things out between the two of us will be a possibility because of that, but if im impatient and disrespectful towards her wishes then it will all be for nothing. I guess part of loving someone as much as i love her is letting her do her own thing and be happy for her regardless of her decisions. Getting jealous and upset over it just proves that i'm living in the past, and it makes me out to be selfish.

 

Well I really hope that it's not happening. I feel for you. Be strong... we need to keep posting and update..makes me feel a lot better to talk with someone who's in the same boat.

[Capthxc]

Yeah its been a real rough night followed by a rough day. I've had my ups and downs. Certain times im like "okay, i can let go, everything will get better once i let go" And then i go back to the memories we shared together and go right back down to square 1. Wouldn't have been able to sleep last night if it wasnt for the little bit of ambien that i have left. It's amazing, i never thought id get so torn up over someone, especially because i dealt with my last break up so well, and because prior to all of this i was doing just fine.

 

Part of me wishes i never would have met this girl or made the first move. I'm so tempted to break NC and just nonchantaly approach her with something like "what's up" or "how have things been going for you?" but i know its still too soon for that.

[Gt.ooh]

Yea, I don't regret my relationship one bit. I love her, her family, and all the fun we had in just a year..not to mention the hard times too..we went through a lot. I'm doing pretty well these days...I sent an email today, but just to see what's happening with the condo, and I added in a lil how's life treating you completely innocent. I'm not going to respond and have a convo.. just seeing how things are. We shall see if I get anything back. I know she hadn't talked to her mom for like a week or her sister. I've been NC for 1 wk 6 days. So I don't know at this point (prior to thanksgiving) if she's still not talked to her mom/sister.

[Capthxc]

That's about the same time frame that i sent my first e-mail. However, it was much more emotionally driven than that. I went overboard, and i think it might have pushed her in the wrong direction. But at least i ended it on a good note, even if i was lying to myself that i just want to see her happy, even if its with someone else, and if i dont talk to her again then i hope everything goes well for her. Much different from the break up where i kept sputtering out "I love you, give me one more chance, i can prove to you that this will be the last time" and the whole "I love you so much, and i probably always will" after our goodbye spiel.

[Gt.ooh]

That's about the same time frame that i sent my first e-mail. However, it was much more emotionally driven than that. I went overboard, and i think it might have pushed her in the wrong direction. But at least i ended it on a good note, even if i was lying to myself that i just want to see her happy, even if its with someone else, and if i dont talk to her again then i hope everything goes well for her. Much different from the break up where i kept sputtering out "I love you, give me one more chance, i can prove to you that this will be the last time" and the whole "I love you so much, and i probably always will" after our goodbye spiel.

 

Yea I found out pretty darn quick to leave her alone. I was emotional in the very very beginning, but she made it clear that it wasn't doing me any good. I wouldn't have emailed yet..but I need to check in on the condo as my name is on the lease, and my parents co=signed.... And since it's been the most time I've left her alone since we dated, I figured just throw myself out there a bit to say hey, I'm capable of giving space...but I'm not going to ignore you and shut u right out..unless I get a horrible reply

[Capthxc]

Makes me wonder if i should say something similar.

 

Something along the lines of "Hey, you obviously know im capable of giving you space now, but its not like im trying to force myself out of your life. I'm still here if you want to talk"

 

But i think my e-mails and my thank you message to her yesterday had the same effect. If i take it any farther than what ive done lately it will just be more pushing.

[Gt.ooh]

Makes me wonder if i should say something similar.

 

Something along the lines of "Hey, you obviously know im capable of giving you space now, but its not like im trying to force myself out of your life. I'm still here if you want to talk"

 

But i think my e-mails and my thank you message to her yesterday had the same effect. If i take it any farther than what ive done lately it will just be more pushing.

 

Whatever you do Cap...don't say you obviously know.. bad bad. U don't need to say that. Just say hey, how's life treating you like I did. Doesn't sound pushy, ur not implying by saying anything about space. Let the time you've been NC do the talking for that. And if they're still angry u'll just get a vague answer..or an explanation. If it's a explanation as to how life is it means they didn't mind hearing from u but I'd leave it at that even still. It's just a feeler question for a good indication as to her thoughts. Like I said before, if I get a msg back great either way, it'll be a marker for me on how to approach in the future.

 

U sent her another msg yesterday? If u just did that, and a thank u letter... U've gotta go another month I'd say before anything else.

[Capthxc]

No no, just sent the one message thanking her the other day. Hah, sorry, all this time off from work has made the days bleed together. I'll wait it out a few more weeks. I wont set a goal or anything, i'll just wait until i feel like the time is right. At the moment im riding that roller coaster and its going up. So lets hope it stays that way.

[SadGirl23]

You know what? Knowing how bad we dumpees feel about the breakup, and how hurt and upset we are at the dumpers for not wanting to continue on; I always wondered if you flip the switch and make the dumper feel like "you are just checking up on them" making them to think your life is fairly good without them which they may wonder why you seem so relax with the breakup as well? I was wondering if that impression could look like that. Because then again, I don't want to look like a push over to let someone treat me any ol kind of way like I don't give a eff and still try to be nice. Is that your intentions of emailing her just to "check up" on her?

[Capthxc]

I wouldnt say im checking up on her. With the first e-mail i wasnt expecting a response. It was just because when the break up hit, i was pretty desperate and said some things i didnt mean. Things like how we could never be friends again and how i felt about needing a second chance right this minute and what not.

 

The e-mail just cleared things up, it let me say what i wanted to say without the frustration taking over. Apologized for being selfish. It said that i obviously still have feelings for you, and im sure she understands why. But i have to respect her wishes and let her approach me when she wants to talk to me. It was also about how i wanted to take back the whole "we cant be friends" bit. There was also some emotional mumbo jumbo in there. But that was the gist of it.

 

The thank you text came about later because i know most, if not all of her exs prior to me were pretty harsh towards her. I felt like i should at least thank her for what she was able to do for me, and that was turning my life around for the better. I know the girl well enough, so that even though she didnt respond(i didnt want her to) she appreciated it to a certain degree. She told me she didnt want me to hate her or hate myself because of the decision she made anyways.

 

The next message i send her way, if i even do send one, will be the typical checking in on you message. But i have to make sure im ready to accept any kind of answer i might be given, even if that answer is still silence.And like GT said, i'm only sending it so i know where she stands. I'll gauge her response and work from there.

Edited October 13, 2010 by Capthxc

[Gt.ooh]

Yes, all you can do is gauge your situation. I'm doing pretty good now. Try to keep myself from having those "moments," and I'd like to think I'm doing well. Day by day my friends. I'm not focused on getting back together as much if at all. It will always be in the back of my head, but since I have absolutely no control. I cannot make it the for-front of my thoughts. I'm not ready to move on yet, but I'm living. My head doesn't spin nearly as much.

 

I've gathered from here that some time needs to pass...So I'm starting to gear up for the 3 month mark, stop re-evaluate, and see if anything is even salvageable. By then I expect she'll have been with someone, or dating. Just see.. Can't predict the future, if only it were that easy.

 

But hopefully have a bit of contact in between.

Edited October 14, 2010 by Gt.ooh

[Capthxc]

Actually feeling a hell of a lot better today. I went to my brothers Brazilian ju jitsu class and trained with him for a while, and met some pretty interesting girls while i was there. Ones that could probably kick my ass none the less, but still. Helped me relieve a lot of the stress i've been carrying on my shoulders these past few days. I dont even feel the need to check up on facebook right now, and i've been able to go back to playing a little bit of xbox without getting distracted by my computer screen or phone. It's a real good feeling man.

 

I want to sign on some of our other games to see if shes playing but i've been able to resist that urge. If she wants to go down that path and be around a bunch of guys that are going to oogle over her because shes an attractive gamer chick then so be it. It's a shame to see her bring herself down to that level, but it almost makes me glad that i got out of that when i did.

 

Lets just hope tomorrow is as great of a day as today was. Looking forward to Friday though, my new official bar night with my brother and a few friends. Might actually hit up the dance floor this weekend.