Enough is enough...

[Green_eyes]

Hi Everyone,

 

This is my first post - but I need to get this off my chest. I have lurked around here for a while but now I need to tell my story.

 

Thirteen years ago, I met the girl of my dreams - she really was everything to me. She was my first serious girlfriend, and we really hit it off. At the time, she was working at a temporary job having completed her degree and after six months she moved back to her home country. We did the long distance thing for two years and then I moved to be with her. Eventually we got married, had a child and then two years ago she left me

 

To say I was devastated was an understatement - I don't know how I got through that time, but somehow I did - first of all minute by minute, then hour by hour and eventually day by day. I was very lucky in that the divorce wasn't acrimonious, and I see my son regularly but it still hurts when I see her happy with her new man and I just want someone to share my life with.

 

The first girl I dated was a complete disaster - It was much too soon. I'd been friends with her for as long as I have known my ex-wife and she helped me a lot as a listening ear when we broke up. Eventually she confessed that she had had feelings for me ever since she met me - but I guess I didn't live up to the idea she had in her head. We'd been e-mailing several times a day, and then nothing. One morning she sent me a message to that she needed to sort her life out - and that she would contact me again when she had done it and that was the last I heard from her.

 

The second girl was wonderful - we are good friends now, and with hindsight I can see it would never have worked out. She is as chaotic as I am organised - but from her point of view the spark just wasn't there.

 

Then I met someone who I really thought it would work out with. However, she was moving away and broke off all contact as soon as she got where she was going. She sent me a lovely goodbye e-mail - for what it was worth...

 

So here I am, lonely and single. Yesterday I made a right fool of myself. I'm a bit on the shy side and so it takes me ages to pluck up the courage to ask someone out. One of my (female) friends asked me if I needed a written invitation to ask a particular girl out because it was blatantly obvious that she liked me - so I did, and then today I found out that she already has a boyfriend.

 

To be honest, I am a complete disaster - Every time I get knocked back I end up in a complete mess, and I can't take the hurt anymore. I guess there just aren't that many opportunities for 37 year old divorced men, which is why I am just going to say enough is enough and stay single forever.

Edited October 11, 2010 by Green_eyes

[zerovandez]

Don't give up man! Suck it up. There's much more out there. Learn to be happy and single first and foremost. I was in a 10 year relationship and had to learn all over again after my seperation. Don't date, just make friends for now. Learn to communicate with total strangers; guys, girls, grandmas, ANYONE! I was a really shy guy as well but I've improved so much in only a year. Get into shape if you aren't already. I started P90X and people now do double takes, even 3 takes! So start doing you, then the rest will want to do you too! Cheers buddy!

[theodora]

I think you are wrong to give up!!

 

I think that age 37 is the perfect age to be the kind of man you sound like you are. Many men of 37 are commitment phobes, not willing to be in relationships, or wanting women to do all the compromising. Whereas you sound like you are kind and emotioanlly available, and willing to put in effort and wanting to fall in love.

 

Maybe you need a bit more time to heal from your lost love, but when you have taken that time, there will be LOTS of women out there who are keen to meet a man who is emotionally available and wants to fall in love.

 

In fact, I'd say being divorced at 37 is a PLUS point in terms of what women are looking for in a man. Because if you'd never been married, it would show that you didn't want commitment. But having made a commitment once, even if it didn't work out, at least you are willing and keen to settle down.

 

And the fact that you see your son, that's amazing. Plenty of women will admire that and find it sexy and appealing.

 

Don't give up!

 

Maybe just give it a rest. Spend some time with yourself. Learn to be happy alone. And focus on other things you want out of life. Give yourself a chance to heal, before throwing yourself back into dating.

 

I think sometimes otherwise we get sucked into repeating the same old patterns. In some weird psychological level, you may be repeating hurtful experiences with all these other women in order to try and process what happened with your wife.

 

Whereas if you just process it, maybe get some therapy? Or something like that, and allow it to begin to make sense to you, then you will understand what happened in that relationship, and then you won't need to keep repeating it in order to try and gain insight.

 

(That's my pop-psychology tuppence worth anyway )

 

And when you are calm and ready, you will meet someone great. Believe.

[Green_eyes]

Thanks everyone! I must admit that I am feeling a lot better about things now than when I posted. I realise that it is still early days - and although I want to meet someone new, I also have the fear that if I do it too soon then I will likely as not jump out of the frying pan into the fire!

 

I reckon I am a pretty good catch (without blowing my own trumpet too much) and so I can afford to be selective

 

As for being in shape - well, I suppose I am pretty average there. I cycle around 60 miles a week, so I am not a couch potato

 

As far as my son is concerned, I wouldn't have it any other way! I've just come back from a weeks holiday with him.

 

Thanks again - you've made me feel much better

[Cee]

Glad to hear you are feeling better. And I hope you keep posting. I particularly enjoy reading posts from people over age 35. I learn a lot from my peer group.

 

I've been single for long time now although I've dated a lot. I try not to panic and remember that I will fall in love eventually.

[Surrealist]

Agree with Cee I like reading posts from older people for similar reasons. I'm 40, divorce pending though we are still best of friends believe it or not, we just understood that we rushed into marriage too quickly feeling somewhat pushed by religious expectations. I will have been seperated for five years this March 2011, and only been on one date in all that time which was just a couple of drinks and discussion. I have kind of given up, but the key is, engage in life. I work out a lot and work full time so my life is occupied, when the weekends come around I'm happy to sit on a computer on the net, have a few drinks and some junk food, train at the gym and yeah just enjoy what you got.

[Green_eyes]

Isn't life complicated?!?

 

Well I haven't given up on the girl 100% - it turns out that she doesn't have a boyfriend. It was a classic case of crossed wires. We've been out to dinner, and then the weekend before last I cooked her lunch. However, I haven't seen her since then - we have texted a couple of times and spoken on the phone and she even suggested going out again.

 

However, I am not sure that she is interested in anything more than friendship. She said that she has a very busy week coming up, and so I made a couple of suggestions as to when we could go out and left it at that. I am now waiting to hear from her.

 

There never seems to be an easy way for a guy to say "I'm interested" in a subtle way.

 

I just hope I do hear from her! She is nothing short of lovely. Good sense of humour, intelligent, beautiful, there is also something mysterious about her and she has the most amazing accent.