vividobscurity Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 1 year and 4 days ago, I met someone who changed my life. I was 3 months out of a violent, abusive relationship where I had been subjected to various violations which left me severely emotionally scarred for quite some time. I wasn't looking for a relationship. All I wanted to do was party. I was drinking too much, I was going out clubbing two-three times a week. Any opportunity I had to drink or socialise, I was there. I loved feeling wanted, and I loved being in demand. I like to think I'm a reasonably attractive young woman, but I do have my issues, which I will touch on later. Everything changed the day I met Adam*. I was dancing in a club in the city, I had my two best girls with me, and I locked eyes with a guy across the dance floor. I cannot describe the feeling at the time, but it was intense. I couldn't look away. One of my friends moved closer to him, while the other one was already dancing with one of his friends before I even realised. I thought he was going to dance with my friend who is incredibly beautiful, but Adam reached around her, and took my hand. It was electric. I needed to get away from him. This was the first time I had felt anything so real in months. I escaped, I was outside trying to catch my breath, and he followed me, before I left, he got my number, Things went from there, we started dating. He taught me so much about myself, and I forgot the pain I had been through only three months prior. I felt raw, and real. I felt exposed, but in a good way. I felt I could trust again, and I melted every time he looked at me. All of our friends could see how I was falling. Three months was all it took to set my heart on fire. Three months and I was hooked like an addiction. One touch, one glance, one moment in his presence was enough to get my heart racing. It was a beautiful, terrible thing. There were some other women who associated with his friends that became jealous of us, and they stirred a lot of trouble. They made it very difficult for us, they turned his friends against me completely, and though we tried to fight it, it all turned to ****, and I broke it off. I couldn't take it anymore. I used to have such a good relationship with his mates, and my friends and his friends all used to hang out, we had so much fun together, and everybody got along, I didn't understand how it all slipped out of my grasp and deteriorated so rapidly. Two days later, I was back on the town with my girls, and I saw him there. Something panged in my heart. He walked out of the club, he looked upset. I was upset. I fell to the floor by 4am, overcome by inconsolable grief, I realised that I was in love. I had had two previous long term relationships, one of about three years! But never before had I felt that way. This was my first love. This was so different and made any feeling or emotion I'd ever felt before seem so insignificant. I was in love. I AM in love. On again, off again. You all know how it goes. We got back together on one occasion, but his friends tore us apart again, we both couldn't handle it. For the past 9 months, we have been in and out of each others lives. We cannot keep away from one another, and at the same time, being together is absolutely lethal. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and this has been absolutely devastating for both me and everyone who knows me. I'm so broken. We had a pregnancy scare, and after a few weeks took a test. It was negative. We both cried, tears of happiness and sadness, such mixed emotion, but we are both only kids, 19/20. We were both so relieved that our lives weren't about to be thrown upside down again I guess. I fell into his arms, and he kissed me deeply. I ended up having a full blown episode (part of my Bipolar), the first time he had seen one so bad, he was used to the small fluctuations, and this time he panicked. He didn't know what to do, he stayed over and held me all night while I cried myself to sleep uncontrollably in his arms. It was beautiful and terrible. He never told me he loves me. Never. I had a couple of conversations with his mates a couple months back. Quite a few of them have apologised for the way things turned out. Both of them have told me that Adam cannot go on with or without me and he has admitted that. They both told me that Adam is afraid of love, and runs from emotion, but they are both sure that he is beyond in love with me. Adam and I have agreed its best to have no contact, but 9 months on, 1 year since we met, I cannot forget him. I am in love with him, and I would do anything to be with him. Being raped, and being beaten up in the past is nothing now, it all pales in comparison to the pain and desperation I am feeling. He showed me heaven, and then he took it away, and that... That is a very dangerous thing. How can I get through this?
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