He unhid his online profile

[daphne]

Earlier this year, I got dumped by a guy because I told him I was seeing someone else because he became suspicious that I wasn't always available. At the time, I thought he was highly unreasonable to throw the baby out with the bath water, since I basically let him know that I was willing to be exclusive if that's what he wanted. I just didn't want to assume anything.

 

Fast forward, I've dated a lot since then. I tried online, and actually met a guy that I could see going somewhere. We had both hidden our profiles before we met, for my part because I had received an overwhelming response and I can't date 10 different guys and I'd rather focus on one or two. We hit it off and I decided to let the others go.

 

This weekend, I was ill and didn't want him to see me looking worse for the wear so both weekend nights I basically begged off. Sunday we were going to try again and I heard nothing. I checked his profile, having a hunch that something was wrong and yup he reactivated his profile.

 

I'm now in the precarious predicament of feeling that if he valued me, he wouldn't have risked losing me by doing that. This is what guy from earlier in the year had told me. I get it now. New guy sent a clear message by activating his profile. I don't know that I want to continue seeing him. Not that he's done anything wrong, it's just that I don't feel terribly important to him after feeling pretty good about things up til now. I feel sucker punched, especially when I stopped hanging out with my friends to send a message that I wasn't interested in going out to meet a bunch of guys out. Plus, I had given up the other guys that were interested.

 

I don't know really what to say to him at this point. He doesn't know that I know. I don't want to make him feel bad. I just don't know that I really feel the same way now. Not sure how to proceed without creating drama.

[Mike B.]

This weekend, I was ill and didn't want him to see me looking worse for the wear so both weekend nights I basically begged off. Sunday we were going to try again and I heard nothing. I checked his profile, having a hunch that something was wrong and yup he reactivated his profile.

 

Maybe he doesn't feel the same or as important to you since you backed off on both weekend dates. Maybe he was feeling great about things until he started noticing some things and then you declined to see him over the weekend. Maybe he thought that you not wanting to see him because you were sick was a lame excuse not to see him so he called himself taking a hint and decided to not be pushy and just put back up his profile.

[daphne]

Thanks for the response. Valid points. Except, the week before he got sick and whereas I was really disappointed, I went with the flow and forgot about it. I also was concerned that he didn't want to see me bad enough when I broke my neck to try to make it happen and he bagged at the last minute. The difference is that I didn't react and gave him the benefit of the doubt and I think he over reacted.

 

Also, we had no plans for Friday. He asked me out later in the evening.

Edited October 11, 2010 by daphne

[Mike B.]

Thanks for the response. Valid points. Except, the week before he got sick and whereas I was really disappointed, I went with the flow and forgot about it. I also was concerned that he didn't want to see me bad enough when I broke my neck to try to make it happen and he bagged at the last minute. The difference is that I didn't react and gave him the benefit of the doubt and I think he over reacted.

 

Also, we had no plans for Friday. He asked me out later in the evening.

 

Yeah he may be over reacting if that is the case. Not everyone falls head over heels before falling in love and living happily ever after. A lot of times, couples grow with each other and the more they learn about each other and hang out, the deeper they fall for each other. It is possible that you may be over reacting some as well. You two are not exclusive so it is not a really harsh thing he has done and you said that you realize this.

 

The whole putting back up his profile thing doesn't sound like a dealbreaker to me. It just means that if you really like this guy, you are going to have to stand out from the competition. I know it feels great when there is no competition and you are the primary focus but not every situation is ideal. I think you should just keep dating him and see how it turns out. Get your profile back up too.

[daphne]

I am overreacting, but I realize it's because I really liked him. I already put my profile back up. I'm going to wait and see how I feel in a few days, but I'm pretty old fashioned and he is well aware of this. I don't date multiple people. I don't have a lot of competition online, and I'm not going to settle for someone who puts me in there. I didn't do that to him.

 

In my thinking, if I don't make a guy want to cut off his other options, I'm not the girl for him.

[Str8noChaser]

We had both hidden our profiles before we met, for my part because I had received an overwhelming response and I can't date 10 different guys and I'd rather focus on one or two. We hit it off and I decided to let the others go.

 

Ok, we know why you chose to hide yours. Why did he hide his?

 

I'm now in the precarious predicament of feeling that if he valued me, he wouldn't have risked losing me by doing that. This is what guy from earlier in the year had told me. I get it now.

 

Well yes & no. When you were dating multiple people, were you honest with all involved? You did nothing wrong. And if you dated multiple people was it because you didn't want to be committed at the time?

 

Perhaps your new guy is like you were in the beginning and not necessarily doesn't value you, but is just dating different people. Did he lie about his intentions or situation?

 

I feel sucker punched, especially when I stopped hanging out with my friends to send a message that I wasn't interested in going out to meet a bunch of guys out. Plus, I had given up the other guys that were interested.

 

Chalk it up to lesson learned. You shouldn't stop your life as it's going over anyone. Especially if you are both not on the same page. Pick back up on the guys you were interested in.

 

I don't know really what to say to him at this point. He doesn't know that I know. I don't want to make him feel bad. I just don't know that I really feel the same way now. Not sure how to proceed without creating drama.

 

It's already drama. No coy way you can say, so I saw you unhid your profile, without showing him that you were checking up on him. (that's how he may take it even if you were not).

 

What do you want from him now? Exclusivity? Deleted profile?

[Str8noChaser]

I am overreacting, but I realize it's because I really liked him. I already put my profile back up. I'm going to wait and see how I feel in a few days, but I'm pretty old fashioned and he is well aware of this. I don't date multiple people. I don't have a lot of competition online, and I'm not going to settle for someone who puts me in there. I didn't do that to him.

 

If he knows you are, he may also know you are being hollow in your attempt to repost your profile. ie (game playing & drama). You just admitted that you overreacted. I'd suggest you take your profile down while you figure out what it is you want in your life. It's really not fair for any guy to reply to you at this point and get sucked up in a game.

 

How long have you and your guy been together?

[CrestfallenNoMore]

How about talking to him? Communication is key to any relationship. Conflict avoidance is destructive.

 

You could say "I noticed that you re-activated your profile. I felt as though we were progressing to exclusivity, and I'm a little sad to see that. Has something happened that has given you second thoughts regarding our relationship?"

[daphne]

Ok, we know why you chose to hide yours. Why did he hide his?

 

 

Well yes & no. When you were dating multiple people, were you honest with all involved? You did nothing wrong. And if you dated multiple people was it because you didn't want to be committed at the time?

 

Perhaps your new guy is like you were in the beginning and not necessarily doesn't value you, but is just dating different people. Did he lie about his intentions or situation?

 

 

Chalk it up to lesson learned. You shouldn't stop your life as it's going over anyone. Especially if you are both not on the same page. Pick back up on the guys you were interested in.

 

 

 

It's already drama. No coy way you can say, so I saw you unhid your profile, without showing him that you were checking up on him. (that's how he may take it even if you were not).

 

What do you want from him now? Exclusivity? Deleted profile?

 

He told me it was because someone else he had dated was online stalking him. He didn't put it back up until recently so I guess I made a stupid assumption.

 

I was honest with previous guy. And then was promptly dumped. lol

 

New guy didn't lie. However, he was definitely letting me know what he was up to, which is usually a sign that he wants me to know he's not dating someone. Again stupid assumption.

 

Yeah, I don't know that I can go back to the one that I already told I was interested in pursuing someone else. No one likes to be second best.

 

I already let the cat out of the bag. He hadn't responded to something I sent him. I got a feeling. I checked and was right. I figure it's best to let him know how I felt, and figure out what I want to do later.

 

Don't know what I want at this point. I'm kinda let down even though he didn't do anything wrong. We're just not on the same page and even though I don't resent him for it, I know I don't feel all that special anymore, regardless of what he said.

[daphne]

If he knows you are, he may also know you are being hollow in your attempt to repost your profile. ie (game playing & drama). You just admitted that you overreacted. I'd suggest you take your profile down while you figure out what it is you want in your life. It's really not fair for any guy to reply to you at this point and get sucked up in a game.

 

How long have you and your guy been together?

 

I'm not really interested in taking my profile down at this point. I don't really think it's going to pan out. We've only dated a few weeks and I realize that it's my problem, not his but I just don't know that I feel the same.

[daphne]

How about talking to him? Communication is key to any relationship. Conflict avoidance is destructive.

 

You could say "I noticed that you re-activated your profile. I felt as though we were progressing to exclusivity, and I'm a little sad to see that. Has something happened that has given you second thoughts regarding our relationship?"

 

I'm starting to realize the truth in your statement "Conflict avoidance is destructive." I do it because, well, I hate fighting. But I guess some people would rather know where you stand than try to guess. I did come clean and tell him that I knew, it wasn't his fault, I feel stupid. Sorry that I had the wrong expectations.

 

I hadn't seen this or I might have worded it a little more like you suggested.

 

Moving forward, not sure how to address this type of thing. If he hadn't sent mixed signals, I don't think I'd be so disappointed and wouldn't have taken him too seriously.

 

Am I the only American that prefers to only date one person once you find someone you really like?

[Str8noChaser]

He told me it was because someone else he had dated was online stalking him. He didn't put it back up until recently so I guess I made a stupid assumption.

 

I wouldn't call your assumption stupid. I would just say in the future, don't assume anything

 

I was honest with previous guy. And then was promptly dumped. lol

 

Nah, you weren't dumped. And don't ever regret being honest. If a man was this honest with a woman "I am dating other people" most would advise her to move on. Perhaps, the dude who moved on was of a similar mindset. But you did the right thing being honest with him!

 

Yeah, I don't know that I can go back to the one that I already told I was interested in pursuing someone else. No one likes to be second best.

 

I already let the cat out of the bag. He hadn't responded to something I sent him. I got a feeling. I checked and was right. I figure it's best to let him know how I felt, and figure out what I want to do later.

 

I would suggest until you are in a fully committed relationship, aside from the initial banter of letting people know you date, don't share much more information than that. Unless he is bringing it up because he wants exclusivity, until a man says I am only sleeping with and dating you, it's really none of his business.

 

Don't know what I want at this point. I'm kinda let down even though he didn't do anything wrong. We're just not on the same page and even though I don't resent him for it, I know I don't feel all that special anymore, regardless of what he said.

 

Try not to let your opinion about yourself be dependent on anyone else . You are special!

 

And in this case, neither of you did anything wrong that a conversation can't clear up. It can simply be, he's still looking and you aren't. Nothing is wrong with either of you.

[daphne]

I wouldn't call your assumption stupid. I would just say in the future, don't assume anything

 

 

 

Nah, you weren't dumped. And don't ever regret being honest. If a man was this honest with a woman "I am dating other people" most would advise her to move on. Perhaps, the dude who moved on was of a similar mindset. But you did the right thing being honest with him!

 

 

 

I would suggest until you are in a fully committed relationship, aside from the initial banter of letting people know you date, don't share much more information than that. Unless he is bringing it up because he wants exclusivity, until a man says I am only sleeping with and dating you, it's really none of his business.

 

 

 

Try not to let your opinion about yourself be dependent on anyone else . You are special!

 

And in this case, neither of you did anything wrong that a conversation can't clear up. It can simply be, he's still looking and you aren't. Nothing is wrong with either of you.

 

 

Thanks for the pep talk.

 

And for the record, I did indicate to old guy that I was fine with exclusivity if that's what he wanted. I just thought he was still on the hunt. Too bad I didn't change around my mo with these two. I chose the wrong one to stop looking with! But I couldn't not tell the last guy the truth. He was clearly upset at the thought that I was stepping out on him so I had to clear it up.

 

No, there's nothing wrong with either of us. I just know that I'm outdated, I tried to date more than one person. Got burned. Tried to do it my normal way. Got burned. I'm just not sure how many other guys out there do want to be exclusive once you have the proper kiss and think wow! Mebbe a keeper.

 

I was foolish to drop my options and stop hanging out with my gf's. It's possible that he just took it for granted. Who knows. But I can assure he won't be doing it again!

[atlnay]

I just had to drag one of my girlfriends out on a girls nite after her beau stopped contacting her out the blue

 

She realized the last time she had been out to a movie was to see sex & the city opening weekend :mad:

 

So yea, don't stop going out and hanging out with your girlfriends for anyone.

[daphne]

atl,

 

holy crap that's been months. Don't worry. It was new, I wasn't going to give them up forever. Just the drunken outings and bar hopping. But now, I guess I don't have to give up anything. So stupid.

[that girl]

You need to talk to him.

 

If you've established exclusivity, I think this is a dumpable offense, but you should talk to him first.

 

Maybe he doesn't feel the same or as important to you since you backed off on both weekend dates. Maybe he was feeling great about things until he started noticing some things and then you declined to see him over the weekend. Maybe he thought that you not wanting to see him because you were sick was a lame excuse not to see him so he called himself taking a hint and decided to not be pushy and just put back up his profile.

If someone assumes you are lying when you say you are too sick to go out, something is wrong. It still doesn't justify putting up an online dating profile if you are exclusive.

 

I am overreacting, but I realize it's because I really liked him. I already put my profile back up.

Jeez, way too amp up the drama. You really should have handled things with him first.

[Mike B.]

You need to talk to him.

 

If you've established exclusivity, I think this is a dumpable offense, but you should talk to him first.

 

 

If someone assumes you are lying when you say you are too sick to go out, something is wrong. It still doesn't justify putting up an online dating profile if you are exclusive.

 

 

My point was, that it could be a number of reasons including that one. There is no justification to do a lot of things when it comes to dating but we all know many people do unreasonable things in the dating world.

 

Jeez, way too amp up the drama. You really should have handled things with him first.

 

They both met on the dating site and she said that she didn't think it could work anymore. Why not move on and put your profile back up to start back dating other people? She saw it as the end. She shouldn't have to wait weeks or be barred from the dating site because he uses it too.

 

 

That whole stalker thing sounds peculiar to me.

[that girl]

There is no justification to do a lot of things when it comes to dating but we all know many people do unreasonable things in the dating world.

Sure, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Someone who doesn't believe you're sick and starts stepping out is completely out of line. Not someone you should try to win back the way you suggested.

 

She shouldn't have to wait weeks or be barred from the dating site because he uses it too.

Personally, I would dump him first. I wouldn't want to sink to his level.

[Mike B.]

Sure, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Someone who doesn't believe you're sick and starts stepping out is completely out of line. Not someone you should try to win back the way you suggested.

 

 

Personally, I would dump him first. I wouldn't want to sink to his level.

 

 

 

Just as I thought. Zengirl. The abrasiveness and propensity to antagonize is unmistakeable.

 

Just for information, I never suggested that she try to win him back. He never left her. Go and look for enemies elsewhere.

Edited October 12, 2010 by Mike B.

[that girl]

Just as I thought. Zengirl. The abrasiveness and propensity to antagonize is unmistakeable.

 

Just for information, I never suggested that she try to win him back. He never left her. Go and look for enemies elsewhere.

It is That Girl and I happen not to agree with your advice to win him back

 

It just means that if you really like this guy, you are going to have to stand out from the competition.

 

Doesn't mean I'm trying to start a jihad.

[Mike B.]

It is That Girl and I happen not to agree with your advice to win him back

 

 

 

Doesn't mean I'm trying to start a jihad.

 

 

Zengirl, That girl. Whatever, girl. You should learn to read posts before attempting to start jihad. Besides, your post frequently demonstrate youth with little actual dating experience.

 

She never lost the guy. He never broke up with her so there was nothing to win back. I am going to have to ignore you now. Feel free to continue self gratification by antagonizing everyone with your posts.

[daphne]

Wow. I needed popcorn for that exchange.

 

That girl, we hadn't established exlusivity. You need to relax a little. There's no reason to get that worked up about my post. It's not that interesting.

 

I will agree that he over reacted and I'm thinking that if he can do it when I'm sick, he can run out and do it again. I haven't decided what to do.

 

I did tell him how I felt. It wasn't easy, given that I would rather just walk away from the situation. But I felt enough of a connection to be honest and he responded really well. I didn't point fingers I just said this is who I am. Sorry we're not on the same page.

 

Coincidentally, it appears he has hidden his profile again. I was cleaning up my email box and saw his email and noticed it's unavailable. Not sure what to make of that. All I know is that I had about 50 guys email/wink in the past 48 hours so I'm thinking that there'll be one out there that wants to get it right!!!

[CrestfallenNoMore]

I did tell him how I felt. It wasn't easy, given that I would rather just walk away from the situation. But I felt enough of a connection to be honest and he responded really well.

 

Good for you. And nine times out of ten, this is exactly what happens. Yet we run from potential conflict thinking that any disagreement in behavior or words automatically equals "big ol' fight." That so rarely happens when you just genuinely open up and state how you're feeling, rather than be accusatory. Most people don't take someone's vulnerability in that moment and throw it back at them; we've just let those occasional times when it has happened freeze us into a state of conflict avoidance and let our assumptions and fear rule the day. And that creates a crappy dynamic that can eventually destroy a good relationship.

 

Good for you for stating what you want. It looks like you have plenty of other opportunities. Good luck to you!

[daphne]

Thanks Crestfallen. I guess I'm learning better how to say how I feel and be vulnerable and still trust that I can handle a bad reaction or rejection. Being vulnerable doesn't mean putting up with any crap. It means giving someone the opportunity to be bigger than you had hoped, or giving them a rope to hang themselves if they are small. But the good thing is that instead of trying to read someone's mind and intentions, you can gauge who they are by their reaction to your truth. Which is far more powerful.