rattled Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 (edited) This morning I woke up realizing that I'm feeling a new type of hurt. After almost 2 months NC, I used to feel pain for missing her, wanting her back, and jealousy that someone else had my best friend and first real love. However being more self-reflexive over the past couple of weeks I realize that I don't miss her, I don't want her back nor do I ever plan on reconciliation if I ever had the chance. I realize that the new pain I feel is realizing that I don't know who my ex is anymore. Finally objectively looking at my relationship over the past year, talking to mutual friends and what they had to say about her recently, she started to look and sound like a totally foreign person. She didn't sound like the best friend I used to have and love. Bottom line is the hurt I feel now is her change in person. It feels like the person I used to know has died altogether. I used to feel jealousy that the person I used to love was now someone else's gf. But now I realize that he doesn't even have the same person that I used to have. I guess my pain now stems from the fact that the person I used to know does not exist and will probably never exist again. Edited October 11, 2010 by rattled
Shadowburn Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 The person you were so in love with may never have even existed. You put her on pedestal and were looking at her through rose colored glasses. And now when you gained clarity and see who she really is, you don't even like her. You may feel duped and like you wasted time being in relationship with her, but this feeling will pass too. With time you will accept the reality of who she is and will see clearly why it didn't work out and actually wouldn't work out long term with her anyway. So ending was for the best. Good luck.
thatsonlyme Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I feel kind of the same. I still wonder sometimes who she really is? When she was my gf she was totally different person and how could a person fake 5 years of her life? She's changed so much but why? her behavior now is the same as mine, I try to go out as much as possible, I drink and have fun but deep inside I know I'm just trying to escape my reality. She seems to be doing the same thing. She appears happy, so do I. I don't like this new person and I don't want her back, but I deeply miss my girl who maybe never really existed. It really feels like a loved one died. but there is this ghost of her trying to ruin all the good memories. There is a big black hole in my chest and it's eating me from the inside almost every night. Mornings are the worst. Waking up and realizing that she's not there and she'll never be again. It's even worse then having a person you love die. Death is not their choice and you don't blame them for dying. breaking up was her choice and that makes it feel worse. Feels like she'd rather chose death than being with me
PSG Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 yes..I feel the same way. As if the person I loved never existed or died. I am not crying all the time but just feel sort of numb. All I want to do is sleep.
Author rattled Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 The person you were so in love with may never have even existed. You put her on pedestal and were looking at her through rose colored glasses. And now when you gained clarity and see who she really is, you don't even like her. Thanks Shadowburn. Im not really sure if the person I loved never existed but I definitely know that she has changed. I also know that I did put her on a unprecedented pedestal but I know that she was a good person and I know many can vouch for that statement. It's not that I don't like her but I definitely have lost much of my respect for the person I thought she was. Waking up and realizing that she's not there and she'll never be again. It's even worse then having a person you love die. Death is not their choice and you don't blame them for dying. breaking up was her choice and that makes it feel worse. Feels like she'd rather chose death than being with me I know how you feel when it comes to how much worse that it was their choice to leave the relationship. My R was also 5 years. But what's even worse than that is now I wake up realizing that she's waking up with someone else. I can't say that I want that again bc I wouldn't want to wake up with the person she is today, but I do wish sometimes I could wake up with the person she used to be. yes..I feel the same way. As if the person I loved never existed or died. I am not crying all the time but just feel sort of numb. All I want to do is sleep. PSG, it'll get better with time I promise. I used to sleep maybe 2 hours a night at most, but slowly it became 4, then 6, and as the days pass I'm starting to regain sleep again, although still not as much as I used to sleep. But numb is all I feel now too until recently where pain resurfaced as more of a death then a loss of a relationship
thatsonlyme Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 The person you were so in love with may never have even existed. You put her on pedestal and were looking at her through rose colored glasses. And now when you gained clarity and see who she really is, you don't even like her. You may feel duped and like you wasted time being in relationship with her, but this feeling will pass too. With time you will accept the reality of who she is and will see clearly why it didn't work out and actually wouldn't work out long term with her anyway. So ending was for the best. Good luck. I do accept reality of who she is now but it's hard to accept how much has person changed. I don't think my time was wasted, I definitely had the best time in my life with her. however, this new person is ruining the memory of the person I loved. I think I will definitely have to break off all contact with her soon. Today I did something very stupid. I drove her to the airport, she was going to DC to visit her new bf. She tried her best to show me how much she's enjoying her life and how happy she is. On the radio was playing "there is no longer you and I" and she was like all excited and pointing at us, singing along. I don't think a normal person would find a break up so exciting. WHen I was breaking up with my girlfriends before I never felt very excited about it. There was something I had to do and I think every break up is a sad thing, especially after all we went through together. I did my best to show her that I don't care. At the terminal she hugged me very closely for few seconds and I made a joke how funny is that I'm seeing her off and I'm not even gonna miss her. This whole thing made me feel a little worse than before. Can a person really change that much?
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